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I'm an Idiot - Broke NC


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CompleteFailure

I've been in NC less than a week and the last couple days were pretty hard. I've never spent that much time away from her without some form of communication and I struggled and debated back and forth the pros and cons of breaking NC. The list was pretty even, but the cons had more to do with my well being vs.the pros of physical pleasure/instant relief. I was pretty strong until yesterday. Something came over me and I couldn't seem to talk myself out of seeing her, or trying to see her.

 

So I went to her place with an excuse of I was just going to pick up some stuff and if she was there than cool, if not than whatever. My real intentions were somewhat hoping we could go back into our arrangement but at the same time I was hoping I could just play it cool and see how things went. Well, she was there. I was really happy to see her and couldn't stop laughing for some reason, and she seemed genuinely happy/relieved to see me as well. Though the instant I saw her I knew she was having a tough time away from me as well and I regretted breaking NC immediately.

 

Don't get me wrong, it felt good to know for sure that she missed me and after talking with her I found out some stuff she did to try and find out what I was up to. I was playing it really mysterious, but the longer I stayed the more I found myself giving away information voluntarily until the point I was basically begging for her back :lmao:

 

Trying to talk logic and reason against her feelings/emotions (I see now) is completely pointless. She was definitely more open and understanding to what I was saying and although she agreed with everything I said, there's absolutely no way to change the fact that she still feels happy with this other person. For me to think I can argue with logic based off my own emotions to convince someone out of theirs is a complete waste of time. Emotion vs. Emotion = you will lose

 

It might feel good, you might get closure, you might feel stronger and you might suddenly have all kinds of transcendent visions of hope. Let me tell you the truth and kill your dream. That is only in the moment. Once you wake up the next day(like I did, beside her, in my arms) all your previous **** is going to come rushing back and you will feel more confused and f'cked than previously. I thought I had it bad before, it's 100 times worse now.

 

To make matters worse my super ego is constantly bashing my head for breaking NC because I KNOW I F'CD UP, I lost my edge. I lost momentum of the week I built up, I lost the power in the game we were playing, and I gave her the closure she needed to forget about the pain she caused me. I left last week with dignity, but I came crawling back and now she doesn't have to feel like **** anymore. If I had stayed away, she would have kept thinking of me not knowing and maybe I would have had a chance down the road. Now I have no clue, but I definitely didn't make anything better.

 

Now I can't just go NC because she sort of expects LC and possibly a partial arrangement. I WANT TO START NC again but in a way that gives me back the power and control. I don't like that she now doesn't have to face any of the feelings she has or has put me through.

 

Can someone knowledgeable in this type of game/power struggle give me solid advice on how to right my mistake, or is it too late? Please, some hope!

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all_cats_rgray

ONE: Your being too hard on yourself.

 

I'v know people that have been close friends with their ex's for year's. You are even attempting NC. This would not even be a second thought too them.

 

I don't think you ****ed up. You told her how you feel. She told you how she feels. How is that ****ing up. It's just a reminder too you of how she feels.

 

I don't think you ****ed up a second chance with her. Because their is no second chance.

 

NC is not a game, you think if you held out and didn't break NC things would change. Well you did peek behind the curtain, and you saw things haven't changed. EVEN if you held out for a year and broke NC things would be the same.

 

People FEELINGS don't change. SHE feel's this way, NC will not change it, you cannot change it. SO you have to leave. And this mean mind/body/ and heart. You cannot sit around for her to change her mind. Because you will be wasting your time.

 

Yeah breaking NC, is always a nice kick in the balls.

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destroyed4sho

Nc her again. And if she breaks.NC, tell her.that she was right about the breakup and that its best not to.be in contact any longer. But domt expect her to contact you after.this. She prolly wont. Im sorry.that happened.We have all done it, nothing to beat yourself up about.

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You did fine :) You went to get your things, you opened up too much, didn't get the result you were hoping for and now feel like you have lost your edge of power that you had when you were mysteriously absent from her life. In the short term, staying away from her (square one) is probably the best way to go regardless of her expectation. Eventually you know where you will be, and that is having the memory of her but not even feeling you are in this power struggle anymore as your emotions will be turned to different things (hopefully another girl as well). All this down the line. Today is hard because you are starting again but you can get back to were you were and beyond, to happier todays without the strife :) Good luck!

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CompleteFailure
ONE: Your being too hard on yourself.

 

I don't think you ****ed up. You told her how you feel. She told you how she feels. How is that ****ing up. It's just a reminder too you of how she feels.

 

I don't think you ****ed up a second chance with her. Because their is no second chance.

 

People FEELINGS don't change. SHE feel's this way, NC will not change it, you cannot change it. SO you have to leave. And this mean mind/body/ and heart. You cannot sit around for her to change her mind. Because you will be wasting your time.

 

Yeah breaking NC, is always a nice kick in the balls.

 

I honestly think I'm not being hard enough on myself. I think I f'cd up because I showed her just how needy I was in such a short period of time. I really should have stayed NC longer until I was prepared mentally.

 

I don't agree that there is no second chance. It may be extremely slim, even 0.0000001% but I feel like if her new relationship doesn't pan out the way she expects and I have my sh.t together at that time, we might be able to give it another go. Though admittedly for what she offers and how great she is, that guy would be stupid not to marry her. Right now that guy offers everything I can't in terms of security, and they have chemistry. The chemistry may die(like it has for us), and her feelings will change but he still offers her that which I can't give at the moment. Plus she will be creating new memories that are probably going to trump the ones we have and so on, so she may never want to leave him anyways. In this case I think it will depend on how their relationship ends(if at all).

 

Its really hard knowing that she's the love of my life, but he is hers. In the past every time we rekindled our romance, and found our chemistry again, I went and screwed things up. Suddenly this other guy with his life together fell right in her lap, how could she pass that up?

 

I have hope but know that I shouldn't and should just focus on myself. As for right now though, I need to find a way to start NC again without making myself look like more of a fool by constantly flip flopping with my decisions.

 

Thanks for trying to sugar coat my mistakes though.

 

Nc her again. And if she breaks.NC, tell her.that she was right about the breakup and that its best not to.be in contact any longer. But domt expect her to contact you after.this. She prolly wont. Im sorry.that happened.We have all done it, nothing to beat yourself up about.

 

This is kind of helpful but not what I want. I know this is probably the right thing to do but it doesn't help my specific situation. I'm actually going to hear from her tonight as she is going to be calling me after a friend's birthday party, and I'm supposed to stay over at her place... Yea I know this is really messed up. This is why I'm trying to find a way to start NC that doesn't exactly negate what I've said or done, but at the same time lets me leave with some dignity, power, control over myself and the situation. Even as I write this though, I feel like I'm being too full of myself or something but damned if I can't try.

 

I was thinking about possibly having a letter pre-written that I would just leave somewhere for her to find, and in the middle of the night I would just vanish and never contact her again. The problem with this is I don't know if it's too soon since its been less than week with the original NC and I had this really meaningful conversation with her yesterday.

 

You did fine :) You went to get your things, you opened up too much, didn't get the result you were hoping for and now feel like you have lost your edge of power that you had when you were mysteriously absent from her life. In the short term, staying away from her (square one) is probably the best way to go regardless of her expectation. Eventually you know where you will be, and that is having the memory of her but not even feeling you are in this power struggle anymore as your emotions will be turned to different things (hopefully another girl as well). All this down the line. Today is hard because you are starting again but you can get back to were you were and beyond, to happier todays without the strife :) Good luck!

 

Thanks. I don't think its just about the power and control I'm seeking. I think maybe what I want is to leave in a way that sub communicates grief yet hope for the both of us for our future regardless of what paths we choose. I want to leave and start NC in a way that she can see me in a more positive light. Leaving last week, there's no doubt she found some lost respect for me knowing what I'm going through and knowing how hard it must have been for me to do that. That's what I want to get back.

 

I realize I'm being extremely childish but In 7 years, 365 days, 24 hours, 60 minutes, of actual TIME, my love is still there. I'm still IN LOVE with this woman after all of this. Creepy, I know, I get it, I'm messed up.

 

Her love towards me was genuine, her eyes tell me that, but when suddenly this new better version of a man and future popped up for her at her age, she can't afford to pass it up, she can't wait for me holding my hand while I get on track so she had to pursue it. I get that because I know all of it is my fault. I wish she would have faith in us/in me and have the strength to fight the urges of new love, but I can hardly argue the reality and the facts.

 

Sorry for my rant it gives me some relief.

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I love this site. You have 95% of people who are so incredibly genuine and will give you great advise from the heart.

 

Honestly, I didn't read your thread.

 

I focused on two things. Your LS name (CompleteFailure) and your thread title (I'm an idiot).

 

Unless you truly address your negative self image....No one on this site can help you....

Edited by Mack05
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all_cats_rgray

AGAIN

 

YOU ARE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.

 

what she did to you, aka, leave you for someone else would drive anyone crazy. People have killed themselves over love. The fact that you are stating you should go NC is good. It show's you are doing good.

 

But yeah, negative self image, is very evident in your post. I'd recommend talking to someone during these hard time. (that does not make you weak) it makes you SMART and STRONG. Just go to your family doctor, tell them your having a hard time and would like to see a councilor. I just mean if you want to feel better, this is one of the best ways. You asked for hope, AND trust me they know how to make you feel better. :D

 

It sound's like it's been a few weeks since BU. YOU SHOULD NOT BE TALKING TO HER OR SEE HER. Your emotions are front row and center, not your brain. EVERYONE HAS BEEN THERE. It take's months for your brain to kick in. You are not thinking with your head right now. TRUST US.

 

You need space, just tell her that.

Edited by all_cats_rgray
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CompleteFailure
I love this site. You have 95% of people who are so incredibly genuine and will give you great advise from the heart.

 

Honestly, I didn't read your thread.

 

I focused on two things. Your LS name (CompleteFailure) and your thread title (I'm an idiot).

 

Unless you truly address your negative self image....No one on this site can help you....

 

Agreed that's one of many core issues which will take time. That doesn't mean I couldn't use advice to figure out problems that are immediate.

 

AGAIN

 

YOU ARE TOO HARD ON YOURSELF.

 

what she did to you, aka, leave you for someone else would drive anyone crazy. People have killed themselves over love. The fact that you are stating you should go NC is good. It show's you are doing good.

 

But yeah, negative self image, is very evident in your post. I'd recommend talking to someone during these hard time. (that does not make you weak) it makes you SMART and STRONG. Just go to your family doctor, tell them your having a hard time and would like to see a councilor. I just mean if you want to feel better, this is one of the best ways. You asked for hope, AND trust me they know how to make you feel better. :D

 

It sound's like it's been a few weeks since BU. YOU SHOULD NOT BE TALKING TO HER OR SEE HER. Your emotions are front row and center, not your brain. EVERYONE HAS BEEN THERE. It take's months for your brain to kick in. You are not thinking with your head right now. TRUST US.

 

You need space, just tell her that.

 

I read what you are typing and I get it but it's still avoiding my current dilemma. She's not pressuring me to stay in contact, I've trapped myself in it.

 

Yes she left me for someone, but honestly if anyone was put in her position I don't think they would choose differently. I do appreciate your kind words though, and I will be seeking therapy very soon.

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all_cats_rgray

You are being a doormat.

 

I'v been in the same situation as her. I could have left my boyfriend a million of times. BUT I didn't and that the difference between someone that deserves you and someone that does not. She's doing what's easy. You are say that the guy she left you for is better, and anyone in that position would do the same.

 

YOU ARE taking you worth for grated. YOU should be saying she left a man that would do and is an amazing person. What is this **** about "I understand" NO... she's a idiot.

 

I did the same, btw. But you have to step back. LOOK at yourself. YOU are an amazing person, you have so much to offer, and the fact she can see it is her fault.

 

AGAIN

 

self-worth, you can't see it. BUT we do. We see your low self-esteem.

 

AGAIN this is not complicated. YOU have to step back. Just say you need a month to be alone. Then you can re-evaluate how you feel. She's not going anywhere. You being around make's her get closer to this new boy. THERE this is the motivation for NC. You being around will bring her closer to the new bf.

 

I don't know how long your relationship was, but iv NC a year from a 7 year relationship. NC, is the way to go. Trust me.

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CompleteFailure

What you write is nice and appreciated, but you're giving me too much credit. My self esteem is low because I AM USELESS. I HAVE NOTHING. NO ONE. I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON.

 

She's 32, I'm 30. Her family pressures her about when we're getting married, when she's going to have kids. I don't work, have made no serious attempts over the last few years to get out of my head. We've fought a lot(most of it was due to my own issues and me just passing the buck constantly on to her). I do crazy stuff like move furniture in front of doors when we travel in order to "protect" us.

 

I do agree that this is the easy way out for her in a way, but I can't fully blame her. I understand her side because I have to be accountable for my own cowardice in not seeking help sooner. These self actualization's only came after knowing she wanted to be apart. Maybe someone stronger would stay and fight but it just isn't that easy. How can I really expect that of her, especially since there is a new BF to replace me. I honestly don't think any man/woman would have put up with that and for as long as she did. I know that deep down there's something there, but at the same time it makes sense that she's been looking out for something better to come along while holding on to me for support/comfort/companionship/caretaker/ego boost and as a "trophy wife".

 

I really appreciate what you're trying to do all_cats but in this specific situation it really is me, the bad guy. I'm just trying to find and play out a scenario in my head where I can go NC and accomplish the outcome that I've outlined in my previous posts.

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CompleteFailure

So I ended up meeting up and staying at her place again last night. Our interaction was good, I held back my clingy, needy self(most of the time) and just talked with her about normal things. The other day when I was kind of being pushy, I was saying that part of the reason I went back was to see if we could go back to our arrangement with her being less distant in certain situations. At the time she outright refused and whatever, so I just asked if I could spend the night. This is how I trapped myself and am still looking for a solution.

 

At the moment I kind of flip between "Okay, I can handle this(being a friend, being used, I'm strong enough, I owe her that much)" and "OMFG what have I done now, how do I fix this without making it worse." I'm really confused between knowing what everyone says to do(NC), and doing the unconventional. I'm able to justify both sides of it but I keep thinking to myself, "If I've already lost her, why not accept it, get what I can take, help her where I can, and maintain my own composure. Put myself in the middle of the battlefield and learn to deal with the emotions head on. Meanwhile, get my own act together and move on with at least the support from her as a friend." Isn't that ultimately what I should be striving for post breakup? Though on the other hand, I know I haven't fully moved on because I still want hope for things to work out and have these internal conflicts.

 

Parting this morning, I didn't mention anything about getting together or talking/keeping in touch or our arrangement. I kept it light and when we said our goodbyes she just said I'll ttyl and I said see ya. She sent me a text after work saying she was going out for dinner and that she would give me a shout later.

 

I know everyone keeps saying NC, but I think I dropped myself in some major sh.t, and still don't know how to dig myself out the way I'm hoping too.

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You seriously need to consider self-improvement, becoming a better version of yourself, before you can even consider having a meaningful relationship.

 

Worried about the abyss you think you've gotten yourself into? Simple, read the no-contact guideline. No explanation needed, ignore her.

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CompleteFailure
You seriously need to consider self-improvement, becoming a better version of yourself, before you can even consider having a meaningful relationship.

 

Worried about the abyss you think you've gotten yourself into? Simple, read the no-contact guideline. No explanation needed, ignore her.

 

Yes I need help, and improvement. I've been making small adjustments to my lifestyle and personality/communication. Staying with her allows me to keep some real form of constant physical human interaction on a consistent basis. Thus allowing me to modify my behavior and thoughts real time. Its just bizarre because its counter-intuitive to what my real goal is of getting back together with her. I know people here frown on that sort of thing but it is what it is. This situation helps me to get better but at the same time I'm losing her slowly. NC helps me get better slower but at the same time I lose her instantly and seemingly forever? Or is it parts of one and parts of two and parts of one and two? ...

 

How do I do this in a way that meets my own wants? We are like family. I don't want her to hate me for toying with her patience and openness to include me in her life. Will I never get a response because it comes across as manipulative?

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SalientPoint

Ok, so this might be an unpopular opinion, but I think deep down from your posts you have a rational head on your shoulders and in the end will do what's best. I think that in most normal relationships that don't end mutually there usually is one party that's slightly more to blame than the other. This discounts acts of God like someone getting in a horrible car crash and becoming a vegetable, I just mean that one party is usually even if only by .01% more likely to be more committed to the relationship and working things out than the other. I can't speak for you, but if you personally feel like you didn't do enough to sort your problems out (ie she spoke openly and fairly with you several times and said, " if you don't seek help for X, then I will be forced to do Y, because I am willing to compromise on Z, Z1, and Z2, but I need you to meet me halfway" then it's actually a good thing to feel responsible cause maybe it will finally motivate you to seek help or change so you don't blow it for the next girl that comes along that may be perfect for you. What happened to you was absolutely horrible and in no way your fault, but you should really focus on seeking professional help for it, and dealing with your self described issues for your own benefit and no on else so that you can live a rich life on your own. Also, I don't think that you should ever settle for being this girl's backup, even if you do feel responsible for the break up, because you do sound like you're trying to learn from things, and basically saying that your self esteem is so low you're willing to wait around while she's actively with some other guy, is not attractive in any way shape or form to this girl, and you shouldn't debase yourself like that. Basically, if you in your heart feel that you are responsible for your breakup and she tried like hell on her end to stay together, then that can be a relevant feeling you should learn from, but don't grovel at her anymore, and seek help to make your life better for your own sake.

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