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Really beating myself up today.


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westjames111

It's been over 2 months since she left me for another guy, and emotionally cheated on me. I have had no contact for 4 weeks now and I have slowly been recovering ever since, but this week I have had an overbearing feeling of guilt. I keep having flashbacks in my head about all the bad things I did in the relationship. I mean nothing major "abusive/cheating" or anything like that, I was actually very faithful in our relationship. It's other things like arguments, or me not being as affectionate as I should of been. She always said that I didn't show her enough love even though I drove 3 hours every weekend to see her for 2 years. I kind of feel like I was a jerk at times and did things that I now regret.

 

For some reason I keep thinking about her leaving me and it all coming back to me and being my fault. Even though she cheated on me I feel like the bad person.. I don't think this is normal but for all I know its just part of the healing process.

 

Anyone have any input, or experienced this?

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Everyone makes mistakes man. She left you for another person, so what are you left with? You are left with yourself. Accordingly, you need to start loving and respecting yourself. Forgive yourself for what you think you did wrong in the relationship, and hold the lessons you learned close to your heart.

 

I know from personal experience that I learned a great deal from my mistakes after I got chucked to the curb. All I want to do is use those lessons to have a better relationship with my ex, but I know that just won't happen in reality. Forgive yourself, and know that you can do better for the next person you love.

 

On a side note, the fact that she is the cheater should make it easier for you to forgive your own mistakes. The things you described you have done wrong can be talked about, but I feel like cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

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westjames111

 

On a side note, the fact that she is the cheater should make it easier for you to forgive your own mistakes. The things you described you have done wrong can be talked about, but I feel like cheating is the ultimate betrayal.

 

 

Yeah I can see my mistakes now, and though they all were "mistakes" they were things that I could/should of worked on. They were all minor mistakes that could of been talked about or worked out over time. I really wish I could go back not to salvage the relationship, but to fix the mistakes so I dont feel as bad now.

 

You are right though about the cheating. I always told myself if someone cheats they always are going to cheat. I guess I am just lucky that it happened before we were married or had kids. I think that she had emotionally cheated on me more than once anyway back when we first started dating. It especially hurts that the person she left me she was introduced to by me. My friends say I shouldn't feel bad about anything because what she did to me was a lot worse.

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CompleteFailure

My current situation is kind of similar to yours, I feel the same type of regret/self blame. I think what you should realize though is that she has her faults and half if not more of the blame falls squarely on her shoulders.

 

At the end of the relationship where she starts blaming you for anything is probably just her trying to justify her own actions of infidelity. We try to make sense of everything using our logic and eventually we convince ourselves what we're being told must have some truth to it. In combination with our emotions and chemical fluctuations, all of this gets amplified to the point where we start believing we could have fixed things if this, if that. We couldn't because our partner didn't want to.

 

Every relationship has mistakes, that is normal.

 

"I really wish I could go back not to salvage the relationship, but to fix the mistakes so I dont feel as bad now."

 

Feel good that you have this positive attitude of not caring about fixing the past but about bettering yourself for the future.

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Listen. She cheated on you..do you know what cheating is when translated into words. This is what cheating "says":

 

I do not love you, because someone who loves another person does not betray them. I do not respect you, and find it okay to go behind your back and break your trust in me. You are not good enough as you are, so I will find something on the side.

 

Are you perfect- no sir. You make mistakes? Yes sir, I am sure you did. But you better get one thing straight- YOU are a HUMAN BEING and NO ONE should ever betray you like that. Not okay man. Does not mean you arent going to miss her, nor does it mean your mind will be at peace.

 

But you know what? It should give you the STRENGTH and RESOLVE to move forward, because this girl showed you something really ugly. And that ugliness cannot/will not ever be forgotten.

 

Do. Not. Forget. That.

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westjames111
Listen. She cheated on you..do you know what cheating is when translated into words. This is what cheating "says":

 

I do not love you, because someone who loves another person does not betray them. I do not respect you, and find it okay to go behind your back and break your trust in me. You are not good enough as you are, so I will find something on the side.

 

Are you perfect- no sir. You make mistakes? Yes sir, I am sure you did. But you better get one thing straight- YOU are a HUMAN BEING and NO ONE should ever betray you like that. Not okay man. Does not mean you arent going to miss her, nor does it mean your mind will be at peace.

 

But you know what? It should give you the STRENGTH and RESOLVE to move forward, because this girl showed you something really ugly. And that ugliness cannot/will not ever be forgotten.

 

Do. Not. Forget. That.

 

 

Thanks for this! So true!

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For some reason I keep thinking about her leaving me and it all coming back to me and being my fault. Even though she cheated on me I feel like the bad person.. I don't think this is normal but for all I know its just part of the healing process.

 

Anyone have any input, or experienced this?

 

I know exactly how you feel. My now ex girlfriend emotionally cheated on me with her ex and they were doing alsorts together on webcam over the Internet. Sexual things. It was going on for a couple of months. I now feel like the bad guy as I'm the one that dumped her. The painful thing is, she doesn't know that I know about her cheating so I'm definitely made out to be the bad guy.

 

We tried being friends afterwards and only yesterday I told her we can't go on as friends and she doesn't understand why. We're 23 now and we've known eachother since we were 14 so letting go of her is immensely painful.

 

Easier said than done but try not to feel like the bad guy. It only grinds you down. You're definitely not alone in the way you are feeling. Chin up my friend, onwards and upwards!

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westjames111
I know exactly how you feel. My now ex girlfriend emotionally cheated on me with her ex and they were doing alsorts together on webcam over the Internet. Sexual things. It was going on for a couple of months. I now feel like the bad guy as I'm the one that dumped her. The painful thing is, she doesn't know that I know about her cheating so I'm definitely made out to be the bad guy.

 

We tried being friends afterwards and only yesterday I told her we can't go on as friends and she doesn't understand why. We're 23 now and we've known eachother since we were 14 so letting go of her is immensely painful.

 

Easier said than done but try not to feel like the bad guy. It only grinds you down. You're definitely not alone in the way you are feeling. Chin up my friend, onwards and upwards!

 

Thanks man! You should probably let her know that you know about it though. I don't know your situation but it might help you fell better.

 

I am working on feeling better. I just hate myself sometimes for some regrets but who doesn't.

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Dude.... If she left you for another guy then.. there's nothing you can do..

take me for instance ex left me for another girl.. HE emotionally cheated on me as well as physically..

I have not been with anyone since and I find it extremely hard to even fathom being with someone else..

YOU need to know you both deserve to be happy, despite what you did wrong or what she did wrong.. it takes two two tango, you not being emotionally capable of giving her the affection she wanted, My ex had that problem.. Its literally a "guy" thing so its understandable, no guy loves to cuddle for hours on end...

Point.. YOU both deserve to be happy, if you feel that you love her and you have regret towards your actions. Then tell her that. Share with her how she emotionally hurt you, she betrayed you. TELL her because you need closure. YOU need to have her give you justification for her actions. Tell her.

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westjames111
Dude.... If she left you for another guy then.. there's nothing you can do..

take me for instance ex left me for another girl.. HE emotionally cheated on me as well as physically..

I have not been with anyone since and I find it extremely hard to even fathom being with someone else..

YOU need to know you both deserve to be happy, despite what you did wrong or what she did wrong.. it takes two two tango, you not being emotionally capable of giving her the affection she wanted, My ex had that problem.. Its literally a "guy" thing so its understandable, no guy loves to cuddle for hours on end...

Point.. YOU both deserve to be happy, if you feel that you love her and you have regret towards your actions. Then tell her that. Share with her how she emotionally hurt you, she betrayed you. TELL her because you need closure. YOU need to have her give you justification for her actions. Tell her.

 

 

Oh trust me I told her several times at the beginning of all of this. I guess I really shouldn't worry about it anymore as she completely blew it off. She really made the whole thing out to be my fault.

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