the hope is smothering me

[k1380]

I know its stupid to hope he will contact me. My brain knows this, but I can't stop.

 

Long story short, he walked out while I was at work one night. No warning, no fight, just left a note saying he was sorry and he became something he's not. We never talked of it face to face or even in text. Texted him an offer to meet him to talk, to just say goodbye, anything, but he wouldn't accept. I sent a few texts telling him how disrespected I feel and that I honestly loved him. Then went NC that was a little over 3 weeks ago. I did see him out in town about 2 weeks ago but we did not speak. He smiled.

 

I keep thinking how indifferent he seems, and I can't even wrap my head around it. If he only meant HALF the things he ever said to me he has to be feeling something. He doesn't want to deal with it. He has always dodged negative emotions, he wont even watch scary or sad movies.

 

I shouldn't even WANT to hear from him. I know it. Sometimes I am so confident that it will catch up to him one day and I will get to have the conversation I was denied, that I can go about my day and trust in that.

 

Then I think about how I might not. I could be completely wrong and he honestly doesn't feel anything at all, is perfectly content never speaking to me again. That KILLS me.

 

Maybe it's my pride. I think I'm so good that I can't believe someone doesn't want me?

 

I need to accept that he's not coming back, I need to want him NOT to. I need to stop hoping for something that may never be. I hate this.

[youngnlove89]

I know its stupid to hope he will contact me. My brain knows this, but I can't stop.

 

Long story short, he walked out while I was at work one night. No warning, no fight, just left a note saying he was sorry and he became something he's not. We never talked of it face to face or even in text. Texted him an offer to meet him to talk, to just say goodbye, anything, but he wouldn't accept. I sent a few texts telling him how disrespected I feel and that I honestly loved him. Then went NC that was a little over 3 weeks ago. I did see him out in town about 2 weeks ago but we did not speak. He smiled.

 

I keep thinking how indifferent he seems, and I can't even wrap my head around it. If he only meant HALF the things he ever said to me he has to be feeling something. He doesn't want to deal with it. He has always dodged negative emotions, he wont even watch scary or sad movies.

 

I shouldn't even WANT to hear from him. I know it. Sometimes I am so confident that it will catch up to him one day and I will get to have the conversation I was denied, that I can go about my day and trust in that.

 

Then I think about how I might not. I could be completely wrong and he honestly doesn't feel anything at all, is perfectly content never speaking to me again. That KILLS me.

 

Maybe it's my pride. I think I'm so good that I can't believe someone doesn't want me?

 

I need to accept that he's not coming back, I need to want him NOT to. I need to stop hoping for something that may never be. I hate this.

 

 

It isn't your pride. It's the fact that someone just up and left you with no reason, no mercy and no love. That's a horrible thing to go through and I'm sorry that happened to you. What you are feeling now is your heart aching because you don't have that closure. Things just ended. Poof. Gone. Goodbye.

 

I'll tell you from my own experience that even when you have closure, it doesn't make the ride any more smoother. It just sucks being dumped. No matter how you are dumped. Period.

 

Spill your heart out on here. Write a letter to him, but don't send it. Get out of the house and find things to do that make you smile, even if it's only for a second. Feel your feelings, cry if you need to. It's okay to do that.

 

Your destiny is not tied to someone who walked away. He does not determine your happiness. Your happiness is in your own hands. You control the mind.

 

What a fool he is. A coward. A wimp. Do you want that kind of man in your life? Who just gives up? Who is scared to talk to you and end things the right way (as if there is ever a right way)? I hope not.

 

Stay strong. Put your shoulders back, chin high. And walk with confidence. Yes, he walked out of your life, but don't you dare let him back in. You deserve more than that and I hope you know that.

[k1380]

Thank you for the kind words. You are right, of course, I do not need him to be happy. Before he came along I had been single for 5 years; confident, and content with who I was. I didn't need anyone to make me happy. I just was.

 

I will get there again, I have to. I think maybe I'm just still in shock. I honestly thought he was the one, there wasn't a doubt in my mind. It also never once crossed my mind that I would lose him, especially not that way. Even now sometimes I catch myself saying, I can't believe it!

 

Its not even the fact I want him back. How could I take him back, short of him begging and agreeing to consoling, and that will NEVER happen. I just wanted the conversation I was denied.

 

In a way I want to tell him that I see all the issues he has that he doesn't even see. Not out of malice, but just to help him see he does need to work on those things. I shouldn't care enough to want to bother.

 

At least I can walk away knowing I didn't give up. I loved. I didn't run. He's the one who has to live with the fact that he left his dignity on the floor where he put that note.

[TearyEyedPride]

Ugh...I'm so sorry. I hate situations where you can't even get closure. In situations like this, I feel like as dumpees we'll never know what happened so we have to find ways past the questions, and the hope within. I'm not even sure if the dumpers themselves have all the answers, they just know a change had to be made in order to fill some void they feel within.

[siankat]

With your way of thinking you sound like you will get through this. And this forum is a great place to not go the darkest times completely alone....people here understand the pain you are going through..

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this..i echo younglove89's thought as he/she put it well...that is one tough way to break from someone. I have one thought to add though...i too recently split from the first guy i ever dated who i thought was the one. Some people, and this is no reflection on you, are masters in the art of deception, manipulation and lies (even to themselves). Where people usually satisfy their needs over their beliefs. If he truly felt nothing after professing a lot...you gotta wonder who was this guy really. It's like waking up from an amazing dream and wondering where that person went! They existed. For sure. I just think to do what he did, it won't have been the first time, this trait is not born overnight or specifically developed in reaction to you as a person. I have gained closure by speaking to exes of my exes who confirmed their traits that i could not deal with.

 

You will get the support from people here. I really feel for you.