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with the new girl, she pointed to my ex sat alone in a corner


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my ex came over yelling at me. it was my birthday my friends had gotten me so drunk I really let loose and didn't expect to bump into my ex at all, she didn't even cross my mind the whole night I was just having such a good time with friends and the new girl, I forgot there might be a slight possibility i'd bump into her.

 

anyway I let her have it. called her every name I could think of. told her I hated her. she was a horrible person, I couldn't understand how she could do what she's done and to go away and never even look me in the eyes ever again and then I walked away like a bada$$ in a movie with the explosion going off in the background.

 

probably made a total fool of myself. but I got so much off of my chest it felt incredible.

I got such a good nights sleep.

 

Her friend text me a few nights later asking if I was out because she missed my birthday and wanted to buy me a drink to make up for it. I just didn't respond.

 

my ex and her friends obviously think i'm a horrible person for the way I behaved whilst drunk but she deserved it, I've been so nice to her this whole break up.

 

One thing that's really gotten me over the whole break up, is the fact that I realize i'm worth more than I gave myself credit for. she made me feel like something she stood in like I was a low life and I lost all my self esteem, but recently I've had so much attention from girls I thought i'd never stand a chance with and my friends have been so good to me. So have my family.

 

I've got a lot of people around me that care about me or that want to do things with me and it's great.

 

I'm still getting upset from time to time. but 3 months later I can see I made the right decision ending that relationship, she was very self centered and not very considerate. quite enjoying the single life at the moment, it's giving me time to do well at my job, play video games and eat take out with my friends a lot more. doing well with education. I can get completely drunk on a weekend and don't have to answer to anybody the next day.

I can flirt with whoever I like and it feels great when multiple girls are interested in you.

 

I wouldn't suggest anybody jumps straight back into a relationship until you've had some time to re find who you are and what you love and get your self worth back.

 

I'm still a long way from recovering from this nasty event in my life. but i'm so much better now than I was a couple of months ago. I'm so glad I posted so many threads so you can slowly see my progress and sometimes when I got knocked back a peg or two.

 

i'm sure i'll still get down from time to time and post on here. But right now I feel pretty good.

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thefooloftheyear

Do yourself a favor, my friend...

 

Concentrate on your work and keep busy. Dont bother getting busted up drunk, its just not smart in any case-especially now. Stay away from anywhere you might see her. Soon you will put it all behind you. If you are really angry with her, go to the gym and throw some weights around. You'll feel better...

 

TFOY

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if you read my old threads she twisted my arm into breaking up with her and then started dating my friend and then I went out with a new girl 3 months later and she was death glaring us and came over shouting. I want my ex to stop coming to this place I have a lot of friends that meet up there. I want her to go some place else but she refuses and so do I. I feel a lot better though. i'm really not half as upset as I used to be.

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What the hell was she yelling about?

 

Kinda agree with Mack, if you would have come off and said in a calm voice, "This isn't the time or the place to have this conversation. Besides, this is what you wanted. I hope your happy with my f*cknut ex friend."

 

She would have come off like a psycho lunatic and people would have been like, "Holy Christ! No wonder you got rid of her!"

 

But a screaming match with her is kind of counter productive. I understand that it felt good at the time and being drunk didn't help matters. But, if I were you, I would try to use a bit more restraint the next time.

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yeah like I said I feel like a drunken fool, it was my birthday I was having a good time she hated it. she just got mad at me for being with this girl because apparently she stole my ex's boyfriend years ago.

I'm just so tired of drama, I can keep playing it nice and polite and running away and letting her take over every place and thing I enjoy from facebook to bars and restaurants or I can stand my ground and make her feel uncomfortable in these places and leave them to me.

 

I really do not want anything to do with my ex anymore so i'm really not interested what she thinks of me or her friends, I just want her to go far away.

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yeah like I said I feel like a drunken fool, it was my birthday I was having a good time she hated it. she just got mad at me for being with this girl because apparently she stole my ex's boyfriend years ago.

I'm just so tired of drama, I can keep playing it nice and polite and running away and letting her take over every place and thing I enjoy from facebook to bars and restaurants or I can stand my ground and make her feel uncomfortable in these places and leave them to me.

 

I really do not want anything to do with my ex anymore so i'm really not interested what she thinks of me or her friends, I just want her to go far away.

 

So your new girl stole your ex's boyfriend :confused:. I keep saying this is like a bad soap opera and you Calgary are just as bad as your ex. You enable all the drama. For months now you keep going to same places she does. For months you checked her/your former friends Facebook. For months you listened to stories about her. This drama is all your fault.

 

You are not being honest with yourself and therefore you are not being honest with us. You were hoping your ex was going to be there. I am sure you were having fun on your birthday night, but in truth every so often you checked the place out looking for her and you noticed her when she walked in. To suggest anything else is a lie. You, your new girl, your ex, your former friend. You are all silly kids starring in a REALLY bad episode of Dawson's Creek, or what ever the equivalent is in Canada.

 

You say you are tired of the drama? When are you going to do something about it? I for one have had enough of wasting my time trying to help/advise you. Luckily you have a great poster in Chitown who has far more patience than me..

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destroyed4sho

Your post made me laugh!!

The mime stole one of your exes ex in the past? That is fantastic...I bet she is going crazy, obviously internally! High-five! If I was you I'd be running around town with the mime and rubbing it in your exes face...lol

 

In terms of the yeling part, I am not sure you had another choice except to get up and leave the bar with your new girl. I dont know who is following who but something needs to be done about this, not fair to your new girl to have to go through this.

Edited by destroyed4sho
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Destroyed you want to take a guess at what happens in this ongoing soap opera? Let's call this soap opera 'Calgary'. I'm going to give these characters names.

 

Calgary is Dwayne

His ex mate, lets call him Shane

His ex lets call her Stephanie

His new girl lets call her Katie..

 

So what have we so far...

 

 

First you have Katie turn on Stephanie..

Stephanie turns on Dwayne..

Shane turns on Dwayne..

Stephanie screams at Dwayne..

Stephanie screams at Katie..

 

What's next?

 

Stephanie's dog takes a crap on Shane's living room carpet, cause in a twist no one saw Shane can't get an erection for 8 months...

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I don't know, I just came on here to say i'm doing a lot better now. I haven't been on in like a week, I wasn't going to come back on but I thought I should say good bye and update you all on my situation.

 

the drama will probably never end. I don't feel upset anymore though. that's the main point, i'm not crying in my bedroom over a girl I thought was amazing. I'm out there having fun with my friends, seeing a new girl, getting on with things. my ex hates me, I hate her. we'll never get back together no reconciliation, no friendship, no texts. blocked each other. get drunk bump into each other, yell a few words at each other, wake up the next day laughing about it. she's seeing my old friend, it sucks, it's too soon. she lied to me lots. it hurt , she's a bad person, I told her to her face she's a bad person, she doesn't care obviously. this is it.

 

i'm staying single, talking to a couple of nice girls but nothing serious, just working and studying and relaxing with my friends, getting drunk on a weekend etc.

 

I admit getting drunk and standing my ground and acting the way she acts towards me wasn't what I had in mind, i'd rather have played it cool and calm, but I called her a tonne of awful names and in honesty I feel better for being my honest self and letting her know exactly what I think rather than constantly holding back and hiding how I really feel. hiding in my bedroom so I don't have to face her, not going out with somebody new because it might upset her even though she upset me ? i'll do what I want now no matter what she thinks i'm doing it for me not to get at her or anything. I just want to have fun and enjoy my life and for her to go far far away from here.

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Calgary if you want to leave LS that is up to you, but you have left not learning a single thing that we have been trying to tell you. If you don't make changes to your life you will have another relationship with more drama. Of course it will all be your ex's fault again in that relationship too.

 

Calling your ex names in a drunken rant on your birthday is nothing short of pathetic. I hope you take stock of things and vow to self improve, but I don't see that happening. Your already chatting to girls, soon enough there will be a rebound and everything will be amazing. I think you will end up like me. Hitting rock bottom blaming everyone else for your predicament, before you start looking for the answers and really making the changes you need to make in your life.

 

You cannot be in a healthy relationship with anyone and until you determine exactly why that is, then you will either be single or involved in drama filled relationships..Mark my words..

Edited by Mack05
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I feel a lot stronger now, i'm not the same weak person I started out as on this site 3 months ago, I have my self confidence back. i'm not afraid of bumping into my ex, i'm not avoiding her. i'm not scared or hurt by her actions, she simply cannot hurt me anymore than she already has. I don't feel upset about this situation. The only thing that bothers me as immature as this may be is that I might not find a girl as physically attractive as her again, but that's a small price to pay for a nicer personality next time around. she is to blame for all my sour feelings mack05.

 

She is a bad person she did a lot of self centered horrible things that I really honestly did not deserve. I just simply fell in love with somebody who loved herself more than me. it's simple and normal. I needed to start caring more about myself than her again and here I am caring more about myself than her.

 

I can be in a healthy relationship definitely. I just picked the wrong girl last time. she wasn't honest, she didn't communicate her problems.. even when we broke up she wasn't honest. She messed me around, it's life. I've got over it. I hate her and always will. I'll always look back with regret. but then some of my ex's I do look back on with happy memories.

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This post is called being 'in denial'. My ex is this, my ex is that. I hate her...'Hate' is such a horrible, damaging word. You are focusing on all the wrong things. Therefore you don't learn anything or grow emotionally..How is calling your ex a bunch of names while blind growing emotionally? You say it so simply 'I choose the wrong girl'. Dude that's all I have done since I was 18. I am 37 now. It took me close to 20 years to figure the problem wasn't my ex's. The problem was me. This is lost on you. Your ex may be a horrible but you choose her. This isn't bad luck or coincidence.

 

The dream women we crave don't just suddenly come into our lives like in a movie. I did little self improvement, in fact in my early 30s all I did was disimprove (if that is a word). The lower my self esteem, the worse the relationship I had. Now I am sure your self esteem is not as bad as mine was BUT low self esteem occurs over many years sometimes. Like slowly chipping away at a wall (an analogy I like to use). The damage is not much at the beginning, but in time the wall is not recognisable. Not only that it is not as strong, secure or beautiful as it used to be. Let me tell you rebuilding that wall is VERY hard.

 

You are a good guy. That is why I want you to choose a different wiser path. I see so much of myself in you. You are ignorant in the sense that you don't understand what is really happening 'under the surface'. I don't bet these days but if I did I would bet you a million bucks your next relationship will be drama filled. It will end. You will end up here with a thread 'back again'. Hopefully by the time that happens I will be living it up in Brazil with no access to Loveshack :-). Seriously though that is the path you are on...

 

Work towards forgiveness to her. I promise you it will affect you in ways you don't understand. The word hate is just poison in your system. This poison doesn't go away unless you take the right antidote. If not treated this poison that is 'hate' will badly affect your life going forward.

Edited by Mack05
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mtnbiker3000

Work towards forgiveness to her. I promise you it will affect you in ways you don't understand. The word hate is just poison in your system. This poison doesn't go away unless you take the right antidote. If not treated this poison that is 'hate' will badly affect your life going forward.

 

I hear a lot about this, and I am pretty sure it is right on track. But, what are the steps/methods/techniques to finding forgiveness? It's not that can't/won't forgive. I do want to, I just don't know how... Maybe I am not ready yet...

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I hear a lot about this, and I am pretty sure it is right on track. But, what are the steps/methods/techniques to finding forgiveness? It's not that can't/won't forgive. I do want to, I just don't know how... Maybe I am not ready yet...

 

Let me tell you by journey towards forgiveness. For for me, I allowed myself to 'feel' the anger. I had a relationship and a rebound relationship to come to terms with. I was pissed, really pissed. But that is healthy, as long as its temporary..Let me tell you what I was thinking/feeling at the time. I was thinking if this nutjob of an ex of mine was a guy, I would punch his friggin face off. I mean my last ex is nuts. Genuinely nuts.

 

She advises/sympathises people about abuse, yet she viciously abused the hell out of me! In her fruitloop mind not only did she not abuse me, she has literally erased me from her life, like I never existed. She then moved onto a new guy once I was 'erased'. My emotions were all over the place, so was my thought process. "What the hell was I ever doing with this freakshow". Even typing this reminds of the anger. The blood was boiling. I might have been harsh on slagging her off, but I didn't stop myself. Stopping myself wouldn't be properly 'feeling' the anger..

 

I used to run hard on the beach. Hard weights on a circuit course. Clanging and banging, clanging and banging. Take that you psycho b!tch (haha :laugh:). Shadow boxing picturing her. Punch bags and speed bags. I would work out until that rage left me. Boxing is a great way to release anger. Indeed boxing IMO is the best discipline to learn after a break up.

 

For about 3 months when I got home from the beach/circuits I would read articles on forgiveness. I would meditate. I would sit on my own for an hour with just a cup of tea and just deal with those uncomfortable moments, instead of just doing something for the sake of doing it. You don't always have to do something when you feel uncomfortable. Indeed just 'feeling' is a very powerful way of moving on (no noise in the background).

 

I would spend a lot of time going over her mails and the ex before her. I would skip past the abuse parts (my last ex) and just focus on her criticisms of me. I would challenge myself by contemplating that maybe she could be right about the some of stuff she was criticising me about. I bought some self help books. Books on self esteem, living in the moment, emotional maturity, relationship communication and read them. I would set a target of chapters to read and I would complete them.

 

After about 3 months I was ready to forgive. Euro 2012 was coming up and this nutjob didn't warrant an extra minute of my time. I forgave her. When I forgave her, I cut off all the shackles. I cut off any strangehold she ever had over me. Now I couldn't care less if she is crazy, I wish her well and hope she is happy. The anger is gone. That is a BIG difference to being 'indifferent' to her. Indifferent means the anger is still there, it's just suppressed. It will resurface in another way in the future.

 

Forgiving myself for my mistakes before her and during the relationship has not been as easy. It's ongoing, but I feel I am making progress even though its slower then I would like it be.

Edited by Mack05
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mtnbiker3000

Thanks 4Real & Mack. I'm going to start working on this. I think I am ready for this...

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destroyed4sho

This is how I have forgiven in the past:

1.You have to forgive yourself first, and stop blaming yourself, you are not perfect but things happen that you have no control over

2. Get over the anger stage

3. Empathesize with your ex....believe that given her limitations and experiences in life, she was not able to give you more. She is just human like everyone else, with imperfections, problems and pain.

4. Review the ****ed up things she did in your head and place yourself in her shoes....Revisit the BU moment and.give her the benefit of the doubt (even if its so hard to do) that she did it for best.

5. Make a list of the good things that came out of having this experience/relationship with her....(could be anything, you learned this or you realized you have to improve this, or realized that you don't get along with a person with her personality traits)

6. Thank her in your mind for the experience, even though it wasn't meant to be.

 

In the early stages of BU grieving process, I am sure even thinking about doing the above will disgust you. Your not ready yet...it takes some time.

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A couple of good suggestions under most normal circumstances, some who have been deceived or severely lied to might forgive the break up but will have a hard time putting themselves in their EX's shoes. The better approach might be to recall the better times and believe she/he did it for their BEST INTERESTS.

 

 

This is how I have forgiven in the past:

1.You have to forgive yourself first, and stop blaming yourself, you are not perfect but things happen that you have no control over

2. Get over the anger stage

3. Empathesize with your ex....believe that given her limitations and experiences in life, she was not able to give you more. She is just human like everyone else, with imperfections, problems and pain.

4. Review the ****ed up things she did in your head and place yourself in her shoes....Revisit the BU moment and.give her the benefit of the doubt (even if its so hard to do) that she did it for best.

5. Make a list of the good things that came out of having this experience/relationship with her....(could be anything, you learned this or you realized you have to improve this, or realized that you don't get along with a person with her personality traits)

6. Thank her in your mind for the experience, even though it wasn't meant to be.

 

In the early stages of BU grieving process, I am sure even thinking about doing the above will disgust you. Your not ready yet...it takes some time.

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destroyed4sho

Am4real- I was deceived, lied to and much much more!!

Like I said, it takes time to get to the point where you are ready to forgive.

 

A couple of months ago, I wouldn't be able to even entertain the thought of putting my self in her shoes or forgiving.

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Sorry to hear that; it sounds like you are doing much better. Forginess is powerful.

 

Strangely enough, dumpees who eventually forgive and fee themselves are later greeted by Dumpers who 'are lost' and check-in with what once familiar territory. Oddly I've seen it where the dumper is looking for forgiveness even it was long ago bestowed be it in silence.

 

 

Am4real- I was deceived, lied to and much much more!!

Like I said, it takes time to get to the point where you are ready to forgive.

 

A couple of months ago, I wouldn't be able to even entertain the thought of putting my self in her shoes or forgiving.

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destroyed4sho
Sorry to hear that; it sounds like you are doing much better. Forginess is powerful.

 

Strangely enough, dumpees who eventually forgive and fee themselves are later greeted by Dumpers who 'are lost' and check-in with what once familiar territory. Oddly I've seen it where the dumper is looking for forgiveness even it was long ago bestowed be it in silence.

 

Yes, I am not at the point where I would be able to tell her Id forgive her. That is why staying NC is best. They come aroind looking for forgiveness and closure but why should I give that to them when they didnt give that to me when I most needed it.

I can forgive.her in.my mind and soul for ME..not for her.

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Yes, I am not at the point where I would be able to tell her Id forgive her. That is why staying NC is best. They come aroind looking for forgiveness and closure but why should I give that to them when they didnt give that to me when I most needed it.

I can forgive.her in.my mind and soul for ME..not for her.

 

Im begining to think forgiveness comes when you dont gove a sh*t any more. Its easy to forgive when you dont care. Lol :) this is the passive way. All my attempts at active forgivness in my mind have failed. Lol Cav

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Im begining to think forgiveness comes when you dont gove a sh*t any more. Its easy to forgive when you dont care. Lol :) this is the passive way. All my attempts at active forgivness in my mind have failed. Lol Cav

 

Indifference comes when you don't give a ***** anymore. When you forgive your at total peace with your ex and the circumstances around the breakup of the relationship. He/She isn't the complete ***&*&&% to you anymore. Sometimes you even want them to end up happy and you appreciate the time you spent with them.

 

What is the difference between forgiving and forgetting? - Yahoo! Answers India

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