High school sweetheart sadness

[whymewhy83]

Hi everyone, please bear with me as my post is very long. This is the first time I have EVER posted anything online... I have been visiting enotalone for about 2 years now, always reading about other people's heartbreak to try and help my own, but to no avail. Please nobody make insulting or degrading remarks about me. I'm suffering enough.

 

Here is my story... My high school sweetheart (we are both 29) and I reconciled after 10 years apart. We have both been married to other people for brief periods, and neither of us have children. He didn't know what he wanted for a very long time, but eventually he decided that leaving his wife to be with me was the right thing for him. Things were amazing from the point when he realised it was me he wanted to be with, after all, we had 10 years to catch up on.

However, six months into our relationship, I discovered he was cheating on me with his ex wife. I ended our relationship and 2 weeks later he was begging me to forgive him and to marry him. I accepted his proposal about a month later, and the very next day, he withdrew it. T

hen months later, he bought me a beautiful engagement ring and left it on my driveway in the middle of the night in the pouring rain after a fight, just to prove some crazy point. I have never worn the ring - it was never given to me properly, and he has since sold it. T

 

his was more than 2 years ago. It has been very up and down, on and off for a long time but he'd always beg me to take him back even though he was the one breaking up with me all the time. About a year ago, he changed. He has become cold, cruel, abusive, punishing, demanding and spiteful. He is constantly threatening to leave me and is causing me so much emotional distress that I become hysterical. I beg him to give me emotional security and to just love me the way he used to.

 

He insists that his feelings for me haven't changed, but he's become to cruel and detached. I moved in with him a year ago and lived there for 2 months. In those 2 months, he threw me out 6 times because he promised to put my name on the lease so that it would be "our" home, but he never did and I was really hurt by this so we'd fight constantly. He'd throw me out and then beg me to come back.

He refuses to do anything with me to this day. Won't live with me anymore, refuses to marry me after begging me to, he has never introduced me to one single friend of his in the 3 years we've been together, he refuses to plan a future with me, and he demands that I get counseling because I'm "out of control," "need medicating," and "psychotic."

 

I was at his place recently and he just kept giving me reasons why we shouldn't be together but then insists he'll never leave me. He has now cut me off completely by switching his phone off and refusing to take my calls. I know I'm not perfect and I'm ashamed of how hysterical I get but in hurting so badly he's really broken my spirit and all of my hopes and dreams.

He won't take responsibility for anything. He says he went and saw a psychiatrist last week but refuses to talk about it and says he hasn't made another appointment. He demands that I get counseling and that I need to change in order for this to work. He is constantly dumping me or threatening to leave me, he tells me he can let me go and move on without me.

He calls me horrible names and yells at me. He doesn't trust me but I've never ever done anything not to deserve his trust. When we broke up many years ago while we were still at school, it was me who broke up with him and he blames and punishes me for that to this day.

 

He withholds his love because he says I don't deserve it because of what I did. He says that the little boy who loved me is dead now and that I killed him. I feel like he regrets leaving his wife and whenever I say this, he gets so angry and cuts me off, but he's never done anything to show me that he's happy he chose me. His answer to this is "I'm still here even though this is the most dysfunctional relationship in the world." Like that is supposed to comfort me. He has refused to go on a single trip with me, claiming that he's saving money for "our" future. But then he goes out and buys a brand new car and goes overseas on his own for a week, knowing how much I've wanted to go away with him.

He just does everything to hurt me and to push me away, and then he blames me for the fact that I'm miserable. I know I hurt him many years ago but I've more than made up for it. I have stayed true to him despite all of the pain he has caused me. I feel like he wants to leave me but he's too scared so he's pushing me to leave, but when I say this to him he denies it and calls me a coward and says that I'm the one who wants out and that I'm not being honest with myself.

 

Every time he leaves me, he reactivates his Facebook account and posts things on there specifically to taunt me and hurt me, yet when we're together, he deactivated his account. I feel like he's ashamed of me. He always speaks so highly of his ex but claims he doesn't love her or want to be with her. He says that in the 3 years of our "dysfunctional relationship," he could have left me and gone back to her, but he didn't want to. But sometimes in a fit of rage, he tells me he still loves her and will get her back if he can.

He says he wants to marry me and have a family with me but he wants the relationship to work first, basically blaming me for the way it is. He refuses to take accountability and responsibility for the fact that he has caused this with his constant abuse, threats, and past deceit.

 

He demands i respect him but he doesn't respect me. He demands i listen to him when he speaks and not interrupt him, yet he does exactly that to me when I'm talking, or he just hangs up on me and switches his phone off. He has a demanding job where he needs to be tough and in control, but he's brought this to our relationship as well and he's become so unbearably hurtful. I don't want to leave him despite all of this because I do love him, which makes me feel like a desperate fool considering he's more than prepared to leave me. I'm just hurting so much. I thought we were reunited a decade later because we're meant to be together and have a family of our own, but he's just so full of hate towards me now. He actually said today that the reason he's become so disconnected is because he has "grown up."

 

This is a man who used to threaten suicide every time we fought. Now he just tells me how replaceable and undeserving I am of his love and his future. We were supposed to go on vacation together yesterday for Christmas, but he left without me the day before and then threatened to leave me "for good" if I didn't get in my car and meet him there.

The last 2 days I've ignored his calls and hundreds of abusive texts, all alluding to me sleeping with another man (not true) and being a ****. He even went as far as telling me he's replacing me as we speak. It was an hour and a half of abusive texts in non-stop sequence, and then they started again at 4am including prank phone calls to my home phone, waking my family. He does this every single time. He is accusing me of the most horrible things, but he's the one who broke my heart for ruining our plans and going away without me. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

He tells me outright that my tears don't effect him anymore and that he doesn't care. Then he says that he's sorry for hurting me and then he turns around and threatens to leave me again. He sent me flowers last week and has now told me via text to throw them in the gutter where they belong. I wish I could somehow make him understand that I am not to blame for the fact that this relationship never moves forward. He believes that this is my fault, all because I cry when he threatens to leave me and I beg him to give me emotional security and plan a future with me.

He says I'm obsessed with marriage and that I only want to get married to have something to post on Facebook and so that my family won't be ashamed of me. How horrible is that? I want to marry him because I love him, and I feel like such a failure because he married his ex yet he says he's loved me all his life and that I'm his soulmate, although in the last year its taken a lot to get him to say I'm his soulmate. He's just changed so much. He used to be so desperately in love with me and he'd always tell me that he can't live without me and the he'll spend the rest of his life with me, and now he calls me psychotic and unstable and says that there's no way he'll marry me this way and that he's likely to leave me... I'm so lost.

 

I just want him to want me the way I want him... The way he used to want me... I don't know why he hates me so much now and how he can go from being so emotionally open and vulnerable to being so cold and callous. I don't know what else to say... I don't know what to do. I want to spend the rest of my life with him despite how horrible he has become.

I just pray for some sort of epiphany so he realises how important I am to him and how much he wants to be with me, like the epiphanies he used to have when he'd beg me to forgive him and promise to spend the rest of his life with me. He grew up in a home where his father emotionally abused his mother (according to him). He comes from a large family where the majority of his uncles / aunts are divorced. He had serious anger issues as a very little boy and turned to drugs in his late teens after we had broken up, which continued for a couple of years, but he's been clean for about 10 years now.

 

He used to be on anti-depressants, but now he believes he's doing nothing wrong. I'm so exhausted from his abuse - I have a hernia and a permanently damaged tonsil from all the crying over the years.

 

How can I possibly still be in love with someone who treats me so horribly? What is wrong with me??? He becomes more and more emotionally abusive and destabilizes me so much, but I just can't let go and I always pray he'll come back. If he doesn't love me, why doesn't he let me go and move on?

Edited April 23, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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