Guilt

[fabulousgal]

So, I have anxiety issues. They were prevalant in my relationship, but my Dr. and others say I do a wonderful job of "masking" them.

 

My ex was highly frustrated with me because I didn't hold him in public. I tried to explain I am shy, but he said to him it is up to the girl to hold the guys arm/hand. Not to go into tremendous detail, I don't sleep with guys until I get to know them. When I told him I was ready (3-4 months in), we stalled. He had some bizarre issues with building intimacy late in a relationship, he asked why the girl gets to decide when. I also have a slight medical issue that is like less than 1% of a concern to him, which I shared, but he stayed. So I spent a lot of time worrying if he really wanted me in that way. He also had issues performing oral on women. Weird I know. This didn't do anything to absolve my anxiety, only increase if he really found me desirable. He wasn't a complimenter either, never told me I was beautiful etc. Not trying to sound like I'm full of myself, but I hear it all the time from other guys and girls.

 

Often when we were out, I so very much wanted to hold his hand! But I think I had convinced myself to let him lead. I was very very affectionate with him at home. So, he mentioned this once or twice, more in a "blaming manner", and once he discussed breaking up but we didnt(he was fighting with me a lot as he didn't have a job and was very moody).

 

So, I talked it out through therapy and "took the lead" in initating. I never walked beside him again without holding him. In bars, I'd always caress his leg. However, he ended up telling me "it was too late" when he went on some tirade completely devaluing our 8 months and dumped me.

 

Now, I can't go anywhere without frowning when I see couples out holding hands. it's such a small thing, and I REALLY tried. I never explained to him "I have anxiety issues" but I did tell him more than once I was very shy around him. I feel like the right, or compassionate guy would find my shyness endearing, or in no way tell me "it's too late." Am I beating myself up over nothing?

[TaraMaiden]

Am I beating myself up over nothing?

 

Yes.

 

Why do people always have *this, that or the other* issues?

 

Why can't you just say you have particular boundaries, instead of converting them into problematic handicaps?

You are the way you are.

Why do they suddenly have to be called 'issues'....?

 

You have certain steps or mannerisms, and ways of behaving.

It is what it is.

Why create problems out of it?

[fabulousgal]

I guess because I literally got my stomach in knots and mind racing when we'd be walking beside eachother...like does he want to hold my hand? I am not sure, I haven't dated that much and really he made me so nervous because I liked him. When the sex life was not happening, it made me feel worse, wanting for ANY type of sign he desired me. Yes, he was always around but sometimes I'd wonder "does this guy just like me as a friend?"

 

Turns out I couldn't meet his expectations exactly the way he wanted. "The girl does it (holding hands). I won't just to see what YOU will do." Then I had a long talk with my therapist about taking risks, so I started too. Then "it's too late." It's just a no win with this guy. In other areas too. He wasn't a great boyfriend, but painted himself to be. I unfortunately think I don't believe in myself enough to see that.

 

Thanks for your reply, I am feeling really down today. I'm up in action, heading out to work, grabbed a great workout last night and even had a "date" but I still feel like a failed as a girlfriend.

[Infnitysign]

Addressing your handicap as issues might be a bit too harsh.

 

Accepting yourself and how you are maybe the only way to get out of your own comfort zone and hold hands

[fabulousgal]

I don't know. I formally was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder about 6 months into this relationship. I was given medication to deal with it, that coupled with my intense exercise, giving up caffine and weekly therapy I feel less anxious.

 

Reflecting, I wish I had been more comfortable taking a risk, but honestly I did think it was better to let him lead, since I wasn't sure why we weren't having sex. I never met a guy who thought waiting 3-4 months made it "harder" to do it.

 

And the saddest part to me is that I DID IN FACT try. For about 4 weeks before he broke up with me, not a single outing went by without me holding his arm. I was proud to be his girl. And then he tells me it's too late. It seems like a bs cop out to me.