Ex does note even seem real anymore

[Echo000]

I was driving back from work today, and I thought about my ex (like usual).

 

But today, I realized how much now separates us. Distance and time, and also all the thoughts and emotions and painful moments surrounding her memory. The fact that she is a living, breathing human is almost secondary at this point to the memories/thoughts/analysis that constantly runs through my head.

 

Maybe its like what Donald Draper from Mad Men says, "You will be shocked by how much this never happened". Perhaps we think things into oblivion, to the point where the person (and the times you shared with them) almost seemed to never exist or happen.

 

Which of my LS peeps can relate

[siankat]

Yeah. I picked that up in your musings many posts ago (and commented as such).

Generally speaking it can go from desperately trying to work through the pain in the hope of lessening the pain that when we finally feel pain slipping away we hold on to it a little longer ?!?! relate?

 

If obsession is a streak in your makeup, (not literally - CK eau de toilette ruining your foundation.. there is tendancy to over(ever)analyse where it doesnt become about the person or the feelings anymore, its all about obsessing.

 

Yay!! Psychoanalysed myself successfully

[Echo000]

siankat i dont understand almost anything you just said haha you saying that the obsessive thoughts themselves become your focus and that the person (ex) is secondary now?

[siankat]

hehehe yes that is what i'm saying

[Echo000]

hehehe yes that is what i'm saying

 

With that said, its hard for me to decide if i really still love her or am just obsessing.

 

Got to be honest, as time goes on and the little b.s that caused us to split fades away, I still feel a lot of love there.

 

Oh.

[Leegh]

Yes, I agree with you. Regarding a past boyfriend, I used to wake up in the night analyzing everything he had said, replaying it in my mind constantly, now fast forward several years, and I rarely think about him.

[siankat]

I can see that I think i don't because as my sister says, my ex is a dirtbag. Soon as i found out he was seeking out the company of other girls, i ended it.

 

Your situation is different. So i get where you are coming from also. I feel like since being on here i have turned a corner. It's more of a hobby than a tool now and i don't need it for the same reasons as i did. Thinking to quit using it as a crutch and just draw a line under the whole thing with him including LS.

[GB25]

I was driving back from work today, and I thought about my ex (like usual).

 

But today, I realized how much now separates us. Distance and time, and also all the thoughts and emotions and painful moments surrounding her memory. The fact that she is a living, breathing human is almost secondary at this point to the memories/thoughts/analysis that constantly runs through my head.

 

Maybe its like what Donald Draper from Mad Men says, "You will be shocked by how much this never happened". Perhaps we think things into oblivion, to the point where the person (and the times you shared with them) almost seemed to never exist or happen.

 

Which of my LS peeps can relate

 

All the threads you start kind of hit home Echo. I was actually just thinking about this the other day how she doesn't even seem real to me anymore. What we shared, the laughter, the confusion, the flirty texts, are so long ago that it's like it never happened, almost was only a dream. Like that memorial day picnic at the lake when I was 9 or when I bumped my head on the ice when I was 11 and my mom freaked out..I just kind of look back and say wow that was a long time ago, but yet she is still here, working, living, going out and living life...just doing none of it with me so virtually she is a ghost to me. I am not even saying this from a place of sadness bc I gave that up. Its more coming from a place of " wow its funny how life goes.." then i smile, shake my head and get on with my day.

[Echo000]

hehehe yes that is what i'm saying

 

All the threads you start kind of hit home Echo. I was actually just thinking about this the other day how she doesn't even seem real to me anymore. What we shared, the laughter, the confusion, the flirty texts, are so long ago that it's like it never happened, almost was only a dream. Like that memorial day picnic at the lake when I was 9 or when I bumped my head on the ice when I was 11 and my mom freaked out..I just kind of look back and say wow that was a long time ago, but yet she is still here, working, living, going out and living life...just doing none of it with me so virtually she is a ghost to me. I am not even saying this from a place of sadness bc I gave that up. Its more coming from a place of " wow its funny how life goes.." then i smile, shake my head and get on with my day.

 

yea exactly, im not even saying any of this out of sadness either. I mean, i think it is kinda sad (feels that way often), but my thread was really more about how weird it all feels. I shared so much with this girl- and all that little stuff, like the flirting and little words and moments, its like they never happened. Goes to the question: "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?". If you completely forget all those details that were once so precious to you, that really made your relationship what it was, its almost as if that relationship never existed.

 

Maybe you guys can understand, or maybe this wont make sense to yall. Who knows. But, it makes sense to me!

[GB25]

yea exactly, im not even saying any of this out of sadness either. I mean, i think it is kinda sad (feels that way often), but my thread was really more about how weird it all feels. I shared so much with this girl- and all that little stuff, like the flirting and little words and moments, its like they never happened. Goes to the question: "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?". If you completely forget all those details that were once so precious to you, that really made your relationship what it was, its almost as if that relationship never existed.

 

Maybe you guys can understand, or maybe this wont make sense to yall. Who knows. But, it makes sense to me!

 

Makes perfect sense. And yes, I understand you're analogy about the tree in the woods, but this relationship very much existed..yes it's over now and all you have is memories..but all the pain, love, suffering, heart & soul you put into it shaped part of who you are today and taught you many lessons now going into the future when you start a new chapter with whoever is cast in you're life. I went through absolute hell since January and am now just starting to get myself back..but I wouldnt take one second of it back..not because of her, but because I learned so much about myself and how I am able to love and let go.

[Echo000]

yessir, respect your approach and i feel the same way. Things I value most from this experience is:

 

1. I am a strong fella

2. I can really love

3. I can have my heart broken, and still find the strength to maintain respect for myself and move on with dignity.

[todreaminblue]

I was driving back from work today, and I thought about my ex (like usual).

 

But today, I realized how much now separates us. Distance and time, and also all the thoughts and emotions and painful moments surrounding her memory. The fact that she is a living, breathing human is almost secondary at this point to the memories/thoughts/analysis that constantly runs through my head.

 

Maybe its like what Donald Draper from Mad Men says, "You will be shocked by how much this never happened". Perhaps we think things into oblivion, to the point where the person (and the times you shared with them) almost seemed to never exist or happen.

 

Which of my LS peeps can relate

 

 

I feel this too...i had a fifteen year relationship and in my mind i am disconnected from that relationship.....and i have children to him.....i dont feel cold when i think of him i dont feel warm either.......so...yes time and distance....out of sight....out of mind......it took years though.....for me to be at this stage simply for the amount of years i was with him it took years to disconnect....deb

[KatZee]

omg! this is so funny because I said these exact same words to myself earlier this week.

 

I was thinking how strange it was how I'm living my life, how I barely think of him, how I never reflect on our relationship. And I said to myself, "It really feels as if we never really happened." Meanwhile we spent three years together. I feel as if I've "no contacted" myself into complete disconnect and it feels like the relationship with him was all some dream.

[Echo000]

omg! this is so funny because I said these exact same words to myself earlier this week.

 

I was thinking how strange it was how I'm living my life, how I barely think of him, how I never reflect on our relationship. And I said to myself, "It really feels as if we never really happened." Meanwhile we spent three years together. I feel as if I've "no contacted" myself into complete disconnect and it feels like the relationship with him was all some dream.

 

 

Im not this far down the emotional ladder though. I still think about her daily..(not in a weird obsessive way, i think in a normal way. I have actually been doing quite well!

 

Question...how long have you been no contact? And was it a bad relationship/bu? because three years is a decent amount of time

[cavalier99]

I feel where you are coming from. My RS was 8 years. I knew every aspect of her life family, you name it. Now im 6 1/2 months NC and dont have a clue about her. Like nada!

 

She has dissapeared into oblivion. Its begining to feel like another era in my life that just has drifted away.

 

Meeting a new girl has just accelerated this process. Now my mind jumps to new girl and doesnt have much time for pondering the ex.

 

I even wonder if this new thing goes south (it is only a couple intense weeks now) if i would even go back to thinking about the ex or id think of new girl??

 

Hmmm...Or would i just go back to being happily single quickly. Weird. Cav

Edited April 20, 2013 by cavalier99

[Am4Real]

You're moving through the stages of grief and separation. You can question if you like, briefly and just this once. Keep plowing through it.

 

The second you raise doubts (like the one you describe) you're not going through the pain, you're going around it.

 

The more you go around it, the more chances of it haunting you down the road, even in future relationships.

 

 

With that said, its hard for me to decide if i really still love her or am just obsessing.

 

Got to be honest, as time goes on and the little b.s that caused us to split fades away, I still feel a lot of love there.

 

Oh.

[Am4Real]

Are you familiar with the term SNOWBALLING?

 

 

Yes, I agree with you. Regarding a past boyfriend, I used to wake up in the night analyzing everything he had said, replaying it in my mind constantly, now fast forward several years, and I rarely think about him.

[Am4Real]

Good for you!!

 

That’s what we want to hear…

 

 

 

yessir, respect your approach and i feel the same way. Things I value most from this experience is:

 

1. I am a strong fella

2. I can really love

3. I can have my heart broken, and still find the strength to maintain respect for myself and move on with dignity.

[Amelie1980]

I feel where you are coming from. My RS was 8 years. I knew every aspect of her life family, you name it. Now im 6 1/2 months NC and dont have a clue about her. Like nada!

 

She has dissapeared into oblivion. Its begining to feel like another era in my life that just has drifted away.

 

Meeting a new girl has just accelerated this process. Now my mind jumps to new girl and doesnt have much time for pondering the ex.

 

I even wonder if this new thing goes south (it is only a couple intense weeks now) if i would even go back to thinking about the ex or id think of new girl??

 

Hmmm...Or would i just go back to being happily single quickly. Weird. Cav

 

you'd go back to dwelling on ex. i have.

[destroyed4sho]

I feel where you are coming from. My RS was 8 years. I knew every aspect of her life family, you name it. Now im 6 1/2 months NC and dont have a clue about her. Like nada!

 

She has dissapeared into oblivion. Its begining to feel like another era in my life that just has drifted away.

 

Meeting a new girl has just accelerated this process. Now my mind jumps to new girl and doesnt have much time for pondering the ex.

 

I even wonder if this new thing goes south (it is only a couple intense weeks now) if i would even go back to thinking about the ex or id think of new girl??

 

Hmmm...Or would i just go back to being happily single quickly. Weird. Cav

 

In my experience, after a 2nd relationship Broke, i did somewhat think aboit ex ex but it was more in comparison to last ex. Not really intense grieving...no pain just indifferent thoughts

[KatZee]

Im not this far down the emotional ladder though. I still think about her daily..(not in a weird obsessive way, i think in a normal way. I have actually been doing quite well!

 

Question...how long have you been no contact? And was it a bad relationship/bu? because three years is a decent amount of time

 

Been no contact almost a year now. See signature.

 

I thought we had something really good, but over time he became emotionally abusive, he would blame me for everything, he was selfish, self absorbed, nothing he ever did was wrong, nothing I ever did was good enough. I would do 9 great things and 1 wrong thing and he would harp on the wrong. He is a narcissist, he allowed his friends to disrespect me right to my face and he never stood up for me, the whole relationship revolved around him and his wants, needs, expectations, desires, etc. Two years into our relationship he confessed to cheating on me with his ex girlfriend, and the only reason he told me was b/c someone was threatening to expose him.

 

He wasn't remorseful at all about cheating, I could remember the time we were together when he cheated and there was basically no deviation in his behavior. He continued sleeping with me etc. And the kicker was that he cheated on me when we came back from a vacation in which MY FAMILY paid his entire way. (Bahamas). He cheated on me about a week after he told me he loved me for the first time.

 

He was never particularly interested in making ME happy. Everything we did was what he wanted to do, he never did something selflessly to make me happy. He never had any interest in really doing things I loved, and because of this I virtually lost myself trying to make him happy and always doing things for him.

 

I always came second in his life. He was a very frequent liar, and he dumped me for someone else. So I would assume he either emotionally cheated on me there, or even physically cheated on me AGAIN. I really wouldn't put it past him.

 

I look back on three years and I can't say one nice thing about him. There is not one positive adjective I could use to describe him. He has no morals, he's a coward, he's immature, irresponsible... I could sit here all day listing his attributes and there's not one good thing to be said.

 

Live and learn, right?

[Echo000]

I guess the only thing that makes me feel somewhat disconnected from the LS community is the fact that both myself and my ex were pretty much the dumper and the dumpee. She tried to act like the dumper at the end, but I put the break up in motion in many clear ways. Im trying to simply say that this wasnt the typical she broke up with me, now as the dumpee im trying to move on while she is chillin/doing god knows what.

 

Now, i got ZERO clue about her life anymore. Nothing. She could (i doubt it but hey it really is possible) have someone new in her life, and hardly ever think about me.

 

Who knows. The reason I say this is because, if she had looked me in the eyes and broken up with me, as shi**y as that would have been, i think it would have made it easier to move on and also given me a TINY bit more closure. Instead it was left as a kinda mutual, BS thing where "this isnt the right time to try again, and we will talk somewhere in the future" type of thing.

 

I know im going on, just want to try and paint a real picture of my story. Because, unlike most LS posters on here, the dumper and dumpee are not clearly defined at all in my situation.

[cavalier99]

I guess the only thing that makes me feel somewhat disconnected from the LS community is the fact that both myself and my ex were pretty much the dumper and the dumpee. She tried to act like the dumper at the end, but I put the break up in motion in many clear ways. Im trying to simply say that this wasnt the typical she broke up with me, now as the dumpee im trying to move on while she is chillin/doing god knows what.

 

Now, i got ZERO clue about her life anymore. Nothing. She could (i doubt it but hey it really is possible) have someone new in her life, and hardly ever think about me.

 

Who knows. The reason I say this is because, if she had looked me in the eyes and broken up with me, as shi**y as that would have been, i think it would have made it easier to move on and also given me a TINY bit more closure. Instead it was left as a kinda mutual, BS thing where "this isnt the right time to try again, and we will talk somewhere in the future" type of thing.

 

I know im going on, just want to try and paint a real picture of my story. Because, unlike most LS posters on here, the dumper and dumpee are not clearly defined at all in my situation.

 

Your the dumpee just accpet it. She is ok you are suffering. Problem resolved! Cav

[Echo000]

haha alright cav whatever you say