Broke No Contact after 3 days and no response... :(

[Devastated77]

Hi everyone.

 

I guess I should start by sharing my story...it will be long, so sorry in advance.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years, and he has just told me last Thursday (3 days ago) that he needs time and space. He says he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me anymore.

 

 

The thing is, I attempted suicide 5 weeks ago and he said he couldn’t deal with it. We both have depression (mine is being treated, his isn't as he says he doesn't want to admit to himself how bad it has gotten). He did come back a few days later and it was extremely up and down. One day he said he wants us, the next day he said he doesn’t. This went on for 5 weeks. It all came to a head last Thursday when yet again, after countless times, he told me he needed space again and couldn't be with me. I hit a really low point again and told him via text I didn’t want to live anymore. I just couldn’t face life with this uncertainty with him being there one minute, and not the next. He texted my mum, told her she needed to call me as I was going to try again and he couldn't deal with it anymore. I tried to text him, he flipped out majorly, told me to f*** off and leave him alone and he wouldn’t see me or take my calls or return my texts. By that stage, I was worried about his state of mind, so I went to his mum's and told her how down he had been and that she needs to look out for him. I then went over to his house to drop off a note to him saying sorry for what I had done, and he came home when I was writing it. We spoke for a little while and he read the note, he said he doesn’t hate me but he felt that my 2nd attempt has made him lost any hope for us being together anymore. He said he needs time to get himself well again and can’t cope with how I am. I promised him I would give him as much space as he needs and we have not spoken since.

 

...Until today, 3 days later. I broke the NC rule and I feel like such an idiot I only sent him a cheery message just saying "hey Just checking in to see if you're doing ok :)" but I have gotten no response as yet.

 

I could honestly kick myself. If I had just held off contacting, or better still, if I had just given him space, or if I had not gotten to the low points I did and attempted suicide...he would still be in my life.

 

Please help me, any positive responses would be much appreciated, no negativity please as I am not coping at all

[OwlSoul]

I've been clicking on this topic over and over again. I just do not know what to say. *hugs*

[Devastated77]

does that mean you think there's no hope?

[TaraMaiden]

The priority I think, is to look after yourselves, to be honest.

 

If I may say so, you're both 'broken' people. You both have personal issues and if I'm honest, I think you need to heal within yourselves, before considering dedicating time to being a couple.

There's a whole mixed bag of stuff going on here.

The way I'm looking at this - and it IS my way, so of course, without a complete window on what you two are like and how you pass your days, it's all it CAN be - there seems to be an awful lot of emotional blackmail.

I mean, just look:

You attempt suicide, you threaten it again, and tell him you can't live any more - then when he contacts your mum - YOU'RE worried about HIS state of mind??

 

This is all emotional manipulation, is not healthy, is completely dysfunctional and frankly, you really need to focus on yourselves before even venturing into relationships - with each other, or indeed, anyone else.

 

By the sound of it (*and I know this is harsh) he has his head screwed on more than you have.

He is bailing because he's drained and is done with it.

You're coming over as bneedy, dependent and claustrophobic.

 

In my eyes, no.

 

There is NO HOPE>

 

And you should be grateful, because this is an opportunity to get yourself well, get your mind in order and to move on and heal.

 

If it's not too much to ask, your suicide attempt.

 

How did that end?

What happened?

Did you have to go to hospital?

Did the hospital provide an antidote-remedy, or did they actually really have to pull the stops out and save your life?

 

What I'm asking is, without intervention, was this really a final call, or a cry for help?

 

How SERIOUS were you?

[lavenderlove]

I have spent my last 10 years thinking about suicide. My mother left the world this way because she was heartbroken. My dad left her, and it was complicated, and I don't want to got into the details of that now.

 

It was very hard for my mother, and I am not upset with her for what she has done. But what she has done has changed all our lives, and I am just not a stable person and never will be. I don't have a mother since I was 14.

I am proud of what I have achieved in my life, I am not a lunatic, never took drugs, I make art, I am passionate about my work, built strong friendships, and a deeply loving relationship with my father regardless of his past and relationship with my mum.

 

It is about forgiveness and finding value and beauty in the moments of life.

 

I have thought about killing myself many times, and many times I was on the very edge. And then I think of my children who will never be born if I do this, I imagine my family receiving the news of my death, and even though momentarily it would be just great to slice away, it is irresponsible and wrong.

 

Even if you really wouldn't care less about living any further,

responsibility is what holds your back straight, makes you be able to face the mirror, and helps you carry on no matter how miserable it is for you.

I know depression is a disgusting and painful thing, that is very hard to tackle. It's like ivy growing onto to live trees, or fog blocking out light.

 

You must fight. Even if you have nobody, and have nothing left. You have to go on out of pure gratitude, that you get to see the sun every day. You are given a chance to live over and over - day by day.

 

Listen to your heart, and if you really want this guy back, scrape yourself off the floor and figure out what would get him back.

Edited April 7, 2013 by lavenderlove

[Devastated77]

hi.

 

it is day 4, and I did not get a reply to my text. I know he read it but has ignored it.

 

Taramaiden - First suicide attempt 5 weeks ago was with a knife, he tried to grab it from me and his hand got cut in the process. He knew how serious I was, though. He said he could see it on my face. I just did not want to be here anymore. I was 100% serious.

 

I know I came over as needy and he bailed because he just couldn't handle it anymore. I know I should not have broken NC as that just shows him I still am. I can't beat myself up about it anymore, though. It's making me worse.

 

lavenderlove - how can I figure out how to get him back? This man is everything to me, 13 years is a very long time, and I am finding it so hard to accept that he can move on easily after this amount of time. Doesn't being together that long mean something, that we still have some sort of bond? I wish so much I knew that this was hard for him, too. By all accounts, it is not. He has never ignored a text from me before and if he can do that, what hope do I have?

 

When we broke up thursday, I asked him if he would still send me a birthday text (my birthday is tomorrow). He said he would but I am so scared that now I have ruined that by texting him. My head keeps going over and over all the things I should have done differently. I can't eat or sleep or concentrate on anything. Someone said that it takes half the length of a relationship to get over it - how the hell am I supposed to go through this for the next 6 or 7 years?

 

Does anyone think he will move on quickly or, after 13 years, will he have trouble moving on too?

 

This is an absolute nightmare, I do not know how to get through it.

[na49]

Have you considered counseling? I think you need a counselor right now more than anything.

 

13 years is more than half my life time so I can't imagine how you feel right now. I'm sorry you have to go through it, nothing we tell you will make your life any easier, but we'll be here for you if you need to vent.

 

He'll probably have trouble moving on too. I would hope he would, considering how long you two were together. maybe he will realize what he's missing and come knocking. but he can't miss you if you're still in his life. Was contacting him 3 days after he asked for space a good idea? No. but don't beat yourself up for doing it. You shouldn't beat yourself up for any decision you make right now. You're emotional and we do stupid crap when we're emotional.

[ThatJustHappened]

Wow..this is a scary story. I hope you're getting the help you need now.

 

You two were feeding off of each other. It was an intensely unhealthy relationship and it was bound to end badly.

 

Don't beat yourself up about that contact. Just let it be and start NC all over again. And please, please get help.

[Devastated77]

hi,

 

I saw my psychologist this morning, and I have to ring the CAT team by tonight or she will due to the circumstances.

 

Yes it probably was an unhealthy relationship, but that doesn't mean we didn't have alot of good times too. It is these that I am hoping he thinks of at this point.

 

Is there any point in hoping NC will help him miss me or come back to me? He is all over facebook, joking and talking with friends...like his life is so much better without me

 

How can he feel no pain after 13 years? Why am I the only one going through this excruciating feeling?

 

It is my birthday tomorrow and he said when I saw him last that he would send me a birthday text. But i think I screwed that when I broke NC.

[Cinderella01]

hi,

 

I saw my psychologist this morning, and I have to ring the CAT team by tonight or she will due to the circumstances.

 

Yes it probably was an unhealthy relationship, but that doesn't mean we didn't have alot of good times too. It is these that I am hoping he thinks of at this point.

 

Is there any point in hoping NC will help him miss me or come back to me? He is all over facebook, joking and talking with friends...like his life is so much better without me

 

How can he feel no pain after 13 years? Why am I the only one going through this excruciating feeling?

 

It is my birthday tomorrow and he said when I saw him last that he would send me a birthday text. But i think I screwed that when I broke NC.

 

leave it like it is, with no contact - I know it sounds cruel but we have a saying in Afrikaans: "'n teleurstelling is soms 'n bestuuring" - I always believe that nothing happens without a reason, and the Lord won't close one door for you and not open another. Be strong and ..... happy birthday!! (sometimes I think all men are jerks)

[lavenderlove]

.........oOX*---{HAPPY BIRTHDAY}---*XOo.........

[TaraMaiden]

hi,

 

I saw my psychologist this morning, and I have to ring the CAT team by tonight or she will due to the circumstances.

Very glad and relieved that you are receiving professional support...

 

Yes it probably was an unhealthy relationship, but that doesn't mean we didn't have alot of good times too. It is these that I am hoping he thinks of at this point.

Sadly, one neither counteracts not balances the other. And if something is badly broken, sellotape's a poor fix. This needs major surgery. Your ex- was convinced nothing less than amputation would do....

 

Is there any point in hoping NC will help him miss me or come back to me? He is all over facebook, joking and talking with friends...like his life is so much better without me

 

How can he feel no pain after 13 years? Why am I the only one going through this excruciating feeling?

I'm sorry if this is going to sound harsh, but it seems to me that he felt a lot of pain during those 13 years. This for him isn't an ordeal; this for him, is final relief. He has released what he had come to see as a relationship that was nothing more than a millstone around his neck.

The reason he is behaving the way he is, is precisely because he feels completely the opposite to the way you do...

 

Sad as it is, that's why.

 

And no - Don't hope for Anything at all from NC other than what NC is designed to do. Make you move on, heal and carry on with your life.

 

That's what NC is for, and it's critical you completely understand this.

 

NC has no ulterior or secondary motive, and doesn't work in that way.

 

 

It is my birthday tomorrow and he said when I saw him last that he would send me a birthday text. But i think I screwed that when I broke NC.

 

Well, I would wish you a happy birthday, but somehow I think you have other things to focus on: And SHOULD be focusing on.

 

One day at a time.

 

That's how you get through it.

One day at a time.

[Chi townD]

Well, I'm glad you failed at your attempt. One thing I've learned is that you really don't know how truely happy you can be until you've hit rock bottom. You've gotten to a point that you did hit the bottom. Well, okay then. There's only one direction that you can possibly go....and that's up.

 

And when you feel sooo down and so lost where you think that taking yourself out of the picture is the only answer, you're only hurting yourself and the people that truely do love you.

 

You can be treated with medications but the best form a medicine for your situation is just to talk. That's it. Just let it all out there on how you're feeling and what's going on in your life to a professional. It is literally THAT SIMPLE. And don't hold back. Let it all out. You will be amazed at the progress you can make just by simply opening your mouth.

 

We are in charge of our own happiness. You have to look at the good things in this world. Places to explore, people to meet. HAVE A FULL LIFE. Find the things that make you happy. Laugh and smile.

[Devastated77]

I thought I would update this and see what people think. Bear with me, this will be long...

 

He contacted me on my bday, texted to say happy bday...we spoke for a bit and he said he still didn't know what he wants and that he wasn't coping with life at all...I said that's fair enough but I needed clarity and need to know what is happening as he hadn't actually told me it was over...I said it was unfair to me to keep putting it off. He didn't reply to my last message.

 

Then later that night, I got a text from him saying he loves me and he is sorry that he isn't coping with life...I was very worried about his mind state so called him...we spoke for 5 mins and he said he loved me and wanted to be with me, so I said we needed to speak face to face. We arranged it for the next day.

 

The next night, we saw each other for about 2 hours...he said he missed me and he wanted to get back together...one thing led to another and we had sex...he said he wasn't going anywhere and he wanted this. He said it wasn't our relationship that was the problem, he felt with what he was going through it was easier to push everyone away so as not to hurt them.

 

Next day (yesterday), we spoke a bit over facebook message...and I asked if he was happy we were back together, he said "are you" I said I asked first...he said he was, but was worried...I said what about...he said "that you think everything is fine". And I said no, I don't...we didn't have much chance to discuss anything and we still need to, he said I know we do...he said he needs to be happy just like I do, I said "you said our relationship isnt the problem"...and he said "sometimes it is". So I said "I'm not discussing this over fb or text, it needs to be face to face". He asked when, I said that night...so we met. We talked for a long time...said alot of things...he said he didn't think I understood how messed up his head is with not coping with anything...I said of course I do, as I have been through it myself. I said I understood, but it isn't fair to keep me dangling on a string...I asked him several times if he had come to break up with me, he said no...that he wants me in his life, he loves me and wants to be with me...but then said he doesn't think he should be in a relationship because of how he is...I said "bottom line, do you love me?" he said "yes"...I said you're either in or out...I need to know because this is messing with me just as much as it is you...he said he was in. We had sex again (yes I know, bad idea)...and after it he said he was in for the long haul...I said no more trying to break up over fb or text, that if he does that again I will drive to his work and force him to see me and tell me to my face, as I do not believe you break up with someone after 13 years over a text. I asked him several times if he was sure about this, I asked if he wanted me to cut contact again while he sorts himself out, I gave him heaps of options...all of which he said no to. That he wants to be with me and wants to stay in contact and that he wants me in his life.

 

Today....he has been on fb constantly but not replying to any of my messages...now I am at a complete loss.

 

Please any advice would be good....should I cut contact again and see if he talks to me? I am worried about doing that as he kept saying he thinks he should leave me alone as he isn't good for me and that he keeps hurting me...I said several times he is hurting me more by pushing me away. If I do cut contact, in his head he will think it's for the best for me and just never contact me again...at least that's what I am scared of.

 

I thought I was over the crying, but have done nothing but that today...I am so confused. I don't want to tell myself we are back together even though he says we are because he keeps acting the opposite...he also says he doesn't care about himself and doesn't want to get help for how he is feeling.

 

It's all very well to tell me to piss him off and move on...but I have been with his man for 13 years....we have shared everything...I thought of us as soulmates. I am doing much better in myself with my depression and he sees that and says it's because I was without him, but that was not the case.

 

HELP

[Ordinaryday]

I know exactly how you feel. I have reached out to exes before and somehow when they ignore it it hurts way more than even when they respond back rudely. A rude response means they at least feel something for you, even bad, simply cos they spent the time responding. But NO RESPONSE says that you weren't even worth the ten seconds for them to text back saying 'go away'.

 

Love sucks

[TaraMaiden]

Ah, 'break-up sex' - phukks things up to perfection!!

 

Jeesh, you guys need separating by a continent.

 

If something is uncertain, it's more likely to fail than succeed.

 

You're both trying to salvage an ideal, a dream, but it's broken.

It broke, and even if you were both to determine to 'fix' it, you would nbeed to start from scratch.

 

But first, you have to repair yourselves.

 

Quit Contacting each other, shut your FB account down completely (Don't protest, many on here have done it, and survived to tell the tale, don't worry....) change your 'phone number and Do NOT contact each other until you have BOTH undergone at least 6 months of intense personal therapy!!

 

 

...Is what you do now.