Flashes of Pain.

[Seachelle1]

I am sure everyone feels betrayal after a relationship. I think it's part of the healing and going through the pain and into the future. Today I'm staying home because I'm a bit sick. I've had too much time to think.

 

I get these urges to look at my ex's various internet profiles and it is hard not to. I have to keep from it, though. I know that will only lead to pain. That part of my life has to be kept away from my future because these people will only cause pain. I know this.

 

If they are doing poorly, I will feel bad. If they are doing well, I will feel bad. It's a lose-lose endeavor and I can only move forward and away from the people that hurt me.

 

I know they really don't care about me.

 

I get the urge to reach out to them to try to make everything better. First, I recall that they don't care about me and their self-reflection is non-existent here. They see me as the bad guy, they don't see their part in it. I cannot change their mind and "help" them become better. There can be nothing good coming from my trying to show them how they've hurt me because they just don't care. I accept them as they are and let them go. It is none of my business what they think of me and how they treated me. My only business is to move through the pain and into the future. That's how I got over other betrayals in my life and it's how I'll get through this one.

 

A few things I've been doing to work through this time of betrayal:

I have been working on a novel.

I have been coming here.

I've been watching science fiction and reading it.

I've been working on my business.

I've been going out with people and making new friends.

I've been going to therapy.

 

Another thing:

I had a guy friend over here on Saturday night. We almost had sex. I didn't even really want to. It was fun as far as it went but my boundaries weren't there. In the end he was the person that stopped it. I wasn't ready for it and I found I couldn't stop it. I said it but he kept going. I have to not be around guys, I think. There's another guy, a married guy, who's been hitting on me and I worry about where my boundaries are with him, too. I invited him to a write-in and he tried to kiss me. I turned my face so he couldn't and he didn't push it maybe because he's nice maybe because it was in public. I'm naive and vulnerable in many ways (I'm a high-functioning autistic with a bad history). Having a boyfriend before was like having a shield from all the other men who might try and have sex with me. I worry about being single and being safe both physically and emotionally. I look back at my time with my ex and am confused about what I even wanted with him in the first place. I tried to break up with him a few times and he didn't take me seriously and I didn't push it. I don't even know what I want. Dad was always someone I could go to before. Now he's gone. I feel very alone and vulnerable.

 

I had gained a lot of weight with my ex-husband before as a shield from dealing with sexual attraction. Before that I was agoraphobic, barely going out of the house. Now that I've lost the weight and am going out of the house I find a lot of men are hitting on me. I don't know how to deal with it. (While I was yelling at my ex a man came up and started hitting on me and my ex commented on my butt which was weird. I caught him looking at my chest. Very confusing and embarrassing.) It's flattering, of course, but I'm so stupid about these things. I'm scared and confused. I'll talk about it with my therapist on Wednesday.

 

I told my therapist I felt I was sleepwalking through my life. Except for these flashes of betrayal and pain I feel completely numb.