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Do you put it all out in a letter/e-mail???


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I'm sure a lot of people feel this way. I know when my ex broke up with me that I had pushed him to it. I gave him ultimatums, even though I didn't see it as such, and he broke up with me. We had a talk before he was leaving for a family vaca for a week, while he was gone I did my own soul searching and realized how wrong I had been. With some space my thinking was clearer and truly felt that I had done some soul searching while he was gone.

 

It has been almost 7 weeks since we broke up. I really want to write him a letter telling him about this, and also about how much I have learned since the split. I know we were stuck in a rut, and needed to get out, and my "ultimatum" was the only way out that I saw at the time. Sometimes when stuck in the middle of things, you really don't see clearly.

 

We had been together 4 years. Any thoughts??

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Doing the ultimatum just accelerates the incoming break-up. Feeling the urge to make one is just an indicator of the relationship coming to an end.

 

Doing anything with an ex (writing letters, calling, messaging, meeting) while you 'feel the need' is a bad idea as most people on this forum know.

 

But meh, do as you think is best for you.

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I know about accelerating... And that is what I did. But while he was gone, before we broke up, and on my own, I realized how wrong I was. What I needed was a little space to figure things out and "see" what was going on. This is new to me. We worked and lived together. The feelings I was having were new, and I didn't know how to deal with them properly.

 

What I needed was space to see things for myself. And do some soul searching. Now I know for the future. No matter who that is with.

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The night after ex told me that he will leave me I wrote him a letter asking why's and said my goodbye. it eases the pain temporarily. it's been 3 mos since the BU i feel like i still need to tell him something and send an email again but I am controlling myself because I don't want him to get an impression that I am on the same phase where he left me.

 

we're 10 yrs, he proposed a marriage, after 5 months he dumped me and return to his ex.

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I'm sure a lot of people feel this way. I know when my ex broke up with me that I had pushed him to it. I gave him ultimatums, even though I didn't see it as such, and he broke up with me. We had a talk before he was leaving for a family vaca for a week, while he was gone I did my own soul searching and realized how wrong I had been. With some space my thinking was clearer and truly felt that I had done some soul searching while he was gone.

 

It has been almost 7 weeks since we broke up. I really want to write him a letter telling him about this, and also about how much I have learned since the split. I know we were stuck in a rut, and needed to get out, and my "ultimatum" was the only way out that I saw at the time. Sometimes when stuck in the middle of things, you really don't see clearly.

 

We had been together 4 years. Any thoughts??

 

I wrote my ex several letters during the last 14 months. I was the reason she left. The break up was mostly my fault. I realized I needed to change. I had a lot of issues that needed sorting out. I went to counseling for a year and read many books on self help. The thing that helps the most are actions not words. So in your letter you better be able to back up those words with actions.

 

My ex told me some of the letters I wrote made her cry. She wished I had changed earlier. She said it was too late blah blah blah.

 

BUT, here I am 14 months post break up and she wants to try again. She wants to go to counseling and then try out couples therapy. The thing is though, I'm still dating a girl. I'm pretty sure I'm going to break it off with her and try with my ex again. She is the mother of my child also. We're taking things very slowly.

 

I believe the letters helped, but my actions that backed up all those letters is what helped the most.

 

We were together for 4.5 years and lived together. Similar to you, that's a lot of time building a foundation.

 

As long as the reason your ex left was because of your bad behavior and not simply because he found another girl, I don't see any harm in sending a letter.

 

Good luck

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A lot of people will tell you not to send the letter, but I personally believe differently.

 

I sent a letter two months later (having talked to her sometimes after the split) pouring all my feelings about what I had learned, and how I was in therapy to be better. Did she call me and tell me she changed her mind? Of course not. But I know she at least read my apology for my behavior and thought about the steps I was taking to change what needed to be changed.

 

If what you have to say isn't enough to change anything for the other person, that's fine. I look at it as being able to tell myself that at least I tried everything I felt would help to save the relationship.

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If what you have to say isn't enough to change anything for the other person, that's fine. I look at it as being able to tell myself that at least I tried everything I felt would help to save the relationship.

 

At that point I wouldn't really view it as saving the relationship. At that point it's about starting a new relationship and I don't think enough time has passed for people to really change all that much. Sure, it's possible to change in 7-8 weeks but I think these things have a lot more weight when they are over a longer period of time. If people have really changed then it should be clear after 6 months and certainly after 14 months.

 

Two months is still a bit fresh but it's really up to you if you feel you have changed. Send the letter, just don't expect any response. Keep working on yourself and stay consistent with your change.

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At that point I wouldn't really view it as saving the relationship. At that point it's about starting a new relationship and I don't think enough time has passed for people to really change all that much. Sure, it's possible to change in 7-8 weeks but I think these things have a lot more weight when they are over a longer period of time.

While I agree that 7-8 week is not enough time to complete a change, I disagree that it is not enough time to change "all that much." In my case, I had gotten too drunk several times over the year we were dating; I began therapy two days after being dumped, and had been getting help with it the entire two months. My view on drinking was significantly different after those two months.

 

You can make a change, you just have to show the other person that you are truly making an effort!

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youngnlove89
I'm sure a lot of people feel this way. I know when my ex broke up with me that I had pushed him to it. I gave him ultimatums, even though I didn't see it as such, and he broke up with me. We had a talk before he was leaving for a family vaca for a week, while he was gone I did my own soul searching and realized how wrong I had been. With some space my thinking was clearer and truly felt that I had done some soul searching while he was gone.

 

It has been almost 7 weeks since we broke up. I really want to write him a letter telling him about this, and also about how much I have learned since the split. I know we were stuck in a rut, and needed to get out, and my "ultimatum" was the only way out that I saw at the time. Sometimes when stuck in the middle of things, you really don't see clearly.

 

We had been together 4 years. Any thoughts??

 

 

It's been 7 weeks, there is no point in telling him anything, especially since he broke up with you. Time is irrelevant when a person breaks up with you, doesn't matter whether it was 4 years or 4 months. When someone leaves you they thought long and hard about that decision and moved on. He doesn't care about any soul searching or Victoria Secret shopping you have done! He is moving on and so should you.

 

Go ahead, write a letter, get out whatever you have inside, but don't send it! It will be the same difference, because he wouldn't respond anyways.

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While I agree that 7-8 week is not enough time to complete a change, I disagree that it is not enough time to change "all that much." In my case, I had gotten too drunk several times over the year we were dating; I began therapy two days after being dumped, and had been getting help with it the entire two months. My view on drinking was significantly different after those two months.

 

You can make a change, you just have to show the other person that you are truly making an effort!

 

Fair enough and I completely agree. I just don't want people fooling themselves into thinking they have changed in a short period of time if they really haven't. Change takes time and the longer a change sticks the more weight our words have. It worked for you in a short time because you immediately went into therapy.

 

If I was your ex, even if I saw you were doing therapy and appeared to be totally different, I'd still wait half a year to a year to see if the change was sticking. It's easy to fall back into old habits if the bahaviour is still recent.

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I really appreciate ALL the replies. Mostly while he was gone I thought about what I really wanted in life, while he was there I started to feel anxious about our future, pressures from a lot of things. With him on vaca and having some space, I was able to see what I really wanted.

I had planned on talking to him about all this when he returned, and our first day off together, he broke up with me the day before, and I was so stunned I couldn't get out that I had made a mistake in pressuring him. I had wanted to renew our relationship, and start developing lives outside our relationship more.

I will write a letter, maybe not give it to him right away. We still talk, we work together. There is time. I can write it and sit on it for a week if I need too. I may post it here. Help to get things out.

Sometimes I feel it is hard to see everything clearly when in the middle of a situation. A break or break up can sometimes be a blessing in disguise.

 

And he is not seeing anyone else, nor wants to at this time.

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It's been 7 weeks, there is no point in telling him anything, especially since he broke up with you. Time is irrelevant when a person breaks up with you, doesn't matter whether it was 4 years or 4 months. When someone leaves you they thought long and hard about that decision and moved on. He doesn't care about any soul searching or Victoria Secret shopping you have done! He is moving on and so should you.

 

Go ahead, write a letter, get out whatever you have inside, but don't send it! It will be the same difference, because he wouldn't respond anyways.

 

That's not entirely true. If the person left because of an unresolved issue(drugs, drinking, bad behaviour etc), time and change can make the person come back. I'm an example. I've been posting here for a year about my situation and after 14 months my ex wants to try again. We're not back together, but she definitely wants to try.

 

He may or may not respond, but at least he might read it.

 

My ex read everything I sent her. She knew what was going through my mind and after lots of time passing she was able to see I was sticking to my new behavior.

 

The difference with my situation is that we saw each other several times a week. We share custody of our boy. Sometimes seeing her that often was detrimental but sometimes it was a benefit.

 

Every situation is different though. I'm just trying to say do what you feel is right. You know your situation best.

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