How do you cope?

[L.D.N.]

I'm not sure if this is a case of GIG syndrome (I had honestly never heard of this until now), but my boyfriend broke up with me just over a month ago after 3 years together and it absolutely knocked me for six.

 

I know people say that there are warning signs, but I honestly saw none and I'm quite perceptive when it comes to these sorts of things - I suppose I've had good practice since I'm usually the one getting dumped. He text me like normal and was not at all distant, he even told me he loved me a few hours prior to breaking up. The last time we had met before breaking up we got on well and we had no major arguments/compatibility issues.

 

He came over as we were planning to catch a film, but he was in a state. I was concerned and asked what was wrong, thinking he was anxious over his future (everything is rather up in the air at the moment, he's moving cities and changing jobs); but he told me that he wanted to break up. My jaw fell to the floor as it was the last thing I expected, and I asked him why. He just said 'I don't know' and started sobbing. He said he didn't know if he would be happy with me in the future and I asked why that was, and again he said he didn't know. I asked when he had been feeling like this from and he just said 'a couple of days, but the feeling is quite strong'. He said that he was still in love with me but that this new feeling was incompatible with it, and he's not sure how the new feeling came about. There is also no one else. He's a brutally honest person and I really don't think he would consider not telling me if there was someone else.

 

I'm pretty shocked and obviously upset. I've reasoned that I'm probably not going to get any better answer, so I should cut my losses and move on, it just seems like such a shame to me.

 

I've still text him, but it's usually only to respond to his texts asking how I am etc. He's dropping off my things that were in his home in a couple of weeks, after that point is that when there should be no contact? I feel like that's what I need to do in order to cope, but at the same it just seems so difficult to do and I'm not sure if I'm a strong enough person to completely cut off contact. How do you manage it?

Edited April 5, 2013 by L.D.N.

[NoLeafClover]

How do you manage it?

With a lot of mastrubation

[L.D.N.]

With a lot of mastrubation

 

Thanks for the laugh .

[mtnbiker3000]

Ha! I don't think he is joking. Does help

[Damsel in Distress]

I would read the NC guide several times through and keep reading posts here on LS to convince yourself of how and why NC works.

 

I didn't really have a choice in NC - my ex disappeared and hasn't responded to any attempts. I certainly wasn't happy about that and have had a lot of anger at him refusing any contact (e.g. "why doesn't he care?!" ), but I have to give him credit - he's doing us both a favor, and eventually I'm sure I will appreciate that.

 

As far as initiating NC, I'm not clear myself on the best method. It seems to me that the best method is to notify the person (because I believe in communication!) letting them know you that you are going NC to help you move on, and you ask that they respect that. although I think some people just stop responding/contacting without communicating that to the other person.

 

True NC means deleting them off your phone, deleting all the texts/emails, etc, boxing up all the mementos, deleting and blocking phone/social media/email. I haven't been able to do that, and I know that will slow my recovery, but for the moment the only part of NC I am doing is not contacting him. That's taking a lot of effort - probably because I didn't block/delete all the other things! It's very hard to avoid looking out a window when there is a window there. and if you see him outside the window, it's very hard to ignore him and not wave.

 

When I do have urges to break NC I do whatever it takes - post on here, call a friend to talk me out of it, read posts I've saved from here about how the dumper feels/reacts when you make contact.

 

Is that a little more helpful than "lots of masturbation" ?? lol

 

 

Good luck. I'm so sorry you had to join us here, but it's strangely comforting to know that other people are in the same boat, and the advice is extremely helpful.

 

hang in there, and definitely try to get strong enough to go NC.

[RiceaRoni]

Ive beeb really good with NC although im still trying to get over everything it really does help..its also kinds good my ex never contacts me..

 

What really helps me is comedy movies and shows and going out with people who can makeme laugh and people I can have a good time with

[eachcomingnight]

Hey,

Writing to you because I'm in a similar situation and it has been therapeutic for me to read other people's experiences on here.

 

I was in a LDR for almost two years and about a month ago he expressed concern that he was feeling distant. Not a huge surprise there given that he WAS distant - a 7 hour plane ride away. However, we'd been weathering the distance well, and the time we spent together was always wonderful. I recognized the potential for a bigger issue here but was convinced if we could just see each other things would go back to normal.

 

So I went over to see him just over a week ago to see if we could work things out. He treated me almost completely normally for the first few days, and then on the eve of departure said that things didn't feel right anymore, and that it would be unfair for him to continue to string me along while he tried to figure them out.

 

He's given me a number of reasons, all of which have seemed paper-thin and not substantial enough to outweigh the positives in the relationship that we have had. He has also admitted that none of these reasons fully explain his feelings - I suppose because he doesn't actually understand his reasons.

 

Having been through a few messy breakups which were prolonged by contact, I told him in the early stages of this issue that if we were to break up I would not be able to remain friends with him. Over the past few weeks, he has repeatedly brought up the possibility of remaining friends, and even asked me as I was packing up my things to come back home if I would check in with him and let him know I was okay. I almost laughed at this and reiterated what I said before. It is not because I am angry at him or because I want to manipulate him, but because it is not worth the hope that will be conjured up every time I hear from him.

 

This is what I would say:

No contact is - in my own experience - much harder initially than accepting contact, because you are literally forced to go from having someone be at the center of your life to having them play no role at all in your life. Whereas if you continue contact then you are not faced with the idea of fully losing them. You cling on to that contact. My first few days of not contacting him, I was in so much pain that I wanted to disappear. I have tried to keep myself busy whenever possible, with friends, books, netflix, anything to try to take my mind off it. Sometimes it's not possible to take your mind off it and you just need to find your own space and cry and listen to sad music and begin to flush it out of your system.

 

It is really, really hard. And you will find the majority of the posts on here about break-ups remind you to focus on the negatives. Unfortunately for me (although it was not so unfortunate during the actual relationship!), my boyfriend was amazing throughout our entire time together. He is a truly wonderful person and has always treated me well. I can count on one hand the number of things about him that have irritated me in the past, and those were never enough to make me once consider looking for somebody else. So I can't focus on the bad. I am trying to keep in mind the idea that "it is what it is." His feelings have changed, or he is unsure of them, or whatever. There is no point in arguing or forcing a relationship onto him that he is not sure what he wants. Why doesn't he want it anymore? Who knows. In my case, he may very well be panicking about "settling down" and about the future. But begging, pleading, compromising myself will not help him figure things out. I suggest ceasing communication as soon as you can and letting both of you have time and space.

[dkwtd]

Trust me don't waste a day more on this guy! He might be really sweet, nice, etc and you guys may have had few to none problems (my ex and I did too) - but he's not going to get any more "sure".

 

You'll feel a lot better if he stops contacting you. Just explain to him that he's really hurt you and you need to heal - this means completely NC (probably forever) and that it's nothing personal. Yes, you'll miss him, but think about how much worse it's going to be if you don't let him go now.

 

I've been there, I cried, I appeared to not be needy and tried to give him space, and he "changed his mind" a few times. He always says how great I am and he can't imagine being without me and is depressed without me, but it always seems to come back though. I think some people are just always anxious about their futures, etc like this.

[dkwtd]

Don't expect to heal so quickly from a long term relationship either! You're going to feel upset, probably for months, this is normal. You just have to keep finding ways to make yourself happy!

[Thunderchild]

I just have to remember what happened with my ex to be able to cope with her absence from my life. She cheated on me and fell pregnant to the other guy - totally unacceptable. At the BU she trotted out a load of excuses and didn't take responsibility for her actions. Her 'apology' was totally insincere - which I rejected. That kind of utterly selfish individual has no place in my life.

 

She threw away what we had and I have no intention of reconciling (ever). She is deep in denial (the default setting for cheaters) so not likely to be stricken with conscience any time soon

 

I'll move on - and that's what keeps me strong in No Contact.

 

It was difficult to start with, but once I had decided that she wasn't ever coming back the decision created its own momentum. So, now I'm out there again with old friends and making new ones as well as building a new life for myself. I've started losing weight (I'm down nearly 2 stone since the BU and it's gonna cost me a fortune in new clothes that fit). I'm getting fit, my literary career is flourishing and my eye is already wandering onto other ladies (!) I'm nowhere near ready to consider another relationship just yet, but there's nothing wrong with looking at what is out there for future reference.

 

I've still got a long way to go though. Because she was such a bi*tch the feelings of anger and outrage still persist and there are times when I feel like I could kill her or do her physical harm without a moment's hesitation. My sleep pattern hasn't returned to normal yet and that's after 6 or 7 weeks NC.

 

In a way what she did make the healing process slightly easier. It's those people who still hold out hope (in those horrible ambiguous situations) of reconciling that I often feel quite sorry for. It must be utter torture for them.

 

Stay strong and keep posting on here when things get grim.

[itto ogami]

No Contact is the strongest life preserver you will have. It's the goal around the others you need to move forward. And yes, it's the hardest goal for many - I didn't realize until I instigated it. But it's the one that makes the most sense and will work in healing you faster than any other.