CompleteFailure Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 I don't understand what my problem is. I see her making an effort to make things cool with us but knowing I can't have her drives me nuts. I know she chose this other guy, I know she is choosing him. She tells me there is no chance for us, ever. That there is a space in her heart for me but we can't be intimate and I still sit there and whine and cry and plead. I fought with her over the weekend and she said all this hurtful, truthful stuff just to piss me off or make me more depressed. In my head I was thinking I'm so over this, I'm leaving as soon as you go to take your shower. Than she starts trying to talk to me all sweet(such bullsh.t) its just so she can get control back in our conversation. Once she has that suddenly she just leaves the room and I can no longer build up the courage to leave. I start doubting myself and making excuses and telling myself how terrible I am. She apologized earlier I didn't let it go, she invited me to do something with her, I accepted but started up drama from earlier. I end up crawling back to her again until I get the control back but I STILL end up staying. I left a letter for her today and thought to myself if she doesn't contact me tonight this is it, DAY1 of NC for real this time. When I don't hear from her though, I start panicking. Like, am I really ready to do this? That letter is pretty final, I only have 10 minutes before she makes it home and reads it. I start to doubt what I've been telling myself all day and half hour after she normally calls me, I CAVE and end up calling her. I find out shes out with the other guy and she'll call me after. I just sit there like oh..okay.. I'll talk to you later than. Why do I keep making the same mistakes even though I've been told repeatedly that its over. Why can't I accept this fact and why do I continue to cling to that 0.0000000000001% of the chance that her relationship will fail and she'll come back. Why would I even want that? Why would she even want me after all this? FFS someone please give me a verbal beating. Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 I think you know the answer and you're wanting us to validate it for you, so here goes: the relationship is over, she is rejecting you, slowly mind you but nonetheless rejecting you. You have to come to terms with this rejection and see it for what it is. You cannot change it. You can only heal thyself and be proud of who you are and what you can give to the right person. Stop trying to save the wrong person, it's a waste of good energy and good loving capacity. You know what to do next, leave her alone and move on from this torture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 God damn though its so hard. Its like I have the ability to have something meaningful as long as I keep it a friendship. It works when my mind accepts its over but I keep slowly falling for her again. I end up saying and doing stupid sh.t that I never thought I would do as a human, as a man. I almost resort to blackmail and I think through her thoughts "like how could I have ever made the mistake of being with this man?" I hate knowing that she thinks that kind of stuff. I only ever wanted things to be good for the both of us. I say I want her to be happy but I can't stop my own selfishness. I keep telling myself this isn't me though, I wasn't always like this. I don't even know if that's true anymore. Am4 your words make sense logically. I just don't understand why even though I see the logic my actions continue to defy it. Short of tying myself up I don't know what to do. I know what I should do I just keep not doing it. I don't know if that makes any sense, I think there is something wrong with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!! Simply, you are denying this happening and questioning yourself, looking for answers within yourself. Ther will be no answers. What there is inside of you is love and you need to refocus this love not on your EX but on yourself. God damn though its so hard. Its like I have the ability to have something meaningful as long as I keep it a friendship. It works when my mind accepts its over but I keep slowly falling for her again. I end up saying and doing stupid sh.t that I never thought I would do as a human, as a man. I almost resort to blackmail and I think through her thoughts "like how could I have ever made the mistake of being with this man?" I hate knowing that she thinks that kind of stuff. I only ever wanted things to be good for the both of us. I say I want her to be happy but I can't stop my own selfishness. I keep telling myself this isn't me though, I wasn't always like this. I don't even know if that's true anymore. Am4 your words make sense logically. I just don't understand why even though I see the logic my actions continue to defy it. Short of tying myself up I don't know what to do. I know what I should do I just keep not doing it. I don't know if that makes any sense, I think there is something wrong with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 Am4 people on LS are so nice with words of encouragement. I appreciate you taking the time in my thread when others scare away. I honestly have mental issues though. Psychosis, schizophrenia I was diagnosed awhile back around the time I took leave from work. I eventually got fired because I wasn't keeping up. Now after this emotional trauma and bringing back some other past issues I've been stuck in this loop. I haven't gone to a psychologist cause I can't afford it and I don't want to go to a psychiatrist that just gives me the same prescription for anti-psychotics. I hear what you're saying about loving myself and taking care of myself. I just don't have any focus. I can stay on LS for hours at a time reading but when I don't know where to start with myself, my own life. I know this isn't the place for this but thank you for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
McGriff Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 I understand where you're at. You're human. The first step is the hardest. Stop pushing the button and getting hit in the head.create some space and get some control back. Link to post Share on other sites
destroyed4sho Posted April 16, 2013 Share Posted April 16, 2013 You need to STOP torturing yourself. If the thought of NC is so painful, start with LC first. Like start with texting only, then once a week and fade from there. You need to do this....you have to start sometime. Clinging on to someone that has moved on and dumped you is stressful and not healthy, mentally and physically. This is the ONLY way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted April 16, 2013 Author Share Posted April 16, 2013 I understand where you're at. You're human. The first step is the hardest. Stop pushing the button and getting hit in the head.create some space and get some control back. How? You need to STOP torturing yourself. If the thought of NC is so painful, start with LC first. Like start with texting only, then once a week and fade from there. You need to do this....you have to start sometime. Clinging on to someone that has moved on and dumped you is stressful and not healthy, mentally and physically. This is the ONLY way. I keep telling myself this but my body just won't listen. It sounds stupid but I have no control. You're right though, on the days I'm hurting its such mental and physical drain. The strange thing though is maybe tomorrow I'll be so exhausted that I'll be somewhat normal again. Until it cycles back around. LC/NC may work. I guess the problem is that I'm just clinging on so hard that its influencing any decision I make. Its like everything needs to be meticulously planned out so that I get some sort of win/advantage. Truth be told if I do LC/NC in my heart I only want to do it to get her back. Its so f*cked up. Anyone with any self respect would have dropped her long ago, but for some reason I keep assuming our relationship isn't like everyone's. It's really an unusual set of circumstances that allows us to stay this way and I end up thinking I'm f*cking myself over by getting too needy or if I go NC. I can't stop my brain from thinking and feeling that way towards her. I feel as though if I go NC she would really miss me but I can't even manage one week. Lately not even one night. Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 First y should your name be complete failure. Y do u kill urself. I have also messed up contacted my friend/girlfriend ? Even though she has said its over, i feel bad with myself but i still succeeded in two weeks nc and broke it i did another 2weeks and broke it becos she keeps writing tins lik miss u and all dat on her dp but it was a trick to see if i will react. I react and got humiliated and the pain is 10times greater than it was b4. It doesnt mean i will kill myself over it am only human. I fell in love. It didnt work now i have to move on. I will go nc now especially as i know we cant get back together in time am sure i will be better. So pls do the same Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 You do have control though. You just have to exert it. Delete her number from your phone right now. You can do it, you just choose not to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted May 4, 2013 Author Share Posted May 4, 2013 First y should your name be complete failure. Y do u kill urself. I have also messed up contacted my friend/girlfriend ? Even though she has said its over, i feel bad with myself but i still succeeded in two weeks nc and broke it i did another 2weeks and broke it becos she keeps writing tins lik miss u and all dat on her dp but it was a trick to see if i will react. I react and got humiliated and the pain is 10times greater than it was b4. It doesnt mean i will kill myself over it am only human. I fell in love. It didnt work now i have to move on. I will go nc now especially as i know we cant get back together in time am sure i will be better. So pls do the same The name is just a reflection of where I am in my own personal journey of life and me wanting to kill myself was because of the extreme depression I was feeling at said times. Thank you for your story and your encouragement. I've also flipped flopped with the NC and playing games and receiving deserved humiliation. I'm slowly getting stronger, and slowly seeing more possibilities and seeking more professional help. There just isn't a lot of free services out there that are immediate. It's really hard but I'm starting to look at the little positives all around. You do have control though. You just have to exert it. Delete her number from your phone right now. You can do it, you just choose not to. Unfortunately, I don't have the support system in place to do something so drastic. I choose not to because I still love her and I think subconsciously I'm making it easier for her to get over me. By being such a total imbecile it just helps her to move on faster and solidify her new relationship. Eventually she'll just be so involved with the other man, that she'll be the one to delete me. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Unfortunately, I don't have the support system in place to do something so drastic. I choose not to because I still love her and I think subconsciously I'm making it easier for her to get over me. By being such a total imbecile it just helps her to move on faster and solidify her new relationship. Eventually she'll just be so involved with the other man, that she'll be the one to delete me. This response makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. First of all, your ex isn't a support system, therefore your first point is completely irrelevant. And blocking/deleting her number prevents you from acting like an imbecile. You are acting more like an imbecile in contacting her than you would be by not contacting and deleting/blocking. I advocate deleting and blocking because you don't have the self-control apparently just to leave it alone. But yeah, your response is completely out of left field. Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 simon phoenix is right, I just texted ex agreed to breakup and wished her well. that is it if I could o without seein her for 1month then I can go on forever, I have decided to be strong. I am too much to drag myself in the mud. I don't have a support system too but I will support myself. please do same you can be strong. try and think which ever way you lose her so lose her with whatever dignity is left for you Link to post Share on other sites
reality_check Posted May 4, 2013 Share Posted May 4, 2013 Thanks for that story bro it really helped me out. I'm going through the same thoughts as you and situation. But the difference is I decided to tell her we need to take space and not contact each other. I've been telling myself every things my fault and 2nd guessing everything. Because it seems like I pushed her away and now shes getting closer to this dude. I also haven't heard from her in 2 weeks except a cold ass random email about a bill. But it seems like from your story whether you stick around or not their still going to just keep getting closer to these dudes regardless. So I'm not going to call her **** that I rather not hear from her and her keep getting closer to this guy then stick around and be in your situation of having it done in front of your face. PS this must be like a natural thing to start blaming yourself for things because I've never been that way in my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted May 5, 2013 Author Share Posted May 5, 2013 This response makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. First of all, your ex isn't a support system, therefore your first point is completely irrelevant. And blocking/deleting her number prevents you from acting like an imbecile. You are acting more like an imbecile in contacting her than you would be by not contacting and deleting/blocking. I advocate deleting and blocking because you don't have the self-control apparently just to leave it alone. But yeah, your response is completely out of left field. It makes no sense because you don't understand the situation in its entirety. My ex is a support system. I'm at the point where being an imbecile, dealing with the depression yet having support is better than being alone dealing with depression/anxiety not having any support or physical interaction, human communication. I totally agree though that doing what I'm doing is definitely not the right way to be handling things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted May 5, 2013 Author Share Posted May 5, 2013 simon phoenix is right, I just texted ex agreed to breakup and wished her well. that is it if I could o without seein her for 1month then I can go on forever, I have decided to be strong. I am too much to drag myself in the mud. I don't have a support system too but I will support myself. please do same you can be strong. try and think which ever way you lose her so lose her with whatever dignity is left for you Yea my dignity is pretty much gone the third time I left and went back. I'm trying to have the dignity to deal with the situation I put myself in and not cause too much trouble or guilt in the meantime. I try to keep my boundaries and not let her push me around too much or my buttons. It's not working out so well so I'm slowly just building up whatever it is I need to move forward with life in genera. That way I can be happy for the both of us when that time comes. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamsgone Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 it may sound simplistic but this is the only thing that really got me through the pain, You have to realize she is not what your clinging so desparately its who she we supposed to be. You got your heart and mind set that she is the one and made visions in your head about all your future plans but the truth is that could be anyone in her place. You just have to understand its not her you want its that bond and your scared you wont find it again but you will. Envision those dreams but take her out of the vision, it can still be all yours if you just understand this 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Am4Real Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 The point of this post is most accurate. We all long for the "connection" or for the memory of a series of "good times" we had experienced. Unfortunately, we also tend to imagine this person, our EX's as capable of handling all of life's challanges often forgetting they are flawed in some ways like everyone else. It is the degree and quantity of these flaws that distinguish each of us and have us willingly select our most appropriate partner. It is also these flaws we overlook when in heartbreak or emotional tailspin. Read most of the posts on this board if you don't belive that. There is page after page after page of posts talking about the good times and memories and what was supposed "to be". It is easy to prject your desires, but frankly they can be found in many persons if we allow time and circumstance to take us there. it may sound simplistic but this is the only thing that really got me through the pain, You have to realize she is not what your clinging so desparately its who she we supposed to be. You got your heart and mind set that she is the one and made visions in your head about all your future plans but the truth is that could be anyone in her place. You just have to understand its not her you want its that bond and your scared you wont find it again but you will. Envision those dreams but take her out of the vision, it can still be all yours if you just understand this 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Axee Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 CompleteFailure, I am also a person like you, I do not have any mental problems as such and I am good in all areas of my life, topper, earning well, etc etc But when it comes to someone I like, I have a serious issue where I am not able to let go..Unless the person at the other end pulls the plug. I lose all my dignity and self respect and keep on trying to contact them. Initially I thought this is particular to a specific individual love. But believe me, this has happened 3 times already with 3 different people. I am improved now and after I get a confirmed "closure" saying it will NEVER happen I am better . This led to me exhaustively searching for answers as to why I am like this in this relationship area alone. And i got some answers. This issue is not with her or your love for her..the issue is your 1.Your lack of self esteem. 2.Your fear of abandonment. 3.Its more like an addiction where you feel you cannot live without her. I would recommend you read some books about it, if you cant afford treatment. There are some online libraries. Electronic library. Download books free. Finding books is one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted May 6, 2013 Author Share Posted May 6, 2013 it may sound simplistic but this is the only thing that really got me through the pain, You have to realize she is not what your clinging so desparately its who she we supposed to be. You got your heart and mind set that she is the one and made visions in your head about all your future plans but the truth is that could be anyone in her place. You just have to understand its not her you want its that bond and your scared you wont find it again but you will. Envision those dreams but take her out of the vision, it can still be all yours if you just understand this I think it's more about who she has been. We've got so much history and I know a side of this person like no one else. The person she is now I've been with her as well, just along time ago. I do understand that I can find a similar bond with others and I am scared that I might not. I have envisioned a life by replacing her with someone else I find more attractive, smarter, more sophisticated, wealthier etc... The problem is deep down I made this vow long time ago that I would never leave this one and for some reason even though she's left me I still can't bring myself to break my own vow. It's so stupid. Maybe the problem is I've built up the love I have for her more than anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted May 6, 2013 Author Share Posted May 6, 2013 we also tend to imagine this person, our EX's as capable of handling all of life's challanges often forgetting they are flawed in some ways like everyone else. It is the degree and quantity of these flaws that distinguish each of us and have us willingly select our most appropriate partner. In this case I know my ex's limitations and flaws. I'm not looking at her through rose colored glasses. I am still consistently with her and am faced with those flaws on a constant basis but despite them, I still feel for her. Though as you've pointed out we select our appropriate partner based off the flaws we can live with and/or the ones we want to live without. Apparently I've got too many flaws for her. It is also these flaws we overlook when in heartbreak or emotional tailspin. Agreed, this did happen to me right in the beginning. it is easy to prject your desires, but frankly they can be found in many persons if we allow time and circumstance to take us there. Yea... it should be inspiring to know and I'll probably change my tune once I'm on the other side of the fence but I just feel so sad when I think about what I have to lose or have lost. Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted May 6, 2013 Share Posted May 6, 2013 Am awake right now thinking of ex so i understand your situatn. I know your pain i also made a vow that i will never leave her. When i reminded. Her of it she laughed it off it was sometin we both considered sacred. The fellow thar talked abt fear of abandonment i tink her is right. Pls what kind of treatment did you recieve, becos for now its only NC we know and it may not be enuf. I hope you see you not alone it might help you carry on Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted May 6, 2013 Author Share Posted May 6, 2013 CompleteFailure, I am also a person like you, I do not have any mental problems as such and I am good in all areas of my life, topper, earning well, etc etc But when it comes to someone I like, I have a serious issue where I am not able to let go..Unless the person at the other end pulls the plug. Could you not let go because of the 3 reasons you listed, or was it something else? Initially I thought this is particular to a specific individual love. But believe me, this has happened 3 times already with 3 different people. I am improved now and after I get a confirmed "closure" saying it will NEVER happen I am better . That's rough. It seems like we go about trying to win them back the wrong way. If we hadn't been so needy, desperate and clingy we wouldn't have needed them to put a final nail in it. That's probably where those things you listed plays a huge role. I think I've already gotten closure but for some reason I'm still around. I accept it one day and the next I talk myself back into being in love, maybe it's the guilt too? This led to me exhaustively searching for answers as to why I am like this in this relationship area alone. And i got some answers. This issue is not with her or your love for her..the issue is your 1.Your lack of self esteem. 2.Your fear of abandonment. 3.Its more like an addiction where you feel you cannot live without her. I would recommend you read some books about it, if you cant afford treatment. There are some online libraries. Electronic library. Download books free. Finding books is one. Yep, and 4. would be my commitment to her/us. 5. to want to break all conventional wisdom and defy all the laws set. Thanks for the resource. I've actually done a lot of my own searching and reading as well though it doesn't seem to matter how much more self aware I become, the problems don't just go away and I still haven't found it within me to move past them. The books and articles can only do so much, one really needs to be able to communicate with someone and use techniques to help work through the issues. Maybe it's a need for validation to be understood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CompleteFailure Posted May 6, 2013 Author Share Posted May 6, 2013 Pls what kind of treatment did you recieve, becos for now its only NC we know and it may not be enuf. I hope you see you not alone it might help you carry on I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I know how rough it is when they laugh in your face as if what you're saying is completely absurd. It's painful and humiliating. It wasn't crazy to them at the time they smiled and agreed or laughed because they were happy to hear those proclamations of everlasting love. My vow was internal though. I haven't been strong enough to go NC. If I did, I would be alone. No treatment other than a session with a counselor which helped me feel better for the rest of that day. Link to post Share on other sites
flight E Posted May 6, 2013 Share Posted May 6, 2013 thankx am sure you see there are worse situations than yours. I am in real pain; high anxiety levels and am forcing myself to go to work. in my parts in Africa it is particular embarrassin for a girl much younger to embarrass someone older. I think with more self awareness, we can actually beat the need to contact our exes. I don't feel like contacting her though I think of her, its not love am feeling now. it just anxiety and fear to get over this feeling. in short you not alone and you can win. you can actually walk away. I don't now how am going to do that but am sure that no matter how I feel, I will not let my self down again I will not contact someone that doesnot want me to contact them Link to post Share on other sites
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