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16 years, living with my ex and his parents


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I am Numb!

 

16 years, almost 2 decades of great and no so great memories, 2 beautiful children, owning our own house, having it burn down, losing everything, drugs, alcohol, suicide notes, camping, hiking, playgrounds, boating, dogs, raising puppies, I could write a novel about all that we have been through. I love him with everything I have and now he wants nothing to do with me. Stuff happened in so I moved to the midwest and he eventually moved in with his parents on the east coast. I decided it was best for our kids to have their father in their lives and I really want to be with him. I have only been here 2 months and 2 weeks ago he decided to completely cut me out of his life bcz of our non existant sex life. We live at his parents house where I would feel very uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed. Neither one of us have enough $$ to move out just yet. He will not respond to anything I say whether it be "good morning how are you?" every time I enter a room he leaves it. However he did mention that he spent $100 to sleep with someone. I am horrified and numb. I cannot sleep. I am always wondering where he is. So here I am middle aged woman living with my ex ( I cannot even believe I am calling him that ) and his parents raising our children. I have begged, asked him how I can make it up to him and us be a family again. his response is it is too late. However Sunday he asked what to do and I suggested the fair and we all went and had a great time. When we got home it was back to ignoring me. He is a great father and loves his kids which I am grateful for. I just do not think I can do this. I have no family or friends here. His family is great but I cannot vent or talk to them which is why I am writing here to ask for advice. I appreciate your response.

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Lets see 16 years yes is a very long time. We never married bcz I felt we did not need a piece of paper to show we were committed. He did propose to me 2 years ago and I said yes. So I can try to fill in the blanks I left out above....

 

When we first got together like everyone else it was blss, we moved quickly I moved in with him only after 2 months of knowing each other. We had a on and off moments but everything was going well. I have a difficult time communicating if there is something that I do not like or wrong in the relationship I close up to avoid confrontation. 4 years into our relationship he moved to the west coast said he need a change and some space. We had gotten together when he was 19 and I was 21 very adventurous we were. Always traveleing, camping, hiking, etc. So I figured he did need time to figure life out. In my heart I knew we would get back together. I went to visit him at least every other month. I would always suspect that he was with someone else or at least slept with someone else but what could I do we were not together. It took me 6 months before I would go out and be around other people besides work I was heartbroken. So I decided to transfer with my job out west but it was 14 hours in between us still. He eventually moved in with me and we started our relationship again. It was going great, we both had awesome careers and this big future. Then we bought a house together in 2005 and he felt I did not contribute to the house not financially but helping around it was a fixer upper. I really tried to he is a perfectionist so I once again did not communicate and tell him my thoughts. Don't get me wrong I did help but not how he wanted me to. Then one night I get this phone call from him stating he is not coming home because he is drunk which was good bcz I did not want him driving. I told him I would come get him his reply was that he did not know where he was. He was with a woman, yes woman who was maybe 15 years his elder. So she got on the phone to give me directions but was so drunk she really was not making any sense and was having a hard time giving them to me. I was sooo hurt and pissed off. I went out looking for his truck in the generally directions that they gave me. No where to be found. I was devastated stayed up all night for him to come home the next day like nothing happened. He said that he slept on the couch and nothing happended. They were just really drunk. So I let things fester inside and kept my emotions bottled up. Then 1 year later we had our first child and he began to use drugs. When our son was 10 months old he did the same thing except this time he did not call me, he just did not come home. I was worried sick. I called the hospitals, all his friends, the police station, went out looking for him. Once again he come home the next day and kissed me on the cheek said he was sorry for not calling but his battery died and he passed out at a "friends" house. I found out his friend was yet another female. He says they did not do anything. so I believe him and told him his family needed him at home not out and about. Then the drug use began and he went his way and I went mine meaning he would work come home for a minute then back out until the wee hours of the morning. I would work take care of the baby and sit up worrying about him until he came home. I loved him and we started a family which I never had a whole family growing up so I really wanted to create this for our child. Then drugs and suicide notes got too bad and I packed our child up and moved to the Midwest where my family is. I did this while he was in 72 hour psych lockdown. Very cowardly of me to just take his child and go without telling him face to face. None of my friends would let me stay with them so I went to my family. When he got out he was furious as she should have been. It was a very difficult decision and very hard to pack up my whole life in 3 days and move out of state. He was heartbroken so was I and our child. He agreed to go to rehab for 30 days and he did and sounded great. We spoke a few times while he was in but spoke a lot when he got out. Christmas eve just a month after he was clean and sober our home caught on fire and was completely destroyed. This devastated him and he went back out drinking and using. I did not go and visit bcz I thought it would be to hard on our child. I did 2 months after it happened. Decided to move back to the west coast because I wanted to be there for him, he had lost everything! He was trying to salvage pots pans, anything and everything cleaning them in a big horse trough. It was tough. Through our insurance they put us up in a rental house for a year basically 2 miles from our old house. Our son went to Kindergarten and I got pregnant again. Had an extremely difficult pregnancy which he helped out a little but always had a few choice words to say. Neither one of us were working we both were very depressed and fed off of each other. he would use and I would turn a blind eye and not say anything bcz I wanted to take care of myself and avoid confrontation. I had our second child and by that time things were out of control. We needed to move out of the rental house our year was up. Neither one of us had a job or money. I was not contributing by coming up with ideas what to do or help in any way. I was absorbed in myself and our kids. All my bottle up emotions that I hung onto for all the years was coming to the surface and I did not want our kids to see that. so once again I moved back to the Midwest got a place, a job and took care of our kids. We kept iin contact. I missed him and love him. After a almost a year he came out to live with me but I still had a lot of bottle up resentment I did not know what to do with. he was clean and sober which I was so proud of. He stayed with me for 3 months and we did not get along too much. I lived in an apartment and was getting assistance from the state which he thought that was so white trash and despicable. It was the best I could do at the time. he moved to the east to be closer to his family and lived with his parents. I finally decided yes it would be so much better for our kids to have their dad in their lives and his family than where we were at. so once again I moved. We have been here since Aug and things were going great we got along great, but no sex. I once again didn't think it is a good idea to do that under his parents roof. So begin of Sept his birthday, I said Happy birthday to him which he did not hear. I cooked dinner for him when he got home from work he was in a bad mood. And basically told me to F*** off. He says that he is going to find someone else to have sex with and I have ruined his last birthday. So now he is ignoring me, staying out late, I have tried to talk with him but he says it is too late. 16 years I do not want this to end. I want our family back how do I do it?

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