Breakup just in time for christmas :( WWYD?

[butterfly82]

Hello,

 

I'm new to the forum and needed to contact someone besides my ex (?) boyfriend.

 

Ok, so my guy is in his 50s (10 years older than me) and in the military. I met him about 2 years ago when his assignment started in my state and we've been together almost 2 years now in a formal , mutually agreed-upon, officially exclusive relationship. I need to say that I've found questionable texts between him and a female "friend" around thanksgiving. they used to work together. she texted "hey, love muffin" and some general garbage, and then he ended his reply with "xoxoxo". we argued about that and i explained (as if it needs explaining) that this is inappropriate talk for mere "friends", which he claims they have only and always been. my trust was shaken after that and yes, i looked into his phone, which was wrong, but i did find out what i didnt know was happening . we made up and there were minor disagreements until now but they've been resolved without much controversy.

 

This week, I have been suffering from a terrible cold. He appeared very caring and concerned as usual, and he came over to try to comfort me. I couldn't sleep, and because I suspected that he likes a married woman in his current unit ( this girl's name would start to be included frequently in conversation), And I've questioned him about it and he denies any wrongdoing, I had to check the phone again ( I just didn't believe him because his pattern is one of denial, defensiveness, and then a half-assed concession to the truth). I found a text from one of his old girlfriends who's going thru a divorce ( according to him). The text happened about half an hour before he came over. The girl asks " do you miss me" to which he replied "more than you know." Then he asks her the same question, to which she replied "yes, that's why I texted u". Then, he send her an emojicon that says " you are my sunshine". I freaking flipped!!! Also, that married chick in his unit: found a pic of her in his phone also, but no incriminating texts. AND he's been still communicating almost daily with the thanksgiving chick. She recently told him she was "hoping to see u online tonight".

 

I woke him up and confronted him. Of course he tried to deny everything until I quoted the texts verbatim. Then he tried to downplay the "I miss you more than you know" convo by saying that she is just a friend he was trying to comfort because she's going through a divorce. After arguing about this for a few minutes, he laid my house key on the table, picked up his things, and left--as if I was wrong!!!!! I texted the woman and she claims that while there was "nothing behind me asking him that question", she says she knows he has a girlfriend and she knows her inquiry was out of line.

 

I'm livid!!! I'm hurt and angry, and this guy has not tried to call me or reach out or anything. Did I over-react to the texts?? Am I wrong for feeling cheated on? Should I give him some time (a week maximum) to try to make things right, or should I just go ahead and bury the relationship now and move on??

 

Thanks!

[Philosoraptor]

Well he's obviously not trustworthy... so I believe you already have your answer.

 

Things are not going to change... you've given him chances in the past and he's shown no remorse.

 

Keep away from him and enjoy your family and friends. Once you've healed up you'll have the opportunity to find someone you can actually trust.

[Nyx.]

If you find yourself needing to look through your man's phone it shows there's no trust there, whether he's cheating or not. Personally, I think the way he was talking about and to these other women was disrespectful to you. When you were rightfully angered, he then chose to leave instead of trying to work out the issue. I think you're better off looking for a better man that you can rely on.

You must feel very hurt but try to think of it as a lucky escape, he clearly isn't the type of man you can trust to stand by you.

[headinthecloud]

I agree with Nyx. You don't trust him...and with GOOD cause. Without trust there is no RS. I would move on and wouldn't even blink an eye. This is going to feel like a huge blow to your ego but in time the pain will go away. You went with your gut, and your gut was right.

 

Now, whatever you do don't be the psycho GF texting his exes, showing up at his house, etc. Just go full NC and delete this a**hole from your life. You deserve so much better.

 

I was in a short term RS and broke up 5+mos ago because of the same issues - he was a cheater. He would take a call when we were together (having a discussion) and then not tell me who it was or why he let them interrupt our conversation. He was NEVER forthcoming. I told him that I need him to be forthcoming or that will impact my ability to trust him...he never changed. And my gut was right too, he was cheating on me in the end. Total douchebag. Lesson Learned...don't ignore or rationalize the red flags.