Battling to keep NC

[Lightyear]

Struggling to maintain NC, my story isn’t new, I arrived at Love Shack thinking I was oh so unique, and it’s double edged to see that isn’t the case. On the one hand a huge relief to read the many similar stories (the words on this forum have pulled me out of some real black holes), but on the other, hard that this is just the nature of relationships.

 

A little bit of support would be so very much appreciated right now ☺ Plus it’s my Birthday tomorrow, which is adding a little edge to my emotional turmoil. Sometimes I’m up on a high and feeling empowered (through working on the loving yourself shebang), at other times my mind overworks and I feel myself being pulled down into an emotional low (a big hello from the bottom of my self created oubliette right now!).

 

‘We’ split at the beginning of August, after 5.5 years together. I thought he was ‘the one’, although I’m slowly working on letting go of that idea, and him. There can be lots of loves in your life, and he it seems was just one of them (repeat x100).

 

History in brief: In January he moved from the UK to the USA, taking up a job in the deep south for three years. I’d just finished a looong 10year stint of studying and beginning the process of establishing my hard fought for career, the US move didn’t fit in with my plans. Poor communication (from his part, of course!) meant that he decided on his own to go down the US route, no teamwork, alarm bell no 1. Although it was the 'only' and best job for him, it still hurt that I wasn't considered. So after a huge amount of emotional turmoil we set off on the ‘long distance relationship’, I thought at least after investing emotionally in the relationship for so long it warranted giving the long distance thing a shot… Three months in I visited him for a couple of weeks.

 

However, (oh so obviously now) the distance just exacerbated communication problems. I like to talk through my emotions, problems, it makes me feel connected. He finds it very difficult and shuts down. My gut instinct, which I’d been avoiding fronting up to, told me that things were over. I just had to be brave enough to front up to my gut, and start the letting go process. This took soooo long, but I did it, eventually!

 

Technically I’m the dumper, but in reality I constantly tried to rescue the relationship, with little success, it was his way or the highway and there was no talking or teamwork to work things out. In effect he pushed me away, wasn’t able to ‘man up’ to the situation, forcing me to do the dumping, so I feel like I’m both, dumper and dumpee.

 

Since dump day (!) I steadfastly maintained no contact for 6 weeks. A drunken blip in the form of an email, followed by a 1.5hr skype conversation the next day, as once again I tried to rescue the relationship (I fulfilled to a T the classic response: tears, I still love you drama - blimey emotions while they can be marvellous can be equally horrendous!). He was open to this, but once again all the effort was coming from me, nothing from him. So, regaining composure, I shut down comms, and dropped off the face of the earth (no FB, twitter, txt, email, nothing, just silence, and boy does that feel both empowering but also like an abyss of loneliness). NC for a further two weeks. And this is where I am right now, battling. I’d love for it to be all alright, for him to sweep me off my feet, make me feel special and loved, realise the dream I’d created in my head. But I know that I wouldn’t really be happy, he isn’t enough for me, it would take a drastic shift in character and he can’t even deal with his own emotions, let alone the combined emotions of a relationship that to survive requires work from both sides, to shift, grow and change, through both the ups and downs.

 

I’m struggling to let go of the ideal. Realising that tomorrow I will be 34 and single, and the ridiculous thing is I feel over the hill! Objectively I know this is complete tosh, but emotionally, given all societies pressures, I’ve consigned myself to the scrap heap, what an absolute muppet! I want to run back to the safety of the relationship, break NC. Part of me still thinks am I doing the right thing? What if I tried a bit harder to fix things? Is it all my fault? Then I shift to rage, what an ass hole, couldn’t even be man enough to address things, just wants to run away and hide, trapped as Peter Pan, the boy that never wanted to grow up. From there I go to sadness, realise that I still love him, will always love the silly bu**er, wanting to try and fix it all, and arrive back at battling not to get in touch with him…

 

A little moral support wouldn’t go amiss!

[deni9]

Hi there,

I can truly connect with you. I felt like I was reading about my own past with my Ex. I want you to know that it is completely normal for you to shift your emotions about "maybe, I if I tried hard enough It may work" to "He is such a loser, why would I ever go back to him?" I know I did that constantly with my ex. Till one day, I returned home from his place and looked at myself in the mirror crying realizing that what me and him once had is gone. I didn't want to accept it. Since I put so much effort (emotionally) into our relationship, I felt like there had to be a good outcome out of all that! But he didn't know how to communicate. When I tried, he would get mad. It just didn't work out. Slowly but surely I was losing trust in him (it was just a gut instinct) He was so controlling, and demanding. He actually started to abuse me. But I tried EVERYTHING to help him. To help us. I was truly in love with this guy.

Im glad you've gone this far with NC! Good for you! Remind yourself how long it has been that you haven't contact him. That should push your ego and make you want to go further. I know that helped me. And about your feelings about him, well over time that will slightly go away. Yes, it takes time. But time is the only solution!

 

Its quite sad, how we put so much into something because we feel like if we give it our all, good will come out of it. But unfortunately, sometimes that isn't good enough. But when you think about it, you learn how much you can give. And realize how much you are worth. And that alone should make you stronger, and never settle.

 

You are in the right track , continue doing so. Lets face the facts here, you go back to him its going to happen all over again. Like a damn circle. do yourself a favor and save the time and effort on someone who's going to give you the same accord that you can give.

 

I kept going to him, realizing and asking myself "why am I here???" I never got what I wanted and that was love, appreciation, attention, affection, support.

 

but now, I got it all. I have a new amazing boyfriend!

He makes me realize what an idiot I was trying to fix something that couldnt be fix. all that for nothing. smh. but I've learn so much from my ex. so you learn and apply

 

Good luck, stay strong!

*************HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ********

 

p.s go pamper youself and be all pretty!

[Lightyear]

Deni9, you are truly wonderful, thank you for throwing me a line and helping me clamber out of my black hole!! Your reply made me both cry and jump for joy at the same time! Just knowing someone else has had a similar experience is such a HUGE relief, like gold dust, and definitely an early birthday present!

 

Accepting that what you once had together is gone is so, so hard. Resisting that urge to rescue and fix even harder, but clinging on to that feeling deep down inside (with help along the way) that you’re doing the right thing gives that precious glimmer of sanity in the darkness (goodness I’m being dramatic but it just feels great to express it!).

 

You’ve really made me stop and think: firstly about taking away from the whole fiasco knowledge of how much you can give, that really is a positive, I hadn’t thought about it like that. Feels good! Yes, it definitely makes me feel stronger and makes me think why would I sell myself so short? Secondly, if I go back I can see my whole life mapped out, and I know that if I did that I really would be letting myself down. Thirdly, learn and apply, learn and apply, will be my new mantra from now on!

 

It’s great to hear that you’ve found an amazing new boyfriend! Really does give me hope!!

 

Sending a big virtual hug your way and thank you again, this has helped so much!