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Breadcrumbs or no breadcrumbs?


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singme2sleep

Is it better for the healing process to receive breadcrumbs or none at all? When you get none you assume they don't care at all and when you get them, it puts your hopes up. So which is better?

 

My ex has only given me one, and it just confused me more. Do they do it out of pity or in moments of doubt on their part?

 

Anyone want to share a story...lol

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singme2sleep
Same story different day eh sm2s...

 

What is that supposed to mean??

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all_cats_rgray
What is that supposed to mean??

 

I think he/she is trying to say, breadcrumbs or no breadcrumbs you are still dumped. And in pain. It doesn't matter, I got no breadcrumbs and it hurt. If I got breadcrumbs now I would not believe him. But the story is the same, they don't want to be with you breadcrumbs or no breadcrumbs.

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witmadskilllz

breadcrumbs doesn't necessarily mean that they miss you or want reconciliation. It can really set you back 10 folds and imo it's not worth it. You're better off in the long run of healing quicker so you'll be ready when the right one comes : )

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Sing,

 

I’ve been under both situations and MACK is right, it doesn’t matter the outcome is the same, however with experience (if that is something any of us want to admit) you can make better sense of it.

 

With no breadcrumbs you will for the most part move thru your recovery quicker; the only focus is on you.

 

With breadcrumbs you are shifting focus to them, often, and in that worry more of their needs than yours in some ways. Have you ever read some posters who comment “I received an email from my EX, what does it mean?” or after they read and interpret a communication or worse an action to the best of their ability ask us here “do you think they want me back”. Like any of really know. Regardless due to the nature of their questions they as dumpee’s are now focusing on the dumper. Get what I’m saying? :rolleyes:

 

As we become experienced (here I go admitting it again, lol) we realize how to turn a breadcrumb around and either not react if we do not hear the mention or begging of a reconciliation or become involved in just one volley communication and ask straight out “what are your intentions for contacting me”. As I said experience can drive these behaviors whereas someone new to love and break ups becomes significantly confused by breadcrumbs.

 

The thing is, like MACK and another poster are implying, the end result is the same, you, me, others are plain hurting and trying to recover. To return to the happy life we once knew. AND WE WILL!

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I think he is trying to say, breadcrumbs or no breadcrumbs you are still dumped. And in pain. It doesn't matter, I got no breadcrumbs and it hurt. If I got breadcrumbs now I would not believe him. But the story is the same, they don't want to be with you breadcrumbs or no breadcrumbs.

 

Exactly. Sooner rather than later, you are going to have to start healing in a progressive way. These threads (30 since Feb 24th) you post are more or less always about the same kind of thing. You have already gotten great advice and support on these threads. When are you going to start truly letting him go and start to make some real moves forward?

 

I understand you are hurting. I've been there, we all have but there comes a stage in every post breakup, where you need to pull yourself up from the bootstraps and start getting yourself of this rut that you are in. The longer you stay in this funk, the longer the road back and the bigger the impact it will have on your life going forward.

 

You are broken up nearly 3 months now right? At some stage you have to say ENOUGH. You have to want to help yourself. These threads don't help you.

Edited by Mack05
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ThatJustHappened
Is it better for the healing process to receive breadcrumbs or none at all? When you get none you assume they don't care at all and when you get them, it puts your hopes up. So which is better?

 

My ex has only given me one, and it just confused me more. Do they do it out of pity or in moments of doubt on their part?

 

Anyone want to share a story...lol

 

You'll never know whether it's pity, guilt, or doubt. That's why breadcrumbs should be ignored.

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Hey Mack,

 

I don’t disagree with your synopsis at all, but keep in mind each person is understanding themselves in this process and for some, the gravity of what they are feeling is truly new, so it takes more time to understand they are stuck as they search for answers.

 

I’ve followed SINGs posts as well. She is not asking anything different that I did once upon a time. To me she is really trying to understand how someone walked out of her life in what she sees as contradictory to the person she knew. She appears to be reading other posts here in LS about reconciliations and breadcrumbs and probably wondering “what about me”.

 

Again, your summary is dead on; I just think SING is learning along with the rest of us.

 

 

 

Exactly. Sooner rather than later, you are going to have to start healing in a progressive way. These threads (30 since Feb 24th) you post are more or less always about the same kind of thing. You have gotten great advice and support on these threads. When are you going to start truly letting him go and start to make some real moves forward?

 

I understand you are hurting. I've been there, we all have but there comes a stage in every post breakup, where you need to pull yourself up from the bootstraps and start getting yourself of this rut that you are in. The longer you stay in this funk, the longer the road back and the bigger the impact it will have on your life going forward.

 

You are broken up nearly 3 months now right? At some stage you have to say ENOUGH. You have to want to help yourself. These threads don't help you.

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singme2sleep
Exactly. Sooner rather than later, you are going to have to start healing in a progressive way. These threads (30 since Feb 24th) you post are more or less always about the same kind of thing. You have gotten great advice and support on these threads. When are you going to start truly letting him go and start to make some real moves forward?

 

I understand you are hurting. I've been there, we all have but there comes a stage in every post breakup, where you need to pull yourself up from the bootstraps and start getting yourself of this rut that you are in. The longer you stay in this funk, the longer the road back and the bigger the impact it will have on your life going forward.

 

You are broken up nearly 3 months now right? At some stage you have to say ENOUGH. You have to want to help yourself. These threads don't help you.

 

I appreciate the tough love. It may not seem like it but I am trying to let him go. It's just that on my deepest level I really felt he was the one. I've never been the dumpee before, with other guys I was the one who walked away. This was the first time that I really felt...

 

I know it's over and I've been telling myself he isn't coming back but I'm just the kind of person who takes a long time to recover from a loss.

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ThatJustHappened
I appreciate the tough love. It may not seem like it but I am trying to let him go. It's just that on my deepest level I really felt he was the one. I've never been the dumpee before, with other guys I was the one who walked away. This was the first time that I really felt...

 

I know it's over and I've been telling myself he isn't coming back but I'm just the kind of person who takes a long time to recover from a loss.

 

"The One" is a fallacy. There's no such thing. Most people do not end up with their first loves but that doesn't mean they weren't in love with them. You can fall in love with more than one person in your lifetime and have multiple 'ones'. People grow and change all the time..sometimes they outgrow each other or need different qualities in a partner at different times of their lives. I think calling someone 'The One' minimizes all of your other relationships, past and future.

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singme2sleep
Hey Mack,

 

I don’t disagree with your synopsis at all, but keep in mind each person is understanding themselves in this process and for some, the gravity of what they are feeling is truly new, so it takes more time to understand they are stuck as they search for answers.

 

I’ve followed SINGs posts as well. She is not asking anything different that I did once upon a time. To me she is really trying to understand how someone walked out of her life in what she sees as contradictory to the person she knew. She appears to be reading other posts here in LS about reconciliations and breadcrumbs and probably wondering “what about me”.

 

Again, your summary is dead on; I just think SING is learning along with the rest of us.

 

Thanks for defending me lol. It's just all part of my process of like you said "understanding how someone walked out of my life" which was indeed contradictory of his actions during our relationship. He was the one saying we were a perfect match, he was the one talking about getting me a ring and what we would name our kids! I was the trepidacious one and somewhere along the way we switched roles somehow. I fell deeper in love as he pulled away. And I guess my heart and head are still attempting to process this.

 

As Mack so bluntly pointed out, it's almost been 3 months yes. However I think that in terms of losing the person you thought you were going to marry, that's nothing. Years from now I won't be sitting in a convent crying over him, but at this point in time, I'm just not yet at the 'over him' place.

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singme2sleep

Also in my defense, I would like to point out that there are people on this site who are much farther post breakup than me, and still not ok.

 

If this isn't a place where I can talk openly about my feelings without being judged, them perhaps I should leave.

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I appreciate the tough love. It may not seem like it but I am trying to let him go. It's just that on my deepest level I really felt he was the one. I've never been the dumpee before, with other guys I was the one who walked away. This was the first time that I really felt...

 

I know it's over and I've been telling myself he isn't coming back but I'm just the kind of person who takes a long time to recover from a loss.

 

I'm sorry if my 'love' appears tough. I don't go out with the intention of hurting people here. I definitely don't want you to leave. I want use to use this site to help you move forward. Not to keep you stuck in the rut you are currently in..It's perfectly ok not to be over him. What I want you to do is start taking baby positive steps forward.

 

Can I tell you what I see between the lines? An incredibly sweet, kind, honest, loyal, genuine girl. This guy doesn't deserve you. The longer you spend hung up on a guy who doesn't deserve you, the longer you will deprive yourself of someone who does deserve you.

 

One of my favourite quotes in a movie is from the holiday."In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend".

 

Get this 'one' stuff out of your head. I'm like TJH I don't believe in it, but even if you do he is not 'the one'. The one doesn't break your heart. He treasures it. He wakes up every morning and goes "Oh my god, I'm sleeping next to singme2sleep. How lucky am I!".

 

The problem you are having is you are romanticising this guy. Making him out to be better then he actually is. If he was all that he wouldn't have quit on you when the going got tough. There is nothing special about people who quit when things get hard. Trust me on that...

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Sing,

 

What you said below in the quote box is “key to your learning process” as it was mine. You felt you had to be sure about him, you were evaluating, and in that time period the other person pulled back and in response you pushed or fell in love more. You have probably read about pull and push from many sources, although it is normally referenced in the post break up stages rather than in the pre-break up timing as you describe.

 

This “timing” and pulling and pushing has happened to me before and this is what I learned from it:

 

  1. There is nothing wrong with taking your time to be sure, to evaluate, to get to know thyself and the other person in a reasonable amount of time
     
  2. When a partner pulls away or leaves because you are not marching to their pace or goals, BEWARE, this is almost certainly a person who thinks of themselves first and you second and may not be into the relationship in the same way you are. Not always, but it is a caution flag.

 

 

 

I was the trepidacious one and somewhere along the way we switched roles somehow. I fell deeper in love as he pulled away. And I guess my heart and head are still attempting to process this.

 

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Also in my defense, I would like to point out that there are people on this site who are much farther post breakup than me, and still not ok.

 

If this isn't a place where I can talk openly about my feelings without being judged, them perhaps I should leave.

 

SM2S,

Please don't stop posting, I'm sure it's helpful for you to have this outlet. I know it is for me. I truly know exactly how you feel...I am much older than you, but my breakup is just as painful and hard to understand even though I have more experience with such things. I think for some people it just takes longer. I wish I could convince myself to stop obsessing and wondering and waiting, and that he's not really worth it, but I am just not wired that way and I never have been. So it's helpful for me to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. And one day, hopefully, both of us will truly move on, but I understand that takes time - and a different amount of time for everyone.

 

I wish I could PM you...not sure hwen I'll be able to do that though.

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Prefer you keep posting your comments here rather than PM as they are surely helping SING and others.

 

SM2S,

Please don't stop posting, I'm sure it's helpful for you to have this outlet. I know it is for me. I truly know exactly how you feel...I am much older than you, but my breakup is just as painful and hard to understand even though I have more experience with such things. I think for some people it just takes longer. I wish I could convince myself to stop obsessing and wondering and waiting, and that he's not really worth it, but I am just not wired that way and I never have been. So it's helpful for me to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. And one day, hopefully, both of us will truly move on, but I understand that takes time - and a different amount of time for everyone.

 

I wish I could PM you...not sure hwen I'll be able to do that though.

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singme2sleep
I'm sorry if my 'love' appears tough. I don't go out with the intention of hurting people here. I definitely don't want you to leave. I want use to use this site to help you move forward. Not to keep you stuck in the rut you are currently in..It's perfectly ok not to be over him. What I want you to do is start taking baby positive steps forward.

 

Can I tell you what I see between the lines? An incredibly sweet, kind, honest, loyal, genuine girl. This guy doesn't deserve you. The longer you spend hung up on a guy who doesn't deserve you, the longer you will deprive yourself of someone who does deserve you.

 

One of my favourite quotes in a movie is from the holiday."In the movies we have leading ladies and we have the best friend. You, I can tell, are a leading lady, but for some reason you are behaving like the best friend".

 

Get this 'one' stuff out of your head. I'm like TJH I don't believe in it, but even if you do he is not 'the one'. The one doesn't break your heart. He treasures it. He wakes up every morning and goes "Oh my god, I'm sleeping next to singme2sleep. How lucky am I!".

 

The problem you are having is you are romanticising this guy. Making him out to be better then he actually is. If he was all that he wouldn't have quit on you when the going got tough. There is nothing special about people who quit when things get hard. Trust me on that...

 

I'm sorry for freaking a bit, as you can tell I'm a defensive person. Thank you for the compliments and you're not the first person to say he doesn't deserve me.

 

You mentioned taking baby steps, like how?

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mtnbiker3000
He was the one saying we were a perfect match, he was the one talking about getting me a ring and what we would name our kids! I was the trepidacious one and somewhere along the way we switched roles somehow. I fell deeper in love as he pulled away. And I guess my heart and head are still attempting to process this.

 

Yeah, I seemed to have switched rolls somewhere along the way as well. At first, she couldn't stand to be apart. So I gave that to her, cuz that's what I wanted too. By the end, she couldn't stand to be near. I think this is called the 'push/pull' theory. Almost seems like you need to stay just distant enough to always project some mystery and doubt. As soon as you let them know that you are here for them no matter what, and always will be... BAM! Now they aren't so interested any more. You pull more on the relationship and they push away more, until it is finito and were left a soggy puddle on the floor :(

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singme2sleep
SM2S,

Please don't stop posting, I'm sure it's helpful for you to have this outlet. I know it is for me. I truly know exactly how you feel...I am much older than you, but my breakup is just as painful and hard to understand even though I have more experience with such things. I think for some people it just takes longer. I wish I could convince myself to stop obsessing and wondering and waiting, and that he's not really worth it, but I am just not wired that way and I never have been. So it's helpful for me to know that there are others out there going through the same thing. And one day, hopefully, both of us will truly move on, but I understand that takes time - and a different amount of time for everyone.

 

I wish I could PM you...not sure hwen I'll be able to do that though.

 

You should be able to PM soon, I was after a month.

 

Thanks for your kind words, I don't know what else to say other than I am trying. Just every time I think I'm doing better I fall 2 steps back again. I keep telling myself he didn't fight for me and I deserve someone who will fight for me.

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I'm sorry for freaking a bit, as you can tell I'm a defensive person. Thank you for the compliments and you're not the first person to say he doesn't deserve me.

 

You mentioned taking baby steps, like how?

 

This is the first one....Wondering about things you can do to help you move forward..Just try keep an open mind. Sometimes we have to try different things to help us move forward. Some work, some don't. The one thing I do know is the mind is a very negative tool when used in the wrong way post breakup.

 

I will PM you tomorrow with stuff that helped me. Right now there are beers to be drank :D and I'm already dead late. Hope you have a good weekend Sing.

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singme2sleep
Sing,

 

What you said below in the quote box is “key to your learning process” as it was mine. You felt you had to be sure about him, you were evaluating, and in that time period the other person pulled back and in response you pushed or fell in love more. You have probably read about pull and push from many sources, although it is normally referenced in the post break up stages rather than in the pre-break up timing as you describe.

 

This “timing” and pulling and pushing has happened to me before and this is what I learned from it:

 

  1. There is nothing wrong with taking your time to be sure, to evaluate, to get to know thyself and the other person in a reasonable amount of time
     
  2. When a partner pulls away or leaves because you are not marching to their pace or goals, BEWARE, this is almost certainly a person who thinks of themselves first and you second and may not be into the relationship in the same way you are. Not always, but it is a caution flag.

 

Sometimes I think I'm foolish because I didn't see it coming. Like it was all too good to be true, so of course it had to end. For about 2 years I kept my heart locked up tight, wasn't even looking to get involved when I met him. But there was this instant attraction and not just physically. He opened me up, made me feel special in a way I hadn't before.

 

Then there are times when I think it was my fault, like if I had been better somehow he wouldn't have left. I know that's counterproductive when it comes to healing but like a friend of mine recently said, after a breakup your irrational thoughts take control!

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singme2sleep

I will PM you tomorrow with stuff that helped me. Right now there are beers to be drank :D and I'm already dead late. Hope you have a good weekend Sing.

 

Ok thanks...you too!

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ThatJustHappened
Sometimes I think I'm foolish because I didn't see it coming. Like it was all too good to be true, so of course it had to end. For about 2 years I kept my heart locked up tight, wasn't even looking to get involved when I met him. But there was this instant attraction and not just physically. He opened me up, made me feel special in a way I hadn't before.

 

Then there are times when I think it was my fault, like if I had been better somehow he wouldn't have left. I know that's counterproductive when it comes to healing but like a friend of mine recently said, after a breakup your irrational thoughts take control!

 

You're not foolish. I didn't see mine coming either.

 

Did you beat him? Insult him? Kick his dog? Hit his mother with your car? Were you needy, pushy, rude, heartless, or stinky? If the answers to all of those questions are no, then it probably wasn't your fault. People grow apart all the time. It's sad but true.

 

There's definitely more than one "one" for everybody. The next "one" will come along..probably sooner than you think.

 

Don't stop posting..get it all out of your system here so you don't lose friends in real life like I did. You may get tough love sometimes but it's only because other people know what you're going through and are trying to help.

 

Hope you feel better soon.

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