How do you force yourself to stop

[KS11]

I know I only have myself to blame and i've done all the things you shouldnt do, but I keep doing them!

 

Stupidly, I met up with my 'ex' after she got in contact after 6 weeks NC. I just figured that maybe something had changed, else why would she speak to me. To be honest, when I heard from her, I was so glad. The whole time during NC I felt like I was getting worse, not better.

 

Anyway, the end result was yesterday, me asking her to tell me straight up..with no 'not sures'/ 'don't knows'..that she can't see us together. Over the 3 years of knowing her, she's hurt me pretty bad..but hearing that from the person you love more than anything just killed me.

 

One of the reasons she said it didnt work before was that I wasn't tactile or forward enough with her. She knows that i've never had sex before. Which i've said before is something that im so ashamed of. But yesterday, she then said, maybe we should just have sex, then you'll realise its not this big deal, and it might make things better between us. At the time, I didnt really know what to make of it. Still dont. Maybe that would have been a good idea?

 

Regardless, im now back to square 1. And this time its so much worse. I don't think I handled it well yesterday. I should have just accepted it, but instead I kept trying to find something to cling to. And even now I just want to reach out again.

 

I just dont know how to force myself to give up her. She means everything to me. I just want another chance.

[McGriff]

I highly recommend the sex thing...

[KS11]

Genuinely? I think it might create even more problems?

 

I know this must sound crazy to most, if not everyone..beautiful girl suggesting it. But the thing is, say it did happen. I still doesnt mean I would get to be with her. And thats all I want. Dont get me wrong, I thought how amazing it would be daily..but I could just see it happening and she would then turn around and say 'well, we tried'..still dont feel what you feel. Then im in a whole new world of sh*t.

[KS11]

The other thing is, I want her to want to, out of her own feeling, not because she 'pities' me.

[McGriff]

Well lets look at it this way...there are 4 possible scenarios:

 

1. You have sex with her and she breaks up with you anyway.

 

2. You have sex with her and you guys get back together.

 

3. You don't have sex with her and you guys breakup. (Where you are now)

 

4. You don't have sex and she decides she wants to get back together.

 

 

So number 4, is HIGHLY unlikely, because you haven't consummated your relationship (how old are you guys anyway?)

 

You are already at number 3, and how's that working for you?

 

That leaves option 1 and 2, and whether she stays with you is not in your control. Soooooo, it's time to get your groove on.

[KS11]

Yeah very true. Im 24, shes 26.

 

Problem is now, i'm not even sure its an option. I sent one too many messages after I left and didnt get a response, so i guess she doesnt want to try anything.

[KS11]

See now I think i've made another massive mistake by not saying yes at the time.

 

I don't know whether I should send one last message to say that? The problem is now this is going to be something I will regret forever now..

[CopingGal]

Never have sex because you are afraid of losing someone. You seriously need to let this go and go one with your life. Go full NC.

[Jono85]

See now I think i've made another massive mistake by not saying yes at the time.

 

I don't know whether I should send one last message to say that? The problem is now this is going to be something I will regret forever now..

 

 

dude don't take this too personally, b/c we've all been there. love does some crazy things to us guys. but you're coming off very needy and insecure, and undoubtedly girls have a great sense for this kind of stuff, and is probs 100% the reason she's not attracted to you anymore. again, we've all gone through it, every guy, some of us don't seem to learn/grow and always repeat the same needy behaviours over and over in all failed relationships. bottom line though is you need to respect yourself a lot more. you obviously have reasons for not having sex yet, and that's ok. don't let some girl compromise your values, and stop being so confused/unsure of things, that's supposed to be a woman's trait. be firm, and decisive. tell her straight up (if this is how you feel) something like 'honestly i want to have sex with you, but now that you've dumped me you kind of lost my trust so there's no point'. and just move on from her.

 

curious as to the reason you haven't had sex yet, morals/beliefs?

 

but yeah don't have sex with her just to see if she'll want to be with you again. that's bs. and it might end up hurting you a LOT more if she leaves you. save it for the next girl.

 

also a sure-fire way to kill a girls attraction to you is to text/call her too much or when she hasn't responded. very needy behaviour.

Edited April 13, 2013 by Jono85

[thefooloftheyear]

But yesterday, she then said, maybe we should just have sex, then you'll realise its not this big deal, and it might make things better between us. At the time, I didnt really know what to make of it. Still dont. Maybe that would have been a good idea?

 

.

 

I see this a lot on here...What is it with women who break up, dont want you, yet have sex with you??

'

Its a stupid idea, by someone who is a confused little girl...Just move on...

 

TFOY

[CompleteFailure]

See now I think i've made another massive mistake by not saying yes at the time.

 

I don't know whether I should send one last message to say that? The problem is now this is going to be something I will regret forever now..

 

Relax a moment. Make plans to meet up. When you meet up, just say straight to her face that you thought about what you guys talked about and that "I want to f*ck you". Use those words and mean it. Don't talk about other nonsense, and don't try to make it sound sweet like make love or something. You called because you want to f*ck her.

 

If she rejects you, just move on. If not, as someone else said, "get your groove on".

[CompleteFailure]

You want her to talk to you? Try sending a message like, "YO B!TCH!". That's it, now wait. She's either mad or curious why you're acting like such a prick. She'll probably send some bull like "hey what's your problem?" or "how dare you..." or "I'm not a bitch". From there just say "hey lets meet up". If she asks why, just tell her you want to show her something... *wink*

 

**Please note I am not a professional at anything. Any advice you choose to take of mine risks you getting kicked in the nuts and/or heart. I will not be held liable for any physical and/or emotional injury caused to you.**

[KS11]

dude don't take this too personally, b/c we've all been there. love does some crazy things to us guys. but you're coming off very needy and insecure, and undoubtedly girls have a great sense for this kind of stuff, and is probs 100% the reason she's not attracted to you anymore. again, we've all gone through it, every guy, some of us don't seem to learn/grow and always repeat the same needy behaviours over and over in all failed relationships. bottom line though is you need to respect yourself a lot more. you obviously have reasons for not having sex yet, and that's ok. don't let some girl compromise your values, and stop being so confused/unsure of things, that's supposed to be a woman's trait. be firm, and decisive. tell her straight up (if this is how you feel) something like 'honestly i want to have sex with you, but now that you've dumped me you kind of lost my trust so there's no point'. and just move on from her.

 

curious as to the reason you haven't had sex yet, morals/beliefs?

 

but yeah don't have sex with her just to see if she'll want to be with you again. that's bs. and it might end up hurting you a LOT more if she leaves you. save it for the next girl.

 

also a sure-fire way to kill a girls attraction to you is to text/call her too much or when she hasn't responded. very needy behaviour.

 

The reason I haven't isn't to do with any religious belief. The main thing reason I think is a mixture of self-loathing, anxiety etc. think im just fu*ked up. I've had opportunities in the past, and part of the reason I havent is that I did want it to matter. Which is why letting her go is so hard.

 

I feel like i've tried to overcome all these insecurities in myself, by talking to her about them, by confiding in her. I would never have done that in the past, but I felt I could trust her enough too. But now i've lost her, I just feel like what was the point. I should have just kept it to myself.

 

Maybe you're right about the sex thing. My biggest fear is that if I were to do it, and like you say, she turns around and still says the same i'd be left with nothing. On the flipside, it keeps playing on my mind that maybe it would just unlock all the issues I had and in doing so I would become more forward with her.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. It makes my own skill crawl to think that I must be this unattractive to someone. That she would have to suggest that as the only way it would happen. I've never felt this low, like I want to escape being me.

[CorridorE]

The reason I haven't isn't to do with any religious belief. The main thing reason I think is a mixture of self-loathing, anxiety etc. think im just fu*ked up. I've had opportunities in the past, and part of the reason I havent is that I did want it to matter. Which is why letting her go is so hard.

 

I feel like i've tried to overcome all these insecurities in myself, by talking to her about them, by confiding in her. I would never have done that in the past, but I felt I could trust her enough too. But now i've lost her, I just feel like what was the point. I should have just kept it to myself.

 

Maybe you're right about the sex thing. My biggest fear is that if I were to do it, and like you say, she turns around and still says the same i'd be left with nothing. On the flipside, it keeps playing on my mind that maybe it would just unlock all the issues I had and in doing so I would become more forward with her.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. It makes my own skill crawl to think that I must be this unattractive to someone. That she would have to suggest that as the only way it would happen. I've never felt this low, like I want to escape being me.

 

If you were waiting because you really wanted it to matter, don't sleep with her. Waiting so that it really matters is a good thing; don't let her try to show you otherwise. And if the entire relationship you were waiting to makie it special, well, it's very unlikely you will get back together just because you two have sex so it won't mean a thing and will end up making you feel worse... Then you'll have a new connection with her and a new memory that will be harder to break free of if you are still in love with her.

[CompleteFailure]

Or you could have a new memory of you taking action regardless of the outcome.

 

Isn't that one of the things she thought you were lacking? Not taking the initiative and not being dominant in your relationship with her? Well here's your chance to do that.

[Jono85]

The reason I haven't isn't to do with any religious belief. The main thing reason I think is a mixture of self-loathing, anxiety etc. think im just fu*ked up. I've had opportunities in the past, and part of the reason I havent is that I did want it to matter. Which is why letting her go is so hard.

 

I feel like i've tried to overcome all these insecurities in myself, by talking to her about them, by confiding in her. I would never have done that in the past, but I felt I could trust her enough too. But now i've lost her, I just feel like what was the point. I should have just kept it to myself.

 

Maybe you're right about the sex thing. My biggest fear is that if I were to do it, and like you say, she turns around and still says the same i'd be left with nothing. On the flipside, it keeps playing on my mind that maybe it would just unlock all the issues I had and in doing so I would become more forward with her.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. It makes my own skill crawl to think that I must be this unattractive to someone. That she would have to suggest that as the only way it would happen. I've never felt this low, like I want to escape being me.

 

ok then new question. if you loved her so much, and you confided in her, and she meant the world to you as you're saying, and you don't have any religious beliefs about not having sex before marriage or anything, then why didn't you have sex with her during your relationship? maybe she's right that you not wanting to have sex with her kind of puts her off in the sense that it hurts her ego a bit or something b/c it sounds like you don't have any real good reasons as to not, so maybe she just got frustrated with it, and waiting around for it, and bolted.

 

if you trust her, confide in her, etc etc, then anxiety about it shouldn't matter. it's your first time, she should understand that if she cares for you a lot. you should feel comfortable enough to want to try with her. that doens't mean you won't get anxious while doing it. we all do. hell i still do with new girls. it's normal. you also will likely suck...who cares. but if she loves you and you love her, i don't see a reason that you held back.

 

that being said, you're put in a tough spot now b/c you likely lost some trust with her and if you DO have sex with her there's no guarantee she won't beak your heart and still not want a relationship. but it sounds like you're already hurting and will have to heal/move on, so it might actually not be the worst idea to do it with her, to sort of get it out of the way, worst case scenario you still have to move on, best case, it eases your anxieties about sex, you want more sex, and you guys continue in your relationship but just with lots of sex! lol

Edited April 14, 2013 by Jono85

[KS11]

ok then new question. if you loved her so much, and you confided in her, and she meant the world to you as you're saying, and you don't have any religious beliefs about not having sex before marriage or anything, then why didn't you have sex with her during your relationship? maybe she's right that you not wanting to have sex with her kind of puts her off in the sense that it hurts her ego a bit or something b/c it sounds like you don't have any real good reasons as to not, so maybe she just got frustrated with it, and waiting around for it, and bolted.

 

if you trust her, confide in her, etc etc, then anxiety about it shouldn't matter. it's your first time, she should understand that if she cares for you a lot. you should feel comfortable enough to want to try with her. that doens't mean you won't get anxious while doing it. we all do. hell i still do with new girls. it's normal. you also will likely suck...who cares. but if she loves you and you love her, i don't see a reason that you held back.

 

that being said, you're put in a tough spot now b/c you likely lost some trust with her and if you DO have sex with her there's no guarantee she won't beak your heart and still not want a relationship. but it sounds like you're already hurting and will have to heal/move on, so it might actually not be the worst idea to do it with her, to sort of get it out of the way, worst case scenario you still have to move on, best case, it eases your anxieties about sex, you want more sex, and you guys continue in your relationship but just with lots of sex! lol

 

I think the reason I did't have sex with her is partly to do with how our relationship went from start. Very long story short. We were friends for a long time before anything happened. It took me ages to tell her that I had fallen for her. And even once I did, it still took months before she thought she felt something more herself.

 

I can't blame her for that. At all. But in the same breath, there was always this thing in the back of my head that because she was on the fence for so long, i've always taken that to mean she was never sure she wanted me. Then, when things did start happening, I projected that thought in to me thinking whenever I was touching her etc that she wouldnt want me too.

 

Like you say, and i've been back and forth about this recently, If i did matter to her as much as i thought, then surely she would be more understanding about the situation. If the roles were reversed, there's nothing I wouldnt do to make her feel comfortable about it, i would have stood by her. I just feel like i got once chance and she bailed straight away.

 

As far as the current situation goes. I doesnt seem like I can do anything now. She sent me a messaged the other day saying about how everytime she sees me she wants to feel something different, but it doesnt happen like she expects, she left it with the standard 'I dont know'. I hate that.

 

I hate that i've missed another chance. Like you say, it could have solved everything and now i'll never know.

[Jono85]

I think the reason I did't have sex with her is partly to do with how our relationship went from start. Very long story short. We were friends for a long time before anything happened. It took me ages to tell her that I had fallen for her. And even once I did, it still took months before she thought she felt something more herself.

 

I can't blame her for that. At all. But in the same breath, there was always this thing in the back of my head that because she was on the fence for so long, i've always taken that to mean she was never sure she wanted me. Then, when things did start happening, I projected that thought in to me thinking whenever I was touching her etc that she wouldnt want me too.

 

Like you say, and i've been back and forth about this recently, If i did matter to her as much as i thought, then surely she would be more understanding about the situation. If the roles were reversed, there's nothing I wouldnt do to make her feel comfortable about it, i would have stood by her. I just feel like i got once chance and she bailed straight away.

 

As far as the current situation goes. I doesnt seem like I can do anything now. She sent me a messaged the other day saying about how everytime she sees me she wants to feel something different, but it doesnt happen like she expects, she left it with the standard 'I dont know'. I hate that.

 

I hate that i've missed another chance. Like you say, it could have solved everything and now i'll never know.

 

don't sweat it, it's not the end of the world. we've all dealt with heartbreak, and regret of things we might have done differently. but the truth generally is, that in that moment, we did what we thought was right. you didn't feel comfortable about having sex with her b/c you weren't 100% sold about her feelings for you. don't start thinking "it could've solved everything" b/c that's just a silly assumption. truth is she bolted, like you said, after what sounds like her not really giving you a fair chance or being too understanding about the situation.

 

with my ex, there were some things i probably could have done differently to save our relationship, but at the end of the day, i thought what i was doing was right at the time, and with the right girl, i don't think those things would have been reasons for the end of a relationship. furthermore, and more importantly, i may not have even had to do those things in the first place, with the right girl. and the same could probably be said for you. if you had a girl that wasn't on the fence as much, or didn't give off vibes that she wasn't 100% invested in you, i'm sure you wouldn't be on here telling your story about an ex girlfriend.

 

i think you should cut her out of your life while you heal, and work on some of those insecurities you were talking about. take this as a great opportunity to improve yourself for the next girl.

[KS11]

don't sweat it, it's not the end of the world. we've all dealt with heartbreak, and regret of things we might have done differently. but the truth generally is, that in that moment, we did what we thought was right. you didn't feel comfortable about having sex with her b/c you weren't 100% sold about her feelings for you. don't start thinking "it could've solved everything" b/c that's just a silly assumption. truth is she bolted, like you said, after what sounds like her not really giving you a fair chance or being too understanding about the situation.

 

with my ex, there were some things i probably could have done differently to save our relationship, but at the end of the day, i thought what i was doing was right at the time, and with the right girl, i don't think those things would have been reasons for the end of a relationship. furthermore, and more importantly, i may not have even had to do those things in the first place, with the right girl. and the same could probably be said for you. if you had a girl that wasn't on the fence as much, or didn't give off vibes that she wasn't 100% invested in you, i'm sure you wouldn't be on here telling your story about an ex girlfriend.

 

i think you should cut her out of your life while you heal, and work on some of those insecurities you were talking about. take this as a great opportunity to improve yourself for the next girl.

 

Mate, I really appreciate your reply. Really rings true on so many levels. Its hard to hear, i think i've spent so long in this relationship and have convinced myself that she's greater than she is. I'm not too sure what hurts more, the realisation of that, or the fact that maybe I didn't really know her all along.

 

Whenever we've had issues in the past i've never really said exactly what I wanted too, mostly out of fear I would lose her. But now, I really want to tell her how much it hurts that i clearly didnt matter enough to her for her to give me that chance.

 

What gets me more than anything, is when we went NC back in February, that was never what i wanted and she knew it. But then she was the one that got back in touch, and once again its me who is left feeling so much worse. I said that to her, and she couldnt understand what i meant.

 

I know I have to cut her out again now, its like having your heart ripped out every time. I wish I could make her see that.

[BUBS]

You don't want to lose your virginity to someone who it hasnt even worked with. The sex thing may be an issue or have contributed greatly, but the last thing you need is to put this woman in your heart even more for the risk of her walking away still. Most lose their virginity at a time when they believe that the relationship they have is strong with a partner. Some lose their virginity in the way you are describing, to attempt to salvage a relationship. Maybe it will... maybe it wont... but I wouldn't advise it.

[Jono85]

Mate, I really appreciate your reply. Really rings true on so many levels. Its hard to hear, i think i've spent so long in this relationship and have convinced myself that she's greater than she is. I'm not too sure what hurts more, the realisation of that, or the fact that maybe I didn't really know her all along.

 

Whenever we've had issues in the past i've never really said exactly what I wanted too, mostly out of fear I would lose her. But now, I really want to tell her how much it hurts that i clearly didnt matter enough to her for her to give me that chance.

 

What gets me more than anything, is when we went NC back in February, that was never what i wanted and she knew it. But then she was the one that got back in touch, and once again its me who is left feeling so much worse. I said that to her, and she couldnt understand what i meant.

 

I know I have to cut her out again now, its like having your heart ripped out every time. I wish I could make her see that.

 

i hear you man, i've been through everything you're experiencing, except guess what, i did tell her everything that was on my mind (ie. when things weren't acceptable to me, etc). it doesn't change anything when the girl (our exes) just aren't compatible with us enough to make it last longterm.

 

and telling her how much you hurt now (and that urge is natural, trust me, i went through the exact same thing, b/c it was like i didn't exist to her anymore, or my feelings weren't important to her anymore and i was devestated and suffering all alone) will do nothing but place guilt on her, it will NOT bring back her feelings, if anything the opposite and push her away further. be the bigger person and deal with it yourself. we are men, we can handle it

 

the trick is to remember how this feels (b/c believe me, you WILL get over it many months down the line) and learn that she cannot be trusted with your feelings again. if she ever comes back looking for a backup option (b/c that's all you'll be if she does) just don't forget what she put you through, and stay away. gl in your healing bud, like i said, take it as a huge opportunity to grow and become an even better you!

[KS11]

Thank you for your input guys.

 

I know, deep down as much as I would have liked to 'lost it' (fu*k i hate that expression) to her, the thought of that happening and still having her leave me would have been worse than the hurt im feeling now, if thats even possible.

 

Its weird, everytime we've tried NC in the past, something has always brought us back. I know this time, its really it. She's really gone.

[KS11]

Sorry to be posting again!

 

I'm finding this so much harder now I know the real reason its over. I know I have to use this time to try and overcome these insecurities I have, but the more I think about, maybe there is something properly wrong with me. I thought the best way to get over these problems was to tackle them head on, but i guess I didnt do that.

 

I can't get over the fact that i've fu*ked this whole thing up because of this. And now, the idea that she might think we never had sex because I wasn't attracted to her in that way is killing me. Because of course I was. Why didnt I show her?!

 

Is there really now point in saying any of this to her?

[KS11]

I can't do this. I think im going to break nc. Its killing me.