bloot Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 Hello everyone I would just like to thank everyone who has opened up and given advice on this site. I'm quite cynical and would never have thought i'd be finding comfort on the internet, but this site has helped me more than anything else. So thank you all again... Here's my story... I fell deep in love with my boyfriend, as did he with me. The beginning was amazing,we had so much fun. I always knew he had problems in the past with relationships. It didn't worry me i was the only one he has ever loved and been seriuos about (he has had LOTS of short relationships in the past). After a time he would start pulling back from the relationship and being really loving again. This happened in monthly cycles. I started getting insecure and kept trying to pull him closer, which only frustrated him, he pulled away, I became more anxious, I kept pulling in, he pushed away, the more I wanted and did for him, the less he wanted me..... the cycle continued and we split up. The split up was a complete shock, because I was so sure we loved and respected each other and had a lot of positive aspects to our relationship, i am devasted. During our break up talk he gave lots of vague strange reasons "it just wasn't working" (ok there is truth in that but why not want to try and sort it out?). This man is an interesting and beautiful person, but a person who has issues with relationships, love and control (and immarturity). This I can maybe forgive him for, but i'm not sure about friends?! i don't know how this works . I'm also realizing that I was probably attracted to him in the first place because I'm a bit of a commiment phobe too. basically, we are both young (23,24) and have a lot to learn about relationships but as people we love each other. I'm a month on from the split now and have inforced the no contact rule (after a couple of weeks of going slighty crazy), although i bumped into him in town. but no phone cxalls, texts, e mails and when i see his friends i've decided to keep the conversation brief. i'm feeling a bit angry again for the completey selfish way he has acted and i'm just allowing myself to think of the bad things so the no contact thing is not being too hard (i've deleted his number which also helps). When i bumped into him in town we sat in a park and chatted for a bit and he invited me to his B day party in 3 weeks time (he also made it clear he wants to be friends). since then he has also invited a friend of mine who he saw in town (they became friends during our relationship). i said yes at the time but now i do not want to go i don't even feel like acknowledging his B day at all (he dumped me just before mine). it's obvious he doesn't want the responsibility of an adult relationship but still wants to have me in his life (although he hasn't contacted me). i'm expecting some kind of contact before his birthday and I'm wondering what i should do. he probably thinks that this is the right amount of time to have passed (it would have been nearly 2 months) for us to be 'friends'. i want a male point of view on what his reaction would be to me not acknowledging his birthday at all and what the hell is going on in his head. i don't know what i want any more, all i know is that i do not deserve to be treated in the way that i have. any feedback will be appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 2 months is not a long time - btw, you didn't say how long you've been together. But even so,it could be 2 years since you haven't seen or talkedto eachother, if you are not comfortable with him around you, you should not go. You are in controll here, you can change this. IMO, it is way too soon to become "friends". But again, it's not up to me, it's up to you to judge this. And, if you still are angry at him for dumping you, you shoud act upon it. So what if you appear as "crazy", bitter and unforgiving? These are your feelings. They are important and if he wants to be your friend as he says he does, he should respect them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bloot Posted June 23, 2004 Author Share Posted June 23, 2004 Thanks for your reply. I know its best not to go. But what are his motives for asking?We were together 1.5 years but it was prettty intense, he basically stayed at my house every night (i'm the one with the doulbe bed), i went to his family for xmas etc... Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 I s'ppose he wants the cake and eat it too? Who knows what's in his mind but himself?!? It was very inconsiderate of him to dump you right before your Bthday! 1,5 years it's a lot! Bloot, decide what you want: you could use this opportunity to see if you really care for him, to see how you feel around him. On the other hand, even if he czlls you fis friend, you are playing "the ex"s role... Imagine, common friends, his family, his house... If you feel like you need to ask him things about your relationship, about how and why it ended, I think you should talk to him. It is very important to have a closure. But if these things are clear than... Than... I'd suggest you stop thinking of him, of his birthday, of why he invited you. If you feel like griving, grief! Give yourself the time to get him out of your system. Only then try the "friends" thing! You shouldn't even be thinking about him at all! You were on a good start:no contact. Now take it to the next level: no thinking. Once you're there, you're healed! Link to post Share on other sites
beautiful Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 The best advice I can give you is to run away from this guy as far as you can! He will never change! Take care of you and know that there are people out there that want healthy relationships! No matter what you do or say he will not change! The only person that can change is you. Why would you be with a guy that plays around like this? Work on your own issues and move on hun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bloot Posted June 23, 2004 Author Share Posted June 23, 2004 After a month of thinking and reading i understand why it ended but I doubt he has. I have been so angry i thought my chest would burst. I have grieved, i'm still grieving. I would love to stop thinking. I need to stop thinking. F**k him and his birthday. The last time i spoke to him (in the park) i told him i thought it best that we had split up. but i did not make it clear that he has treated me terribly, i can only achieve this by not making contact on his B day. i have a good social life, i'm doing a PhD and I'm pretty. i am known as the strong independent one in my group of friends. so i don't know how or why i have let myself here be treated like this. i still can't stop being in love i suppose Link to post Share on other sites
ntovrhm Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 It's sounds like you are working your way on getting over him, and although it may be nice to be friends someday, its not going to turn that way at a birthday party for him. If you happen to bump into him around town some other occasion, then fine, maybe you can chat again and see how you feel. I just wouldn't show up to the b-day party (maintain NC) I believe I have the NC down (depending on what time of day it is, it is harder sometimes than others). Now I realize I have to work on the "not thinking" about him thing . . .it is really dragging me down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bloot Posted June 23, 2004 Author Share Posted June 23, 2004 I know how that feels, i spend my day thinking and then i go to bed and dream about him. aaaahhhhhhhh. Anyone got any tips on how to fall out of love and not think? Link to post Share on other sites
ntovrhm Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 I guess it's just forcing yourself to think about something else, or do something else, or go on autopilot. I find that even though I am doing things to keep busy, he still creeps into my thoughts. Its interfered with work, and I'm finally putting a stop to that, but its also not healthy. As far as letting him know that he treated you terribly, I would so like to do that too. But I'm not sure if the other person will ever really know, or believe, that what they did was that bad. . . especially if you had put up with it for a while. Maybe if they are the self-aware sort but, no offense guys, many men are not the type to look inwardly to see why they react the way they do to certain situations. Some often just react, and telling a person like that how poorly they treated you at times will do no good. The best thing to do is move on, and eventually you will find someone who will treat how you deserve to be treated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bloot Posted June 23, 2004 Author Share Posted June 23, 2004 cheers ntovrhm, you are right, i cannot force it, only he will be able to realize how badly he has treated me and the problems that he has. he is an intelligent guy so, in time (once the emotional block has melted), i have no doubt that he will have regrets and some scarey self insights. in fact, i think thats part of the reason he finished with me so abruptly in first place because he didn't want to deal with his problems. as he put it a month before the split " i was making him look at himself like no one before and perhaps i shrink away from what i see" Its just so sad bescuase with out these issues and fears (mine included), as people, i truely believed we passionatly loved each other. why did i have to be the guinea pig for him to find out he couldn't cope with a commited relationship good luck girl, think of number one and spoil yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Author bloot Posted June 23, 2004 Author Share Posted June 23, 2004 Me again i would really like to hear any stories that are similar to mine, just out of interest really... Link to post Share on other sites
ntovrhm Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 Mine sounds a lot similar to yours. . .only I'm trying to also deal with the fact that I think he would criticize me, and pick fights with me when he didn't want to deal with either his own insecurity issues, or fear of commitment. What he was doing was totally wrong, and I allowed him to make me feel insecure. I was walking on pins and needles to try and please him, and make sure he didn't take something the wrong way, or think that I was cheating on him or interested in anyone else. I gave up a lot of my normal social ways just so he wouldn't feel insecure about me. That's okay to a certain extent (to make them feel comfortable), but I did it so much that it allowed him to NOT deal with why he would feel that way in the first place (which was his own insecurity). I thought that, with a little time, and once he got to really know me, he would grow out of it. But now, I've chalked it up to: 1) he didn't want to be in a committed relationship, and looked for problems and/or faults with me to get out of it 2) he has alpha-dog issues, and wanted things his way, but refused to give in return. He didn't want to be in a relationship while he was away (the last few months were long distance), and but wanted to keep the door open for when he comes back 3) he is too insecure and mistrustful of women to be in a healthy/caring relationship with someone 4) we just weren't right for each other. Unfortunately, I do not think that he is the type of guy to really look into himself to figure out what went wrong, he is more of the type to chalk it up to the fact that it is what it is, or just put the blame on me. I will never know, because he was never good at having an adult conversation about the relationship and issues within it, and don't think he could do that as "friends" afterwards. He was also never the type to say he was sorry, which was very frustrating. Unfortunately, I wound up apologizing for things when I didn't do anything wrong, and that probably just validated his feelings that he was in the right about a lot of things. Oh well, live and learn Link to post Share on other sites
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