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After 5 months I am back to day #1


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lavenderlove

So me and my ex broke up five months ago and I have been actively posting threads about my misery that I have been going through.

 

Things got a lot better since in my daily life, as I am taking a lot better care of myself than even have, and it shows, I look and feel better spend more time with friends, I enjoy my job and my artistic career is on an upward rise. At least it feels like it is.

 

One day about a month or two ago I figured why not be friends with my ex? We met a few times before then, had a closure discussion and we didn't make a rule of NC. He contacted me once about wanting to catch up, which I proudly refused.

 

So anyway we went out on a weekly basis to gigs dinner and a chat and I honestly felt that I don't love him anymore. I am not saying that being with him felt like being out with a friend, but it also wasn't an intense emotional experience. I guess because we sorted everything out between us, so there wasn't anything left to feel remorseful about.

 

Until one day we had a really really nice day, we connected, discussed issues we each have in our separate lives and helped each other with solutions.

And somehow it all made sense.

 

I realised over these few months that I have been very forceful in general not just in our relationship but with my work and myself over the past couple of years. And this made everything very hard and difficult for me. I wasn't a happy person at all for a long long time. I wanted to get married and waited for years for that to happen and towards the end I was like a pressurecooker.

In general I felt like I am pushing a very heavy cart up the hill loaded with desires that just didn't want to come true while watching everyone around me just reaching out and grabbing what they want. Or at least that is what I felt like.

 

But things have truly changed for me, I guess because of my attitude..I am softer and go with the flow and I find happiness in attending to others as apposed to just thinking about my problems all the time.

My creativity has come back to me and I experience so much more joy in doing even mundane tasks. I have a grounded plan for the future which is not paved with taking risks and expecting to be miraculously saved while freefalling.

 

He noticed this as well, and made many remarks about this.

 

So I came home with my head in the clouds, started writing poetry and drifted off completely into lets-ride-into-the-sunset-together-land.

 

The next time i have seen him he was ignorant. And everything came back to me. I realised that I didn't leave him because he didn't want to get married but because I can't tolerate his self-centredness and ignorance.

I also realised that regardless of that I still love him.

 

I have some lovely friends, one just had a baby and the other has just decided to have one. They are so beautiful... I mean inside outside.

We talk a lot about things and I notice that they just don't put up with the kind of behaviour I do. They somehow manage to carve respect for themselves by being assertive yet they say they want to feel as their husbands are protecting them. So these two women are inspirational for me because they are so strong yet so tender and fragile.

 

So after all these thoughts I told my X that I can't be his friend because I love him and I am heartbroken.

 

I know many of you now think that saying that I love him is a way of trying to get him back.

To me this feels more like I have burnt my last bridge. To contact him again would mean losing all hope for respect for being appreciated for being loved.

Meanwhile it is the honest truth. I still love the guy, but being with him is like breathing toxic poison that burns out my ability to give. And not being able to give to someone something you want to give is worse than not getting what you want to get.

 

Thank you for reading this. I would love to see what you think.

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I understand what your going through. It's hard to love someone when the relationship is toxic like that. Focus on the ignorance. What is he so ignorant about? Sometimes I think I would rather be with someone I love and loves me back and just put up with their stuff or find some way to make it work even if it isn't perfect. But, every time that behavior comes back it ruins it. Complacency I guess lowers tolerance. It's a struggle.

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only after they are gone and there is that deep pain do we think that we can tolerate the behavior that hurt us. because the pain we felt while they were around, even when it was bad, was 1000X better than how we feel now.

 

But this pain will go away. and as long as you are with/around that person, that subtler pain will always remain. because most people just dont change. so swallow the pain as best you can, and realize that in the long run you are saving yourself from prolonged, inevitable pain that their presence would inevitably cause.

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lavenderlove
I would rather be with someone I love and loves me back and just put up with their stuff or find some way to make it work even if it isn't perfect.

 

I think there is no other way any relationship can work. And believe me I tried so many times.

 

But here is what I mean by ignorance:

 

After our wonderful day together he texts me the next day to catch up for drinks after work. I say that sounds good except I finish work at 4 and he finishes at 6. So I decide to go home potter around...well actually I have tonnes of staff to do in the evenings on my own designwork, because I have a deadline coming up, so I kind of watch how much time I have and try to manage it well. So I decide to go back into to town anyway and meet him at his shop at 6:30, which gives him enough time to close up. Five minutes after I arrive he has a customer come in 45 minutes after closing time, drunk. He decides to give him a haircut anyway-which he doesn't HAVE to, which goes on for an other 30 minutes, then the dude has to go somewhere else to pick up money and comes back and they chat for an other 15 minutes during which my ex could have easily gotten rid of him, but there was just no sense of urgency there. And I just sit there and wait.

He is not even apologetic. And that is when my heart kind of sinks. He obviously hasn't waited to see me as much as I did look forward to see him, he is not ready to make a sacrifice from his commitments like I am.

 

You may say this is just a little thing, but no. This is an attitude which finds it's way of expression in little and large things too. It is the same as when he didn't come to pick me up at the airport after not having seen me for 4 months. Because why waste money on taxi? And this is why he didn't propose to me, because it wasn't important to him, only to me.

 

So I think this is ignorance.

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u got to either talk to him and tell him how u feel..or move on and stay away forever. for good. because this will drive you crazy mentally..bring thoughts that will only bother you (the what if game and analysis stuff).

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oh looks like you said you told him. good on you. time to move forward now. he will never change..never be ready to give you what you want and what you deserve.

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lavenderlove

Thank you for your kind words Echo.

 

so swallow the pain as best you can, and realize that in the long run you are saving yourself from prolonged, inevitable pain that their presence would inevitably cause.

 

 

This is what I feel I ought to do now. For a long time I though if I just give and give and give the ice will break trough, but it never has.

So maybe the way to go now is to nourish my self and accept the hurt and not try to change it or battle with it, but simply let it pass.

 

I had a dream about my first love last night. It was a peaceful dream, and I can't remember what it was about, but I remember that he was in it.

I loved that guy so terrifyingly much that it scares me even now thinking back.

And yet I don't feel that way anymore. And I wouldn't want to be with him again. So it seems that it is possible for these feelings to pass.

 

Letting go may also allow for an other chapter to open with the opportunity for a more openhearted healthy love relationship to blossom. Because if I keep going back for more dirt, what will ever change?

 

I feel that I have to initiate this positive shift inside myself for the good things to come towards me.

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yes, and rely on the wisdom you have from your past experiences. i am trying to get over my first love- really my first everything- right now. i wish i had some previous experience to fall on, but as of now i dont know how i will ever get past this immense love i have for her. i just dont know where the love will go..

 

so as you can see, we each have our own fight to attend to. haha you can do it. if you could move past your first love, you can definitely get past this. You have moved forward in many ways already. much of the heavy lifting has already been done.

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I see what you mean by ignorance. It gets the best of us sometimes. Not trying to minimize it especially if it manifests in other ways. It sounds like he isn't happy with you for whatever reason. Not that he couldn't be, but the way things are and have been don't seem to have done it for him. He probably cares about you very much but is just missing that something. Whatever it is. Like you except you know what it is with you.

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lavenderlove

I know that is the other side of the coin. while I am busy trying to figure out how I feel and how I can be better for us both. Well used to...

I often forget that he may not want this at all anyway and not because he is copping negative behaviour from me, but because he just doesn't really care.

Happy on his own. Doesn't love me...there I said it.

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I know that is the other side of the coin. while I am busy trying to figure out how I feel and how I can be better for us both. Well used to...

I often forget that he may not want this at all anyway and not because he is copping negative behaviour from me, but because he just doesn't really care.

Happy on his own. Doesn't love me...there I said it.

 

He has to care about you right? He wouldn't have given you any of his time otherwise. You know whether he loved you or not by how he was with you. I know there are guys out there that lie to girls but those are also the guys that move on to the next one as soon as they don't get what they want. He doesn't sound like that. He sounds more unhappy with himself than anything.

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This is almost just like my story. Although, our relationship was pretty equal the sense of urgency was just not there. Our relationship went pretty much to the beat of his drum. But to his defense, he is not the most mature person, he still has a couple of years to go.

 

One of the things that I've noticed about friends of mine in good relationships is that the men want to be there. The will do things to be with their wives, not like they are being forced. This jumped out at me whenever I saw a couple who was really committed to each other. For most guys healthy relationships will start to happen when they are in the right place in life, then MAGICALLY they fall in love and decide to be a GREAT husband or whatever.

 

I'm sort of in the same position right now with my ex, everyone makes excuses for him because he is so nice and the type of guy that would just 'foget' to send you something.

 

I think the main reaosn why I don't want to stay friends with my ex is because he tends to stay friends with his exes. It's so easy for him, right? because he cares, but he could was never capable of CARING enough.

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lavenderlove

Maybe. But you see he always wanted to be friends. He likes hanging out with me because I am one of the very few people who connect with him intellectually. And I am one of the even more few, who puts up with him not making an effort. This this group of people consists of me and his mum. People just drop off all the time, because he doesn't keep in contact, or never initiates it.

 

The weird thing is that even if he is unhappy I don't think he admits that to himself.

 

Anyhow I sense that he sees me as a valuable person whose opinion he can trust and whose thoughts he can relate to. He may feel something inside too, but sure as it is he doesn't express it. And what can you do with that when you are girl and you are not Beatrice?

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Maybe. But you see he always wanted to be friends. He likes hanging out with me because I am one of the very few people who connect with him intellectually. And I am one of the even more few, who puts up with him not making an effort. This this group of people consists of me and his mum. People just drop off all the time, because he doesn't keep in contact, or never initiates it.

 

The weird thing is that even if he is unhappy I don't think he admits that to himself.

 

Anyhow I sense that he sees me as a valuable person whose opinion he can trust and whose thoughts he can relate to. He may feel something inside too, but sure as it is he doesn't express it. And what can you do with that when you are girl and you are not Beatrice?

 

I think you have to let him improve. The other poster made a good point about guys being in a good point in their lives.Things don't have to be perfect but certain hang ups can make it hard. I never want to improve alone though. I wished my ex would do it with me or encourage me and stick around, idk. He does have to be able to express his feelings to you though in the meantime or he's going to end up losing you.

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Maybe. But you see he always wanted to be friends. He likes hanging out with me because I am one of the very few people who connect with him intellectually. And I am one of the even more few, who puts up with him not making an effort. This this group of people consists of me and his mum. People just drop off all the time, because he doesn't keep in contact, or never initiates it.

 

The weird thing is that even if he is unhappy I don't think he admits that to himself.

 

Anyhow I sense that he sees me as a valuable person whose opinion he can trust and whose thoughts he can relate to. He may feel something inside too, but sure as it is he doesn't express it. And what can you do with that when you are girl and you are not Beatrice?

 

Ok, well are you his mom? because it seems that you are fulfilling the same function in his life that she is. I told my ex after the break-up when we were out one night, that you he expects his girlfriends to be his mother...and I am not. He got so mad at me for saying this because it was probably not the first time that heard it.

 

He just seems lazy, lazy at life, not his job or family, but life.

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lavenderlove
Ok, well are you his mom? because it seems that you are fulfilling the same function in his life that she is. I told my ex after the break-up when we were out one night, that you he expects his girlfriends to be his mother...and I am not. He got so mad at me for saying this because it was probably not the first time that heard it.

 

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

I would still like to see myself more as Beatrice, but hey, Dante was an other kind of guy.

 

You are right...he is sooo lazy. I could list all the things he just can't be bothered with. His art is the only thing he cares about. But then come to think of it, he is not even that productive.

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Well, then if he can't even make his own life and doesn't care about his own friends, then how can you expect him to have anything healthy with you? Not trying to sound mean but my ex was great at his job, played lots of sports, fixed lots of things. He was very productive in hus life, but when it came to his personal life (us) he knew that he just had to make a small push and we would be at the next step. Well, he td me that he was too lazy to make that effort. Really??? I met his brother and hus wife and they have an amazing marriage. So does his sister and her husband. Yet, him being the youngest, just doesnt have to have a relationship and can just be happy on his own.

 

Ahhhh...and I am glad that things ended bcs. a LDR would have been too much for the prince to take.

 

The question that I'vd been asked, that I've asked mylsrf, and that you should be asking yourself is do you want a real relationship with a man? Or keep waiting for your exe's 'relationship potential' to reveal itself??

 

I don'tean to sound mean, it's just that in my times of frustration, I would ask myself this question.

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lavenderlove

Easy answer I want a real men. I really do. Lately I have been observing my friend's relationships and the ones in my family, and honestly my relationship with my x was so far away from any of those. And here I am not talking about romcom love affairs that last a lifetime, but second marriages, cross cultural relationships, the 'he cheated on her, she forgave him' scenario and the odd oops, we are having a baby but don't even know each other type. So they are far far from picture perfect. But still you can just look at two people and see that there is something between them that makes everything else secondary.

 

I want that thing. And the first step of attaining it is by becoming a person who is open and receptive to it, not someone who is carrying a massive backpack stuffed full of their x's bodyparts.

 

And I don't think I mentioned earlier that I am actually working very actively on all those faults of mine that have led to the breakup. I have learnt a lot about myself, managed to forgive those mistakes and now I can focus on today instead of yesterday.

 

It is pretty bad Talulah what your ex said. Just gave in like that. I really don't get it. Actually there is one explanation that I found that helped me understand a lot. You see my x did things like open the car door for me and pay at restaurants, support my creative work and did extraordinary things that kept surprising me. But he never did something he didn't want to do just to help me. Be that the smallest of things. He just wouldn't.

Examples: He did NOTHING around the house and I mean it. It was often so frustrating to ask him to bring a snack for me when he picked me up from work at 11pm and I was starving, it was just such a pain for him.

 

So my conclusion is: He does nice things because he wants to see himself as that kind of guy. But really he is not caring at all. So he fulfills his own expectations of himself and makes sure that I am well reminded of those consistently when I mention something that bugs me.

 

To hell with it!:p

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Easy answer I want a real men. I really do. Lately I have been observing my friend's relationships and the ones in my family, and honestly my relationship with my x was so far away from any of those. And here I am not talking about romcom love affairs that last a lifetime, but second marriages, cross cultural relationships, the 'he cheated on her, she forgave him' scenario and the odd oops, we are having a baby but don't even know each other type. So they are far far from picture perfect. But still you can just look at two people and see that there is something between them that makes everything else secondary.

 

I want that thing. And the first step of attaining it is by becoming a person who is open and receptive to it, not someone who is carrying a massive backpack stuffed full of their x's bodyparts.

 

And I don't think I mentioned earlier that I am actually working very actively on all those faults of mine that have led to the breakup. I have learnt a lot about myself, managed to forgive those mistakes and now I can focus on today instead of yesterday.

 

It is pretty bad Talulah what your ex said. Just gave in like that. I really don't get it. Actually there is one explanation that I found that helped me understand a lot. You see my x did things like open the car door for me and pay at restaurants, support my creative work and did extraordinary things that kept surprising me. But he never did something he didn't want to do just to help me. Be that the smallest of things. He just wouldn't.

Examples: He did NOTHING around the house and I mean it. It was often so frustrating to ask him to bring a snack for me when he picked me up from work at 11pm and I was starving, it was just such a pain for him.

 

So my conclusion is: He does nice things because he wants to see himself as that kind of guy. But really he is not caring at all. So he fulfills his own expectations of himself and makes sure that I am well reminded of those consistently when I mention something that bugs me.

 

To hell with it!:p

 

 

All relationships are work and yes they are not perfect. But it makes you really think about the one ou are in and the differences are highlighted to you.

 

Yea, I know it's pretty bad what he said, he was honest to a fault, too honest. Always was. He actually smiled too when he told me that, has been there before I know. It feels good to have someone hung up on you, doesn't it? He was alll about working on himself after the relationship. I told him that if he needed his faults pointed out as to why he is not good with women, then he should go see someone who can help him, or read a self-help book.

 

But he knew that he was bad for me, I made a lot of effort, I know he did too. But I just don't think that he can understand the pain that he has caused. He told me that he has never been in love, but I really don't believe it, I think that he was once with a girl, who he loved but he dumped her because she was his first serious relationship.

 

At this point, I'd love to work on myself, but I don't want, to, I don't want to show him that he has hurt me this bad. Although, I know, I should.

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lavenderlove

Basically anything you say to him now I reckon will just boost his ego, because it would show that you think of him even if only in a hurtful way.

 

I don't think guys (or women) who hurt us understand what they are doing. This is the whole idea of karma. Often we can only feel the burn when it's our skin.

 

So I know this sounds vengeful, but I think the best and wisest thing to do is let life handle his destiny from now. What goes around comes around.

 

Same goes for you and me. I feel proud that I learnt from my mistakes and next time I will make sure I don't fall into the same traps.

Currently I am learning how to stay away from harmful or uncaring relationships. Not just my ex, I am sorting through all the baggage.

 

What happens to him is up to him now. And who knows one day he might receive the heavenly spark, but I won't be the one to take the call.

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Basically anything you say to him now I reckon will just boost his ego, because it would show that you think of him even if only in a hurtful way.

 

I don't think guys (or women) who hurt us understand what they are doing. This is the whole idea of karma. Often we can only feel the burn when it's our skin.

 

So I know this sounds vengeful, but I think the best and wisest thing to do is let life handle his destiny from now. What goes around comes around.

 

Same goes for you and me. I feel proud that I learnt from my mistakes and next time I will make sure I don't fall into the same traps.

Currently I am learning how to stay away from harmful or uncaring relationships. Not just my ex, I am sorting through all the baggage.

 

What happens to him is up to him now. And who knows one day he might receive the heavenly spark, but I won't be the one to take the call.

 

I'm a big believer in karma. I was not thinking of it last week, but I have been thinking of it lately. And I know that it hits you when you LEAST expect it. I know I've hurt people in my past as well and that came back 10 fold.

 

Although, I know that he is not a bad person, he is a good person. I sort of feel that he always knew what his problem was, it was almost like a child saying "mom, I know that I am bad, but I don't have to change/care now and I want to become better but I don't know how, show me how. Yet, when mommy spanks her son, he hates her for doing so and will NOT change for mommy, no matter how much he cares for her."

 

It is good that you are sorting through all of your baggage, I am dropping mine as soon as I leave this country (which is in less than a month).

 

I feel like this relationship has shown me my final mistakes (things that I need to work on).

 

I also hope that in the future I never get that stupid 'karma call'. Where they just got their butts kicked and out of the blue they out of nowhere feel the pain you felt.

 

Although, on some level I think that I've hurt him too. His ego, that is.

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