RayCog Posted April 22, 2013 Share Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) Help me write a break up text... T, About a month ago we had been seeing each other weekly and I felt closer to you and I remember telling you I wasn’t going to date other women anymore. Now it’s been over three weeks since we had any one-on-one time (at the beach) and I no longer feel like committing to you. Based on how often you plan time with me, I sense you enjoy me as an activity partner. I really like you and I’m happy to accommodate that. I’m currently available and interested to see you as often as you want. In fact, I’m crazy about you and want to see you more every day the longer I spend time away from you. I hope we keep our future two dates planned, I hope we schedule more, and hopefully I’ll feel like committing to you again someday. Love, R Background: I've known T about 9 months and been on 20+ dates with her. I kissed her just once over a month ago, shortly before "committing to her". She told me first that she wasn't seeing anyone else. She has a 60+ hr/week PhD research job, a 4yo, a 17yo, fresh divorce to deal with, and new house. In each 2 week period, she has 3, 2, and 1 day periods away from her 4yo, but lately my requests for time are being denied so she can catch up on personal things. I can't break up with her in person because our planned dates this weekend and next are with her friend and son, similar to our last time together a couple weeks ago. I can't even email her because she thinks her ex can hack the internet and read it. We've never called more than 3 minutes to confirm a date in the 9 months, even though I've asked her for phone time. She says she doesn't like calls I want to keep her as a friend because I always have fun with her when we meet and she comes up with fun date ideas. She has plenty of money like me so we could fly to vegas or anywhere else if only she had the time. My job pays similar, but I barely work 40 and have no young kid obligations. I basically have seven nights a week and every weekend free to do whatever I want. I'm very social with lots of friends and close family and they are wondering why I say I have a girlfriend but she's never with me. Actually I'm wondering that more than them Thanks for your advice. -R Edited April 22, 2013 by RayCog get rid of code Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted April 22, 2013 Share Posted April 22, 2013 You cannot break up with someone by text. Call her or.meet.her. Link to post Share on other sites
KatZee Posted April 22, 2013 Share Posted April 22, 2013 The text is absolutely baffling. You don't just get to dump her through text (EXTREMELY COWARDLY BTW) and then be like, "But I hope we keep our next two meetings, maybe one day I'll feel like committing to you again." Seems like she's got a lot on her plate, and the last thing she needs is this whiny text message. If she was looking to be in a relationship with you I doubt she's going to just hang out as your friend hoping you'll come around one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RayCog Posted April 22, 2013 Author Share Posted April 22, 2013 (edited) During the first 8 months knowing and dating T I saw lots of other women almost weekly and she knew it. I think what happened is that as soon as I committed to T and canceled my other dates, it moved the pressure to her. T likely noticed my increased pressure for more dates than before and backed off. I think the sooner I go out with someone new, the better T will feel when we go out next. Maybe I'm just better off being single. It definitely feels less anxious for me because whenever I'm anxious for a date, I ask my favorites and if they say no, I just meet someone new. Very simple and relaxing. Edited April 22, 2013 by RayCog Link to post Share on other sites
fancy feast Posted April 22, 2013 Share Posted April 22, 2013 You need to sit down and have a conversation about what you want out of the relationship. If you (or her) aren't satisfied, then you can say it in person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RayCog Posted April 22, 2013 Author Share Posted April 22, 2013 The reason I posted here rather than simply sending the text is because I know it's not good to break up by text. I have no problem saying it in person, but I can't even get 1 minute with her. In the last two weeks I've invited her on at least 7 dates and half weren't dates, they were just to spend time with her. She declined them all. This weekend she wants me to pick up her girlfriend, then her, then go on a group date with 50 other women (lock and key speed dating, she likes the practice and I support that), then drop her off, then her friend. I can't tell her this Saturday and feel I need to tell her now, way before Saturday so she can think. Next weekend I'm picking up her 4yo and her to go on a downtown scavenger hunt with them. I won't see her 1:1 at all that whole weekend because of her 4yo. Last night I tried to get a text conversation going or phone call. I asked for it way early in the day, but when we talked before I went to bed she said her son was still up and I went to bed. She doesn't have her son tonight or tomorrow, but I already asked to see her and she said no. I can either send the text, or wait for the weekend and go on the date and not tell her. Link to post Share on other sites
strozzap Posted April 22, 2013 Share Posted April 22, 2013 Do you ever feel like she might be using you? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted April 22, 2013 Share Posted April 22, 2013 Given the situation I don't think you two are compatible. You should move on and try to date someone who does not have so many obligations and could meet with more often. I know if I were in your situation I would feel really neglected too. I say move on to someone who can give you more. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 It sounds like she's just not all that interested in you. I would call her and tell her you're done, and then be done. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 I agree, that text is baffling. It doesn't sound like you're really trying to break up with her. You're almost issuing an ultimatum in a roundabout, passive-aggressive way. Plus it just sounds arrogant. "I no longer feel like committing to you...hopefully I’ll feel like committing to you again someday." And I don't know if this was intentional on your part, but I saw a few digs at her in that message. If those weren't intentional, then you should use this as an example of how things can be misconstrued over text. Last night I tried to get a text conversation going or phone call. I asked for it way early in the day, but when we talked before I went to bed she said her son was still up and I went to bed. She doesn't have her son tonight or tomorrow, but I already asked to see her and she said no. I can either send the text, or wait for the weekend and go on the date and not tell her. How about you text her and say, "Can you call me when you have a few extra minutes today? I need to speak to you about something important." Surely she won't blow you off if you tell her that? If she does, then I suppose a text would be appropriate (just not the one in your OP. The whole thing should be edited. You can say all that stuff in a nicer way.) Link to post Share on other sites
AKisBaked Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 Don't be a pussy and break up via text.. That's really disrespectful to her and just shows that you can't even face her to tell what you think.... Even not meeting up calling would be better, even if u claim that she doesn't like calls... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RayCog Posted April 23, 2013 Author Share Posted April 23, 2013 Passive aggressive and a few subtle digs sounds like my style. Thanks for noticing and pointing it out. I've made a lot of progress, but one drop of poisen can still kill. Tonight I tried this one at 10:30pm... "Hi T. I'm available to visit. Otherwise will sleep in about 30mins." "Hi R, let's meet on Saturday and talk then. Sleep well. I am working now." "I'd like to talk with you alone for a while. May we meet or call sometime before I pick up your friend? If not, lets pick a time after. I want to have fun with you Saturday and not a mind full of words I can't share with your friend there. Its nothing bad or even super important, but the last time I talked to you in private was at x and I've made myself anxious about it being 3+ weeks ago. That's basically what I wanted to talk about I'll sleep now and let you get back to work. Love, R" Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 Wow..nice guilt trip... Link to post Share on other sites
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