Nearly a year no contact, suddenly miss Ex?

[fadedsunrise]

Hi guys, I'm new to the forum

 

A little about me: 22, female law student, constantly stressed these days between one deadline and another, avid photographer, cook, and workout enthusiast.

 

A little about Ex: 27, male personal trainer/martial artist/small business owner. Last I knew when we were still in contact, he was trying to start his own business.

 

A little about our relationship that was: Met 2010 fall, when I was there studying abroad. Were not going to get together at first, but he asked me out online when I returned, and against my better judgment I accepted. Dated long distance (no visits-poor student trying to get into law school and finance it and working guy who was getting paid decently for his field, but not nearly well enough to fly back and forth internationally) for about a year, broke up last January due to lack of visits, mostly.

 

Breakup was more or less mutual (someone had to bring it up(he did), yes, but we both agreed to the idea in the end).

 

My current issue:

1. We started out with low contact/declining contact immediately post breakup. While together we'd chat online a few times a week for a few hours, which became once a week, which became once every few weeks. By the time it hit the summer before this first year of law school for me, we hit no contact (ok, minus canned holiday greetings that each of us probably mass sent to everyone on our contacts lists).

 

2. It has been 8 or 9 months since we hit no contact. I honestly don't remember the last time we had a substantive conversation beyond "hello you're still alive out there?"

 

3. Recently, as of two weeks ago or so I've started to miss him, some days reaching the amount I would miss him when we were still together. Why is this?

 

4. I doubt this is more than superstition but: During our relationship I would often dream the same dream about chasing after him in some location, but never finding him. Since 2-3 weeks ago, I would actually dream about hanging out with him, face to face. One particularly gut wrenching dream was 3-4 days ago, when we were on a bus together in his city and I playfully lamented that I would only have 2 days to spend here. I remember clearly that he looked me in the eyes seriously, and said in a sad but grateful voice that "This is enough, more than enough". I woke up in a cold sweat and couldn't sleep properly after that.

 

Other relevant facts?

He lives in China and studied athletic training with a speciality in wushu in college. For some reason or another I have always been fascinated with wushu, and as of law school have started to pursue it as a hobby to reduce stress. That was probably the first problem in bringing memories of him back-most classes remind me of him, since he was my first teacher in the sport, so to speak. I refuse to stop doing it, however, just because of that-if I never met him I would find a way to practice wushu. Moreover, this fascination with wushu was what drew us together in the first place.

 

China, as you know in international news, is basically a ****-show, at least as far as American news portrays it. (I wouldn't actually know how much is true and how much is sensationalized). Dead pigs in rivers, ducks, avian flu, water and air pollution. I used to tell myself to not worry about him in the first months after we broke up, because it was not my business now whether he lived, died, or caught disease since we wouldn't know each other as ex's anymore.

 

This telling myself not to worry has not been working in recent weeks. I also suddenly have a strong urge to receive his validation for my improvements in wushu. Why the hell is this?

 

My question:

What would cause someone to miss an ex boyfriend that they haven't talked to in quite a while? I was/is still under the impression that outside of family, you don't miss friends unless its with romantic connotations.

 

I fervently want to move on with my life and date other guys, but is this normal to have relapses? Would it (god forbid) be actually ok to contact him? Does this mean I care about him beyond romantic connotations and we should try to establish a friendship?

 

Generally speaking, he has made more attempts at friendship than I have since we broke up. I did break down at the beginning of law school and say I missed him, once, but after that I made every effort to receive his advances as coldly and with as much distance as I can.

 

This is my first relationship/breakup, but I've been doing what I'm supposed to do right?

 

All input accepted, including flames of death. I've got no time to actually set up counseling appointments anyways =_=.

[Leegh]

I don't know. Eight or nine months is a long time and it isn't a long time, if you know what I mean. I do usually think after no contact for two or three months, is when it really, really starts to bother people. Have you started any new thing in your eating pattern, such as a new supplement, etc.? If you continue to think about him a lot, a friendly email may be the thing to do, he may be thinking about you as well.

[crimsoncurrent]

I think its interesting how you use the pronoun "we" when talking about your situation, like you and him are unified somehow. Don't know if that's just coincidental, or something more subconscious.

[siankat]

Hi, It is perfectly normal to have relapses and often depends on your current circumstances and what you want in life at this time. As you two did not stop seeing each other due to irreparable actions by one or the other, it is expected that if you feel the pull to be with someone, you would gravitate towards thinking about him. It seems he struck a deeper chord with you than usual.

 

So in answer to your question yes it is normal, and it depends on whether you want to get in touch with him to rekindle something or whether you want to daydream about him til you get distracted by other things again. I enjoy lots of memories including ones with my exes. Doesn't mean i would ever want to return to a relationship with any of them as i see it like reading a book, i already wrote that chapter and there is no point in rereading it and never turning the page. But sometimes it's a joy to reread some old passages.

 

Hope that made sense am tired

[siankat]

I don't know. Eight or nine months is a long time and it isn't a long time, if you know what I mean. I do usually think after no contact for two or three months, is when it really, really starts to bother people. Have you started any new thing in your eating pattern, such as a new supplement, etc.? If you continue to think about him a lot, a friendly email may be the thing to do, he may be thinking about you as well.

 

Interesting observations! That is where i am at now. The three month mark. Why do you think that is and have you noticed what is the turning point for people getting over a relationship? Thanks in advance

[fadedsunrise]

Oh wow, regarding the "we" thing I just read it over and didn't even realize it the first time. But I wrote the post in maybe 10 minutes flat before bed, so I didn't really try to go correct myself haha.

 

I think I did/do want to start over and have a friendship with him. I think I wanted it to stay like that in the first place so as to save myself the heartache of long distance, which is why I wrote that I got into the relationship against my better judgment.

 

But I think I took the course of no contact because everyone says to do so, that it's the only way to move on, and that I was also getting tired of having a "phantom" boyfriend.

 

I definitely DONT enjoy daydreaming about the memories. I either want to keep the platonic memories as the building blocks for a new friendship OR detach all emotional connection/care for him. This midway area is not desirable, and is frankly messing with my head. I thought no contact would be the best way to achieve option 2, detaching all emotional connection. Have I just not waited enough time for this to take effect?

 

I guess what I'm asking is:

1. Does it always end badly if you decide to keep an ex as a friend? Does the future partner always end up getting jealous, and does it really compromise your devotion to your future partner? There is no guy in the picture right now, but it would hurt more if I reestablished a friendship and had to cut it off again. I'd rather it just stayed cut off.

 

2. What kind of boundaries should be set on a friendship with an ex?