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Can't deal with her depression and insecurities anymore


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Good evening everyone,

 

I only really come to these forums when I'm in desperate need of help. Usually, I'm on the receiving end of a dumping, but this time, I'm seriously considering dumping my current LDR girlfriend of 6 months or so.

 

We met in Italy during the summer during an archaeological excavation we were both taking part in. She comes from New England while I'm 9 hours away in Canada. We had a ton of fun and did everything together while in Italy, and I was hesitant to get into a LDR with her upon coming home after a month, but I figured, "what have I got to lose?"

 

We are both on similar career paths. We both want to pursue graduate studies in archaeology in the UK next year and we bonded over that this summer. We figured if we can survive a year of LDR in between then and when we go to the UK next year, we'll have a very strong foundation for the future of our relationship. She's exceptionally smart and is a contender for the Fulbright Scholarship this year. She's very pretty and we had a ton of fun spending every weekend in Florence, Venice and Sienna this past summer. We travel very well together. We both have the same sense of humour, and our values and ethics are really similar. We can normally find common ground on any issue, though not always.

 

We don't see each other often. After getting home in early September, she flew up to visit me once in October, I drove to see her in November, and she's supposed to come see me just before the New Year. I don't know if I want that to happen anymore.

 

She battles with fits of depression and insecurity, and I've tried my hardest to be understanding and sympathetic. Since coming home, it's almost as if I've taken up a full-time position as a counsellor. I enjoy being supportive and I like to feel useful, but this is constant and exhausting. I'm 24 and she is 22, but I've moved out, have a job and have a life of my own.

 

She still lives at home and depends on her parents for everything (food, house, car, and anything else she might need). Most of the time she texts me, it's as if I'm talking to a 16 year old who is rebelling against her parents. "My mom is out to get me. My parents hate me. They think I'm a terrible daughter. How could they take away the car from me? I can't stand it here".

 

I've tried to be sympathetic, because I had all these problems before too... 10 years ago. I try to tell her that if she wants more independence, she should get more independence (get a job, buy her own car, move out). If it is really so stressful, she needs to do something about it. And she'll blame me for not supporting her or being there for her when I get fed up with hearing her complain. I'm not sure what she wants, but apparently, I'm supposed to side with her against her parents (who are being way more reasonable than my parents were with me) and tell her that it's all her parents' fault. I tried that a few times... But it feels like I'm just lying to her; I don't actually believe what I'm saying. And it doesn't make either of us feel any better.

 

Secondly, she is very insecure. I believe it goes hand in hand with the depression. If ever we fight, and it happens a lot, I ask for space. Now, we're in an LDR, so you'd think space wouldn't be a problem, but if if I tell her that I need to cool off, or just ask for space so we can talk about this later with a level head, she'll tell me she's having an anxiety attack, that she can't take the torture of waiting, or that I'm abandoning her. I feel god awful about it, but I'm looking at my phone right now and between the time of 3:48pm and 3:57pm (less than the 10 minutes it took me to shower), she called me 7 times (unanswered) and texted 21 times (unanswered).

 

I really do like her. I might even love her. But these two things about her are so exhausting to deal with. I've talked to her about them as well, often after we've fought and made up. I've told her I really think she needs help with her depression and insecurities. She agreed and freely admitted it. I asked if she would be willing to talk to someone about it, like a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist, because clearly, I'm out of my league and am not sure how to deal with this kind of thing. She said she was, but didn't seem too enthused by the idea, but agreed to do it for the sake of our relationship. I was so happy and thanked her. A month later, she got mad if I asked her if she's made an appointment, or even taken a step to find a professional. Frankly, I'm not sure what needs to be done in the US to talk to someone, but if it's anything like Canada, you can go see your doctor, tell them you want to talk to one, and they'll refer you to one.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm unhappy with the relationship the way it is and her insecurities and depression are borderline scary for me. I've made pro/con lists and they always come up pro-heavy when I think about my relationship with her... but the con-side of the paper has these two things that really really strain me. I'm seriously considering breaking up with her. I don't know if I should. I know I can never be 100% certain if breaking up is the right thing to do (unless the relationship is abusive or something), but do I seem justified in my thoughts? I'd like to hear what anyone else has to say about my relationship, or if they have similar situations that they've been in.

 

Thank you for any and all insight/advice you can give,

 

T

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My advice to you, is that if you can work it out do it. Communication is big, so talk to her and be there for her; and if it's worth it to you, keep trying to be the guy she needs you to be. If you feel that you are better off without her, then make that decision. Imagine your life without her. Is it what you want? Best of luck to you and God Bless.

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