This is taking wayyy too long..kinda sick of it

[destroyed4sho]

It seems that many people on here have turned the corner and have moved on. I have been broken up for what it feel like ages and NC for 3.5 months? maybe more(aside from a message she initiated and I responded to)...I stopped counting bc its getting embarrassing.

I still think about the relationship and what went wrong no matter where I go or what I do. Normal after this looooooong?

Its looooooong time, CMON ALREADYYYYY, get over it! And I don't even want her back.

Get out of my HEAD you stupid ugly narcissistic bitch with no personality..GET OUTTTT.

 

Why hasn't the obsessing subsided? Anyone in my stage here still doing this? It seems everyone that was going through what I was when I joined has moved on...and I am happy for them. But why am I still stuck???

 

NA got his girl back (an anomaly on LS)

cav is over it

shilou got over it in like 10 days!!

calgary is with someone else

simon is out there talking to his ex father?

cv- happy with vengeance supposedly

others dont even write anymore bc they are prob over it.

destroyed- stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

 

I honestly don't want her back and the relationship was abusive and traumatic. I try to push thoughts out of my head but they sneak up on me. I did go out this weekend but then I crash the next day and get all anxious. I am not sure going out is the answer right now, it just feels lonely and empty, like something is missing. Sometimes the past seem like a bad dream then other times it feels like I am reliving day 1...so mixed up and up and down like I am bipolar.

 

I have passed the acceptance stage, which I thought was the last stage. But it isn't. I am still dwelling in what happened and the aftermath and even why its taking so long.

I can even say that I am indifferent. I don't care about her and if I ever see her or she contacts me I do not think it will affect me.

I think I am dealing with the aftermath....trying to figure it all out and nothing is making sense. And I still feel pain....is feeling the pain/hurt normal after the acceptance and indifference stage?

[CompleteFailure]

Even with all those peoples ups you mentioned its so depressing knowing that this kind of torture can endure after all those months. I find myself wishing more and more that I had some words or advice for people, but inside I'm f*cking broken. I'm sorry you still haven't gotten over your sh.t, at least it seems you're over her.

[Am4Real]

You're still in denial.

 

That's okay, this isn't a race...keep posting here and reading the stories of others.

[destroyed4sho]

@cf- You will get better, stay NC....your NOT a failure....the person that completely failed you is your ex.

[New2Love4Now]

You're not alone really. I can say that I'm pretty much indifferent to her now but I still replay the break up over and over and some of the stupid things I did/said that I really regret. I'm almost 3 months NC. As long it's getting better I don't think you should worry... I know that I'm not obsessing nearly as much as I was a month or two ago and that makes me feel better knowing that it can only get better.

 

I think our minds are so used to thinking about them and the breakup so it's going to take some time to re-adjust. Honestly I wouldn't even try pushing her out of your head, just let it happen on its own. By trying not to think about her you're just fueling the fire that you want to put out. Something that I like to tell myself sometimes is "whether I'm thinking about her or not, nothing will change. my thoughts will have no impact on reality or her thoughts so I may as well just think about other stuff". I hope this helps in some way, even if just to let you know you're not alone. Just relax and tell yourself that everything will be alright, because it really will be. Good luck man.

[na49]

Oh bullsh*t everyone has turned the corner and moved on..

 

Also, the way I see it, it doesn't matter how long you've been out of the relationship. You weren't doing any healing until you started NC. 3.5 months is NOTHING! It's not embarrassing, you're being too hard on yourself.

 

You'll seriously never get over this if you don't stop beating yourself up. Why does this have to be a race? Why is it that at 3.5 months NC you have to be completely healed and over the relationship? You don't! It takes time bud. Do you think it's easier to go ballistic because you're still thinking about her, throwing yourself on the floor and rolling around trying to stop thinking about her? Or maybe.. just have the thoughts of her and the relationship... and let them pass. They will pass. and then they'll come back.. and then they'll pass again.

 

I just wrote this in RiceaRoni's thread, but I feel like on LS there is some sort of criteria that people make up where it's like at a certain time after the relationship ends, you HAVE to be over it and if you aren't then there's something wrong with you. That's all horse crap! There's only something wrong with you if you're sitting inside by the phone, waiting for them to call while you look through old pictures and cry. There's no stages except maybe the stages of grief and anger from you is a good sign. Also once you pass a stage, it's possible to go back to that stage. It's not like "Okay.. done being angry about it. now I'll start accepting it.. aaaand now I'm done accepting it"

 

Take a night off, have a beer, watch some sports and cool it. You're thinking too much. (I'm guilty of doing this too but the best advice I got from my counselor is to just have the thoughts and let them pass instead of working yourself up over it)

[Am4Real]

All true.

 

"You'll seriously never get over this if you don't stop beating yourself up. Why does this have to be a race? "

 

 

Oh bullsh*t everyone has turned the corner and moved on..

 

Also, the way I see it, it doesn't matter how long you've been out of the relationship. You weren't doing any healing until you started NC. 3.5 months is NOTHING! It's not embarrassing, you're being too hard on yourself.

 

You'll seriously never get over this if you don't stop beating yourself up. Why does this have to be a race? Why is it that at 3.5 months NC you have to be completely healed and over the relationship? You don't! It takes time bud. Do you think it's easier to go ballistic because you're still thinking about her, throwing yourself on the floor and rolling around trying to stop thinking about her? Or maybe.. just have the thoughts of her and the relationship... and let them pass. They will pass. and then they'll come back.. and then they'll pass again.

 

I just wrote this in RiceaRoni's thread, but I feel like on LS there is some sort of criteria that people make up where it's like at a certain time after the relationship ends, you HAVE to be over it and if you aren't then there's something wrong with you. That's all horse crap! There's only something wrong with you if you're sitting inside by the phone, waiting for them to call while you look through old pictures and cry. There's no stages except maybe the stages of grief and anger from you is a good sign. Also once you pass a stage, it's possible to go back to that stage. It's not like "Okay.. done being angry about it. now I'll start accepting it.. aaaand now I'm done accepting it"

 

Take a night off, have a beer, watch some sports and cool it. You're thinking too much. (I'm guilty of doing this too but the best advice I got from my counselor is to just have the thoughts and let them pass instead of working yourself up over it)

[CompleteFailure]

There's only something wrong with you if you're sitting inside by the phone, waiting for them to call while you look through old pictures and cry.

 

FFS this me.

[destroyed4sho]

There's only something wrong with you if you're sitting inside by the phone, waiting for them to call while you look through old pictures and cry.

 

Ummm, well.....:o:o

[destroyed4sho]

Oh bullsh*t everyone has turned the corner and moved on..

 

Also, the way I see it, it doesn't matter how long you've been out of the relationship. You weren't doing any healing until you started NC. 3.5 months is NOTHING! It's not embarrassing, you're being too hard on yourself.

 

You'll seriously never get over this if you don't stop beating yourself up. Why does this have to be a race? Why is it that at 3.5 months NC you have to be completely healed and over the relationship? You don't! It takes time bud. Do you think it's easier to go ballistic because you're still thinking about her, throwing yourself on the floor and rolling around trying to stop thinking about her? Or maybe.. just have the thoughts of her and the relationship... and let them pass. They will pass. and then they'll come back.. and then they'll pass again.

 

I just wrote this in RiceaRoni's thread, but I feel like on LS there is some sort of criteria that people make up where it's like at a certain time after the relationship ends, you HAVE to be over it and if you aren't then there's something wrong with you. That's all horse crap! There's only something wrong with you if you're sitting inside by the phone, waiting for them to call while you look through old pictures and cry. There's no stages except maybe the stages of grief and anger from you is a good sign. Also once you pass a stage, it's possible to go back to that stage. It's not like "Okay.. done being angry about it. now I'll start accepting it.. aaaand now I'm done accepting it"

 

Take a night off, have a beer, watch some sports and cool it. You're thinking too much. (I'm guilty of doing this too but the best advice I got from my counselor is to just have the thoughts and let them pass instead of working yourself up over it)

There is no order of stages, or a straight line...its all zigzaggy and all over the place. But I KNOW for sure I am over her. I know I would never want her back, and I am pretty sure it is not denial.

I am overthinking this, its hard sometimes because even after I have realized there will be no answers and that this situation should be filed under unknown in my head, I always go back and open up the file again.

It so stupid, because there is no new information so there is nothing that can be analyzed.

[destroyed4sho]

All true.

 

"You'll seriously never get over this if you don't stop beating yourself up. Why does this have to be a race? "

 

Its not a race true but at the same time, this just can't take forever. I have to put an end to it soon. I don't think obsessing over anything is healthy.

[Echo000]

i understand where destroyed is coming from.

 

Tomorrow marks 3 months NC for me besides an email initiated by her (short reply saying thanks back by me), so we are almost exactly in the same boat.

 

I am growing stronger, but I too think about her and the break up every single day. Throughout each. and. every. day. Its hard man, i can totally relate to destroyed.

 

I think people above are right. Its not a straight path, and its different for everybody. I suffer often mentally because I feel absolutely ZERO closure over any of it. The NC ended with my ex saying "i am too hurt right now. will speak next..a week? a month? I just cant say".. idk if destroyed has closure.

 

Can anyone really have any closure over sh** like this though? I mean honestly.

[iouaname]

You're not really taking any steps to move forward at all! NC is a good place to start, but that's all that is - a start.

 

Here is what I did that helped: I made four overall "goals" for myself for the month of April. Whenever I am feeling depressed or thinking about what is going on, I look at those four goals (I text messaged them to myself ) and I pick one and do something in that very moment that will help me accomplish that goal. Then once May gets here, I'll make a new set of goals. This helps me because when I am thinking or dwelling on the past, I can shift my focus into doing something in the present that is looking towards the future - if that makes sense?

 

You WILL get through this. You just have to put the effort in!

[Echo000]

You're not really taking any steps to move forward at all! NC is a good place to start, but that's all that is - a start.

 

Here is what I did that helped: I made four overall "goals" for myself for the month of April. Whenever I am feeling depressed or thinking about what is going on, I look at those four goals (I text messaged them to myself ) and I pick one and do something in that very moment that will help me accomplish that goal. Then once May gets here, I'll make a new set of goals. This helps me because when I am thinking or dwelling on the past, I can shift my focus into doing something in the present that is looking towards the future - if that makes sense?

 

You WILL get through this. You just have to put the effort in!

 

To give us an idea of the types of goals once can set, can u tell us what your goals for april are?

[boblet]

I think I was reading in a post that the 3-4 month mark of NC is probably the most difficult because we really realize that they're not coming back and it's been a good amount of time and they don't want us back. I think that the feeling of rejection has a lot to do with it, and also just missing that person you related to so well at one point. One thing is, answers won't always be there and I don't think you ever completely understand why they did certain things etc., and it just seems unjust/unfair that you have all these questions but they can't do anything about that anymore since they aren't obligated... maybe that's where the angst and anxiety comes from

[Simon Phoenix]

I didn't actually meet with my ex's father if that makes you feel any better. But anyway, don't feel down -- it takes as long as it takes and there's no time limit/shot clock. I feel like you are putting too much pressure on yourself to move on and holding yourself back. Just relax and don't feel bad about it. Moving on is hard enough without you beating yourself up because you feel it's not happening fast enough.

 

Plus, I'm guessing a few of the people you named (hell, maybe even me, though I hope not) will have relapses.

[Am4Real]

You're missing the point of the poster.

 

The ideas of making intermediate goals is not one of a plan to fit everyone, it's the idea of giving you something to work for that might be slightly out of reach now, but attainable with focus.

 

You hear posters talk of getting into fitness and 'hitting the gym'. The goal might be to lose 5 lbs or attain a certain look over the next 4 weeks. The goals don't have to be lofty, they might be to read a certain number of books or see a certain number of movies. Try to make them things which will most likely be achieved with some focus.

 

Working on a goal keeps your mind focused. Attaining the goal makes you happy and more happy with each one you knock off.

 

You mind is focused on something other than the break up and you are becoming pleased with achievement all equals relief and 'moving on'. Want to make it even better on some goals? Have a friend team up with you to achieve one or two - make it a buddy goal.

 

Good luck.

 

 

To give us an idea of the types of goals once can set, can u tell us what your goals for april are?

[StraylightRun24]

There is a lot of wise advice/words of encouragement in this thread destroyed. As a previous poster said all of our BUs are unique and yours isn't any different. And by no means are you alone in getting sick and tired of thinking of the BU and your ex. I'm going to be 4 months post BU/NC at the end of the month and I feel like I'm stuck in a rut too! If you are familiar with my story I just want you to think of me the next time you are getting down on yourself for not being over her yet. My BU has been longer than the actual relationship (at least I believe it has....I stopped keeping track, which I guess is progress to some degree)!

 

So please do not feel embarrassed about not being over it yet! The lot of us on LS just take a lot longer to get over our broken hearts than others do. We tend to over analyze every aspect of the relationship and BU, hold onto hope much longer, beat ourselves up (most of the time unfairly I might add) for the BU, and have fears of never finding someone as "special" as our exs, and a whole lot of other "issues" , but I honestly feel this shows that we were in fact all truly in love with our ex's and that's a good thing!

[notsosuperman]

I get what you are saying. I got dumped in the end of september last year. I also stopped counting days/weeks after a couple of months.

I have her deleted from facebook, my phone, everything. I can't remember when I last checked her facebook.. I guess it was in november?

 

I am doing really good, and I think less and less of her. It is difficult for me, because I go to the same school as her, so I see her almost everyday. I try to avoid her as much as possible, but I still have had some situations where I bumped in to her, but I just kept walking without saying hi. It doesn't sting when I see her, it just kinda feels weird.

 

I have been ignoring since the day she dumped me, but there has not been one single day, where she has not been on my mind. It definitely has got a LOT less, but I am also getting a bit impatient..

Seriously, get out of my mind.

 

Because I haven't heard from her in the start of november, where she asked how I was doing and I was like really cold, I don't know what she is doing or who she is seeing and I don't care. But on the other hand, I just hope she has either found a new guy or is ****ing random guys. Dont' really know why.. But the thought of her being with other guys doesn't affect me at all. That's good I guess.

Edited April 16, 2013 by notsosuperman

[Simon Phoenix]

I texted my ex's father on his birthday. Well I texted her mom because I didnt have his cell number and there's been no response since 3 days now. So I guess i can take a hint. I just cant believe all that crap about me being like a son to them was just basically, crap. Oh humanity go fucckk yourself

 

Yeah, I never would have done that. We just happened to be in the same city about a week ago and there was a chance that my party was going to meet his. I wasn't going to do anything to initiate said meeting.

[mtnbiker3000]

Yes, a lot of good things in this thread. I mostly agree with these:

 

You have to take steps to aid the process. NC is just one part of it.

 

Recovery is NOT a race. Sometimes it appears as though everyone else is doing better/moving faster, but this is not really the case. And who cares if they are… but they aren't =)

 

Be patient and kind with yourself. Don't beat yourself up. It doesn't accomplish anything.

 

Set some attainable goals and follow through with them. Doesn't matter what they are, can be anything.

 

Try to stop analyzing. As you yourself mentioned, there is no new information and nothing changes. You are just moving in circles. Like a plane on a holding pattern above an airport with ice on the runway. You're not going up or down, just round and round. I've been here too. I am a very analytical person, and BU's are hell on us!!!

 

A break from LS can be good. As another poster mentioned, it's like watching the news. Nothing but pain and misery. I also noticed that it would give me new negative ideas/insights to the BU that I never even thought of before and create new ways to go crazy with thoughts and emotions.

 

FWIW - I envy you at 3 months NC, as I am only at 1 month. Granted, I was in LC for the two previous months and that was an entirely different kind of hell. Actually I think moving out and into my own, new place with a new set of routines as a single person helped a lot!!

 

With the help of LS, a therapist and lots of reading and research, I feel I have made a decent amount of progress in the last 30 days. I am now able to control my thoughts a little more. I just hope I don't crash back down in a day or two, but I probably will. The thing I am having the most trouble with right now is my own mind having it's way with me. Filling in gaps, assuming things I have no idea about and completely fabricating horrific scenarios. I wish I wouldn't do this any longer.

 

I am actually reading a Venus/Mars book by Dr Gray about surviving and moving on after divorce or a painful breakup. Very old book, but it does have some value. I especially like the last section (last 100 or so pages).

Edited April 16, 2013 by mtnbiker3000

[iouaname]

To give us an idea of the types of goals once can set, can u tell us what your goals for april are?

 

My goals for April are things that are specific to me and what I want to improve about myself and what I want to accomplish. I've made four for April, but two are pretty me-specific. The two that are more general are that I have decided to reach out to someone new every day, just in a friendly way. I go through my contact list on my phone or through my old text messages and text someone who I haven't spoken to in a while. I also want to raise my GPA to a specific number this semester. So when I am feeling down about my ex or when I find myself dwelling, I whip out my phone, look at my four goals and decide to do something towards one in that moment.

 

Hope that helps!

[Coping Vortex]

It seems that many people on here have turned the corner and have moved on. I have been broken up for what it feel like ages and NC for 3.5 months? maybe more(aside from a message she initiated and I responded to)...I stopped counting bc its getting embarrassing.

I still think about the relationship and what went wrong no matter where I go or what I do. Normal after this looooooong?

Its looooooong time, CMON ALREADYYYYY, get over it! And I don't even want her back.

Get out of my HEAD you stupid ugly narcissistic bitch with no personality..GET OUTTTT.

 

Why hasn't the obsessing subsided? Anyone in my stage here still doing this? It seems everyone that was going through what I was when I joined has moved on...and I am happy for them. But why am I still stuck???

 

NA got his girl back (an anomaly on LS)

cav is over it

shilou got over it in like 10 days!!

calgary is with someone else

simon is out there talking to his ex father?

cv- happy with vengeance supposedly

others dont even write anymore bc they are prob over it.

destroyed- stuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

 

I honestly don't want her back and the relationship was abusive and traumatic. I try to push thoughts out of my head but they sneak up on me. I did go out this weekend but then I crash the next day and get all anxious. I am not sure going out is the answer right now, it just feels lonely and empty, like something is missing. Sometimes the past seem like a bad dream then other times it feels like I am reliving day 1...so mixed up and up and down like I am bipolar.

 

I have passed the acceptance stage, which I thought was the last stage. But it isn't. I am still dwelling in what happened and the aftermath and even why its taking so long.

I can even say that I am indifferent. I don't care about her and if I ever see her or she contacts me I do not think it will affect me.

I think I am dealing with the aftermath....trying to figure it all out and nothing is making sense. And I still feel pain....is feeling the pain/hurt normal after the acceptance and indifference stage?

 

I'm happy with vengeance? LOL!! No I'm not, but it helped me realize I dodged a bullet. That being said I still get pangs of missing her every night. Sleep still alludes me from time to time. So don't feel like you are the only one. We all might be dealing with things a little better but that is because of time but I'm sure we still think and remember longingly about our past relationships. I still miss her greatly, but I also know I have reached a new state of somewhat acceptance. That being said not a FULL state but better state than I was in.

 

I'm sure we all don't throw a switch and are over our ex's. So I think we still go through what you are feeling to a degree. I guess in time we can get to full acceptance but even then there will always be things that remind us of our ex. In fact I have to drive by ex's old house every time I leave my neighborhood. Tough not to think of her even for a minute.

 

Hang in there everyone on this site that time is the key they are right on. It's the only thing we got.

[cavalier99]

I think youll be fine by summer. Just no more reading old journals or talking with her. Which happened recently, and was probably more of a setback than you think.

 

Strict NC and acomplish a few things like people mentioned. Sorry your having a rough time. Also stop thinking about it. Control your thoughts and emotions. Upping your emotional fortitude should be a goal. It was for me at least. Cav

[destroyed4sho]

I think youll be fine by summer. Just no more reading old journals or talking with her. Which happened recently, and was probably more of a setback than you think.

 

Strict NC and acomplish a few things like people mentioned. Sorry your having a rough time. Also stop thinking about it. Control your thoughts and emotions. Upping your emotional fortitude should be a goal. It was for me at least. Cav

 

how do you control the thoughts? my therapist keeps saying that...i am having a hard time with it.