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9 Year relationship down the drain..


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Lost_Soul_86

My boyfriend of 9 years broke up with me about 6 weeks ago now, I know our relationship wasn’t perfect as I don’t believe anybody’s is. He was always faithful to me and I too him, it started over an argument about him going out with his mates and coming home at 5am…he didn’t always do this but when he did it really made me angry. He thinks I don’t trust him and ever since that argument he said a “switch” has been flicked and he doesn’t know if he will ever get that back- he can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust him. He said that we are both unhappy and we just don’t work together, the spark has gone and were more like friends.

 

We live in a rental property together and are in the process of building a house together. I have since moved out of the rental house and have signed the lease over to him. He is now asking me what I want to do with the unbuilt house (he doesn’t want to continue building it, and he wants to just give me my money back that I put into it or buy me out, which will be a lot less than what it would be worth if we were to finish the house and sell it) He said that this is hard enough without being tied together. He wants to sell all the furniture and split it and move out of the rental house as it doesn’t feel right him being there anymore. Im 27 years old and he is 31, it’s like he has gone through an early mid-life crisis, I still don’t even know why he broke up with me really- it was so sudden.

 

I really don’t know what to do in this situation this is a man that I was supposed to marry and have kids with and now it’s all gone, our dream home- everything!I just can’t believe that after 9 years together he doesn’t even want to try and work it out. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and I don’t know how I am going to move on from this, his mind is made up and there’s literally nothing I can do to change it. I rarely message him and when he messages me (usually at the end of the week) it is to ask me things about the house, nothing else. There’s no I miss you’s or just even a simple how are you.

 

I just don’t understand how you can love someone one week and then the next it’s over. He said he doesn't know what he wants out of life anymore, he thinks he is supposed to be on his own and he wants me to have every happiness out of life, he just knows for sure now that it’s not with him, the last part of that message was that he will always love me. I miss him and love him so much. I keep thinking of all the times I was a complete bitch to him for no reason, I was selfish in this relationship and I realize this now. He only ever tried to make me happy with everything he did and a lot of the things he did in life he did for me and our future I just didn't see that at the time and now I've ruined it all.

 

I guess it’s true when they say you don’t know what you've got until it’s gone!

 

Has anyone else ever been through anything like this as im feeling pretty alone right now, all my friends are in relationships or engaged and the easiest thing for them to say is “it gets easier” this doesn't help me, every day gets harder and emptier, I've lost everything! I just wish I could convince him to give us another chance….or wave a magic wand to make everything better again :(

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

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SalientPoint
My boyfriend of 9 years broke up with me about 6 weeks ago now, I know our relationship wasn’t perfect as I don’t believe anybody’s is. He was always faithful to me and I too him, it started over an argument about him going out with his mates and coming home at 5am…he didn’t always do this but when he did it really made me angry. He thinks I don’t trust him and ever since that argument he said a “switch” has been flicked and he doesn’t know if he will ever get that back- he can’t be with someone who doesn’t trust him. He said that we are both unhappy and we just don’t work together, the spark has gone and were more like friends.

 

We live in a rental property together and are in the process of building a house together. I have since moved out of the rental house and have signed the lease over to him. He is now asking me what I want to do with the unbuilt house (he doesn’t want to continue building it, and he wants to just give me my money back that I put into it or buy me out, which will be a lot less than what it would be worth if we were to finish the house and sell it) He said that this is hard enough without being tied together. He wants to sell all the furniture and split it and move out of the rental house as it doesn’t feel right him being there anymore. Im 27 years old and he is 31, it’s like he has gone through an early mid-life crisis, I still don’t even know why he broke up with me really- it was so sudden.

 

I really don’t know what to do in this situation this is a man that I was supposed to marry and have kids with and now it’s all gone, our dream home- everything!I just can’t believe that after 9 years together he doesn’t even want to try and work it out. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and I don’t know how I am going to move on from this, his mind is made up and there’s literally nothing I can do to change it. I rarely message him and when he messages me (usually at the end of the week) it is to ask me things about the house, nothing else. There’s no I miss you’s or just even a simple how are you.

 

I just don’t understand how you can love someone one week and then the next it’s over. He said he doesn't know what he wants out of life anymore, he thinks he is supposed to be on his own and he wants me to have every happiness out of life, he just knows for sure now that it’s not with him, the last part of that message was that he will always love me. I miss him and love him so much. I keep thinking of all the times I was a complete bitch to him for no reason, I was selfish in this relationship and I realize this now. He only ever tried to make me happy with everything he did and a lot of the things he did in life he did for me and our future I just didn't see that at the time and now I've ruined it all.

 

I guess it’s true when they say you don’t know what you've got until it’s gone!

 

Has anyone else ever been through anything like this as im feeling pretty alone right now, all my friends are in relationships or engaged and the easiest thing for them to say is “it gets easier” this doesn't help me, every day gets harder and emptier, I've lost everything! I just wish I could convince him to give us another chance….or wave a magic wand to make everything better again :(

 

Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Wow, that is so difficult. I'm very very sorry for your loss. 9 years is a long time! When you said it's like your ex had an early mid life crisis, it really struck a chord with me, because I'm around your age and my ex is 34 and I felt the exact same way. Right as we were about to move in together, she freaked, then it all went down hill and she also randomly said that somehow instantly she didn't love me anymore after a year. So I think there may be some merit to your statement. They say the 30's are the new 20's now or whatever, so maybe people have another crisis in between quarter and mid. I really think that if you did everything you could on your end, or if he didn't ever communicate his wants and needs clearly to you, then he's just not ready to settle down, or he has a late term case of GIGS, and in that case unfortunately there's nothing left you can do except wait for time to diminish the pain. I really wish there was a better easier way...

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Lost_Soul_86

Thanks for your reply SalientPoint, it is extremely difficult its all i've been thinking about for the past 6 weeks, hes the first thing on my mind when i wake up and the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep, every minute of every day my mind is ticking over!

I wish there was a better and easier way too, the sadness and loneliness i feel is gut wrenching i just wish i would wake up from this nightmare. I look around me at happy laughing people, and wish i could be like that again.

 

Sorry to hear about your break up too, i take comfort in reading other peoples stories as it reminds me that i'm not the only one going through this hell.

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I can relate, I was in a 10year when we broke up.

 

Now this is just IMO so take it how it should,with a grain of salt.

 

Maybe when he went out....he realised that he wanted to be free and enjoyed going out..aka the single life.

 

If that's the case ...let him have the time.

 

Have you seen the movie hall pass?? Prime example.

 

9 years is a long time..I know this first hand.

 

I woke up thinking of my girl just like you are....AS IS HE .

 

Your on his mind constantly. Give him some time and space, and I can almost assure you it will work out if that's what you want.

 

His "switch" is off BC of experiencing going out and going crazy one night....it does get old. If its ment to be,he will be back and continue the house project.

 

Keep ur chin up,ull be fine...that I promise. :)

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lavenderlove

It is so sad to hear what happened to you. I think it is not the end of the story. I have been in an 8 year relationship and towards the end of it it was just hell, and breaking up was the only way to go, there was no more roads to take or things left to try and learn. So I think it takes more to end a relationship such as yours than just walking out and shutting the door.

 

In your situation it sounds like neither of you really know what is going on.

So just hold yourself together, keep your dignity and be patient and open.

Let time take care of it. Try not to get too worried.

 

I think questioning things is better than sinking into oblivion. He is probably sorting things out.

 

Alternatively it might be good to seek closure and get him to explain deeply why he left.

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Lost_Soul_86

Thanks Barky2 and lavenderlove, i truly appreciate the kind words you have given me, they leave me with a bit of hope that one day he will come to his senses and want to work things out, 9 years is a hell of a long time to just throw away without a fight! I have seen the movie hall pass i just didn't even consider he might be feeling that way.

 

Barky2 did you ever get back with your girlfriend? 10 years is even longer than 9!!

 

Thanks again guys x x

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Thanks Barky2 and lavenderlove, i truly appreciate the kind words you have given me, they leave me with a bit of hope that one day he will come to his senses and want to work things out, 9 years is a hell of a long time to just throw away without a fight! I have seen the movie hall pass i just didn't even consider he might be feeling that way.

 

Barky2 did you ever get back with your girlfriend? 10 years is even longer than 9!!

 

Thanks again guys x x

 

 

I did,yes ma'am.

 

Different circumstances, I was a douche..cheated...fought for her for 8 months. Whole story is on the 2nd page "cheating gigs happy ending" ifk how to post link.

 

I got her back after I stopped trying.

 

I fought for 8 months .

 

If I was you, id do NC to give him.space.

 

Mind you I'm.no expert.

 

But it seems this guy (like me) needed time to himself...I just went about it another way.

 

Let him run free....but do the same. Don't sit there and pine.

 

Enjoy your freedom.

 

A buddy of mine had his gf leave him, I told him to go enjoy his time away and freedom, because shell be back. He

at around and still moped all day. 2 weeks later she came back...she was free and did whatever she wanted for 2 weeks and enjoyed herself.

 

He flipped the script on her after they got back together because she told him all the fun she had and he wanted to do it now.

I told him to enjoy himself.

 

My advice....get dolled up to the nines,go out with your friends.

Enjoy yourself!!!!

 

And after he's got it out of his system...and if its ment to be...hell be sniffing around.

 

Once again I repeat....enjoy ur damn self!!!!!! :) I'm always here if u need anything,and I'll be rooting for you.

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Lost_Soul_86

Barky2 that's awesome news, its so nice to hear of a happy ending on here! Well Done :)

I will Defiantly do the NC thing, i have been trying and i think I've been doing a really good job of it considering the circumstances.

 

I plan to do that tomorrow night, its a public Holiday here on Thursday so i'm off out into town with a few friends to drink the night away :)

 

Thanks Buddy i appreciate it

x x

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Awwww. Sorry to hear about your Break up.

 

Go NC. Dont answer calls or texts.

 

Dress to Impress... wake up feeling brand new.

 

hell call you eventually.

 

GO have FUN.

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My pleasure!!

 

You'll be a happy ending too I promise.

 

Keep us updated!

 

And play hard to get...be aloof.

 

Make him work for it.

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Devastated77

I am also in a similar situation, except my relationship was for 13 years.

 

He started to feel pressure from everything - us, work, family etc. a couple of months ago. But kept coming back and we would try again...and again. A few weeks back, he asked for NC...so I gave it to him for 5 days...he messaged me on the 5th day (my bday) to say happy birthday...we spoke briefly...he still said he needed more time, I said that was fine but we needed to talk eventually. Later that night I got a text from him saying he loved me and was sorry he wasn't coping with life. He sounded very down so I just called to see if he was ok...he said he loved me and wanted to try again...we arranged to meet the next day.

 

Then started the pushing and pulling from him...we met, he said he wanted me, loved me etc...then the next day went cold again...I said we didn't finish talking, we met again, same thing...he said yes, no doubts. Then went cold on me for 3 days. We saw each other again after I said I was totally confused as to what was going on...once again, same thing happened, yes I love you, want to be with you, I will make more effort (his words). Then the next 3 days were him freezing me out again.

 

I finally broke on Sunday and sent him a text saying I couldn't deal with this anymore, that it was obvious he didn't want this as he keeps saying one thing then doing another, it wasn't fair to me etc. I vented quite a bit :( But I needed to. He eventually sent me back a text saying the usual things, that he feels pressured by everyone, he needs to make himself happy before anyone else, he basically blamed me for all of his troubles. He didn't finish his message so Monday I asked him to call me after his doctors appt (he went to get antidepressants, at least he finally has done something about how he is feeling) and called me after and just sat there and said nothing. So I lit into him. I said I was sick of being led on, that if he didn't want this he shouldn't have said all those things to me...he said he was sick of me being angry at him for not coping. I said there are two separate issues, I'm not angry in the least at him not coping with life, I'm angry at being led on and depressed or not, he needed to take responsibility for the words he said to me...the day deteriorated pretty badly with us swapping nasty texts...I finally went over there that night and tried talking to him again...for about 30 mins...he said he didn't know how he felt about anything anymore, that he lied to me about wanting to be with me and having no doubts because "sometimes it's easier just to tell you what you want to keep you happy". He said he didn't want to give up on us, he still wanted to keep contact and wanted me in his life, then said he isn't in love with me anymore because all we do is fight and he doesn't see it ever improving, but that he still loves me. I gave him two options - I said I could leave and that will be the end, or give him a month and talk about it then as he said he still wanted to talk about things. He asked what I wanted to do, I said it had to be his decision. He wouldn't decide. I asked if he thinks he will regret this, he said yes...I asked if he thinks it will be too late, he said yes...it's always too late. I left. Next morning, I rang him and said since he couldn't decide, I proposed to give it a month and we will discuss it then...he said "If you want". I said it has to be what we both want or there's no point...I asked him to be completely honest about the following - whether he doesn't want to give up, and whether he still loves me. I said I don't want it sugarcoated. He said he was telling the truth about those. And that he still wanted to be friends and keep in contact. So later that day, I sent him a friendly "how's it going" message. He flipped. Said I was acting like nothing had changed. I said not at all, you said you wanted to stay in contact? He said "I need time and space". I apologised and said since he hadn't said that, I must have misread the situation. I said we both need time and space and that I was glad he didn't want to give up and that we have agreed to revisit it in a month. One thing I am very unsure about though - the previous night, I asked him if he wanted to move on, he said "I don't know". And he said the same thing the next morning on the phone. When I suggested the month, I said I'd like us to agree not to move on in that time...he seemed unsure, but did agree to it. So as of right now, we are back to NC for a month. And I am struggling so badly with it right now. All my mind keeps telling me is that this guy has hidden and lied so much...how do I know he hasn't already moved on? Why would he agree to what I said if he has? Everywhere I go, it's him, every car I see on the street I look to see if it's him...I keep picturing him with another girl but try to maintain hope in my heart that 13 years is a very long time and if he does have someone else, it would only be a rebound. I am praying that NC will make him miss me.

 

Sorry for the novel guys, any insight appreciated :(

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SalientPoint
Thanks for your reply SalientPoint, it is extremely difficult its all i've been thinking about for the past 6 weeks, hes the first thing on my mind when i wake up and the last thing on my mind when i go to sleep, every minute of every day my mind is ticking over!

I wish there was a better and easier way too, the sadness and loneliness i feel is gut wrenching i just wish i would wake up from this nightmare. I look around me at happy laughing people, and wish i could be like that again.

 

Sorry to hear about your break up too, i take comfort in reading other peoples stories as it reminds me that i'm not the only one going through this hell.

 

 

Oh man don't I know it. I started that thread about tips on getting out of bed, because like you I think about her at night and can't sleep, and she's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and then get depressed immediately, so it's hard to start the day. But people did give me some good tips if you ever need some. I was just telling my friend maybe I should delete my facebook because everyone on my feed is getting married/engaged/having kids right now, and I'm not one of those girls that ever cared about marriage, until she brought it up and said she wanted to, then a few days later said she didn't want to move in together anymore, then a few weeks later said she didn't love me, so yeah I know what you mean about happy people being hard to swallow right now haha. But hey, you've made it 6 weeks and that is an achievement! You're going to go out and have fun, and you have a month behind you, and I feel like the first month is crucial, so keep your head up and knowing you're doing great!

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Lost_Soul_86

Naww Devastated77 you poor little thing, i know how tough this is and 13 years is such a long time. I don't have any advise to give you unfortunately as i am in pretty much the same boat and have no idea what the hell is going on! I think the best thing for you to do is give him space like he has asked, stop messaging him and stop calling him you will only push him further away. I know its hard but it really is the best thing to do in this situation. I really doubt that after 13 years he would move on so easily, to me it doesn't sound like he's met someone else, but i don't know your situation i.e if there has been cheating in the past etc i think he just needs time, maybe he too is going through this mid life crisis or "early mid life crisis" stuff, sometimes i guess people just need a break. If your both willing to try then its never too late. My ex has just given up without trying at all. It sounds like he just needs time and time is what you need to give him, every time you go to pick up your phone think about how much more damage your doing by bombarding him when he has said he needs time and space, let him message or call you when he's ready, i truly know what your going through and i know its the hardest thing that you have probably ever been through in your life, im hear if you ever need to talk.

 

SalientPoint that is so funny you say that, it seems every day or weekend another one of my friends on facebook is posting up pictures of there engagement rings or cute little pictures of them and there boyfriends, and all it makes me want to do is cancel my facebook account! Your right the first month is definitely the hardest, at least i have stopped uncontrollably crying now, although i don't feel "better" it's more of an improvement i guess.

x x

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Lost_Soul_86
My pleasure!!

 

You'll be a happy ending too I promise.

 

Keep us updated!

 

And play hard to get...be aloof.

 

Make him work for it.

 

 

I'll hold you on that promise Barky2 :p

 

Will do

 

x

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SalientPoint

Your right the first month is definitely the hardest, at least i have stopped uncontrollably crying now, although i don't feel "better" it's more of an improvement i guess.

x x

 

I think that is really half the battle. Or at least an important part. There's a really good book called " It's called a breakup because it's broken" by Greg Behrendt that I'd recommend. In it, he basically says that what may just seem like a small improvement should be appreciated, because it's those small improvements that eventually get you through. So now that you're at that point, yeah, you should try and go out and have fun though it might be hard initially.

 

Also, Australia seems like an interesting place, with a lot to do. I was planning on moving to be with my ex, but now that that's not happening I really considered and kind of still do, taking the holiday visa and going there for a year. So also, if you like to and can travel, maybe that would help you too?

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blondie 12345

hi

i was in an 8 year relationship then 1 day he came home said he wa leaving n didnt give me no reason as to why.

i remember feeling heart broken and not being able to eat felt sick couldnt sleep and remember thinking this was the worst thing id ever gone threw we had house that we had to split etc i was a proper mess went doctors and they put me on anti depressents.

i now know that it wa for another women who he is still with now 6 years on.

i never thought id ever feel ok with it even now but if he wouldnt have left me for her i would never have met the person i was meant to be with who is my boyfriend,

now i see them together and we actually stop to chat together and i feel nothing no anger or hatred which people ask why am i not mad but im just not :)

 

keep yourself busy believe me it will get better keep smiling :))))

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Lost_Soul_86
I think that is really half the battle. Or at least an important part. There's a really good book called " It's called a breakup because it's broken" by Greg Behrendt that I'd recommend. In it, he basically says that what may just seem like a small improvement should be appreciated, because it's those small improvements that eventually get you through. So now that you're at that point, yeah, you should try and go out and have fun though it might be hard initially.

 

Also, Australia seems like an interesting place, with a lot to do. I was planning on moving to be with my ex, but now that that's not happening I really considered and kind of still do, taking the holiday visa and going there for a year. So also, if you like to and can travel, maybe that would help you too?

 

 

 

Thanks for the recommendation, i will have to look that one up :)

 

Australia is a beautiful place I've traveled to a fair few countries but no where compares to home, if you get a chance to ever come out here you should definitely do it, i guarantee you will love it! :)

Speaking of travel i have tickets booked to Europe in June for 4 weeks so it will be good to get away for a while i think.

Best of luck with everything and thanks for the advice

 

Blondie, thanks for your post i'm glad you found someone your meant to be with in the end, i can only hope that if this is the case for me i too can find that person too!

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Lost_Soul_86

Hi All,

 

I know it hasn't been long since i last posted but i just received a message from my ex saying "hi hope ur well, just letting u know im going to tell the agent to advertise the house this week, dad said i can store the furniture in their spare rooms and I've found a share house for $100 a week" my response "yep no worries" - ahhhhhh this absolutely sucks!

 

All i keep thinking is the next time i go to that house will be to pick up the remaining of whatever meaningless **** i have left to pick up, and the fact that ill never be sleeping in that bed again, never watching that TV, never cooking dinner on that stove or even my dog never living back in her home with BOTH her mummy and daddy, i really don't think i can get kicked any more times when i'm down without breaking! Tonight was the first time i have cried in days...im back to that sh*tty low point again!

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smokey bear

9 years together, I left for 8 months to go experience life, some of us have to do it, came back and he left, the switch flicked for him too, its now 2 years later almost. he's still out having fun, im with someone else. Took me 10 months to even think about dating but time does help and it does get easier xx

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