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chubachoop

I was with my boyfriend for six months. I knew him 6 months previous to us being together. We were in a long distance relationship but he would phone me for hours each day. We have become best friends. He understands me totally as I do he, I believe we are soulmates. I feel completely comfortable with him and can tell him everything. He tells me he loves me every day and that he wants us to get married one day and be together for the rest of our lives. Hes 26 im 25. He really is committed to me as I am to me. He buys me nice presents, his friends tell me how he talks about me all the time. He is proud of me, wants me to meet all his friends and family.

 

But.. He isnt very romantic, he doesnt send me cards or flowers. When we have sex he isnt interested in speding long on foreplay even though I have already expressed to him that I want more foreplay. He isnt very caring as in I dont feel he wants me to rely on him for anything. he is very independent and he wants me to be too. I dont feel needed by him and i dont feel he wants me to need him. So yesterday I broke up with him. I told him everything and he doesnt understand (he says) why he cant give me the things I want (ive brought the issues up before and hes tried to change things but things stayed the same)

 

Am I right do you think to finish it or am I wanting to much? I know he is my soul mate so should I stay with him for that reason? I would do anything for him and I dont want anybody else

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sportsloving
But.. He isnt very romantic, he doesnt send me cards or flowers. When we have sex he isnt interested in speding long on foreplay even though I have already expressed to him that I want more foreplay. He isnt very caring as in I dont feel he wants me to rely on him for anything. he is very independent and he wants me to be too. I dont feel needed by him and i dont feel he wants me to need him. So yesterday I broke up with him. I told him everything and he doesnt understand (he says) why he cant give me the things I want (ive brought the issues up before and hes tried to change things but things stayed the same)

 

Well, first off... in what regards are we talking about needing each other? Being independent doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't need you. If something happens through his day and the first person he wants to talk to about it is you, then I would say he has already shown he "needs" you. You also said you feel as if he doesn't want you to need him. How do you mean? Emotionally?

 

As for the romantic gestures of cards or flowers... are they really more important than having the person who you believe is your soulmate? Can you come up with a compromise with him? You have said that he buys you gifts... is this his way of romance? Does he tell you everyday that he loves you? Or do silly things for you out of the blue? You can always refashion your sense of what is romantic to the person you are with. It doesn't make it wrong, it just makes it different. (Such as I hate cut flowers... they have always seemed to me to be the "no-brainer"). But my S/O knows this, so I get plants instead... it works because I don't get the flowers and he has really understood and incorporated what I have told him to his idea of romance.

 

As for the foreplay during sex. Can you also compromise on this with him? Say that every other time should be for him, show him by doing to him what you want him to do? And then every other time should be him showing you? Sometimes it is the actions that speak louder than the words... can you show him what you mean and then he can "understand" what you are saying to him.

 

I can't answer if breaking up with him was the best thing or not. Only you can. But it seems to me that everything you have listed can be worked through or at least ideas changed. I don't mean you can change him as a person, but you can work through what is bothering you and in time it could benefit the relationship.

 

I wish you lots of luck and hope everything works out for you :cool:

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chubachoop

Thank you for your reply. What you are saying makes alot of sense and maybe I should listen to you.. oh I dont know, Im just so confused. With the sex its like this, I tell him what I like I respond in all the right ways, I try real hard to please him and if he likes something i do it again next time we are together. He doesnt. Every time we are together I have to ask for what I want and I dont really like asking. I feel hes a bit selfish in bed really which makes me doubt his feelings for me. He does tell me he loves me and rings me all the time so yeah thats romantic but is it wrong to want more than that? to want little surprises every now and then? If I need him, like I want him to come with me to something which I may be afraid of doing on my own, he would be reluctant to. That makes me think he doesnt worry about me or want to make sure im alright...

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This is a tough one! I personally expect my guy to be there for me in every single way...and vice versa. But that's the kind of relationship we are in. We depend on each other for a lot of things. People aren't always this dependent...you and your guy sound far more independent. Neither way is good or bad, it's what works best for you.

 

If you are not completely satisfied then I think you made a good decision w/ the break up. *(What does he think about breaking up?? Is he willing to work on things??)* He doesnt sound too willing to work on things. I feel that if something is bothering you, it should bother your partner too, because why in the world would they want you to be upset?

 

On the other hand -- romance isn't everything. If you can do without a ton of it, then there's no problem with that. Like I said -- it's what works for you! But if you are the kind of person that needs that romance and certain attention, then don't settle for less.

 

Really figure out more about yourself -- your wants and needs. Don't weigh out the pros and cons, because if the cons are things that you simply need (no matter who it makes sense to), then these things will eat you up inside and cause you to feel resentment if u stay together. Get what I mean??

 

Best wishes to you! ;)

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chubachoop

He agrees that we should break up because he doesnt know why but he just cant give naturrally the things that I want. We have broken up for similar reasons before, tried to work things out but didnt. It is just so confusing. when i read that first reply i nearly phoned him and told him id changed my mind but then i read yours becks and was glad i didnt!

 

Basically i have got this kinda criteria that i want a guy to have. if he hasnt got all the criteria then i dont wanna be wih him. some of my friends tell me thats ridiculous and im ruining good relationships..... but is it really wrong to want the best?

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I do not at all think it is wrong or selfish to want the best for yourself. Good for you that you know what you deserve! I assume you are a great gf and expect/deserve the same in return.

 

Unless you are totally ridiculous with this "criteria" you talk about (like he has to look an exact way or something, I dont know...) then there is nothing wrong with knowing what you want.

 

If you are sure you are not the happiest you can be, then do something about it. But see -- now I should be taking my own advice!! haha ;) I have a huge issue with my bf that I would love to have be different, and though he tries, cares very much, and has changed A LOT for me, I'm still not always completely satisfied.

 

The thing that bothers me about your situation is that he doesnt seem to try. I would like to think that if my guy wouldnt have been so understanding and everything and hadn't done all he could to convince me to stay, that I would no longer be with him -- but I guess I dont know that for a fact.

 

I feel that you deserve for your guy to be begging (ha, I'm horrible - maybe not "begging") for you back, and I think he should want to fix things if he really wants to be with you. I don't buy it that he "can't do it" -- he just doesnt want to. Maybe you should tell him that!

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chubachoop

I did tell him Becks and now I know everything so I know my decision was right. He told me how although he loves me, im his best friend, his soul mate and his favourite person in the world, the chemistry between us isnt strong enough for him. He feels maybe he loves me but isnt in love with me. He said he wanted so badly for us to be together but his heart just wasnt in it so he was only the person i wanted him to be when he really tried. So there you go. Thanks for all the advice and yeah I think you should take your own advice, why be unsatisfied in life and love?

 

No contact starts here.. I told him I need to be totally over him before I can even think about us being friends :(

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mysoulsearch

Sometimes I am burden from the imagine of the past. How can I connect with my partner when I am still connected to the past? Connected to the pain and love. Joanne and Melissa have haunted my relationship. My memory banks are retrieve so quickly. I think about the memories everyday. I am married to three ghosts right now. The ghost of Melissa and Joanne and fantasy lover. Unlike real partner who maybe be less attractive, overweight, not perfect. My fantasy partners always want to give me what I want, always want to do what I want, always want from me exactly what I can give. They can read my mind and satisfy all my need. These fantasies are just confusing me and create a sense of longing, frustration causing me to be steer further and further away from real people. There is a tendency for me to close door on real partner and instead of focusing on my dream lover…waiting for the real partner and dream lover to match. Many people including me will accept nothing less than idealized love.

I am sorry ...but if you love someone....you love them jsut the way they are.

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