Every breakup is different...every breakup is the same

[sportzhl24]

I've found a lot of guidance from Ls and its members so lately I've been trying to return the favor. I think my story can help some of you out, and maybe writing a bit about it will help me out too.

 

My ex and I (it's hard to even say or write her name) met almost a year ago, Christmas time 2012. I had never had a girlfriend before, so I was eager to share a bit of my life with a woman. We hit it off pretty fast. Before I knew it we were calling each other baby, talking all day, and basically were head over heels for each other. We were around each other for a few weeks until I had to go back to college but we never stopped talking. She came to visit me a few times, and I visited her. We became deeply in love. We shared an emotional and physical bond that was beyond anything either of us had experienced. Summer came around, and I returned home to be with her for the summer, and forever it seemed. I transferred schools, got a job in my hometown, started a new band, etc etc. I built a new life around her. But I noticed that tension between us would occur often. It was my first relationship, and the first time I had a beautiful woman unconditionally invested in me, so naturally I was completely absorbed with her.

 

I started making mistakes, and she became increasingly cold towards me. I felt that I had to constantly fight for her attention and approval. And because of this, the only time I felt that she was truly mine, and truly loved me, was when I was inside of her. So the relationship became to appear "all about sex." Things kept degrading, but after rough times we would always reconnect. I would be reassured, then insecure, then reassured, then reassured, etc. It was a rollercoaster.

 

Things reached a breaking point when I became too emotionally charged; and she became too emotionally absent. We broke up. She dumped me. Stupidly, I agreed to the breakup. Did I? I dont even know what really happened. I guess it doesn't matter. Anyways we were NC for about a week until I broke it to try to get her back. She completely blew me off. I was in limbo for god knows how long. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't talk to my parents. Fortunately she broke up with me in time for me to re-register at my old college, so I quit my job and my band and moved back to school. But that was only the beginning.

 

I spent the next 4 months (almost up to date) in total emotional insanity, pain, depression, anger, and so on. I would go on these drives; these endless manic drives where I would scream and cry and contemplate ending it all. I couldn't handle the pain of losing somebody so beautiful and wonderful. I blamed myself for everything. I started regularly cutting up my arm with a knife. I saw 3 different therapists and 2 different psychologists. I tried to commit suicide. I was a mess. I lost sight of myself. I kept telling myself that I didn't belong here, in this world. I told myself I didn't belong to anybody or anything. I truly felt that worthless. I had never been in so much pain in my entire life. Fractured bones doesn't even scratch the surface of that pain.

 

THE POINT IS: Everybody deals with their breakup differently. For me, it's been 4 and a half months since I was dumped, and four months since NC. But I still cry every day. Nonetheless I know in my heart that I am a good person; that I set out to try to make people feel better about themselves and the world. So if you are going through something intense, like this intense pain, just know that it is going to pass. Please please please know that it is going to pass. You are going to be SO FINE. Don't make the mistakes that I did, thinking that ending life is the answer. And don't feel bad if you think that you aren't dealing with your breakup in the right way. Just think of my story when you think that. And look up the last thread I posted, it's all about not blaming yourself and looking at the relationship for what it really is. Stay positive people. There is so much joy and pleasure out there in the world ready to be mother ****ing reaped by each and every one of you!!!! That's the end of my rant.

 

Con amor,

 

Harry

[KelC411]

Hi Harry,

 

I am so sorry to hear about how depressed you became and that you tried to end it. I think it is really brave of you to share that, because, though I never tried it, I can defnitely attest to having suicidal thoughts after the BU. I even did some embarassing google searches about it. And I highly doubt we are the only ones. So, thanks for sharing your story!it means a lot. Glad you realize now that suicide isnt the answer for you. It sounds like you love deeply and not only do you deserve to live a happy life, someone out there deservesthe love you are willing to give, its just not your ex (which is SO HARD to deal with I know).

 

Take care of yourself. I know you said you have seen therapists already, but I still encourage you to try again until you find one you like, if you start considering self harm or suicide again. *all the hugs*

[sportzhl24]

Hi Harry,

 

I am so sorry to hear about how depressed you became and that you tried to end it. I think it is really brave of you to share that, because, though I never tried it, I can defnitely attest to having suicidal thoughts after the BU. I even did some embarassing google searches about it. And I highly doubt we are the only ones. So, thanks for sharing your story!it means a lot. Glad you realize now that suicide isnt the answer for you. It sounds like you love deeply and not only do you deserve to live a happy life, someone out there deservesthe love you are willing to give, its just not your ex (which is SO HARD to deal with I know).

 

Take care of yourself. I know you said you have seen therapists already, but I still encourage you to try again until you find one you like, if you start considering self harm or suicide again. *all the hugs*

 

Hey thanks I really appreciate that. I'm glad you can relate. BU's are really tough, no matter what position you are in. But I'm on track to becoming truly okay again