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do you accept their apology?

Ordinaryday

By Ordinaryday,
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Ordinaryday

Ordinaryday

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it's a common story, it's happened to most of us here: somewhere down the line after dumping you (usually several months or years) the dumper recontacts you to apologise for how they acted, what they said, to wish you all the best, etc.

 

at first glance it seems like a nice gesture but upon a closer look it comes across as a selfish one - them contacting you is more about them than you, because it is a way for them to alleviate any guilt they feel about dumping you, and of course since they are not contacting you about reconciling the contact is pretty selfish anyway.

 

My question is, what do you normally do in this situation? accept their apology? alleviate their guilt? or just ignore them?

 

For the exes who were nasty to me, I just ignore them. while I cant control how they feel and whatnot, I am not going to actively do anything to make them feel better or less guilty. obviously they can feel however they like and if they forgive themselves that is their right, but I am not going to help them do it.

 

what about you? what do you do in this situation? why>?

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faithfully

faithfully

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Me personally i would except it and learn to forget and forgive. Life too short to hold grudges even tho they have hurt you. They did you a big favour.

 

Carry on living coz the world doesnt stop but thats not mean ti hold on hoping you will get back together.

 

Just move on and enjoy your life. There are loads of people out there who will treat you right :)

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todreaminblue

todreaminblue

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what use would it be to me as a a person to know someone felt guilt and not alleviate it with a simple acceptance.......that would make me feel guilty.....say if my abusers from when i was young were to contact me and say they have leived with guilt and they are so sssssorry ....i would forgive them ....its not gonna happen dont know if i could face them but i would forgive them.......i think it would be a moving on thing...i dont particularly want to look in their eyes though....too much ...dont know what it would do to me...i would just forgive amd say thank you......for being sorry..over a phone call but it istn goign to happen so.....i dont need to view them..it is why i find it easy to forgive people.....if i can forgive that and i know i would....and I actually have without an apology.i have to believe they are sorry .......i accept all apologies.....my exes are already forgiven..as is anyone who has hurt me or i would be one big walking grudge....doesnt mean i forget but god will have the final say not me...ill just forgive and move on..tell them yeah you were an ass, i forgive you though...please dont do it again...............deb

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radiodarcy

radiodarcy

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I guess so - - if it means that much to them that they would ask. It doesn't mean I would let them back into my life though.

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2fargone

2fargone

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I don't care about any apology. Not if she want to come back, not if she just wants to apologise. It's not important, what's done is done.

 

 

And that's what I would communicate. Not because how it would or would not make her feel, but because it's how I feel.

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aloneinaz

aloneinaz

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My ex ended our relationship almost 6 months ago. She wasn't a very nice person the last few months and I often wondered why I didn't end it. She finally told me she was done with our relationship and I walked out and haven't spoken to her since.

 

Well, she stopped by my home Friday. I was napping and didn't get up figuring it was someone selling something. She then texted me a long apology about hurting me, not being the girlfriend I deserved, etc.. It didn't really require a reply and she didn't get one.

 

The underlying question is what her motive is. To come to my door suggests she clearly wanted to see me. To make contact with me after 6 months to 'apologize' is suspicious at best. I agree that we should forgive and not harbor anger or resentment. In my case, I've mostly forgave her in my mind and am now in a stable, loving relationship. I'm a big believer in Karma and the way she treated me has probably bit her in the ass..

 

I have no desire to speak to her, text with her, etc, due to what a nasty person she turned out to be. If it made her feel better to text me an apology, good for her.

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KCCK

KCCK

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I agree... they keep on saying sorry because they felt guilty of their actions. To me, if they just want to hear the words "I forgive u" so that they can be less guilty, I would gladly say that to them and I will continue to move on with my life... I believe in Karma and I will let things happen by themselves...

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Chi townD

Chi townD

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With me? It depends. If they're trying to apologize over text, then I would ignore. If they don't have the decency to call or come to your door, then they can't be that serious about forgiveness.

 

If they do call or come to the door, then listen. We're human and we do have the power to forgive. However, we can forgive them as a person....but, as a boyfriend or girlfriend?....they crossed a live.

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aloneinaz

aloneinaz

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Posted (edited)
With me? It depends. If they're trying to apologize over text, then I would ignore. If they don't have the decency to call or come to your door, then they can't be that serious about forgiveness.

 

If they do call or come to the door, then listen. We're human and we do have the power to forgive. However, we can forgive them as a person....but, as a boyfriend or girlfriend?....they crossed a live.

 

I think it's ballsy to come to your door after 6 months, un-annouced. I'm sure my GF wouldn't have appreciated seeing my ex on my front door. As others have said, it's STILL about THEIR needs and wants, not ours. They expect us to say "it's ok, you're forgiven for being a miserable human being towards me". I think it's a bit selfish to potentially open up our scars again so they can feel better about themselves. If they truly felt bad about how they treated us, they should of apologized a couple of months after the break up.

 

In my case, I don't know if I even belief my ex's apology. She's lied so much in the past to suit her needs. I posted another question this morning about motives when a dumper apologizes months later. Are they-

 

1) Trying to see if you'd reply and they still have power over you?

2) Seeing if you still care about them?

3) Using it as a ploy to try and reconcile?

4) Playing games cause they're bored and potentially lonely and know we use to love them to death?

 

I know I'm a skeptic. My ex's track record isn't good for being genuine. She's usually only after her own needs and is manipulative and selfish. I ignored the text from my ex and doubt I'll hear from her again.

Edited by aloneinaz
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im_thedude

im_thedude

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After all my ex did after the relationship, and how she was during our relationship, it would take true sincerity for me to accept her apology. I agree with Chi_town - in person or over the phone.

 

I won't ever get a genuine apology though. Maybe more self-serving bull****, but my ex is the type of person who will never truly apologize for her wrongdoings. Even when we were together it would take me laying it all out for her how she really upset me to even get her to notice what she did. She could never pick up on it on her own. And she won't pick up on just how wrong she was to me now or later because all of the yes men and yes women surrounding her are telling her exactly what she wants to hear. She's completely delusional.

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