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Doing what is right, or is it?


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youngnlove89

I've been sleeping a lot lately. Dragging my feet throughout the day. The neat freak I am has completely become an utter mess. Clothes everywhere, bathroom dirty, kitchen dishes in the sink, even my car is a mess, I am a mess...What has happened to me?

 

My ex ignored me for close to 2 months in December and January, it wasn't till when he saw me truly hurting that he came to the rescue to be there for me when I was sexually assaulted. He saw me hurting and put aside the petty crap to be a man, to do what is right.

 

The e-mail I received a couple days ago from him has stuck to my mind like glue. I have read it 47 times. I see him hurting and what do I do? Ignore him. Albeit all the things he hasn't done right in our relationship, he is someone I consider close to family. He is a best friend. And he really truly has issues that he needs to work with (commitment wise), but is it okay to shun him out, ruthlessly?

 

I think of what I would say to him, how I would reply and I don't even know where I would start, what words I would choose. Then I think sometimes there's nothing to say. Sometimes silence expresses more than words. Picking up the phone, dialing a number, it can do more damage than good. But humans are afflicted with this obsessive desire to talk things to death. So we make things worse by trying to make things better.

 

So in the end, I sit here with my clothes everywhere, tissues on the floor, wine glasses on the nightstand and my heart outside of my chest...asking myself "Am I doing the right thing?"

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youngnlove89

I cleaned my room a little and put some things away, feel better. I still think of him every minute, I still dream of him every night, I still love him...

 

But I'm focusing on moving on, staying strong, just had a moment...

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Come’on now stop beating yourself up over your choice to focus on yourself and putting a halt to his continual “poking” of you.

 

Tough it out, you can do it. We’re all here for you and whether he hurts or not cannot be your concern. Let’s be concerned for you!!

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mtnbiker3000
I cleaned my room a little and put some things away, feel better. I still think of him every minute, I still dream of him every night, I still love him...

 

But I'm focusing on moving on, staying strong, just had a moment...

 

Nice work!!! I'm having more like a 'day or two' :confused:

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ViciousCycle

I know everyone on here (rightfully) praises NC..but perhaps this is a situation where it could be good to talk? Without knowing the particulars of his situation it is hard to say. It sucks that you're still so in love with him despite having a good amount of time to yourself. You must have had a rather strong bond. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now.

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You should become familiar with the OP situation before you post advice; if you do you will understand why we take special care of each other.

 

I know everyone on here (rightfully) praises NC..but perhaps this is a situation where it could be good to talk? Without knowing the particulars of his situation it is hard to say. It sucks that you're still so in love with him despite having a good amount of time to yourself. You must have had a rather strong bond. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now.
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youngnlove89

It's okay. They didn't know my story. I'm open to all replies, and always think carefully before acting. :)

 

This morning, I'm doing good. Had a dream about him again last night. UGH, I hate that. But I'm happy. Going to see my mom this weekend and we are going four wheeling on Saturday, I'm excited for that!

 

I'm pushing through...

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youngnlove89
How many more years are you going to spend as this man's puppet?

 

Well obviously, I'm working on NOT spending any more. But I do have heartbreak that I need to recover from.

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Simon Phoenix
Well obviously, I'm working on NOT spending any more. But I do have heartbreak that I need to recover from.

 

Then don't allow yourself to repeat past mistakes. You know the score of the game at this point -- it's not going to change. It concerns me that you are writing long OPs on a letter that you know was a lot of bluster with very little substance. This is the type of stuff that continously trips you up, and those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Let's not keep repeating please.

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youngnlove89
Then don't allow yourself to repeat past mistakes. You know the score of the game at this point -- it's not going to change. It concerns me that you are writing long OPs on a letter that you know was a lot of bluster with very little substance. This is the type of stuff that continously trips you up, and those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Let's not keep repeating please.

 

OPs?

 

The thing is, I'm not contacting him. So why can't I write about it and say how I feel? In the end, venting really helps me out. And when I vent, I speak the truth, because I need to get it out.

 

I need to prove to myself that I have learned from my mistakes. That takes time. NC is helping me. Staying busy is helping me. Venting is too.

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Simon Phoenix
OPs?

 

The thing is, I'm not contacting him. So why can't I write about it and say how I feel? In the end, venting really helps me out. And when I vent, I speak the truth, because I need to get it out.

 

I need to prove to myself that I have learned from my mistakes. That takes time. NC is helping me. Staying busy is helping me. Venting is too.

 

OPs = original posts. And while I get the venting thing (even though I'm not a venter per se) it just seems in the past that the venting, especially about something that seemed to be resolved already, has been the first step into you backsliding. I mean, the meaning of his letter hasn't changed since he wrote it -- you are just doing mental gymnastics to try to get that letter to mean what you want it to mean. And once you do that, it's easier to relapse when the opportunity presents itself. That's what I see happening because that's what's happened before and until it doesn't happen, I and others will keep pointing it out.

 

I'm more than happy to play bad cop. It's what I do.

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OPs?

 

The thing is, I'm not contacting him. So why can't I write about it and say how I feel? In the end, venting really helps me out. And when I vent, I speak the truth, because I need to get it out.

 

I need to prove to myself that I have learned from my mistakes. That takes time. NC is helping me. Staying busy is helping me. Venting is too.

.

Do anything and everything you want. EXCEPT BREAK NC. There are NO circumstaces that you can afford to do this so just forget about it. Cav

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youngnlove89
OPs = original posts. And while I get the venting thing (even though I'm not a venter per se) it just seems in the past that the venting, especially about something that seemed to be resolved already, has been the first step into you backsliding. I mean, the meaning of his letter hasn't changed since he wrote it -- you are just doing mental gymnastics to try to get that letter to mean what you want it to mean. And once you do that, it's easier to relapse when the opportunity presents itself. That's what I see happening because that's what's happened before and until it doesn't happen, I and others will keep pointing it out.

 

I'm more than happy to play bad cop. It's what I do.

 

 

You're right. I am always doing mental gymnastics. I loved someone, what do you expect? I'm gonna have my off days. I'm shootin to have more "on" days. My goal is to move on and be happy again. At least that's a start, versus being in denial and trying to make things work with us.

 

As far as being a bad cop, go for it, I need someone to get there baton out and whack me with it. Avoiding the buttock area if possible, that can get a little kinky ;)

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You're right. I am always doing mental gymnastics. I loved someone, what do you expect? I'm gonna have my off days. I'm shootin to have more "on" days. My goal is to move on and be happy again. At least that's a start, versus being in denial and trying to make things work with us.

 

As far as being a bad cop, go for it, I need someone to get there baton out and whack me with it. Avoiding the buttock area if possible, that can get a little kinky ;)

 

Count me in! Cav

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Simon Phoenix
You're right. I am always doing mental gymnastics. I loved someone, what do you expect? I'm gonna have my off days. I'm shootin to have more "on" days. My goal is to move on and be happy again. At least that's a start, versus being in denial and trying to make things work with us.

 

As far as being a bad cop, go for it, I need someone to get there baton out and whack me with it. Avoiding the buttock area if possible, that can get a little kinky ;)

 

It's a start, but you can't be satisfied just with that or feel that's "good enough for now." It's a start, nothing more nothing less. Sometimes you can't afford to spend time wondering about the "what ifs" and you just have to say "That's it. This is what it is. The end!" Sometimes you have to reduce it down to black and white and stop wallowing in the gray.

 

There's a quote from the movie "The Rock" that states: "Losers always whine about 'their best'. winners go home and f--k the prom queen." Obviously it'd be the king in your case and I'm not calling you a loser, but the point is that "I'm trying" isn't good enough. Winners win and you have that capability, but you have to do it.

 

You know the score of the game at this point. You know where your mental gymnastics have taken you in the past. So be careful in going down that road. Or I'll be there with the night stick and now I know exactly where to strike :p

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You're right. I am always doing mental gymnastics. I loved someone, what do you expect? I'm gonna have my off days. I'm shootin to have more "on" days. My goal is to move on and be happy again. At least that's a start, versus being in denial and trying to make things work with us.

 

As far as being a bad cop, go for it, I need someone to get there baton out and whack me with it. Avoiding the buttock area if possible, that can get a little kinky ;)

 

 

LMAO!!! Well, at least you still have a sense of humor!

 

Look, things are tough and you're right, you loved the guy. That only proves to me that you're human and capable of loving someone. And if your capable of loving someone; you're equally capable of hurting.

 

He sent you a letter that had you thinking and over analyzing a lot if you've read it 47 times. So, okay...maybe the guy isn't a complete asshat and he gave you support when you really needed it the most. Fine.

 

But, it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to get back with you. So, NC is an awesome (and also a painful) tool to help you get over someone. When we preach NC, we don't mean that you can NEVER talk to this person again. We stay NC until ALL romantic feelings that we have for our Ex's is gone and when we think of them, the only thing we think is indifference for them. But, not a moment sooner! NC is for you and your healing. It's not to punish our Ex's even if they think it is.

 

But, you're doing the right things. You're going to see your mom and go 4 wheeling. You seem very excited about it. Which is awesome! So, you need to continue to set up these little adventures that give you something to look forward to. It helps keeping your mind off of him and what he's doing.

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venusianx13

When you are hurting/recovering from a painful event or loss, it is good to keep in mind those little pockets of peace you can find each day; they can keep you going. When I'm hurting over something, even a friendly exchange or smile from a stranger can brighten my day enough to push me through. The plans you are looking forward to are fantastic.

 

Your intention in not contacting your ex in his time of "need" is not wrong. You are not doing it to be cruel or heartless, you are doing it to protect yourself. You are being kind to yourself. You are deserving of your own love and affection, and I think you realize that now. :)

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youngnlove89

Simon, you're no fun. ;) BUTT, you do give great advice.

 

Chi, thank you for the advice. The one thing I've been doing differently is that I've been going out more and doing things vs staying at home and moping. It has helped tremendously.

 

No contact sucks. There, I said it. I hate it. But, dang, I can't wait till I get over this hill. I'm exhausted.

 

I do feel like I've made some kind of progress. I like to flirt, and I find other men attractive, where as before I became a moody walking zombie who didn't even look at another guy.

 

But, I do hate myself for all this. I hate that it has taken me this long and I still haven't made noticeable improvement. I hate that I still have love for him. I hate that I have to be hurt while he is okay. I hate that I've been a coward and a fool. I hate that the only reason I am still sad is because of me. I've caused all my own pain.

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youngnlove89
When you are hurting/recovering from a painful event or loss, it is good to keep in mind those little pockets of peace you can find each day; they can keep you going. When I'm hurting over something, even a friendly exchange or smile from a stranger can brighten my day enough to push me through. The plans you are looking forward to are fantastic.

 

Your intention in not contacting your ex in his time of "need" is not wrong. You are not doing it to be cruel or heartless, you are doing it to protect yourself. You are being kind to yourself. You are deserving of your own love and affection, and I think you realize that now. :)

 

I think what made it so hard, is I'm a giving, caring person. I really hate to see people hurt, especially when I love them. So ignoring him has been the hardest thing for me.

 

But in the end, I need to make this about me now. Not him. I can't do anything to help him anyways, he has his issues he needs to sort out on his own.

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youngnlove89

Well if you change your mind Chi, just remember....liquor in the front, poker in the rear! :)

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Well if you change your mind Chi, just remember....liquor in the front, poker in the rear! :)

 

Wow! Younglove is my kind of gal. I think im in love. Lol :love::laugh::love::D:bunny::bunny::lmao: Cav

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