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Guess What My Stupid Arse Did [update]


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I've posted here way too much about my story. Long story short, she, my ex-fiancee left me for a former close friend. I never cheated, never abused her, nothing like that. After five years she does this.

 

I've tried everything. I've listened to the advice of everyone on here, it just gets worse. I'll have some days that are alright, but most are terrible and its been a few months and I still can't get her out of my head. I want to hate her, I want to be angry, but instead all I feel is extreme low-feeling, sadness, hurt, misery and shame.

 

How could someone do this? How could she do this? I've also noticed so many, nearly everybody's story I've read here on Loveshack at least had or heard that their dumper felt guilt over dumping the other person. I never got this. She was so mean to me, so cruel and vicious, and now she does this to top it all off. She also rubbed it in my face a couple weeks ago.

 

I've never gotten any type of "but I still care about you" or any of that. The pain is crippling. I just keep picturing the two of them having fun and having sex and cracking horrible jokes about me, etc.

 

I don't know what to do. I've tried everything.

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It was a five year relationship, Tarleton. It's going to take a significant amount if time to get through this. But you won't be able to begin your grieving if you're keeping in contact with her.

 

It took me at least 3 months to get some sort of relief after an 8 month relationship, which was my shortest. Imagine 5 years. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Unfortunately, we will sometimes get hurt and confused by people's behaviors especially when they turn on us. There's no explaining it. And even if you had your answers it wouldn't change your feelings of betrayal. It's something you just have to accept, and that will happen in time.

 

The first thing you have to do is cold turkey NC. No social media, no stalking, no texting, no nothing. NC gets worse before it gets better. But it's the only way.

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Vinsanity1307

Hey man..... I am in the exact same spot. It has been 4 months since the breakup and those thoughts and feelings are with me almost everyday...Its exhausting and painful(mentally and physically)....My ex never gave me the slightest hint she cared or felt bad. During my begging and pleading I looked through her phone and saw she was talking with her ex who is scum(tried getting with her when engaged to me. She was just mean and cruel as was your ex. Its hard to understand...I still dont get it. The only slightest advice I can give is go to the gym...It helps just a sliver with the pain but it does something...

 

 

If interested heres my story ...just to relate what your going through...

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/417902-dumped-after-5-years

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You were dating her for 5 years and engaged. You're not going to be over her overnight.

 

I don't know what you're talking about that everyone is getting the "I feel so guilty" after the dumping but I don't see that all too often, and I didn't get this from my ex when he dumped me after 3 years together.

 

It took me 8+ months to get over my ex of 3 years so it's going to take you longer to get over a 5 year relationship and one that was so serious that it lead to engagement.

 

You need to stop with the, "I can'ts." It's not going to help you. Instead of saying "can't," focus on DOING. It's going to suck. It's going to hurt. You're going to be angry, and those feelings are going to be with you for a long time. It's just part of growing up, part of being dumped, part of healing, and part of moving on.

 

There's no quick fix, there's no fast road. But if you want to move on you need to stop the dwelling. She's a bad person. That's it. Forgive yourself for putting up with her garbage, and move on from it. Focus on you, not her.

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Hey man, I can relate. I was with my ex for 3 years. Not quite 5 but we were also engaged and lived together pretty much the whole 3 years. I also treated this girl the best I knew how and never did anything to hurt her. In fact I tried to do everything I could to make her life better / easier (mistake #1..., or maybe mistake #274.6 :p ).

 

It's a kick in the balls and there's no way around it. So, you must plow through it. Not what you want to hear I know, but it's the truth.

 

But, I'm here to tell you it will get better. I'm 8 months NC and I am worlds better. Am I over it / her? No way. I may never be. But I can manage. And life seems enjoyable again. Slowly but surely, the net effect is, it's getting better. Not always easy to measure, but it's happening. Setbacks? All the time! But the trend is positive over all.

 

The one thing I can tell you is the only way you will make it through this is 100%, absolute NC. No social media. No nothing! Disappear. And... start your journey. Remember, we're all here for you. She is not!!

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Hey man, don't let bad thoughts defeat you.. They are normal and you're not gonna feel better right away.. 3 months is really hard because that's when it really sinks in that, wow, this is really over! But then once that hits it is all uphill from there!

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Thank you for your responses everyone, I really appreciate it. I really can't trust a soul in this world after this.

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Thank you for your responses everyone, I really appreciate it. I really can't trust a soul in this world after this.

 

Well then, she wins. She beat you. Don't let her do that. You may feel this way now, but don't let her do that to your life. Learn a lesson. Watch for red-flags and warning signs. Be cautious. But don't give up hope on everyone.

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I've been there, Tarleton. It is indeed heart wrenching and I really feel for you. But this I promise you, IT WILL PASS. It may take months or years, but you will survive this. Now is the time to focus on you and being very, very, VERY gentle with yourself. We are here to listen if you need to vent.

 

You are not alone.

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I just...I don't understand it!! She wasn't like this. How could she do this and turn on me and be so mean and rub it in my face? I didn't do anything to her! Breaking up with me is one thing, but running into the arms of someone who was a mutual close friend of ours for a couple years AND to top it off being nasty and mean to me about it...??? WHY would someone do this???

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Sometimes you don't see a persons true personality until the break up comes around. Some are super nice and sensitive about it, and some are *******s. Either way it's hurtful, and difficult to prefer one method over the other.

 

Dealing with the fact that it's over, is much more important than how your ex is behaving. It's irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. You can console yourself with the fact that her new bf will one day be in your shoes, or maybe someone will treat her in a similar manner.

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Bummer. I was with my ex 8 years. Took me like 7 months pure NC to pretty much get over it. Just keep on going. I dont buy into the BS about it taking that much longer based on the lenght of the relationship to recover. i just depends. Youll be fine. JUST DONT BREAK NC! Cav

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I just...I don't understand it!! She wasn't like this. How could she do this and turn on me and be so mean and rub it in my face? I didn't do anything to her! Breaking up with me is one thing, but running into the arms of someone who was a mutual close friend of ours for a couple years AND to top it off being nasty and mean to me about it...??? WHY would someone do this???

 

I have learned this lesson too. The truth is, you just really never know what someone else is thinking. And there are a lot of whack people running around out there. It's a crap shoot :p

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I know it hurts a lot, having to love and trust your ex this much for 5 years and yet in the end all you gotten was being betrayed...

 

 

All I can say is let her go, don't blame yourself. It's really no point being in a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate your feeling and not wanting to be with you willingly. It's going to be a long suffering relationship and worse if both of you get married.

 

Let her go because you know that throughout this relationship, you gave your best effort and love. Most importantly, you are conscience free which means you can move on without feeling any guilt.

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I always hear of so many dumpees being able to get through being dumped when they hate the dumper, or at least, have contempt for them. Anger, whatever you want to call it. By 'hate', I mean it as a pejorative, not by its literal definition. Anyway, my ex did me about as bad as you could do anyone. She was cruel to me, called me names, was angry all of a sudden all of the time, and then ran off with someone I thought was a close friend whom we'd both known for two years.

 

I've hated people for less. I hated one of my first girlfriends as a kid because she got into drugs and stole some things from my friends. Was extremely bitter over my first serious long-term relationship at the age of 24 when she dumped me. But my ex-fiancee, the one who is now with someone I thought was a friend, after five years...I WANT to hate her so bad. I WANT to have contempt for her, as horrible as she was to me during that breakup. But I can't. And its not hard for me to have contempt for people who cross me. That's how much I loved this person. I simply can't. You know what? I hate myself for not being able to. I hate myself for allowing this person to have this much control over my emotions. I want to hate her so bad, but I can't.

 

Maybe that's why I still cling to this false hope that she'll come back some day. Because she meant that much to me.

 

Wish in one hand...

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I was her first serious relationship, her first long-term relationship. She was nineteen when we met. We were so in love. Now she has nothing but contempt for me, at least she acts like it. There was no kindness on her part during that breakup. I just want to believe that some day, one day she will look back and not hate me for whatever it is she hates me for.

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Sorry to hear what your so called low life did to you. Disgusting and unexceptable!!!

 

I have been like you, bitter, upset, hated myself because i let this happen, we blame yourself and where has all this got you?? NOWHERE!!!!!

 

This ex does not deserve you. She has prob treated you badly to push you away even more. Have nothing more to do with her.

 

Give yourself time to heal please and carry on posting. DO NOT TRY REACH OUT. GO NC please. The sooner the better.

 

You have done nothing wrong. The sooner you realise the better :)

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My EX was pretty awful at the end - although no other party was involved.

 

I don't hate my EX. But I don't romanticize who he is anymore. I think it's definately easier if you don't think they are great anymore. We have BU a lot in the past but he never really did or said anything on those occasions that made me think less of him - so i think that's what made i hard for me to let it go and not want to be with him still. This time was different so I have a lot of negative stuff to focus on about him.

 

Sounds like you do to. You probably don't want to hate her because god that takes so much time and effort on your part and you don't want to be consumed by those negative feelings. But when you think of them with fondness, miss them, or want to get back together. Just think about all the bad things they did and those nice thoughts will disappear pretty quick. You don't want this person. Don't waste any more time trying to work out why. You will never really know. Only they know why.

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Canadiangirl78

It sounds like you are torturing yourself trying to figure out why she did this, how she could do this and how it all happened without you having the slightest clue it was coming. The thing is, when someone shows you who they truly are, you have to believe them.. It is not an easy thing to accept but the situation is what it is. The fact is, you are never going to figure out the answers to any of your questions. Sometimes in life people meet, fall in love and totally intend to be with that person the rest of their life. Sometimes though, people have that intention and then realize it isn't what they want and cannot move forward. That can happen for many different reasons and in your case she decided she wanted this other person. If she blindsided you, that was wrong of her to do, but it doesn't change the fact her heart felt stronger about someone else. That decision has nothing to do with you being a bad person or creating it, sometimes it just happens. Now, what is done is done. You have to stop torturing yourself trying to figure it all out and work on you. You love her so beating yourself up for not hating her is not helping you one bit. In time your feelings will evolve. You cannot expect your feelings to change overnight nor should they, after all you are only human right. You have been through something very traumatic and it is going to take time to get through it all and sort through your feelings. Take it one minute at a time..literally. It's all you can do right now. Post here 50 times a day if you need to. The people here are absolutely amazing and will be here for you whenever you need. Just take your time and don't try to rush your feelings, or think you should be feeling something you're not. This is a process, and it is a painful one. I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself because if you don't, nobody else will..

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Well Tartleton82, even if you've posted a lot in this forum, you should still post a summary when opening a new thread.

 

As for your question, breakup will always hurt. That's how it's suppose to be.

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I broke no contact. This is my ex-fiancee of five years who ran off with my friend and treated me coldly throughout the entire breakup.

 

And I caved in and sent her a "christmas is going to suck without you this year, i miss you so much" text.

 

Let the slandering begin. I deserve it. What an idiot I am.

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You are not an idiot You are a man in pain.

 

The Holidays will be difficult, there;s no getting around that. Find ways too keep busy & surround yourself with people who love & care about you,

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ConfusedHumanBeing
I broke no contact. This is my ex-fiancee of five years who ran off with my friend and treated me coldly throughout the entire breakup.

 

And I caved in and sent her a "christmas is going to suck without you this year, i miss you so much" text.

 

Let the slandering begin. I deserve it. What an idiot I am.

 

You are not an idiot....that WAS a pretty idiotic move though :) What does that really do other than make you look incredibly weak in her eyes? No one is going to slander you because we've all done stupid stuff in the pursuit of something. Just dont write anything again lol.

 

Write in a journal....blog....whatever you need to. Just not to her.

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