My ex BF and I are bestfriends, but I still love him

[Runway1975]

My ex and I been dating for 5 months and dumped me on our 5 month anniversary *May 6th* ... What we had was insanely sweet. Long story short we had several hit and runs throughout the relationship. Our last argument was 3 days before our anniversary... the next morning he sent me a txt basically saying how much he loves me and can't do without me and that we will always remain together. Anniversary comes and he turns around saying that he doesn't feel the relationship.in his heart anymore and that the last argument messed him up and he dumped me ..

 

Devastated I was but found the strength to accept his wishes and the break up and forgave him..he said that he would love to BFFS from before and I told him sure. 3Wks ago he & a friend of ours dropped by My house 1 night asking to hangout. While our friend wasn't around, My ex told me that he still loves me and that I look very great. When all 3 of us were talking he kept switching the convo back to his lady friend and that he was going to hangout with her all day on Friday .. I smiled and said thats great. But the whole night he kept talking about her and I'll be honest it bothered me a little. On a Sat , I asked if he could pick me up from work and he did.

 

When I asked about his day with his frnd in a friendly manner he said it was pretty awesome and then he hit me with those words that they just started dating. I felt doubly hurt..he said that he was planning on telling me a week later b/c of happened the week before. I put on a smile & said that's great. He wanted me to tell him how I REALLY felt about it but I kept playing it off saying that I'm happy for you guys and I wish you guys the best. As soon as I got home, I went 2 My room & cried My eyes out while I held the bear he gave me for Vday. How did i go from being important 5wks ago to NOTHING. He said that he still cares 4 me & always will be there 4 me, but it just makes me cry even more.

 

I was so hurt and betrayed when he turned around and did that , but yet again I found the strength to accept it. A week later he told me that he feels guilty and how bad he felt, cause I was having some health issues and the last thing we both need is for him to be guilty. He also came by to see if I was feeling any better...plus we talked yesterday after a week without NC asking me if I was okay or how I'm doing. Then we had a heart to heart moment when he told me that you're still my best friend and that I'll never ever walk out of your life cause you mean a lot to me and that he still cares. I told him vice versa. But however, Im still very much in love with him, but I respect the fact that he wants to be friends.

 

I just wanted to know if theirs any chance of us reconciling like much, much later? He means so much to me and I'm not saying this just to say it, but I feel that our relationship should get another chance. Not now or soon cause he has a new GF and it'd be insanely disrespectful to just take him away from someone else .

 

I also wanted to know what iss a good strategy for me to cope with heartache that, i still have. I am moving on with my life, but i still feel very gutted and i cant seem to fill.in that hole in my heart... any advice? Please and thank you ♥

Edited June 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[HopelessRomantick]

I could use some advice on remaining BFF's but as I'm slowly & painfully realizing, it's probably not possible or realistic.

 

My xgf broke up with me last summer after a LTR LDR and begged me to continue to be her BFF. Given my broken-hearted state I said yes. As much as I want to and also be a part of her life because I love her unconditionally, it's just too painful to see her in a relationship, etc. We are slowly and again painfully becoming only acquaintances again and the "Us" we once were is fading to distant memories. It's been almost 1 year and I still think about her "EVERYDAY", how we used to be, what she's doing, why she really left me, etc. I think I will take my last breath thinking about her...

 

So Runway, this is like the blind leading the blind but I don't think being friends is going to work for anyone not even you. I suggest you move on and take care of yourself in doing so. Pursue your life and pursue your happiness.

[Treasa]

He broke up with you, is basically using you as a soft landing spot and to assuage his guilt, and you're worried about his health??

 

Sweetie, he broke up with you and then almost immediately started dating someone else. Chances are he liked her before he broke things off, but regardless, you shouldn't even be his friend if you can't handle it.

 

I would have told him to get out of my life. Either I'm his GF, or I'm not, but he doesn't get to pussyfoot around the issue and "sort of" keep me around. F that.

[na49]

He broke up with you, is basically using you as a soft landing spot and to assuage his guilt, and you're worried about his health??

 

Sweetie, he broke up with you and then almost immediately started dating someone else. Chances are he liked her before he broke things off, but regardless, you shouldn't even be his friend if you can't handle it.

 

I would have told him to get out of my life. Either I'm his GF, or I'm not, but he doesn't get to pussyfoot around the issue and "sort of" keep me around. F that.

 

I've been meaning to tell you this for a while but I love your signature. Wreck-It Ralph is such a good movie and I LOVE that quote!

 

OP- If you still have feelings for him, being his friend is actually the worst thing you can possibly do. You've fallen into the trap of having him but not having him. He's there to talk to you, but he's not there in the way that he used to be. This is torturous for you and painless for him. He's got a new girlfriend already? F*ck that is right! Let him know you can't be his friend. (let alone his best friend ) You can also be clear with him, letting him know a friendship doesn't work for you because you will always want more.

[HopelessRomantick]

I think I will take na49's advice too.

 

na49 what you say makes perfect sense and although I have thought it often, hearing it the way you put it so simply seems like a no-brainer.

 

I always say she [my xgf] has her cake and can eat it too.

[Runway1975]

*sighs* I know it just hurts..... earlier today we were talking and the convo was quite fun and funny. Then I got on Instagram, to post a pix and on my news feed I saw a pic of him and his GF and he captioned it saying "She's amazing (:" ....pathetic as this sounds but after seeing that I began crying like out of nowhere </3 ... I just feel so betrayed and at this point idk what or how to feel. Im moving forward with life but it just hurts still like...how can you break up with me (on our anniversary ) and then a week later you get with someone else. What makes the situation even worst is that he wanted to date her longggg before we started talking. However she told him that she doesn't like him that way but still kept flirting with him which confused him. Then when she found out that we were dating she got mad and insanely jealous... I accept that he has someone new and that he's happy and I wanna be there for him but before that can happen I just need to feel better and find what makes me happy. But still I just feel so gutted inside...this guy has been my Bestfriend for almost 3yrs and all I could ask myself was how could he do me that way..

[flitzanu]

My ex and I been dating for 5 months and dumped me on our 5 month anniversary *May 6th* ... What we had was insanely sweet. Long story short we had several hit and runs throughout the relationship. Our last argument was 3 days before our anniversary... the next morning he sent me a txt basically saying how much he loves me and can't do without me and that we will always remain together. Anniversary comes and he turns around saying that he doesn't feel the relationship.in his heart anymore and that the last argument messed him up and he dumped me .. Devastated I was but found the strength to accept his wishes and the break up and forgave him..he said that he would love to BFFS from before and I told him sure. 3Wks ago he & a friend of ours dropped by My house 1 night asking to hangout. While our friend wasn't around, My ex told me that he still loves me and that I look very great. When all 3 of us were talking he kept switching the convo back to his lady friend and that he was going to hangout with her all day on Friday .. I smiled and said thats great. But the whole night he kept talking about her and I'll be honest it bothered me a little. On a Sat , I asked if he could pick me up from work and he did. When I asked about his day with his frnd in a friendly manner he said it was pretty awesome and then he hit me with those words that they just started dating. I felt doubly hurt..he said that he was planning on telling me a week later b/c of happened the week before. I put on a smile & said that's great. He wanted me to tell him how I REALLY felt about it but I kept playing it off saying that I'm happy for you guys and I wish you guys the best. As soon as I got home, I went 2 My room & cried My eyes out while I held the bear he gave me for Vday. How did i go from being important 5wks ago to NOTHING. He said that he still cares 4 me & always will be there 4 me, but it just makes me cry even more. I was so hurt and betrayed when he turned around and did that , but yet again I found the strength to accept it. A week later he told me that he feels guilty and how bad he felt, cause I was having some health issues and the last thing we both need is for him to be guilty. He also came by to see if I was feeling any better...plus we talked yesterday after a week without NC asking me if I was okay or how I'm doing. Then we had a heart to heart moment when he told me that you're still my best friend and that I'll never ever walk out of your life cause you mean a lot to me and that he still cares. I told him vice versa. But however, Im still very much in love with him, but I respect the fact that he wants to be friends. I just wanted to know if theirs any chance of us reconciling like much, much later? He means so much to me and I'm not saying this just to say it, but I feel that our relationship should get another chance. Not now or soon cause he has a new GF and it'd be insanely disrespectful to just take him away from someone else .I also wanted to know what iss a good strategy for me to cope with heartache that, i still have. I am moving on with my life, but i still feel very gutted and i cant seem to fill.in that hole in my heart... any advice? Please and thank you ♥

 

so he dumped you to start banging this new girl, and you're allowing him to keep you around as his "bff". i'd suggest finding a new bff and not thinking about this guy anymore.

 

sticking around as his friend isn't going to gain you any favor in his life, and at best, he's going to call you some night and come over and sleep with you while cheating on his "new" girlfriend, and then you'll just start feeling worse about this whole thing.

[Leigh 87]

You sound very young and inexperienced with adult relationships.

 

It feels like being his friend and having him in your life is better than never seeing or talking to him again, right?

 

Wrong.

 

Believe me, it will actually hurt LESS if you cut him out and never talk to him again.

 

You will miss him, but you have two options:

 

- cut him out of your life. Block his facebook, twitter, and block all your mutual friends too. Do not text or call him and do not REPLY to his texts or answer his phone calls.

 

You will miss him a lot at first, but within a few months you will get over him and the pain will stop. You will no longer care about what he does or who he dates.

 

OPTION 2: you can torture yourself by being in his life, when he dates other women. You will always feel hurt and upset. For months and months.

 

So, what is it? Miss him a lot and then get over him sooner? Or keep him around so you do not have to miss him and you have a "Chance" with him again, only to prolong your pain and suffering for MONTHS?

 

sigh. You cannot get over someone if you're still talking, texting or seeing them.

 

He clearly does not want you in a relationship at all, so your best option is to move on.

 

You both sound very young and immature anyways. You have a lot of time to find a decent man.

[Suave]

All of me or none of me.

[Runway1975]

*sighs* I know it just hurts..... earlier today we were talking and the convo was quite fun and funny. Then I got on Instagram, to post a pix and on my news feed I saw a pic of him and his GF and he captioned it saying "She's amazing (:" ....pathetic as this sounds but after seeing that I began crying like out of nowhere </3 ... I just feel so betrayed and at this point idk what or how to feel. Im moving forward with life but it just hurts still like...how can you break up with me (on our anniversary ) and then a week later you get with someone else. What makes the situation even worst is that he wanted to date her longggg before we started talking. However she told him that she doesn't like him that way but still kept flirting with him which confused him. Then when she found out that we were dating she got mad and insanely jealous... I accept that he has someone new and that he's happy and I wanna be there for him but before that can happen I just need to feel better and find what makes me happy. But still I just feel so gutted inside...this guy has been my Bestfriend for almost 3yrs and all I could ask myself was how could he do me that way..

[Runway1975]

I'm sorry I didn't mean to repost my last reply /:

[Leigh 87]

So Leigh, are we following our own advice now?

 

OP, it's torture to be around someone and know that they are so close and yet so far away at the same time. I look at it lie this - I could be sad and not talking to the ex, or I could be sad and still talking to the ex. The former at least allows me an end point to being sad, whereas with the latter, the hurt and pain could last indefinitely.

 

Something to think about.

 

I am moving soon. We are spending a lot of time together until the week before I go.

 

Leave us alone lol we are really really really happy spending time together for this last week or two. He does not know if he even wants to leave me.

 

I plan to go into NC a week before I leave overseas.

 

I am over the worst part, we are just drawing it out.

 

I GIVE No Contact advice to people, because I too, plan to implement it.

 

I am not in the situation where my ex is seeing or is even remotely READY to see other women. If he was, obviously I would not want to talk to him.

 

I am not a hypocrite; I talk to my ex, and I admit it is a band aid, and I will miss him like crazy with NC begins.

 

I readily admit we are both delaying the inevitable.

 

The thing is, my ex texts me all day long telling me how much he misses me, loves me, and wants to be with me again soon, and how much he cannot even think about other women.

 

Sure I want to go No Contact soon, but I would not be sticking around with an ex who was dangling new women in front of me.

 

...................

 

The op is being hurt by hanging around her ex. Where as I am not hurting. I am enjoying myself immensely being around him, even if it IS only temporary and it is delaying the inevitable No Contact.

 

I gave good advice; she cannot handle being around him. So she shouldn't be around a dude who has lost feelings for her, and gotten stronger feelings for a new girl.

 

I am delaying the No Contact period with a dude who actually says he still loves me and cannot think of other women (without me asking him this).

 

He is not the love of my life or anything since he left in the end, but please stop putting me in the same position as the OP and others on here, who's exes ARE actually over them and have moved on.

 

I am delaying the No Contact. I know it is coming soon, well before he moves on to other women.

 

It will hurt and I know I will not avoid the agony and pain of No Contact do do not think for a second that I believe I am an exception that will get away scott free.

 

For now though, I am not, however, a women who is currently hurting buy being around an ex who no longer has feelings for her.

 

The end. I try to help people. I never proclaim that I am in No Contact, and in fact, I actually state to people that I am not following it at this current point.

 

I do advocate it though and I will follow it too.

[Leigh 87]

OP - if I was in your position, I would not talk to me ex ever again. I do not want to be his friend if he has other romantic interests in his life.

 

I do not want to be his friend anytime soon.

 

I am delaying No Contact myself cos I am moving away soon, and we are both being naughty and we still love each others company for now but we both know I am moving and that will be it.

 

Please do not concern yourself with my situation and use it as a reason to remain in contact with your ex!

 

I am doing the WRONG thing; my ex and I are being WEAK; we love being around each other so much even though we know the relationship did not work.

 

We are doing the WRONG thing, okay? Please do not get any ideas from my story.

 

We both love each other still and do not have space in our hearts to date others.

 

BUT WE WILL soon and we will only hurt each other very badly if we remain in contact once we move on and date others.

 

It would be awful to be in contact once he sees other people,

 

This is why I am suggestion No Contact. I am not claiming to follow it myself at this stage.

 

I hope I can move towns and never talk to him again, to avoid being in your position though.

 

There would be nothing worse than allowing my ex to keep me around once I leave, only to start seeing other women. I WOULD HATE to be in contact with him in that case.

 

I never want to just be his friend, and neither should you want to just be your exes friend.

[Runway1975]

You know what? I'm starting to get the picture.. the more, I hang around him, I wouldn't be able to heal completely nor would I feel any better. But what I don't understand is how come he still wants me in the picture, as his Bestfriend? That's what's haunting me...and I'm 19 btw lol but still...why would he still want me around if he has someone else?

[BC1980]

He wants you around because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Now, he has a best friend and a girlfriend. He can have all of the good parts of your relationship, and he can also date another girl as well. Well, isn't that nice for him. . . .

 

Meanwhile, you are unable to heal and are torturing yourself by being around him. He clearly does not want you around to date you. That is very clear. You are the only one who refuses to see it.

 

I get that it's really hard. We have all been there, but you really need some tough love. Lose this guy. You cannot be his friend anytime soon, and that is just the way it is.

[BC1980]

*sighs* I know it just hurts..... earlier today we were talking and the convo was quite fun and funny. Then I got on Instagram, to post a pix and on my news feed I saw a pic of him and his GF and he captioned it saying "She's amazing (:" ....pathetic as this sounds but after seeing that I began crying like out of nowhere </3 ...

 

This instance is the perfect example of why you need to cut him out of your life. I told my ex the same thing. Why do I need to torture myself and watch his life march on without me? It hit me one night while talking to him on the phone. He was mentioning how "WE," meaning him, his child, sister, and her husband rented a house for vacation. It hurt like h*ll to realize I was no longer included in "WE." Do yourself a favor, and stop torturing yourself.

[Runway1975]

Yeah when I woke up this morning I quickly made up my mind about him. I deleted him off my Facebook, my instagram, twitter, etc. Plus he txt me this morning and I didn't respond, but after taking action I feel a little better now. (: