Hope737 Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 Hey guys, I've been NC now for only 13 days which is massive for me, as cutting out the girl I've known and loved for 9 years is definitely not easy. As I'm sure a lot of you know. She didn't take it very well when I said I can no longer remain friends with her. I've been JUST friends with her in the past and to see her being with other men kills. I can't put myself through it again, watching her settling down, marrying and even having children, I just can't watch that happen. I know it's selfish of me to tell her I can't be friends but I'm not prepared to upset myself by watching her move on. We've been through school together and by pure coincidence happen to work for the same company in our adult life and I know that tomorrow we are going to bump into her. Of course I'm going to keep it civilised, I'll say hi etc and I'm preparing for the worst i.e. her not saying anything in return. Basically I was wondering how do you cope when it's impossible to go NC? I guess low contact is the next best thing but I'm seriously dreading seeing her tomorrow incase it takes me back to square one. I guess I've just got to stay strong! Anyone else here shared a workplace with an ex? Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 It's not selfish at all. You listed all of the reasons why you need to do it, and all of those reasons are completely valid. Is it selfish of her to move on with her life, date other men, get married, have children? Of course not. So it's not selfish of you at all to cut her out of your life because it's what's best for you. I don't know your situation of who dumped who but I am assuming she ended the relationship? So, she has made her choice and now you have to make yours. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope737 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 Thanks iouaname. I was the one to end the relationship as I found out she was doing things behind my back with her ex. It's a tough situation alright. Seeing her at work just makes it a little harder! Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 It's not selfish at all. You listed all of the reasons why you need to do it, and all of those reasons are completely valid. Is it selfish of her to move on with her life, date other men, get married, have children? Of course not. So it's not selfish of you at all to cut her out of your life because it's what's best for you. I don't know your situation of who dumped who but I am assuming she ended the relationship? So, she has made her choice and now you have to make yours. Totally agree with this. OP, you are simply taking care of yourself and trying to heal and move on with your life. There is a difference between being selfish (I put my needs over all others') and practicing self-care/self-preservation (I will take care of my own needs). Are you, perhaps, internalizing your ex's perspective here? Does she think it is "selfish" for you to not be friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 Hey guys, I've been NC now for only 13 days which is massive for me, as cutting out the girl I've known and loved for 9 years is definitely not easy. As I'm sure a lot of you know. She didn't take it very well when I said I can no longer remain friends with her. I've been JUST friends with her in the past and to see her being with other men kills. I can't put myself through it again, watching her settling down, marrying and even having children, I just can't watch that happen. I know it's selfish of me to tell her I can't be friends but I'm not prepared to upset myself by watching her move on. We've been through school together and by pure coincidence happen to work for the same company in our adult life and I know that tomorrow we are going to bump into her. Of course I'm going to keep it civilised, I'll say hi etc and I'm preparing for the worst i.e. her not saying anything in return. Basically I was wondering how do you cope when it's impossible to go NC? I guess low contact is the next best thing but I'm seriously dreading seeing her tomorrow incase it takes me back to square one. I guess I've just got to stay strong! Anyone else here shared a workplace with an ex? P.S. It's the bolded sentence above that made me wonder if you are internalizing her perspective. I may well be wrong, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope737 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 Minneloa, thanks for the words and completely agree. I know it's for the best, im just struggling to come to terms with it. Yeah when I said I can't be just friends with her, I gave her my true and honest feelings of why. She replied with this: "Well that's just stupid, you've ruined everything now"! So I guess, yeah this makes me feel rotten inside. These were pretty much her last words to me. Seeing her tomorrow at work will not be easy! Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 Minneloa, thanks for the words and completely agree. I know it's for the best, im just struggling to come to terms with it. Yeah when I said I can't be just friends with her, I gave her my true and honest feelings of why. She replied with this: "Well that's just stupid, you've ruined everything now"! So I guess, yeah this makes me feel rotten inside. These were pretty much her last words to me. Seeing her tomorrow at work will not be easy! Oh, wow. I am so angry on your behalf right now. SHE is selfish, NOT you. SHE is the one who ruined things by cheating on you. I know you have asked specifically for advice on seeing her at work tomorrow, but I think your feeling rotten when she is the one who broke your trust might be a significant obstacle to your healing process. Shouldn't she be the one feeling rotten? My advice would be to get in touch with your anger. How dare she say you ruined things when she is the one whose choices destroyed your relationship? Please let me know if I have overstepped here or misinterpreted the situation. I am honestly appalled that she would say that, and sometimes I get a bit overzealous. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iouaname Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 I was the one to end the relationship as I found out she was doing things behind my back with her ex. Well good for you for not putting up with it, but I still view that as the equivalent of her ending the relationship, even if she wasn't the one doing the breaking up. I still think it's more than justifiable of you to not want to stay friends (and based on what you said you'd feel, I agree that it's not a good idea). If you work together, I think keeping it neutral and only interacting with her when it comes to work-related things is best? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope737 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 Naaah you've not overstepped the mark Minneloa. I know she was the one in the wrong by cheating. There is one emotion I struggle with and that is anger. I just struggle to show it. It's as if I lack the confidence to show anger, how daft is that!? I'm just generally an easy going guy. Although I might be bordering on being a pushover. Anyway that's a different topic and I am working on it. As you suggest, I reckon venting some anger (not towards my ex as that would achieve nothing) but just getting in touch with that emotion might help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope737 Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 Well good for you for not putting up with it, but I still view that as the equivalent of her ending the relationship, even if she wasn't the one doing the breaking up. I still think it's more than justifiable of you to not want to stay friends (and based on what you said you'd feel, I agree that it's not a good idea). If you work together, I think keeping it neutral and only interacting with her when it comes to work-related things is best? Spot on iouaname. I feel like things ended way too early. It's as if she was forcing me into breaking up with her. And yeah, keeping things civil and neutral at work is the way forward. I can't see her co-operating though but I might be surprised! Link to post Share on other sites
Minneloa Posted April 24, 2013 Share Posted April 24, 2013 In terms of your original query, Hope, I've been looking for a relatively recent (last few months) thread from a poster who had to deal with his ex because of their children. It outlined a great strategy for LC (limited contact), which might be helpful in your situation. But now I can't find it. Anyone else know the thread I'm talking about? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope737 Posted April 27, 2013 Author Share Posted April 27, 2013 Saw her at work today. I guess it was as civilised as it could be. Just an exchange of smiles from across the room. It really is a shame how 9 years of fantastic friendship and relationship all comes to an end with a quick glance from across a room. Truly sad. Oh well onwards and upwards, trying to stay strong! It's a tough old road but it's got to be followed. Thanks to all you guys for the advice and words on here for the past few months. Helps a lot! Link to post Share on other sites
itto ogami Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Anger is justified to remind you of how she treated you, but you're the STRONGER person to not carry anger. That actually gives the other person more energy than they deserve. She is selfish. You are not. Walk On. Link to post Share on other sites
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