Hello everyone! I'm back after 3.5 years..

[RDawg]

Hello folks

 

It's been 3.5 and a half years since I've posted on here. I joined in May 2010 to help get over what was then my worst break up I'd experienced.

 

It took me a year to recover and meet somone new: we were together for two and a half years and bought a house and moved in together. A week ago she dumped me. AArgh can't believe I'm back in splitsville and going through all the pain again!

 

The short version of what happened: when we bought our place together I found it very stressful, I've never had to deal with home renovation before plus we hadn't lived together before buying the house so that was also a big adjustment. We seem to clash a lot on issues regarding the house and had a couple of heated arguments.

 

We are both binge drinkers, about 4 months ago she told me I really need to start controlling my drinking and I agreed. After that things settled down and there were no more incidents, we actually both kinda forgot I had a problem and we seemed to have a couple of drunken nights with friends prior to the final incident. She would also go out and drink heavily on her own with her friends. Not regularly but every couple of weeks.

 

Anyway here's what happened the day of the final incident: I went to a friends house on my own for a social gathering, got plastered and couldn't drive home. My friend refused to let me drive, thank goodness, but he phoned my girl to come get me and I hit her in the face on the drive home. When we got home she grabbed her dogs and fled to her parents house. When I woke up the next day and phoned her I couldn't even remember what had happened.

 

We spent 2 weeks apart and she went to see a therapist to deal with what happened. We met last weekend and she wanted to break up, I managed to convince her that we must go see the therapist together but the next day she changed her mind and now says it's over.

 

We haven't discussed what to do about the house yet. Man I'm such a mess. I have tried showing her my willingness to change by going to AA. She says even with change she knows in her heart that I'm not the right person for her. I guess by the time this all happened the damage caused by all the fights had already been done.

 

I should have seen the signs and talked to her ages ago. Man why do we never learn?

Edited October 14, 2013 by RDawg

[harrybrown]

It might not change your current relationship, but for the future, go to AA now.

[RDawg]

I will Harry. I want that problem out of my life for once and for all.

 

I don't know if I should fight to try and save my current relationship or just respect her wishes.

 

I am angry with her for not being able to understand that alcohol was to blame for what happened. She did acknowledge that drinking has been a major problem for both of us and that it was baggage from our single years that we should never have brought into this relationship.

 

I feel that if I am truelly remorseful, which I am, and if I go and do something about my problem, that she should be able to forgive me for what I did and give me a chance to work on my other flaws which have caused tension between us.

[Chi townD]

Dude, just think about one time were drugs and Alcohol ended in a positive note? Guess what! It's doesn't. At no time will you ever find anything positive from drinking.

 

You hit the girl you love. That was her dealbreaker. Even if you don't remember it, she does and always will.

 

You seriously need to get yourself sorted. You'll need AA but I strongly think you need to check into a rehab facility first.

[RDawg]

No you're right. I take full responsibility for what I did, but what I'm trying to say is that it would not have happened had I not gone and drunk myself into oblivion. I have never hit anyone in my life or ever become physical in any arguments.

 

We are both heavy drinkers and if we carried on like that eventually something bad was going to happen. Most probably a car accident.

 

I should have sorted my **** out a long time ago. I do feel that we didn't realise how dangerous our drinking was becoming because we'd always gotten away with it. It would have been nice if she had supported me in sobriety by not always asking me to join her for drinks and getting drunk around me though. Don't you think?

[Shadowburn]

I will Harry. I want that problem out of my life for once and for all.

 

I don't know if I should fight to try and save my current relationship or just respect her wishes.

 

I am angry with her for not being able to understand that alcohol was to blame for what happened. She did acknowledge that drinking has been a major problem for both of us and that it was baggage from our single years that we should never have brought into this relationship.

 

I feel that if I am truelly remorseful, which I am, and if I go and do something about my problem, that she should be able to forgive me for what I did and give me a chance to work on my other flaws which have caused tension between us.

 

Wow, you're angry with her for not being able to understand and to forgive that you hit her? You can't be serious. You have drinking problem and shift blame to her. Addicts always point outward. I bet it's her fault you hit her too - she shouldn't have made you so angry.

Seriously, you need to start some serious work here. Good for the girl for bailing out so quickly, that's a real self esteem. No matter how truly remorseful you are, no one should ever accept violence in a relationship.

[GorillaTheater]

east coaster isn't straight but a homosexual

 

you just admitted it

 

Irrelevant to this thread or anything else. Grow up.

[Chi townD]

No you're right. I take full responsibility for what I did, but what I'm trying to say is that it would not have happened had I not gone and drunk myself into oblivion. I have never hit anyone in my life or ever become physical in any arguments.

 

We are both heavy drinkers and if we carried on like that eventually something bad was going to happen. Most probably a car accident.

 

I should have sorted my **** out a long time ago. I do feel that we didn't realise how dangerous our drinking was becoming because we'd always gotten away with it. It would have been nice if she had supported me in sobriety by not always asking me to join her for drinks and getting drunk around me though. Don't you think?

 

Then you remove yourself from that situation! Look, Alcoholism is a disease and you have it! There's nothing more important than your sobriety. If she was still a heavy drinker, then you needed to remove yourself from her life until she got serious about treatment for her own disease.

 

You need to write this off. You're right, you've been getting lucky with your drinking. But, this time, it bit you. And you lost the girl. Drinking is so not worth it. And you end up losing everything in the end.

 

Get help before it gets any worse.

[RDawg]

Alcohol abuse is not a disease or an illness. Leaukeemia is a disease. Prostate cancer is a disease.

 

Binge drinking is a character flaw. The World Health organisation stopped using the term alcoholic some time ago btw.

 

People make mistakes and do terrible things but if they are remorseful and seek help for their problem don't they deserve forgiveness?

[KathyM]

It's not just the drinking that has caused your relationship to end. You also have anger issues that would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people. It sounds like you are very difficult to get along with when sober as well, if you are having a lot of arguments. And there is no excuse for being physically abusive. Alcohol is not an excuse. My father was an alcoholic for most of his life, and he never once was physically or verbally abusive to my mother, despite his occasional drunkenness. You have to own that--that you are not only an alcoholic, but also have serious anger issues and no conflict resolution skills. Rather than trying to get your ex back, start working on yourself. Going to AA is a good first step, but you also need IC (independent counseling) to work on your anger issues, improve your conflict resolution skills, and to help you to overcome your addiction. Until you work on these things and get to a much better level of functioning, you are not in condition to have any relationship with a woman.

[RDawg]

You're right Kathy. I have done some reading on personality elements and I can see that I'm neurotic - I don't deal well with stress. I should have just avoided a lot of the conflct by simply agreeing with her because material things are not worth getting het up about.

[KathyM]

You're right Kathy. I have done some reading on personality elements and I can see that I'm neurotic - I don't deal well with stress. I should have just avoided a lot of the conflct by simply agreeing with her because material things are not worth getting het up about.

Some people cope with stress by drinking. That is how my father coped with stress. You need to learn better coping skills, better conflict resolution skills, and anger management strategies. You can learn that in counseling. Counseling, plus the AA group for support in staying sober, is what you need.

[Chi townD]

Look, call it what you like, if you don't like disease, fine. Still doesn't change the fact that it's a problem. Still does change the fact that it has caused you problems.

 

That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying your a bad person. I'm just saying that you're in a bad situation. And, now, you know that Alcohol is screwing up your life. You're life isn't over, it needs a little fixing.

[reddragon588]

Alcohol abuse is not a disease or an illness. Leaukeemia is a disease. Prostate cancer is a disease.

 

Binge drinking is a character flaw. The World Health organisation stopped using the term alcoholic some time ago btw.

 

People make mistakes and do terrible things but if they are remorseful and seek help for their problem don't they deserve forgiveness?

 

It is a mental illness however. Nothing wrong with it. This thread has really touched me as I struggle with many of these same issues. I will say more later tonight, I'm on my phone now and have too much to type from here.

[RDawg]

Thanks for your interest and your comments.

 

In a way it's a relief.I told my boss, my parents and friends about what I did and it's good that they finally all know just what a serious problem I have with booze. It's just so terrible that it had to happen like this. Shame, I have caused my ex massive trauma and dashed her dreams of a future together in this house she loves.

 

We grew emotionally distant soon after we moved in here. She warned me that my tantrums were pushing her away but I took no head, just muddled along as before.

 

We never talked enough, never switched the TV off and sat at the dinner table to have a proper conversation over our meal. Never took the time to give our relationship a health check. Instead she retreated and I muddled on. Always too busy with work, the house and my own hobbies to realise that I was about to lose her. We worked so damn hard to find this place and buy it and now she's gone, only 10 months since we moved in.

 

Such a shame we cant take what we've learnt and give it another go. She has lost all respect and trust in me so its never going to happen and she's probably right maybe we were just never truly compatible. We had such passion in the beginning and both being around 40 thought our search for a mate was finally over. So sad.

[loversquarrel]

Alcohol abuse is not a disease or an illness. Leaukeemia is a disease. Prostate cancer is a disease.

 

Binge drinking is a character flaw. The World Health organisation stopped using the term alcoholic some time ago btw.

 

People make mistakes and do terrible things but if they are remorseful and seek help for their problem don't they deserve forgiveness?

 

For one thing you are expecting forgiveness way to soon. She deserved not to be hit by you, but you did it anyway. You aren't in a position to expect anything except to get yourself locked up for domestic violence. Forgiveness from her will come with time, if at all.

[HokeyReligions]

No you're right. I take full responsibility for what I did, but what I'm trying to say is that it would not have happened had I not gone and drunk myself into oblivion. I have never hit anyone in my life or ever become physical in any arguments.

 

We are both heavy drinkers and if we carried on like that eventually something bad was going to happen. Most probably a car accident.

 

I should have sorted my **** out a long time ago. I do feel that we didn't realise how dangerous our drinking was becoming because we'd always gotten away with it. It would have been nice if she had supported me in sobriety by not always asking me to join her for drinks and getting drunk around me though. Don't you think?

 

No I don't think. It sounds like she has a drinking problem too. In either case stop deflecting. If you need support - and we all do sometimes - then its up to you to find the right support eystem. Ypu know she's not the right one for you. Shes an enabler of your drinking. If you are serious about your own recovery and future then let her go. Sell the house and distance yourself.

 

Get well.

[reddragon588]

Hello OP. I too have had many issues with binge drinking. I'm a bit younger than you at 25, and so I'd also like to hear from you on how you think our situations are similar and maybe some advice.

 

Although I started smoking pot when I was 15, I didn't start drinking until I was almost 18, and I almost immediately became a problem drinker. I was drinking hard alcohol almost every weekend, and almost always to the point where I was throwing up and blacking out. At my senior prom, I was expelled from the hotel we were having our post-prom party at by security for public drunkenness.

 

My drinking got worse when I went to college. I continued to drink to blackout, although now I was drinking probably about 4 times a week. It caused a ton of problems for me, causing my studies to slip and a lot of friends to check out from hanging out with me. After some legal troubles that came up as a result of my smoking pot, I actually was sober for close to 10 months, in which time I went to AA. But after those 10 months, I started drinking again and it caused a ton of problems for me in relationships.

 

My drinking ended one relationship I had in college. It was only a 6 month relationship, but it was still hard for me. My ex broke up with me because she felt I was verbally rude and borderline abusive when I was blackout drunk. I responded to this by drinking more.

 

My most recent relationship was 3 years long, and it is the reason I'm on the boards here today. I plagued myself with binge drinking issues throughout the relationship. There were multiple times where I drank to the point of throwing up. I got so drunk once that I thought I had lost my wallet and started punching myself in the face because I was so upset with myself (worst part: I hadn't lost my wallet, I was just too drunk to remember where I had placed it). I got so drunk at a party at my ex's house that I got in a fist fight with a friend and got blood all over her house. I got so drunk at one of her friend's houses for a BBQ once that I threw the platter the dinner was served on and it broke, and I didn't apologize for it. I got so drunk that I was kicked out of the nightclub we went to for her 21st birthday and as a result she had to leave and take care of me, on her birthday. I got so drunk on New Year's this year that I almost got into another fist fight.

 

Most similarly to you- I got so drunk when we were camping earlier this year that I accidentally slammed the car trunk door on her head, then blamed her for it and refused to apologize. I think part of the reason I tried to do that was that I was so mortified and embarrassed that I would do something like that that I tried to sweep it under the rug... maybe I thought if I pretended it didn't happen, it would just go away. I don't know what I was thinking, but that was certainly a catalyst in our relationship ending 2 months later.

 

I've tried a lot of things to moderate my drinking, and I'm standing now at a crossroads where I'm starting to realize I may not be able to drink at all. I've given up drinking hard alcohol completely, I've gone on "sobriety stretches" of several months, I've tried monitoring my drinks with phone apps and tallying marks on my hand, I've gone to therapy and attacked one of the root causes of bottling up my emotions and needing alcohol to let them out... but still here I stand.

 

I have problems with AA (mainly that they talk all about taking responsibility for your drinking, then say it's not your fault and it's a disease). While I do think that alcoholism is a mental illness, it's not like mental illnesses can't be controlled. Is the solution for people with social anxiety disorder to completely give up social interaction? But they do make many good points, and I think for both you and I, attending again might be a good starting point.

 

One of the things I've been doing the last couple months is the 8th and 9th step of the AA program... despite the issues I have with AA, I think these are outstanding actions to take. The 8th step is taking inventory of all those you've harmed with your drinking, and the 9th step is going and making direct amends to those people, where possible. This is an amazing step for recovery and can really help you move forward, release any lingering guilt and gain confidence in yourself. Check this out for more info:

 

A.A. Recovery -- On Steps 8 and 9

 

I think this will help you a lot. It forces you to humble yourself and really brings you closer to the individuals you do it with. My 9th step with my parents was one of the most difficult but rewarding things I've ever done. My 9th step with my ex was extremely hard, and I think I may have done it with some ulterior motives of trying to get her back, but at the same time, it did make me feel a lot better- and once I went through it and released a lot of my guilt, I was actually able to notice some of her faults and no longer completely blamed myself for the breakup. Although it was done with some ulterior motives, this was a huge catalyst in me being able to move forward, and start focusing on myself and improving myself.

 

You and I both have had wakeup calls regarding our binge drinking issues, and I hope we can both improve ourselves and not let drinking affect our lives anymore in the future.

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Alcoholism IS a disease, but not an excuse. There are consequences. Saying your going to Alcoholics Anonymous to get sober means nothing. GETTING sober, ACTING sober, LIVING sober means something.

 

I believe actions, not words. You have created wreckage. It's time to deal with it. Let her be. Get sober. You can't change anything until YOU change. You will see incredible things come to pass when you do.

 

I have many years in recovery. Be patient. Focus on your sobriety.

[RDawg]

@reddragon : man it sounds like you've been suffering with this. I hear what you're saying about AA and those two steps. I have done them with some of the people that have been affected by my problem and it has helped tremendously. I will continue with the programme even though, like you, I have some reservations about its suitability for me.

 

I can go for many months without getting drunk and then out of the blue I will go to a social occaission where there's heavy drinking and I will try and match my friends drink for drink and the results are catastrophic. I have missed work before because of this, spent days in bed with hangovers etc. I simply can't do it any more.

 

I think it helps to identify the internal and external triggers that set one off. I have been thinking about mine and I know that social gatherings are a red light scenario. My problem is so baffling - most days I never have a beer after work when I get home, or if I do I will forget I opened it and go off to do something else. I never drink alone or get drunk at home.

 

It sounds like controlled drinking isn't working for you. Only one other option man..

 

I am so scared of alcohol now. Maybe the abstinence route is best for me too. I would like to go for some therapy, it can only help.

[RDawg]

Well I received an email from her today saying she wants to come move her furniture etc. out of the house at the end of November.

 

My knee jerk reaction is to beg and plead promise to change etc.

 

I feel I should make a final attempt at a reconciliation just so I know that I tried everything.

 

Guys, give me strength..

[RDawg]

She claims she is too busy with work to come and pack up sooner.

 

I can't believe she expects me to live amongst her personal possessions for the next 6 weeks. How am I supposed to move on if I'm surrounded by her stuff for the next 6 weeks?

 

Does she expect me to pack for her? Surely if you leave a relationship the decent thing to do is to move out. Put your stuff into storage if necessary.

 

Maybe I should man up and pack all her stuff into boxes and put them into the spare room. That would be a nice thing to do to make some amends I suppose. Not going to be a nice thing to have to do though.

[pinkie]

Yes help her pack her things.... It's the least you could do. Deal with the pain of what your actions caused, be a friend. You are VERY lucky she didn't call the police on you and have you arrested. Your life could be turned upside down for real right now!!

 

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and making excuses to justify your drinking. Get healthy, mentally, physically and emotionally.

 

Some of us can't drink responsibly. Therefore we need not drink at all, ever. Once you clean up, you will discover that nothing but good can come to you for it.

 

You will have cravings, you will have dreams and nightsweats. You will still try to convince yourself that you can have 'a few'. You may backslide. But if you're mentally strong and are sick of the pain you cause yourself and others, you will survive, you will get through it. Just believe in yourself. Goodluck to you!

[RDawg]

Thanks Pinkie. You're right, I should pack her things for her. It's gonna be a tough thing to do but I'll do it.

 

I sent her a text to say it doesn't have to be like this and she responded saying that I must go and sort myself out to deal with my rage, and that she knows I can be a loving partner. She also said that even if I can make the necessary changes she knows in her heart of hearts that I am not the right person for her. Wish she'd come to this conclusion a bit sooner.

 

When I look back on the past couple of months she checked out emotionally ages ago from this relationship. I noticed the subtle clues like the lack of affection and interest in my life. I wished she just talked to me instead of becoming withdrawn. More than withdrawn, passive aggressive actually.

 

I remember a couple of weeks ago how we met at a bar for an evening with friends and she was talking to a guy. Barely said hello to me and carried on with her back to me yacking on about her two years in Thailand to this dude. Rude.

 

Well good luck to her in finding another man who will put his life savings into buying a house that she wanted, walking her dogs every day, doing 50% of the shopping and cooking, lending her my car for weeks at a time.

 

When we met 2 weeks after the incident she had a long list of my errors on her phone, incidents like freaking out when the pool sprung a leak, putting my foot through the roof and becoming upset about it, missing her birthday dinner with her folks because I wanted to attend a friends funeral. What kind of person keeps lists like that?

 

The more I can focus on her faults the better hey?

 

Dont worry pinkie I've been sober since the incident, been spending most evenings with my poor old parents who've been a big help in coming to terms with what happened. They know I have a temper and a binge drinking problem but they also know all my good qualities so it's been great getting their help in seeing things in perspective.

[RDawg]

Well it will be one month this weekend since the incident that led to our breakup but only two weeks since BU.

 

I met with her last night to discuss the sale of the house. We had a couple of beers and did the autopsy on our failed relationship. She says she wants to be friends. She told me about how she's still going to the therapist. Actually took some blame for her part in all of it. It was all very amicable I suppose.

 

Going to a friends place for a braai (barbeque) tonight so looking forward to that.