Zoe Lilith Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I have been in a long distance relationship for 1 1/2. Everything was fine, we kept in touch thanks to viber, whatsapp, etc. until one day, he decided that he doesn't wants to be with me. I messaged like a complete idiot, trying to figure out, why? But I've never got an respond. He lied about having a surgery, I found out was a lie. I am a person who avoids people, but would never, ever let them down if they were in trouble, regardless if I know them or not. For three days, I tourchared myself thinking about how he is doing and how is the surgery going to go. When I put 2 and 2 together, I figured out that him having a surgery, is a complete lie. You can imagine what words could I have used. I felt like a used idiot! I never got closure, I never got an answer why he did what he did..mind you, we are not confused teens, we are in our 30's. I finally got a respond on my email to him. He said he has no feelings for me after everything I said to him. I can't move on, I can't stop thinking about him. I never had any problems about "letting go", I always believed that I can go thru anything that life throws at me. (I also have a 15 yrs marriage behind me). Why is it so difficult to forget this person? I humiliated myself asking for another chance. I went out with friends, I tried meeting new people, but I can't imagine myself being with anyone else. It's pathetic! How do I cope? What would be a way to deal with that? Please help. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Keep busy, get your mind off of things. Entertain yourself. Pick up a new hobby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I believe it's harder to let go when the relationship is chaotic and confusing. It's because there's so many loose ends with no way of tying them and finding that closure. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain. He said he was having surgery and being that you were LDR, you didn't even know it was a lie so you have to wonder what else was he lying about. It's normal to think that you will never find someone or that you will never get close to anyone else. We all feel that way after a break-up. It isn't realistic. I understand you are hurt, but you have to let him go and start processing your pain. Stay NC. Stay away from dating until you heal. Keep seeing your friends. Start exercising. Take up a hobby. Go for walks. Do positive things, even if you can't or don't want to. You must push yourself towards healing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zoe Lilith Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Keep busy, get your mind off of things. Entertain yourself. Pick up a new hobby. Thank you for your support. I am trying everything, but for some reason, it isn't working. :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 You're at the start of a hard battle. It is hard , and to be honest, you are doing the right thing. Going out. Staying active. Maybe flirting with new guys(build back that shattered confidence). Only one thing is missing: Time. It still takes time, regardless of activity. Your mind must work him out, slowly. The best thing to do is realize that he is not right for you. He lied to you, and that shows what kind of man he is. This is disrespectful. He was using this as a bailout tactic. Time will heal you. Just stay active(not too much of that either). Try confidence rebuilding. You can do this by: doing new things. By flirting(even if it doesn't produce results), cause once they flirt back, it feels better. You may can even date around. But you are strong and will survive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zoe Lilith Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 I believe it's harder to let go when the relationship is chaotic and confusing. It's because there's so many loose ends with no way of tying them and finding that closure. Long distance relationships are hard to maintain. He said he was having surgery and being that you were LDR, you didn't even know it was a lie so you have to wonder what else was he lying about. It's normal to think that you will never find someone or that you will never get close to anyone else. We all feel that way after a break-up. It isn't realistic. I understand you are hurt, but you have to let him go and start processing your pain. Stay NC. Stay away from dating until you heal. Keep seeing your friends. Start exercising. Take up a hobby. Go for walks. Do positive things, even if you can't or don't want to. You must push yourself towards healing. We all have been in and out of relationships and break ups, and the pain, it goes away in few days. This time, it seems impossible. I really am emotional wrack and I am aware of that. I am aware how stupid I was trying to bag for a 2nd chance, I am 35 years old, I can't believe I am going thru this emotions! Thank you for your kind reply. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 We all have been in and out of relationships and break ups, and the pain, it goes away in few days. This time, it seems impossible. I really am emotional wrack and I am aware of that. I am aware how stupid I was trying to bag for a 2nd chance, I am 35 years old, I can't believe I am going thru this emotions! Thank you for your kind reply. :-) I think it's normal for a 1 1/2 year relationship to take more than a few days for the pain to go away. It will get better.... Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 LDRs put a lot of emotional and mental effort into their working. Much more so than any in person relationship. As this is a great way to maintain that connection. The unfortunate part of all this, is a breakup. To deconnect from high connection takes time. You connect via the mind, and takes the mind longer to recover. Link to post Share on other sites
OnlyHonesty Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Zoe, how often did you and this man see each other in person? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zoe Lilith Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Zoe, how often did you and this man see each other in person? Every 3 months, we'd spend 1-2 together, due to his work. I mean, everything was alright. At one point he financially supported me. I am not a perfect person, I don't pretend to be. I like to think that I am average looking, not bad for my age, but I just can't move on. I though going to psychiatrist because this is really hard for me to handle. I mentioned that I have a marriage of 15 yrs behind me, and I had no problems with that. What is this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zoe Lilith Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 LDRs put a lot of emotional and mental effort into their working. Much more so than any in person relationship. As this is a great way to maintain that connection. The unfortunate part of all this, is a breakup. To deconnect from high connection takes time. You connect via the mind, and takes the mind longer to recover. You're right, Todd. I hope this "mental conflict" will go away soon. Thank you for your kind words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 We all have been in and out of relationships and break ups, and the pain, it goes away in few days. This time, it seems impossible. I really am emotional wrack and I am aware of that. I am aware how stupid I was trying to bag for a 2nd chance, I am 35 years old, I can't believe I am going thru this emotions! Thank you for your kind reply. :-) I don't think the pain goes away in a few days. I was once in an 8 month relationship and it took me close to three months to finally feel better. You're demoralizing yourself. It's impossible if you want it to be. I'm much older than you and have been through much heartache. I'm still alive and the worst is far behind me. Impossible would mean that, say for the next six months you feel this exact same way. No change in your emotions. It sounds ridicilous. In time you will feel differently and you will move on. It just seems hard at this very moment. Just because you're 35 it doesn't mean you shouldn't be feeling these emotions. It's normal. Link to post Share on other sites
ColdAlone Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I'm guessing the 15 year marriage didn't end as abrupt as this. It can throw you off pretty bad... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zoe Lilith Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 I'm guessing the 15 year marriage didn't end as abrupt as this. It can throw you off pretty bad... You bet. The worst thing is, I can't believe that me, as a woman is begging for a 2nd chance. Speaking of "women's pride"..i lost that. I never felt this way after a break up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zoe Lilith Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 I just don't know what's worse, me begging, or the fact that I am being ignored. I guess I deserve this, I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I just don't know what's worse, me begging, or the fact that I am being ignored. I guess I deserve this, I don't know. Stop beating yourself up. You don't deserve this. Merely it happened, as he wanted this. This happens. Your pride is damaged. You will have to take steps to regain this shattered prode. You can do this too. Requires harder work, but is far from impossible. We've all lowered ourselves Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zoe Lilith Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Stop beating yourself up. You don't deserve this. Merely it happened, as he wanted this. This happens. Your pride is damaged. You will have to take steps to regain this shattered prode. You can do this too. Requires harder work, but is far from impossible. We've all lowered ourselves I am not giving up. It just seems really difficult, and I don't know what to do in order to move on. I want it go away, I don't want to live thinking about the past. It's the past! History! But I just can't accept that fact. How can one live and hate a person at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Apart of how breakups work. Not always true, but it is this time. It takes time. Nothing goes or happens when we want it too. Especially such a bad breakup as this. Your pride is dented. It is possible to love and hate the same person. Go out or keep going out. Try to flirt it up or go talk to some other guy. Confidence is broken, from begging. Time to rebuild it. Go be selfish. It is a selfish time for you. I mean that in a good way. A pretty woman as you are can move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I am not giving up. It just seems really difficult, and I don't know what to do in order to move on. I want it go away, I don't want to live thinking about the past. It's the past! History! But I just can't accept that fact. How can one live and hate a person at the same time. Of course, it's difficult. You're looking for a quick fix. It doesn't work that way. We all want that pain to go away but unfortunately, it's going to take a weeks/months for you to feel some relief. Best thing to do is to stop beating yourself up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zoe Lilith Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Thank you all for your support. I hope this won't take much longer. It's almost a month and I am still hoping that he will eventually call and we will sort everything out. I know that this is NOT going to happen, currently I live in denial, that might help a bit too. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Thank you all for your support. I hope this won't take much longer. It's almost a month and I am still hoping that he will eventually call and we will sort everything out. I know that this is NOT going to happen, currently I live in denial, that might help a bit too. :-) Denial doesn't help. It keeps you stuck. It's called hope. As time goes by, that will fade away and you will start to accept that it's over. I mean, even if he calls you back, would you really be secure about going back to someone that cuts you off at the knees like that? Would you not fear that at anytime he could come back again and tell you he feels nothing for you? What about the lying? Will you be okay having an LDR not knowing what's really going on? You have to start thinking. Using your brain. It will help you find acceptance that maybe this isn't a good thing for you versus just blindly going with your emotions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Zahara put it well. Get rid of any hope. Hope is the enemy this time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zoe Lilith Posted October 22, 2013 Author Share Posted October 22, 2013 Denial doesn't help. It keeps you stuck. It's called hope. As time goes by, that will fade away and you will start to accept that it's over. I mean, even if he calls you back, would you really be secure about going back to someone that cuts you off at the knees like that? Would you not fear that at anytime he could come back again and tell you he feels nothing for you? What about the lying? Will you be okay having an LDR not knowing what's really going on? You have to start thinking. Using your brain. It will help you find acceptance that maybe this isn't a good thing for you versus just blindly going with your emotions. I meant to say, I am aware that i live in denial or "false hope", knowing that, will help me. Honestly, I don't think about the nasty, horrible, sick lie. I guess I hope of a call to have that closure that I need, because I can't or don't know how to move on without knowing why was that drama necessary? I guess (I am being honest), I want him to call me, so that I can say: Beat it! Since I damaged my pride and did something, what I believe a woman should never do..that would help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 I meant to say, I am aware that i live in denial or "false hope", knowing that, will help me. Honestly, I don't think about the nasty, horrible, sick lie. I guess I hope of a call to have that closure that I need, because I can't or don't know how to move on without knowing why was that drama necessary? I guess (I am being honest), I want him to call me, so that I can say: Beat it! Since I damaged my pride and did something, what I believe a woman should never do..that would help me. You have closure. He ended it with you. That is your closure to the relationship. That's how you move on. You accept that it is over. I don't think an explanation to the drama will help you because at the end of the day, the relationship is still over. There is nothing more that you need but that. I think you need an explanation because you want to feel that you meant something to him, that you were valued and that you are deserving. That's validation. Closure is accepting that he ended it. If he should ever call you, the best way to regain your dignity is to ignore. Ignoring sends a loud message. It tells the other person that they are insignificant. Telling him to beat it only makes you look bitter and angry. Silence works best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted October 22, 2013 Share Posted October 22, 2013 Closure is often not as satisfying as you'd like to believe. Even so, the chances of a liar giving any closure, is rare. Don't waste your beauty and mind on this. Make things happen, they shall in time. Link to post Share on other sites
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