Tempted to get in touch after 16 months

[Sameold]

Hi guys,

 

I posted a lot in here after my LTGF dumped me after 4 years together. In summary we moved to a flat halfway between our jobs with huge commutes, her job ended up giving her a whole new social life and she ended up falling out of love with me. She ended up with some guy at work who I know she was emotionally cheating with when we were together.

 

Anyway back in June 2012 it all ended, it was quite dramatic, I sent some pretty well constructed texts when I knew she wasnt coming back basically emphasising my hurt, anger etc..pretty strong. Since then I have been NC and not one word from her, she is still with this guy and although I blocked her on FB, deleted her number etc etc I hear the odd things through friends and it sounds like she is doing all the normal kind of stuff that we did together, holidays, trips etc and far more convieient for her as she works with him and lives in same area, probably many mutual friends as they all started on a graduate scheme.

 

Anyway...I don't know why but this last month has been so painful, I feel like I want to say something to her. I am about to start a new career with the Police, something I've wanted to do for years. It pains me as it seems as though someone I loved for so long and thought I would marry, have kids with etc will never be in my life again in any way. It sickens me that she is with this guy and I feel like surely I can never contact her whilst she is with him?

 

I have such wierd feelings for her, I love what we had, hate what she did, hate it that she is with this guy from work. I think she probably thinks I hate her but if truth be told maybe she doesn't think much about me at all. I also don't doubt that she must be happy in her relationship or at very least content.

 

Anyway....I'm not sure what to do, it feels crazy that NC means I can never speak to her again. At some point maybe I'd like to be friends but surely not if she stays with this guy. I would take her back if time passed but I know for now that would not happen as she has so much invested in her life and relationship, it is all a big convienience wrapped in to one through work.

 

I thought about saying

"Hi Sarah, I know a long time has passed now but I felt like the time was right for me to get in touch.

 

You meant too much to me to just write out my life completely and as hard as I've tried not to I wanted to say something. I loved our time together, if I could get us back there now I would. I can't pretend that I don't still think about you. You're the only girl I've ever loved and I guess I still hope that one day we can be back together and living all the dreams we used to have.

 

I'm joining the Police soon back home after all those years of trying , I've made some good friends living down south and I hope you are well on your way to achieving great things at work too.

 

If you are still with the same guy who was involved in our split I don't expect a reply. To be honest I could never speak to you if you were with him and I'm sure you can imagine how I feel about him. I'll never feel ok about how we split up and unfortunately it leaves a horrible taste in my mouth even now. Despite that I can't ignore how I feel and this message is really just to say I still think about you. If you realise you have any feelings for me then get in touch."

 

Would anyone ever consider sending that. Please don't just jump to saying NC. NC is something I have stuck to but at the end of the day sometimes it can be followed out of ignorance too, nothing ventured nothing gained?

[Mariposa10]

You're just gonna get hurt again... She's with someone... I would distance myself if she's in a relationship. There's nothing you can do right now.

 

Have you dated anybody the past year? Do you like someone at least a little bit?

[ponchsox]

Use our new found success and find someone new. She's not gonna change.

[Sameold]

I kind of feel as though why shouldn't I let my feelings out there as her current bf obviously did or she would probably not have left me and started seeing him. She doesn't tend to ever be single for very long at all, its normally long term relationship after long term relationship. I think due to circumstances around her work, location and social life she will keep this one, especially if there is no other options known to her.

 

In the last year or so I have been on many dates through online dating and unfortunately they havn't come to much. I have to say this hasn't been up to me though. I am willing to meet new girls and I don't constantly compare to my ex. I saw one girl for 2 months but it didn't go very far really. I think it has just been weighing on my mind that my ex meant so much to me and having been in NC for so long doing really well maybe I should lay all my cards on the table now time has passed?

[Romaks]

Contacting her will just give her an ego boost because she'll realize that you haven't stopped thinking about her all this time. Then she'll say some ***** to spite you.

 

I know you have a strong feeling to contact her, but it'll pass. Wait.

[Sameold]

She's not a nasty person, though obviously her actions around our break up were not good. She basically deserted me for a more convienient life.

 

It's hard but I kind of just want her to know I'd like her back and I don't hate her, is there no way to say that?

 

Thanks for all the advice guys.

[cif]

As others have said, contacting her will feed her ego and set you back considerably. Wha if she ignores it? She is with the same guy still and has made no attempt to contact you, right?

 

That message is the absolute worst thing you could send. It basically shows her you havent moved on. Very unattractive to say the least. Save yourself the pain.

Edited October 7, 2013 by cif

[organizedchaos]

Well you could contact her and not seem so needy and still hung up. Just a casual, hi, how've you been? What's new? I got a new job, etc.

 

However you obv aren't over her so don't lose all expectations. Don't say you want her back.

[cif]

Well you could contact her and not seem so needy and still hung up. Just a casual, hi, how've you been? What's new? I got a new job, etc.

 

However you obv aren't over her so don't lose all expectations. Don't say you want her back.

 

I was going to suggest this also or to look through her fb first but realized he's not over her yet.

[reddragon588]

Well you could contact her and not seem so needy and still hung up. Just a casual, hi, how've you been? What's new? I got a new job, etc.

 

However you obv aren't over her so don't lose all expectations. Don't say you want her back.

 

Don't contact her at all.

 

It's been 16 months, it's over.

[Bubberfly]

I wouldn't break the NC. Even if you two ever did get back together, it just wouldn't be the same... You two have too many bad feelings between eachother. She moved on. Convenient or not, she moved on.

I know she was your first love, but I promise you'll find another. You're a cop now, plenty of ladies love a man in uniform

[Sameold]

It just upsets me that I can't at least be friends with her but surely I can't be whilst she's with this same guy that was lurking around when we split can we? Wouldn't I just look like an idiot asking how she is etc whilst she's with him?

 

I guess the thing is she's a very stubborn women and I know I would never ever here anything from her anyway.

 

I somehow wish I could let her know that I'd like to be in contact with her at some point if she ever breaks up up with the guy, is this possible? Her sister was great during the break up and I'm tempted to somehow use her support again.

[Sameold]

Also I don't feel like I will ever be "over" her whilst she is still with this guy that was clearly involved in our split however marginally. I think whilst he is around in her life I'll always feel bitter about things. Normal?

[cif]

Also I don't feel like I will ever be "over" her whilst she is still with this guy that was clearly involved in our split however marginally. I think whilst he is around in her life I'll always feel bitter about things. Normal?

 

Not if you move on, no.

 

You really need to get him out of our head. If it wasn't him it wouldve been another guy. I knw it may seem like it overlapped or she left you for him but that doesn't sound accurate from the timeline you gave.

[I-Love-Liberty]

I would not send that message. When you love someone, that means you respect them, even when you're not with them. And I think sending a message like that when she is in a relationship isn't showing her any respect. I had a girl I loved that I talked to for awhile after we broke up, then she started seeing someone, it sucked, but I knew I loved and respected her and most importantly respected myself enough to just let it be. So I would say, now is not the time, if she was single I would say do it.

[Sameold]

To clarify I know 100% she was laying foundations with him when we were together and he was whispering in her ear. I know this because I saw the messages on her facebook after I logged in to her account when she ended it. Literally a week later they are dating and barely any time after she is off on holiday with him so I think "respecting their relationship" is not exactly fair to me, afterall mine got blown to pieces by his interfering when she moved to take a new job.

 

So now here I am, I don't know what to do. Do I never get in touch ever? Obviously I hate the guy she is with as he was involved in our break up and talking to her with him around would make me look stupid I think?

[seekingpeaceinlove]

If you feel like you cannot move on without reaching out to her once more, then do what you need to do. HOWEVER, be ready to deal with the emotions that may arise if she does not respond in the way you were hoping...are you prepared for that? If she rejects you, will you finally be able to move on with your life?

 

Think really hard. Do you really want her back after she hurt you and broke your trust the way she did? Even if an ex were to come back to the person they dumped and begged for forgiveness and a second chance..the reality that the relationship will succeed is slim. In this case, you are initiating the contact..the outlook is grim.

 

An ex of mine contacted me saying pretty much the same thing you are planning on saying. He was never able to move on although the break up was mutual. I had moved on completely from him and it irritated me to hear from him. He didn't respect my wishes to and continued to contact me...which turned me off to him even more. I outright blocked his email and phone number.

 

Think hard...and do what feels best for you. There is no right or wrong answer here...you just have to figure out what you want out of this and how best to move forward. No matter what happens after you send her the message...will you be able to move forward with your life?

 

Best of luck.

[Sameold]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I know that at the moment chances of us being together are 0%, so in many ways you may wonder what I'm trying to achieve in all this. Basically when we split I said some hurtful things, but then again that was probably natural considering what happened. She basically just ran out on me, moved her stuff out and I was made to feel like any conversation around things after 3.5 years was just hassle. It was horrible... I remember saying something like "karma is a bitch and i hope it hurts like hell". I then went NC and that was it. I was trying to be strong and show strength and pride in myself.

 

I guess I kind of want her to know I still feel for her but I want to do it in such a way that I don't look weak and pathetic and that I make it clear I havn't "forgiven" her as I never could whilst she's still with this guy. Does that make any sense? She was a huge chunk of my life so even now it feels wierd that I may never speak to her ever again, she is blocked on fb and has been for the duration. Sometimes I feel like me going total NC has done me no favours.

 

Maybe I'm just crazy.....is there anyway I can say such a thing without looking stupid/wierd? I have considered getting in touch with her sister again casually through fb and seeing if I could send a message that way.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Sameold

[Minneloa]

I guess I kind of want her to know I still feel for her but I want to do it in such a way that I don't look weak and pathetic and that I make it clear I havn't "forgiven" her as I never could whilst she's still with this guy. Does that make any sense? She was a huge chunk of my life so even now it feels wierd that I may never speak to her ever again, she is blocked on fb and has been for the duration. Sometimes I feel like me going total NC has done me no favours.

 

Maybe I'm just crazy.....is there anyway I can say such a thing without looking stupid/wierd? I have considered getting in touch with her sister again casually through fb and seeing if I could send a message that way.

 

I don't think there's a way to pull this off gracefully because you have mixed motives. On the one hand, you want to let her know you still care; on the other, you want to remind her that you are still angry about her betrayal. That's an awkward combination that comes off as very passive-aggressive. I know it's difficult, but I think it's better to stay away from her and put your energy into improving your life and pursuing other romantic options. She made her choice, and you can make one to accept it with dignity and move on.

[Sameold]

I think out of respect for myself, after I was treated like an idiot then I owe it to myself not to get in contact. I said some things I maybe wish I could take back but then again they were clearly said out of anger and hurt over the situation. A situation she had caused.

 

I look back and I remember her crying about it all and I know she was upset, but I think those tears were because she didn't like to think of herself as someone that could cause so much devastation and sadness. Unfortunately for her she should have thought about that.

 

The reality is our lives have gone down very different paths now and I don't know but perhaps the only way we should talk again should be if she decided to get back in touch with me. I might get in touch with her sister, maybe just to tell her about the new job in the police and stuff. I might let out my feelings for my ex to her. One things for sure though and that is that I can't message my ex directly.

[Sameold]

Well I just messaged her sister, in some ways it makes me feel closer to my ex which might sound stupid but I at least want their family to know I'm still out here.

[reddragon588]

Well I just messaged her sister, in some ways it makes me feel closer to my ex which might sound stupid but I at least want their family to know I'm still out here.

 

They know you're out there. You didn't pass away or disappear off the face of the Earth. You don't need to let her know that. If she wants you she will find you. And she hasn't.

[Fufu]

Well I just messaged her sister, in some ways it makes me feel closer to my ex which might sound stupid but I at least want their family to know I'm still out here.

 

They know you are out there, but after messaging her sister. Do you feel better for real or do you feel/hope/wish that she will contact you? Actually it makes you miss her more right? (And that's not a good sign).

 

like what reddragon588 mentioned, if she wants you, she will contact you.

[Mcnulty]

Don't contact her. It will only bring you more pain, trust me on this...read my posts please.

 

Mine is currently back in touch with me and the truth...I still feel his presence the twat! He tarnished her, me and us in so many ways, as did she. You can't go back, you cant, trust me. I'm trying to back off from her..I'm in love with her...soiled goods, don't trust her..these feelings crucify you, believe me...she got back in contact with me...cruel she is.

 

Do not contact her, try to move on and look to a future with someone who is new and accepts you as you are today.

Edited October 8, 2013 by Mcnulty

[Sameold]

Strangely I feel at peace now, her sister was always great to me. We had a chat about things and I explained my feelings as best I could. It was never about trying to get her back as such, it was more to pass a message that when/if the time feels right that I would welcome her reaching out should she ever wish and yet I could never be in touch again whilst she's with her current bf.

 

I'm not waiting for any messages at all, it was more my way of hopefully just being honest with myself. It was a good decision but admittidly it would have been very stupid to talk directly to her, it will have to be her that starts any conversation around anything if we are to ever speak again. The important thing is that despite all the anger etc around the break up hopefully via her sister she will know that I still think about her and wouldn't slam the door in her face if she wanted to come back.

 

I appreciate what the last few posters have said, if she ever came back then obviously it would be a big decision as to whether to move down that road again, however I don't expect her to for one second. Onwards now.....after 16 months I was allowed a slip