Buster Posey Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 we broke up last spring, our son is going to turn 1 year old at the end of this month. without getting into much detail about why it didn't work out, she was the one who dumped me because nothing i ever did was enough. i've since tried to work things out but shes so stubborn and we've been fighting ever since. so 2 weeks ago, we had an argument about our son. she ended up saying "you'll never see him again." she has since ignored me completely and i don't know what to do. i don't want to be a stalker and go to her house.. and i don't want to get the authorities involved because i just want to talk it out. i sent i final plea to her yesterday via text saying. "hi, is it ok if we talk? things have been getting out of hand for awhile & i'm to blame. I've been building up resentment towards you, and i don't want to. getting on your case about everything. i realized all i'm doing is pushing you away. you put up with my BS for too long, but i am sorry. i want to be more mature about this. there's no point for us both to suffer. i'm willing to forgive and make up if you are...." i had to basically beg her. she still is ignoring me, i don't know what to do.. i miss them both so much, i want my family back. any suggestions about what i should say, i'm going to try and talk to her tomorrow. please help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buster Posey Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 also, should i have someone from my family or my friends talk to her? Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 Go to court and get yourself some visitation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buster Posey Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 Go to court and get yourself some visitation. i want to use the court as a last resort, i don't want to get us both into that kind of mess. i'm on this forum because i need advice on how to make amends with her. i don't want our kid growing up with a broken family. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 i want to use the court as a last resort, i don't want to get us both into that kind of mess. i'm on this forum because i need advice on how to make amends with her. i don't want our kid growing up with a broken family. This is a last resort. You're not seeing your kid. Do you think he does not notice you're missing from his life? Do you want this to continue forever this way? Are you worried she will file for child support if you file for visitation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buster Posey Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 This is a last resort. You're not seeing your kid. Do you think he does not notice you're missing from his life? Do you want this to continue forever this way? Are you worried she will file for child support if you file for visitation? i'm not worried at all about her filing for child support, or me paying it. i don't want it to be like this... what i really want is to get back with her and work our problems out, at least have a friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 i'm not worried at all about her filing for child support, or me paying it. i don't want it to be like this... what i really want is to get back with her and work our problems out, at least have a friendship. So, file to see your kid. There's no reason filing to have your parental rights upheld should nix you ever repairing your relationship with your child's mother. It will make it clear that you are not going to let her use your child as a pawn in a game, that you respect yourself and your child enough to not consider him a game. You take fatherhood seriously. Then resume your parental visits, take good care of your son, make him a priority. If she is any kind of person worth having over time she will see that you are doing the most important thing, putting your relationship with your child first. If it's going to happen it will over time. Protect your rights in the meantime. Allowing her to withhold your child sets a precedent for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buster Posey Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 So, file to see your kid. There's no reason filing to have your parental rights upheld should nix you ever repairing your relationship with your child's mother. It will make it clear that you are not going to let her use your child as a pawn in a game, that you respect yourself and your child enough to not consider him a game. You take fatherhood seriously. Then resume your parental visits, take good care of your son, make him a priority. If she is any kind of person worth having over time she will see that you are doing the most important thing, putting your relationship with your child first. If it's going to happen it will over time. Protect your rights in the meantime. Allowing her to withhold your child sets a precedent for the future. i will file then. she is using him in this as a game, threatening me never to see our baby again, it really hurts. i plan on sending one more email before i proceed with this.. i plan on saying. "i did you wrong, but not to the point where i deserve to be cut off. i've been punished enough from not being able to be with you anymore. you know i'm a good person. please don't use our son in this to try to hurt me further. i'm trying to do the right thing and make peace. now i'm asking for forgiveness, it's the first step to healing." Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 i will file then. she is using him in this as a game, threatening me never to see our baby again, it really hurts. i plan on sending one more email before i proceed with this.. i plan on saying. "i did you wrong, but not to the point where i deserve to be cut off. i've been punished enough from not being able to be with you anymore. you know i'm a good person. please don't use our son in this to try to hurt me further. i'm trying to do the right thing and make peace. now i'm asking for forgiveness, it's the first step to healing." I would re-word it a bit. Try: I know that our relationship has been problematic, and I am to blame for that to a large extent. I am sorry for my part in that and any hurt I have caused you. I understand your choice to not have a relationship with me at this time. However, please don't make our child suffer for my mistakes. He needs to grow up with both parents regardless of our choices or feelings about each other and our problems. He deserves that. Focus the message in your words about your apology, recognize your wrongs and accept some blame but maintain your son's rights separately. Don't ask forgiveness too soo, it is too pushy. You don't get to decide if you did wrong enough to be cut out of her life, only she gets to decide that. She will not forgive you until she is ready. Also a safer way to do this would be to call your local mental health services and set up a time for family therapy. Then let her know of the appointment time and place and ask that she attend. Even if she does not you should go by yourself for a while to work out what needs to change in order for you to be stable in your child's life. Therapists are ofter very good objective 3rd parties. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 you guys are obviously very dysfunctional. any woman who would keep a child from its father out of SPITE is of horrible character. what is attractive about that?! get court-ordered visitation, first of all!!! wtf dude. do you want to see your kid or do you want to make sure you don't get your ex upset? your priorities are f*cked up! IF you both want to work on the relationship, you clearly should be in couples counseling because you deal with things extremely immaturely. Link to post Share on other sites
betteru Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I agree here but let me tell you, my ex-wife behaves this way nearly ten years after our split. My court-ordered visitation is constantly violated and my kids have pretty been taken out of my life. Believe me, court is only a temporary band-aid for a parent who is bent on alienating you from your child. I wish this man well, but he needs to understand this woman is not worth holding on to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buster Posey Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 you guys are right. everyone keeps saying she's not worth wanting to get back with, that's shes a pain in the ass. but i still love her no matter what. we didn't split because i cheated or anything like that, she just didn't know how to love me anymore, and she told me that. she is immature, and that's no way to punish someone, by taking a child away from sight. i'm not a deadbeat dad, i want to be present in both their lives, i miss them terribly. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 12, 2013 Share Posted October 12, 2013 I agree here but let me tell you, my ex-wife behaves this way nearly ten years after our split. My court-ordered visitation is constantly violated and my kids have pretty been taken out of my life. Believe me, court is only a temporary band-aid for a parent who is bent on alienating you from your child. I wish this man well, but he needs to understand this woman is not worth holding on to. My ex-husband does the same. It's has created some very seriously dysfunctional kids. To the point where I know it is too dangerous to have them in the home with my younger child. Sad but terribly true. OP people who play games with other adults by playing tug of war with little people are ********. Seriously why would you want to be with someone who is willing to mess up your son? Like really, have you looked at the statistics about boys who grow up not knowing heir dads vs. those that do? Your son has a dad, a dad who needs to love him enough to pull his head out of the relationship with his mother long enough to do what is best for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buster Posey Posted October 12, 2013 Author Share Posted October 12, 2013 i know, i ask myself why do i still want to be with someone who treats me like sh*t. maybe because i tend to overlook the negative she has and looking at our situation with rose colored glasses. well, i'm going to send her that email using your advice, i'll let you know what happens if she responds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buster Posey Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 so this is what i plan on saying to her..... "i did you wrong, not to the point where i deserve to be cut off. you know i'm a good person. i understand your choice not to have a relationship with me now, however please don't be spiteful and keep from seeing our son again. regardless of our situation, he is mine too. having unrequited love is hard enough, please don't punish me further." what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 so this is what i plan on saying to her..... "i did you wrong, not to the point where i deserve to be cut off. you know i'm a good person. i understand your choice not to have a relationship with me now, however please don't be spiteful and keep from seeing our son again. regardless of our situation, he is mine too. having unrequited love is hard enough, please don't punish me further." what do you think? Too personal and there is verbiage in there that is accusatory and will just inflame the situation. Try: I know what I've done is wrong. I understand your choice to not have have a relationship with me. Outside of our situation our son needs to see me and I need to see him. Let's focus on that because that's what's important. Please don't punish our son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Buster Posey Posted October 13, 2013 Author Share Posted October 13, 2013 Too personal and there is verbiage in there that is accusatory and will just inflame the situation. Try: I know what I've done is wrong. I understand your choice to not have have a relationship with me. Outside of our situation our son needs to see me and I need to see him. Let's focus on that because that's what's important. Please don't punish our son. i know its accusatory, but thats really the only way to get to her. whenever i try to be civil, or act calm around her, she ignores me. then i have to get a little bit hostile in order for her to respond. Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 You don't actually need her participation here. Just send the message then file Monday morning. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 i want to use the court as a last resort, i don't want to get us both into that kind of mess. i'm on this forum because i need advice on how to make amends with her. i don't want our kid growing up with a broken family. Your family is already broken. And as much as you say "I don't want to get us both into that kind of mess," you have to realize that she's doing this all to herself. She is not ALLOWED to keep your son from you, and the fact she thinks this is OK, the fact she thinks it's fine to keep you from your child, and use him as some sort of pawn is absurd. She doesn't particularly care about anyone in this situation except herself. She doesn't care about you, and she doesn't care about her son if she thinks it's OK to keep his father from him. Babies need their fathers just as much as their mothers. Unless you've been physically, and/or emotionally abusive, or have provided some unhealthy/hostile/dangerous environment--- then she has NO grounds to keep you from your son. There is no "talking" to people like this. You NEED to have legalities involved here. Your son is not yet old enough to be aware of what's really going on, nor will he remember any of this when he is older. Get your stuff in order NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 you guys are right. everyone keeps saying she's not worth wanting to get back with, that's shes a pain in the ass. but i still love her no matter what. we didn't split because i cheated or anything like that, she just didn't know how to love me anymore, and she told me that. she is immature, and that's no way to punish someone, by taking a child away from sight. i'm not a deadbeat dad, i want to be present in both their lives, i miss them terribly. The only person you should love here "no matter what" is your son. Not this vile woman. She's a toxic, immature, spiteful, and horrible human being to alienate you from your son because SHE doesn't know how to love you anymore. That's not your problem, that's hers. That doesn't give her the right to play games with a baby. You keep saying that YOU want to work this out, YOU want to get back with her, YOU want things to be healed and fixed, and YOU want a friendship. SHE!! doesn't want ANY of this. You cannot force your ideals, your wants, your desires, your needs, your wishes, your hopes and dreams onto ANYONE if they don't want it. You cannot keep fighting a fight that is futile. It will get you NO WHERE. Fight for your son. That's IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Criticality Posted October 13, 2013 Share Posted October 13, 2013 i sent i final plea to her yesterday via text saying. "hi, is it ok if we talk? things have been getting out of hand for awhile & i'm to blame. I've been building up resentment towards you, and i don't want to. getting on your case about everything. i realized all i'm doing is pushing you away. you put up with my BS for too long, but i am sorry. i want to be more mature about this. there's no point for us both to suffer. i'm willing to forgive and make up if you are...." And how has groveling and "being to blame" worked for you so far? Not very well, eh? Sorry for saying this, but you need to hear it: You need to stop being the doormat, and the one who's always apologizing, straightening things out and trying to please her. Let me guess, that's what you been doing all through the relationship? And afterwards? Because of that, but primarily cause she seems to be a twisted, toxic egomaniac (no other kind of person would use the kid as a pawn) that means that she has lost all respect for you and being nice and asking nicely won't get you anywhere. You need to lawyer up, get a free consultation with a leader and figure out what your rights are, and how to get there. By all means try the letter if you feel like it, but explore the other option at the same time. Bring a Voice Activated Recorder so she can't twist your words afterwards, if you speak with her. Don't say anything about lawyers and court. Best to use that without her being prepared for it. If the letter won't work, and I doubt it will, take her to court. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts