Facebook games? Can't work it out.. long

[hollyberry]

Hi to everyone here,

 

I have decided to post to find out others opinions on how my ex is behaving. I don't understand his recent behavior and am struggling to work it out.

 

It's quite a long story but I'll try and make it to the point.

 

I met a widower after I recently separated from my ex-husband five years ago. We began a very intense relationship which moved extremely quickly. He relocated his family (young children) 200 miles to live in the same town as me and mine only 3 months into our new relationship. He rented a house a minute away from us. We spent five years living as an extended family with the children running between houses. They formed very close friendships and called each other siblings. Family holidays, birthdays, we shared it all. Because of the intensity of our feelings at times things were strained. There were good times and bad ones. Living in two separate houses mean't we could both be stubborn and spend a few days 'cooling off' and ignoring each other after an argument then one of us would contact the other and we'd carry on again. This was a regular pattern looking back. At one point two years in after another petty argument he abruptly finished with me via text, a simple "It's over" then he switched off his mobile. I wrote long letters, rang him, texted him but he responded to nothing. After 3 weeks I couldn't stand it any longer and turned up on his doorstep. We talked and got back together. Things carried on once again, with more good times and more bad ones too. During our time together on a number of occasions he called me the love of his life and both of us admitted we had never come close to the feelings we had for each other before. The chemistry was off the wall and never diminished.

 

Fast forward another 3 years (5 in total) after another petty argument he ended our relationship again in December. This time I got a face to face talk of 15 minutes, he was very cold, matter of fact and to the point. It was over and I needed to accept it. I told him at that point I still loved him and wanted us to be together, to work it out even if it meant spending some time apart but he said no. Just told me to take care and that was that.

 

We have been in NC since that moment. I have never contacted him in any way and he hasn't contacted me. Zero. I do still see his children every few weeks but he has never seen mine again. I went into complete melt down and the last 3 months have been the hardest I've ever had to deal with. To say I was heartbroken was an understatement but I knew it was pointless begging him as his mind was made up.

 

No one heard from him until 7 weeks after we broke up he launched himself on many internet dating sites and worked them for one week. (I have friends who are on them and saw his profiles).

 

My question is about Facebook.. we were both obviously friends on it for years with many photo albums in both our profiles of family outings/holidays, of him and me etc. Over the last year neither of us have really used FB at all (maybe 5 posts in a year) but after his one week on dating sites he suddenly launched himself on FB with avengence. Continual posting about what he was doing, where he was going, putting photos up of sports activities he had participated in. All our mutual friends were saying woah what's going on! No woman was mentioned at this point and we both had full access to each others profiles. I only suspected he was seeing someone new because all of a sudden he confirmed he was friends with someone I'd never heard of and who lived some distance away from us. She also started liking his posts and he was liking hers and putting 'xx' after any comments.

 

I since happen to drive past them both walking hand in hand in our small local town 4 weeks ago which obviously confirmed that they were together. I was devastated.

 

This woman has been his 'friend' on FB now for 6 weeks with full access to all the photos he has on his profile of us (over 300). He also had lots of photos of us together on his timeline plus two albums of days out with the children. She's clearly seen all these as he hasn't removed them... until two weeks ago a mutual friend posted some photos of a group of us having a good time paintballing, I was laughing in one of the pics so put a comment.. "Haven't laughed so much in years!" as it was genuinely the most fun I'd had in ages. Well, within half hour of them being posted late on a Saturday night he de-friended me!!!! Bang. Gone. I was really shocked and upset by it and felt really hurt (probably stupid but I'm only being honest). I had never contacted him via FB in any shape or form, I don't even 'like' anything he does (altho he did me). I never comment on/like any of his posts/photos or if he commented on a mutual friends posts I would make sure I didn't. Made sure I kept under his radar. He wouldn't have known I was there really. So.. why de-friend me now??!

 

It couldn't have been to protect his new GF because she's had full access for 6 weeks! Strange thing is he unfriended me but left one public photos of us arm in arm together on his timeline and the two albums of our children.

 

For two weeks I brewed over this (again, stupid I know but that's human nature for you!) until finally last Sunday I thought I'd make my timeline page for friends only, not public so I did. The only thing you can see now if you are not a friend is my profile and cover pic.

 

That was in the morning and by the evening I noticed on his timeline (I know I shouldn't have checked but I was curious) that he'd removed the public picture of him and me and gone through the two albums of our children and one by one removed ALL the photos that included my children and left the ones that had only his in them!! He had also posted a photo of him and his new girlfriend holding hands and made that public too.

 

What on earth is this all about? I was again so upset that he'd been motivated enough to sit there deleting all the photos of my children from what was a lovely day out. I find it bizarre and very hurtful. I have done nothing to him since the day he ended our relationship. I have never contacted or bothered him so he has no reason to do this. Is it his way of getting to me? Why do something so hurtful. He knows I'm going to probably see it. How spiteful to purposely leave half an album up with only his children in it. What was the good in it, what exactly was the point???

 

Friends of mine have said that it's odd that he left it until a few weeks ago to de-friend me. He's had plenty of opportunity to do it before now - most obviously just after we'd broke up or when he started his new relationship but he did neither. Chose to wait and pull the plug almost 3 months after we broke up and after the ONLY two photos that have been posted on FB of me this year were put up!!

 

If you've managed to get to the bottom of this post without falling asleep I commend you. I'd love to know what you think of his behaviour because I swing from thinking he must really hate me now, I must be a really bad horrible person to thinking perhaps he's got the problem and not me????

 

Please any insight/views would be really helpful to me, I seem to be a bit stuck on this. Other than that I'm trying to move on and am doing quite well now :-)

 

Thank you for reading! x

[hollyberry]

Forgot to add that on the night that my ex de-friended me he chose to keep friends with - my mother, my eldest son and my best friend!!! They are still there!

 

My son let me have a peek at his profile after he's removed my children's photos from public view only to find he's still got all the photos we've ever had (300+) still there on his 'friends only' profile.

 

I just don't get it !!!!!??

[Emilia]

Welcome to LS

 

First thing first, let's start with what caught my eye straight away:

 

Because of the intensity of our feelings at times things were strained. There were good times and bad ones.

 

Why do you think that intensity of feelings equate arguments and conflict? What did you argue about?

[hollyberry]

Well I guess we were both demanding of each other at times, two intense people in a partnership causes sparks .. In a very good way but a not so good way too.

 

I just want to try and understand his recent actions as they have caused a lot of hurt and really upset me. I feel it has set me back again.

 

He's got a new GF and moved on so (or so it would appear). Neither I or my children have ever bothered him so his actions have made me feel that he must really hate me now. 5 years gone up in smoke within a matter of weeks.. I have never cared about anyone to the depth that I did him and he said the same so do those feelings just evaporate that quickly?

 

Guess they do but I find that quite hard to come to terms with altho I'm trying and have improved greatly than I was at the beginning.

[Emilia]

Well I guess we were both demanding of each other at times, two intense people in a partnership causes sparks .. In a very good way but a not so good way too.

 

I just want to try and understand his recent actions as they have caused a lot of hurt and really upset me. I feel it has set me back again.

 

People actions usually reflect their personality which is why I'm asking probing questions

[hinatticus]

Not to sound rude, but it's only fb. Who really cares about what someone does on fb. You shouldn't be giving a rats ass what he's doing on fb. Put your energy elsewhere. There could be multiple reasons or no reason at all for his behavior. Does it matter? Not in the slightest. If I were you I'd stop using fb all together. Unless you like torturing yourself.

 

My ex is still fb friends with all of my family and friends. Does it matter? No. Do I care? No.

 

You have the power to not feel hurt by his fb actions. I suggest you use that power.

 

Good luck

[TearyEyedPride]

Like someone said... it's really just facebook. I feel like you're reading into his actions too much. He dumped you... so it doesn't really matter how long it took him to "unfriend" you or delete pics of your being together... inevitably when he moved on it would happen. You knew this right?

 

With you "flying under the radar" he probably didn't think about you much as far as you being his friend on fb until he got involved with a new woman in his life. It was his way of still having a peek into your life without the commitment. When you responded on that person's photo with your comment, it probably made him uncomfortable to think about that good time with you, probably made his gf uncomfortable, and let him know you weren't as "under the radar" as you seemed. He then took the time to correct this oversight and "unfriend" you as you should've or he could've done in the past.

 

You left fb open as a window into his world, he's closing some of those paths now. That's just the natural progression of things. Instead of being baffled about the delay, accept it gracefully, and move on with your life. Invest your time and emotion elsewhere and please stop keeping facebook tabs on your ex. You're not a part of his life at this point now. He's filing those memories away.