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Being By Yourself


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A lot of times I've read on here about how post-BU you have to start working on yourself/learning how to live alone, etc. I'm just wondering - what are some things that you've all done to help accept/embrace the being alone/single part, especially when it's been so long/it's so unfamiliar?

 

I think there were some huge red flags with my ex. She was self-centered, rude at times, was a huge b****, not a great gf, etc. But at the same time, I loved her and I loved being with her. I also loved being in a relationship - the physical aspect, the sex and the cuddling, the emotional aspect - knowing someone out there, other than your sister or your mother, is thinking about you and cares deeply about you, etc. I was single for several years before I started dating my ex, and sure I lived through it but I didn't necessarily love it. So what are some things we can do to be more happy with the idea of being alone?

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I am the same i miss all the intimacy and have had a hard time thinking i'll never find anyone else.

 

What i have been doing is going to the gym, throwing myself into my job search, going shopping to towns further away and using public transport to get there. Just making my days busy and it stops my mind wandering to her

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I've been trying the same but at the end of the day it just feels like they're only distractions...like I'm trying to mask the real pain. Which I guess I am :(

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Thats the point. The more you keep your mind busy the less you'll think of her, the less you think of her the less time you spend idealising her, the less time you spend idealising her the less you want to contact her until eventually shes just a memory.

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A lot of times I've read on here about how post-BU you have to start working on yourself/learning how to live alone, etc. I'm just wondering - what are some things that you've all done to help accept/embrace the being alone/single part, especially when it's been so long/it's so unfamiliar?

 

I think there were some huge red flags with my ex. She was self-centered, rude at times, was a huge b****, not a great gf, etc. But at the same time, I loved her and I loved being with her. I also loved being in a relationship - the physical aspect, the sex and the cuddling, the emotional aspect - knowing someone out there, other than your sister or your mother, is thinking about you and cares deeply about you, etc. I was single for several years before I started dating my ex, and sure I lived through it but I didn't necessarily love it. So what are some things we can do to be more happy with the idea of being alone?

 

I could've written this about myself...so it resonates. What can we do to be happy with the idea of being alone?

 

Well...firstly the "idea" of being alone has to change its meaning for us. At the moment, being alone "means" (among other things) that we aren't with our exes...it is, therefore, in itself cast iron evidence that we are currently living the life we wouldn't ideally choose for ourselves. It ain't gonna be easy to learn to love that right now because it's like asking a guy who was recently imprisoned against his will to learn to be happy with his predicament.

 

What we've lost is the one thing humans crave more than anything...the ability to CONTROL our circumstances...we hate feeling line we've been "done to" cos we wanna be the driving force.

 

Good thing about us though is that we do seem to have a psychological immune system...we slowly begin to forget what we were missing and we slowly begin to find meaning and joy from the circumstances in which we find ourselves. This is why you hear people frequently later referring to adversity as the best thing that ever happened to them.

 

If I asked you to finish the sentence "It was a lovely, sunny..." with one word, my guess is that the options you'd feel compelled to pick would be "day," "morning," or "afternoon." You're compelled to pick them because you've been implicitly taught that they are the predominant candidates to properly finish that sentence. But this is something you've been TAUGHT to expect and desire.

 

Likewise, I believe we've been TAUGHT that our lives are not properly finished if there isn't a romantic relationship in them. It just feels so horribly "odd" without one...just like that sentence would feel so horribly odd if we finished it with "bulldog" ;)

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what are some things that you've all done to help accept/embrace the being alone/single part, especially when it's been so long/it's so unfamiliar?

 

I was married for ten years. Most obvious action during/after divorce was connecting in a meaningful and supportive way with friends who were there for me during some trying times. Mostly that manifested in hanging out and/or doing projects for them on a volunteer basis, which kept me busy and focused. I lived alone for 15 years before being married so perhaps it was 'easier' to go back to living alone but still there was an adjustment period. Three years later, I'm fine and understand better how to balance a primary intimate relationship with other relationships. At my age, there's no overwhelming impulse to 'couple up' and the results of those choices have left only a short period of life to live on my own terms so I'm making the most of it.

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For me, I have never been an alone person...I thrive in groups, and live as an extrovert. In fact, I have always been around people. I didn't really know what it meant to be alone until now. I have moved to a new area with some friends but not as many...and the BU threw off my game. I thought I had it all figured out.

 

To keep myself busy, and adjust to the "alone" time...I do the following:

1. Make plans ahead of time w/ people so you have something to look forward to. I used to be a wait till the last second, and figure it out. Making plans allows me to look forward to the end of the week.

2. Work out and Eat healthy: this allows you to build self-confidence, and build that swag that women love.

3. Music: music keeps me going.. during this phase, I'm giving my heart a break by listening to strictly avicii, skrillex, knife party, flux pavilion, etc. Listening to these songs takes away the sadness from listening to chili peppers, third eye blind, and all those other sad songs or love songs...whatever triggers the pain in your heart.

4. Stay out! Don't sit around in your room...because it's going to give you time to think and be alone. Sit in a star bucks to read, study or whatever. Take your laptop and chill in the library. Don't be alone.

5. Avoid Social Media: Facebook and Twitter are just a pain to look at...I don't go on em anymore. It allows me to avoid looking at my ex's profile. But if you want to upload awesome pictures...demonstrating your awesomeness...I suppose it's okay.

6. Use LoveShack! Since I've been on here, I have felt a million times better. Seriously.

 

Goodluck! Let me know if you think of any others. I am doing whatever it takes to pull my shi* together.

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Copelandsanity

After a breakup, you will go through denial, anger, bargaining, and depression. Part of your alone time - aside from eating healthy, exercise, sleeping well, getting out of the house, keeping your mind and time occupied, trying new things, meeting new people - should be used to work through those feelings, learn lessons, and also accept what you did wrong to contribute to the death of that relationship.

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