i'm in an unsettling situation.

[vonfolly8]

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about 8 months ago and we haven't been on good terms, it's been a bumpy ride. We were together for almost 2 years. I know he loved me, and he was devastated, but he was emotionally abusive and never acted like he appreciated me. I don't see us getting back together and I wish we could have remained close, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen. He's gotten a new girlfriend since (his co-worker, just a month after we broke up) and they're pretty serious, but they've been on and off. Because he stopped talking to me around that time, I did something crazy and obsessive and made up a fake "person" just to be able to talk to him and to see what he was up to. I made it an attractive girl that lived near him. It got out of control, to the point where he was texting the "girl" every day, saying he wanted to be with her, even though he was still secretly involved with his gf. Finally I came clean about the situation after his gf ended up finding out and breaking up with him because of it. It was the most difficult thing i've ever had to do. Of course he was extremely angry and hurtful, saying that "this girl was his whole world and I f***** everything up for him." However, I question whether he really is better or not. From what I observed, he's lost all interest, dropped out of school, drinks heavily and started smoking pot and cigarettes (which was never his personality before) He also mentioned he was anorexic and he's been lying to his gf about other things as well. I know what I did was wrong, but my emotions made me act out of character. I just didn't want to accept life without him. He even bribed me, saying that he still loved me and that if I was able to get him and his ex back together, he'd continue to talk to me, but they've since gotten back together I believe, and I haven't heard anything. I know he's no good and I need to move on, but it seems impossible. I'm still heartbroken and lonely. I almost regret breaking up with him and wish we could have made things work, because now there's really no hope. I've tried distracting myself with activities, focusing on the negatives about him, etc. but that doesn't seem to work either. He was my first love. Is there something else I could do to try to get past this? I'm desperate.

Edited April 16, 2013 by vonfolly8

[CompleteFailure]

Do you feel bad about breaking them up or does it feel good?

[vonfolly8]

They're back together, but no, I feel terrible about it, and i'm humiliated.

[intrepid]

I see only one solution to this situation. Tell him the truth about what you did. When he asks you why, tell him that you are clinically insane.

[vonfolly8]

I told him the truth, i'm sure he already thinks that i'm psycho. Especially since he's visited me when I was in a psychiatric hospital for depression and anxiety.

[vonfolly8]

I posted this looking for advice and consolation, not just to hear that i'm "clinically insane." I guess I shouldn't have expected to hear anything good.

[Damaged23]

Look, if he's back with the girl there's nothing for you to do but move on. He's carrying on with his life and you should do the same. Like majority of people here suggest, go NC. Honestly, it is going to be hard, very hard but it is the best thing you can do.

 

You said this guy was emotionally abusive and did't appreciate you, do you really want that in your life? I don't think so. Best advice i can give is to gather some strength and let this guy go.

 

Best of luck

[CC12]

Is there something else I could do to try to get past this? I'm desperate.

 

I think you should try some therapy to get past this. I know people take offense when this is suggested, so I'll try to explain why I think therapy is necessary for you.

 

You said what you did was wrong and that you feel terrible about it, but do you understand that it was also like, a really ****ed up thing to do? You lied to him and manipulated him by, I assume, using your prior knowledge of his likes and dislikes when you created your fake character. You toyed with him.

 

I don't want to beat you down or make you feel worse, I just want you to realize how much deeper it is than "I hurt him." The bigger issue is that you actually had it in you to do this to another human being. So forget about him. It's done with him. Now you've got to work on this thing within yourself that made you do that. This should really be a wake up call for you.

[vonfolly8]

Of course I understand, it's not like i'm surprised. It's really the fact that he still continued to lead me on, even after it happened, made it even more confusing.

[CC12]

Of course I understand, it's not like i'm surprised. It's really the fact that he still continued to lead me on, even after it happened, made it even more confusing.

 

He led you on? How?

[vonfolly8]

By saying that he'd continue to talk to me if I got him and his ex back together. I even called her personally and explained why I did what I did, and that she should consider trying again with him if she makes him a happier, healthier person. Also that he still loves me and we might still have a small chance, etc. He's never told me directly to move on or leave him alone, I guess that's because he's afraid of hurting me, but I don't think he knows what he wants either. I need closure. And I don't want him to look back and think of me that way, because I never meant to be destructive.

[CC12]

By saying that he'd continue to talk to me if I got him and his ex back together. I even called her personally and explained why I did what I did, and that she should consider trying again with him if she makes him a happier, healthier person. Also that he still loves me and we might still have a small chance, etc. He's never told me directly to move on or leave him alone, I guess that's because he's afraid of hurting me, but I don't think he knows what he wants either. I need closure. And I don't want him to look back and think of me that way, because I never meant to be destructive.

 

I don't think that could be described as leading you on, though.

 

So he's never told you directly to leave him alone. Do you think that means it's still totally okay for you to keep contacting him? I think you'd be wrong.

 

Look, details aside, you created some **** (not all on your own, but still) and then you stepped in it and smeared it all over the room. The proper thing to do now is to clean off your shoes and stop stepping in ****.

[vonfolly8]

wow. No, I don't think it's okay. I haven't contacted him in a month. It sounds like you think i'm just an idiot who has no idea of what i've gotten myself into. Clearly I do, or I wouldn't be so distraught over this. This has been pointless. I feel even worse than I did before.

Edited April 16, 2013 by vonfolly8

[CC12]

wow. No, I don't think it's okay. I haven't contacted him in a month. It sounds like you think i'm just an idiot who has no idea of what i've gotten myself into. Clearly I do, or I wouldn't be so distraught over this. This has been pointless. I feel even worse than I did before.

 

Sorry I made you feel worse. My intent was to help, even if I said things you didn't like.

 

For the record, I don't think you're an idiot.

 

Good luck with everything.

[CompleteFailure]

They're back together, but no, I feel terrible about it, and i'm humiliated.

 

Gotcha. I guess I won't be trying this strategy...

 

For your original query. How do you get past this? I'd probably listen to the others advising No Contact.

 

You broke up with him, broke his heart(granted he was abusive) Than you inadvertently broke him and his new girlfriend up. That's like kicking him in the nuts... twice.

 

I can sympathize with you if you're still in love with him/love him but with what you've done I wouldn't be getting my hopes up for him coming back. If you really wanted to press your luck you could just repeat the same mistake to bait him into talking to you again, though I'd think you've already learned that lesson.

[ThatJustHappened]

Are you still in therapy? I'm not saying that in a nasty or a mocking way..I truly think you need and will benefit from it.

 

I'm sorry you're finding things to be so difficult right now but with the right treatment, you will be ok. Hugs.

[justletgo07]

I personally think that people are jumping the gun a bit with all of the therapy talk, and I don't know that there is a point to arguing with you about whether or not he lead you on. I get the impression that this may be because you come off as the dumper in this relationship, and I think this forum can sometimes be a weeeee bit jumpy when dumpers come on and post.

 

As you acknowledged yourself, you chose an unhealthy way to try and deal with a difficult situation, and it backfired on you. I'm sorry this happened, and even if it wasn't the best choice, I think plenty of people here can understand why you did. Break-ups are really hard, especially break-ups with people who maybe didn't treat us as well as they should have. Both the dumper and the dumpee can walk away from these situations with very frayed emotions, and sometimes in an attempt to gain some sort of control in a situation that feels so out of control, we do irrational or manipulative things. We've all been there, and to be honest, what you did isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's pretty small potatoes as far as I'm concerned. You may look back on this in the future and laugh a bit.

 

As to your question about what to do, it seems that your ex is in a pretty emotionally unstable place. And he also doesn't seem like he's in a good place to be faithful or a healthy participant in a relationship. I know you care deeply for him, but your priority right now needs to be your own healing. You can't really be there for him right now, and you also can't make yourself feel responsible for his choices or his behavior. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself, your emotions, and your healing. At this point, that likely means stepping away for a bit (NC), and reapproaching the situation when and if you have established some emotional distance and are able to be in contact without getting hurt or reacting in ways that might be hurtful to him.

 

These sorts of high-emotion situations are always the hardest to walk away from, but I think it's honestly the best thing you can do. Resist the urge to talk about it more with him, or to apologize more or seek further apologies. You're hurting because he has taken some of the control from you in making it appear as though he wants to be with someone else, and its understandable that it hurts. You're obviously a good person, with a good head on your shoulders, and I think you should be strong and patient and step back from this for now.

[siankat]

I personally think that people are jumping the gun a bit with all of the therapy talk, and I don't know that there is a point to arguing with you about whether or not he lead you on. I get the impression that this may be because you come off as the dumper in this relationship, and I think this forum can sometimes be a weeeee bit jumpy when dumpers come on and post.

 

As you acknowledged yourself, you chose an unhealthy way to try and deal with a difficult situation, and it backfired on you. I'm sorry this happened, and even if it wasn't the best choice, I think plenty of people here can understand why you did. Break-ups are really hard, especially break-ups with people who maybe didn't treat us as well as they should have. Both the dumper and the dumpee can walk away from these situations with very frayed emotions, and sometimes in an attempt to gain some sort of control in a situation that feels so out of control, we do irrational or manipulative things. We've all been there, and to be honest, what you did isn't the worst thing in the world. In fact, it's pretty small potatoes as far as I'm concerned. You may look back on this in the future and laugh a bit.

 

As to your question about what to do, it seems that your ex is in a pretty emotionally unstable place. And he also doesn't seem like he's in a good place to be faithful or a healthy participant in a relationship. I know you care deeply for him, but your priority right now needs to be your own healing. You can't really be there for him right now, and you also can't make yourself feel responsible for his choices or his behavior. The best thing you can do is focus on yourself, your emotions, and your healing. At this point, that likely means stepping away for a bit (NC), and reapproaching the situation when and if you have established some emotional distance and are able to be in contact without getting hurt or reacting in ways that might be hurtful to him.

 

These sorts of high-emotion situations are always the hardest to walk away from, but I think it's honestly the best thing you can do. Resist the urge to talk about it more with him, or to apologize more or seek further apologies. You're hurting because he has taken some of the control from you in making it appear as though he wants to be with someone else, and its understandable that it hurts. You're obviously a good person, with a good head on your shoulders, and I think you should be strong and patient and step back from this for now.

 

I agree with the above poster. I was surprised how many people jumped on you here chastising you for what you did when he was the manipulative lying cheating one.

[vonfolly8]

Well regardless, we were both in the wrong. We've done enough damage so I think that NC is essential. I sent him this message on Facebook last month a little while after it happened and that's the last time i'll try to contact him.

 

 

"I wasn't sure if it was a good idea to text you or not, I just wanted to see if you guys were able to work something out yet. If not, well I really hope you still can. I'm ashamed and devastated and this won't leave me for a long time. It was my own sick and twisted way of trying to hold on to you and part of my refusal to let go. I'm sure you don't even want to hear this stuff right now, but I PROMISE I'll move on. You know that I don't want to, but we can't continue with this type of behavior. Unless you object and think that there's another possible solution, but I highly doubt that you would want to after this. I don't think that i'm being selfish. I tried to listen and help comfort you but I'm still allowed to hurt. You said you finally found love and happiness and I went and f***** that up for you, as if I didn't do enough before. I really hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. I don't know if i'll hear from you again, so I guess there's really nothing else I can say except that I wish nothing but the best for you. Also, that I'll never stop loving or caring about you."

 

 

 

I'm really not satisfied with what I said, but I guess it's too late to make any changes. Thanks everyone for your advice, it's all been useful.