Jump to content

The "In the Middle" conundrum


Recommended Posts

2SidestoStories

Two of my close friends recently broke up. By recently, I mean it's been less than two weeks. By close friends, I mean one of them is my best friend, and the other is someone whom I have become close with partly as a result of experiences that she and I have in common via past horrific relationships. My friendship with HER has only been in effect really for just under a year, but my best friend and I have been extremely close in spite of his leaving to live in Denver for a while; HE and I have been super close for more than eleven years (egads.) Their relationship lasted under a year. The reason HE told me he wanted to break up with her was that he was very aware that she was looking at what they had together in a much different light than he was...in other words, she was seeing a degree of permanence that he was flat out NOT feeling. The problem is, I don't know whether he told her that truthfully or not, since she has been telling me that he has said very different sorts of things. His reason for having hesitation is that he does care about her, and really wants to be able to remain friends with her.

 

Anyway, so they break up. And she calls me to cry about it. Which I completely understand, and can handle the first ten times it happens. THEN, she flat out says "He wouldn't have thrown away something this good unless he was seeing somebody else!" Ah, the shXt talking begins. I very abruptly tell her that even if I knew that he was seeing someone, she could not expect that I would be the one to tell her. My annoyance level increases on a multiple-times-daily-basis as she continues to call me to ask "How was your day?" only to eventually turn the conversation back to "So I was thinking again about my relationship with _____..." Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. I start to feel quite used. I sit and ponder whether this is "fair of me" to feel, then come to the conclusion that even if she is having the urge to take advantage of my closeness with "her ex-boyfriend," all I must do is remain honest and loyal to both of them, because this really is something terrible that she's going through. Not so hard, I convince myself. But she keeps calling and saying horrible things, even when they're preceded by "You know that I really do love that guy, but..."

 

Finally, tonight, she just gets entirely under my skin. We've gone to see the new Harry Potter (side note...the hippogriff is AWESOME!) and then have plans that afterward we are going to come back here to play a silly board game called "Settlers of Catan" with Devin along for the game. I will spare everyone the explanation of what the heck this game is, but if you know it, you now know precisely how much of a huge nerd I really am. :D Anyway...she asks if it's still the plan that we're going to come here once the movie has let out. I mumble something that I thought was fairly affirmative as a response. She asks again, in slightly different wording. I state again that yes, that's the plan. (We had gone through this earlier today whilst making the plans to see the movie tonight.) She asks a third time, and I turn around in the parking lot and tell her to chill, that if my answers were too vague for her I was sorry, but I thought I had made it plenty clear that the plans were indeed to return to my house and play the damn game, and that I was damn tired of being asked the same thing repeatedly with slight variation. I then turn around and storm off. I immediately feel like an a**hole, so call her via cell phone to apologize.

 

It is in this moment that I realize exactly how much in the middle I have been feeling. I still talk to him, of course...he's my best friend, for F's sake. But I simply can't deal with being in a place where I am hearing two sides of a situation in which I was never directly involved anyway. Especially when she has begun saying bad things about him that I know are untrue. I feel like she is projecting her frustration with him onto me, because it's like I am the next closest thing to him that she knows. Oh, but what's HE doing in the meantime? He apparently did not tell her everything as honestly as he claims he did. I get the feeling he was overly flowery in his presentation so as to soften the blow, which I can understand to some extent, but if it was so soft as to not actually carry the appropriate message, then he's done himself AND this person he claims he wants to be friends with a greater disservice than by being honest. AAAAAAAACCCCCKKKK!

 

So, wise ones of the Shack, how do I handle this?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, I do have an advice.

 

I think it's great that you've decided to remain friends with her, even if he's your best friend.

 

But friends have more than other people in common.They have the same tastes in music or films or clothes and parfumes, or games :) , or values in life, or simply enjoy each other's company, trust and are willing to helpe echother.

 

Maybe you have had the same "horrible" past experience, but this doeas not make 2 people friends. You need to enjouy her company and vice versa.

 

My advice to you is tobe loyal to your male friend. If he didn't have the courage to tell her the truth, maybe he had his reasons. You should not either.

 

Also , consider carefully this: tell her exactly what you told us! That you feel uncomfortable about the endless talks about her relationship, that she should respect the fact that you are his friend also, and that you feel a bit used by her, by the fact that everytime she has something bad to talk about she calls you. Friends are not emotional trash bags.

 

 

Of course, you'll put that nicer than I did :o . But honestely, 2Sides, if you feel you just had enough of her whinning, tell her. LEt her know which are your limits, she can't know!

 

If you don't communicate, you'll get sick and tired of her and will end up pushing her away. So have a nice heart to heart talk and see if you really have that many things in common besides her ex. I am very carefull about whom I call 'my friends'.

 

 

Just a thought, anyway,

 

Curly

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lonelystar

Wow tuff situation to be in. I guess she keeps telling you all these things because she can't tell him. She feels like you are her only way of letting out some steam. Talking about your feelings after a break up does help, and some people tend to be obessed about it for a couple of weeks after it happens. I can understand your feelings though, and it sucks when you know both of them. Tell her how you feel, and tell him how you feel. I share mutual friends with my ex, but I never really complained to anyone.. ( except on here). Tell her about this forum.. maybe she can let some steam out here. I hope it works out for you. Goodluck being in the middle.

Link to post
Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO

She’s stuck up your butt because she already suspects that your friendship with Devin has/will develop into something more. Particularly because the two of you have just recently reunited, and shortly thereafter you, yourself, suddenly became single again.

 

If I recall correctly, didn’t your husband also have some jealousy issues when you initially reconnected with this guy at a party?

 

She may already be worried that this has something to do with Devin’s sudden change of heart…although she hasn’t come right out and said it for fear you’d get mad and squeeze her out completely. She probably already senses you are becoming agitated with her and is aware that you are beginning to find reasons to distance yourself from her. After all, you befriended her initially because of Devin, but your loyalties first and foremost have always been…and will always be…to him. She knows this.

 

What’s the old saying? --- ”Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.” :D

 

It’s a tough spot to be in 2Sides. Can’t say I envy you there! :( But I’ll be curious to find out later on if you and Devin finally “hook up” officially now that the coast is clear. :love: My intuition tells me that it’s already been heading in that direction for quite some time. I think those closest to you have already suspected that as well. After all, there is usually more going on beneath the surface than initially meets the eye. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Since you are close to him, you are the surrogate 'him'. She's telling you that which she wishes she could tell him. Part of that, doubtless, is her wish that you convey whatever of what she's said to him so that it might change his mind. She is as compulsive in her desire to discuss the situation as are most people after a loss of some sort.

 

If you truly want to keep her as a friend, then, as in every other situation, honesty is the best policy. Tell her you enjoy her company but do not wish to be involved in the discussions about the relationship. If she begins to talk about it again, remind her you've asked her to refrain from discussing it with you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...
  • Author
2SidestoStories

So...about those friends of mine who broke up recently...my female friend has been getting tremendously under my skin with her behavior in terms of my male friend, but I have come to the conclusion that whatever's between them is precisely that: between them. Fine, I can deal with that, I think. They're still seriously trying to be "friends" with each other, but I really think the way they're going about it is more destructive than constructive, and I have done my part by telling them BOTH that exact thing and the reasons I think that, and then bowing out.

 

However, this evening, she was having a small get-together at her place to watch movies and such, and had invited me as well as my male friend along (among other people.) I saw her for a while earlier in the day because she came over to utilize my computer to finish up writing and sending out her resume, blah blah. As she is leaving, she tells me to give her a call if I am NOT going to make it to her gathering this evening. I say, "No problem; it's my intention to get the kids to bed kind of early anyway, and so I will almost undoubtedly be able to get there by around 9pm."

 

Apparently, life had other plans for me, however. The kids were absolutely wired this evening and instead of going to bed by 8:30, they were in bed by 9:45. Then, I chose to rest my brain for a little bit, as well as time things to where the first movie they were all watching was nearing its end, I went out to get my car going. For whatever reason, the electronics have been absolutely misbehaving, and I can't get the damn car's high-beams (brights, you know?) to shut off, no matter what. So I become more and more frazzled (I had honestly wanted to go over there tonight!) and then give up, because there is really no other choice I have. I come inside (and it's now about 10:45 because I had been messing with things in the car, likely a BAD idea, but you know...I'm entitled to irrational behavior, goodness knows!) and call her cell phone. She immediately regards me with a "Whatever!" kind of attitude, which I find strange and rather disconcerting, but I continue to explain.

 

After a little bit of passive-aggressive nonsense, she blurts out an accusation that I had made plans with my male friend (her ex-boyfriend) behind her back and ditched her, because *I* hadn't called her earlier, AND because she didn't hear from him!! :mad::confused::mad: I didn't call her before because she asked me to call if I wasn't meaning to show up, which I *WAS* meaning to do, and she had informed me earlier today that the message she left for him was along the lines of "Hey, I'm having this thing at my place; call me if you feel like it, and if you don't it's no big deal."

 

Again, their stuff is their stuff. But damn her for immediately jumping the gun and F***ing accusing me of lying to her! I don't know how much more of this garbage I can take! I feel like I've been putting forth a very honest effort at maintaining the friendship that she and I have developed, and that if she has that much suspicion, SHE is the one being dishonest in trying to keep me close. (As acknowledged by Enigma here earlier...<snarl>) I will NOT be jumping through hoops for this girl to "prove" my friendship.

 

Thoughts?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...