I lost him to an abusive ex

[ChristinaB]

Hi Everyone,

 

I need some input....

 

I met the most amazing wonderful man and had a couple (yes, only a couple) of months together and then things suddenly fell apart and he broke up with me. He realized he wasn't quite done with his ex.

 

This ex of his has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). She's violent (she's given him black eyes, bit him hard enough to draw blood and leave a bruise the size of a baseball), she's forged cheques in his name, you name it. But he keeps going back to her. He says he hates himself for doing it, but he goes back.

 

Common sense would tell me to stay away from this mess because until/if he gets this woman out of the picture, things will never change.

 

However, he told me he loved me...more than once and he told me this after we broke up. He said he thought I was a perfect girlfriend and didn't know why he couldn't just commit to me. He then told me he wasn't in love with me and didn't feel that hunger sexually (strange that that would disappear so completely because he couldn't get enough of me before and we were on the same page there too). He told me this, but then said his biggest fear is that by the time he gets his head on straight, I'll be long gone with someone else.

 

He says he doesn't want me, is acting increasingly distant, yet he made a point of buying my son (5) a birthday present, bringing it by, wishing him a happy birthday, coming to my family dinner....basically being a part of my life. It's like he wants to be with me, when we're together things are amazing, but as soon as we're not together, he gets into some other headspace and disappears.

 

Other than my whining here, does anyone have any thoughts? I think he's a mess mentally but I do love him. Does anyone here think he'll come back to me? Should I try to forget him? Is there anything I can do? What? This has just been such an emotional rollercoaster for me.

[CC12]

Common sense would tell me to stay away from this mess because until/if he gets this woman out of the picture, things will never change.

 

It's not about the other woman. It's him. He is making these decisions. He broke up with you. He then told you he doesn't want you. There might be some craaaaazy ex in the picture, but he chose to tell you those things and break up with you.

 

I do not understand why he's still attending your family dinners and buying birthday gifts for your son (which is ****ing weird, why are you allowing that?) Are you inviting him to these things?

 

I think you should try to forget about him. You haven't known him for very long at all and there are already some unhealthy behaviors from both sides. And also, he broke up with you. Don't forget about that.

[TaraMaiden]

It's not about the other woman. It's him....

 

Not even...

This is about you.

 

Why are you allowing him to even figure in your life any more?

Cut him off.

 

He is turning you into his Best Friend.

He is turning you into his haven of safety, a sanctuary from the madness, a 'soft place to fall'.

 

He may be in the same position as many women who remain with abusive husbands - there's an underlying 'obligation' to stay with someone who's 'broken', because the abused person believes they're needed, and that the abuser couldn't manage without them....

 

That's not your concern.

your concern is to not be used by this man as a buffer....

 

You need to cut him off and deny him the availability of your presence.

He can't have this both ways.

He's made his decision.

 

Like it or not - this is down to you to stop.

[CC12]

Not even...

This is about you.

 

You quoted me, so I feel I have an obligation to reply to it.

 

Pfffffuuuuuuuuuuuugh. I just can't do it.

 

Can you make your point without disagreeing with my opinion? Thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

 

What....?

 

Edit:

If I read you right - then get over yourself - I responded to the OP.

 

I quoted you to put my statement into context. This isn't about disagreeing with you, it's about emphasis.

 

If I didn't read you right, I have no idea what your point actually is.

Edited April 4, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[todreaminblue]

You quoted me, so I feel I have an obligation to reply to it.

 

Pfffffuuuuuuuuuuuugh. I just can't do it.

 

Can you make your point without disagreeing with my opinion? Thanks.

 

 

i think tara actually enforced a lot of what your opinion stated....with some additional points of interest..your statement was emotive and succinct......taras was as well...with a different perspective....same lines.......deb

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah CC12 - that's the only point you're picking on - insofar as the message to the OP is concerned, we're basically on the same page....

 

Aren't we..?

[ChristinaB]

Thank you both for your input. You're both right. Subconsciously, I know I have to walk away.... But I love the guy and love being with him... But as one of you said, he made his decision, so I guess I need to move on....

[crustyjojo]

Hi ChristinaB

 

I am in not a disimilar situation to you. Met a wonderful guy - completely loving, caring, smart, similar interests etc. He told me he loved me first and his family were thrilled about us being together. They thought he was finally in a mature relationship. We are both 40 by the way.

 

Then his ex came sniffing around and would not leave him alone. She has been breadcrumbing him for the last 8 months since they broke up. She broke up with him. So he came clean and said he had unresolved feelings for her and has gone back with her.

 

For once after a breakup, and I have been divorced too, I did no begging or pleading as I knew that would make no difference. He needs to find out for himself if they will work. Him and his family at different points have said she is selfish, and an attention seeker. He told me that she apparently self harms. His sister (older than us) told me the girl is just manipulative and plays on him.

 

Well as much as I still cry myself to sleep at night missing him, I am trying to rebuild my life. We cannot make them come back to us, but hope at some point in the future they realise that they are fooling themselves, or being made a fool of, and they then realise what a mistake they have made.

 

I know this may not be the greatest comfort to you other than that someone is in a similar boat - but that is how I am dealing with it.

[ChristinaB]

Thanks for sharing. It's a horrid feeling to go through but yeah, you're right, it's always nice to know you're not the only one (not that I'd wish this upon others). I guess what I'm learning from this is that not everyone wants a good relationship and as one of the people above pointed out... He's made his choice. And now moving on! Lol

 

Oh and I'm 38, so nearly the same age as you... Not to knock teenage romances but this is.. Well... Different.

[WhoreyBull]

I find, moving on completely is the best way of getting someone interested in you again.

And I don't want to be rude, but this guy was probably emotionally invested in his ex the whole time. Whether or not that means emotional or physical contact who knows.

He told you were "perfect" and that he didn't know why he couldn't commit. That's what you tell someone you can't commit to because they aren't what you want and you don't want to hurt their feelings. He knows why he can't commit. He loves his ex, not you. His ex might be abusive but it sounds like that's the "perfect" girlfriend for him.

Find a guy who doesn't tell you that you are perfect. Find one that shows you commitment.

Good luck sweety.

[CC12]

Yeah CC12 - that's the only point you're picking on - insofar as the message to the OP is concerned, we're basically on the same page....

 

Aren't we..?

 

Yep.

 

I was oversensitive and strangely combative. Apologies.

 

OP, good luck with moving on.

[TheFriend]

Prespective of a male that was in abusive relationship.

 

 

Coming from a relationship that was emotionally abusive(no physical) i can tell you something hooks you. I have no clue what it is.... It could be the fact that you are always afraid of losing the person so you try harder and harder to please them, which I am not sure why, but it made me fall harder and harder. It must have something to do with the wanting what you can't have mentality. If you are a people pleaser like i was I think that is a massive disadvantage and leaves you open to more abuse then the average person would take.

 

I would have never ever put up with physical abuse but i guess at the time i didn't realize how emotionally abusive she was.

 

To stop hurting yourself i would recommend walking away:( I know that sucks to hear, but if my ex came back to me i would STILL get back with her even though I know it's the wrong decision. I have tried dating other girls but she still has me so mentally ****ed up that I can't enjoy others. It will take him a good amount of time to get over this one and if she is still in his life it will make it even more difficult. Hopefully he will hit a point where she does something so messed up something wil click in his head.

 

Any questions let me know:) hope this helps you

[ChristinaB]

Prespective of a male that was in abusive relationship.

 

 

Coming from a relationship that was emotionally abusive(no physical) i can tell you something hooks you. I have no clue what it is.... It could be the fact that you are always afraid of losing the person so you try harder and harder to please them, which I am not sure why, but it made me fall harder and harder. It must have something to do with the wanting what you can't have mentality. If you are a people pleaser like i was I think that is a massive disadvantage and leaves you open to more abuse then the average person would take.

 

I would have never ever put up with physical abuse but i guess at the time i didn't realize how emotionally abusive she was.

 

To stop hurting yourself i would recommend walking away:( I know that sucks to hear, but if my ex came back to me i would STILL get back with her even though I know it's the wrong decision. I have tried dating other girls but she still has me so mentally ****ed up that I can't enjoy others. It will take him a good amount of time to get over this one and if she is still in his life it will make it even more difficult. Hopefully he will hit a point where she does something so messed up something wil click in his head.

 

Any questions let me know:) hope this helps you

 

Thanks so much for sharing. Sadly, I know exactly what you mean. I dated an emotionally abusive guy for two years... And kept going back for more. Good thing he moved far away or I'd still be with him. Actually, there's a website I discovered that a website that was really helpful... Shrink4men.

[ChristinaB]

Prespective of a male that was in abusive relationship.

 

Coming from a relationship that was emotionally abusive(no physical) i can tell you something hooks you. I have no clue what it is.... It could be the fact that you are always afraid of losing the person so you try harder and harder to please them, which I am not sure why, but it made me fall harder and harder. It must have something to do with the wanting what you can't have mentality. If you are a people pleaser like i was I think that is a massive disadvantage and leaves you open to more abuse then the average person would take.

 

I would have never ever put up with physical abuse but i guess at the time i didn't realize how emotionally abusive she was.

 

To stop hurting yourself i would recommend walking away:( I know that sucks to hear, but if my ex came back to me i would STILL get back with her even though I know it's the wrong decision. I have tried dating other girls but she still has me so mentally ****ed up that I can't enjoy others. It will take him a good amount of time to get over this one and if she is still in his life it will make it even more difficult. Hopefully he will hit a point where she does something so messed up something wil click in his head.

 

Any questions let me know:) hope this helps you

 

Thanks so much for sharing. Sadly, I know exactly what you mean. I dated an emotionally abusive guy for two years... And kept going back for more. Good thing he moved far away or I'd still be with him. Actually, there's a website I discovered that a website that was really helpful... Shrink4men.

[TheFriend]

That website was a lifesaver for me a few months ago:)

[ChristinaB]

Yeah, I printed a bunch of stuff off it for my ex (the one I love, not the abusive one, lol)... It helped me a lot too, actually. Hopefully he'll read it when he's ready. Not much else I can do but move on, I guess. Sad.

[Rebecca1134]

This guy sucks...bottom line....it sounds EXACTLY like what happened to me...except that I'm the "abusive" ex. In reality, we are abusive to each other....there are always two sides of the story....I guarantee that he is abusive as well. Anyways, he wants you both, but he cant get over his ex. Its really hard, trust me. My ex and I broke up, he got with this new girl, then cheated on her with me and dumped her. A year later, we break up and hes back with her, while still texting me talking **** about her. So, just be warned.

[Rebecca1134]

I'm almost thankful that this chick is in his life..if it werent for her, I know we'd just keep going back and forth for eternity!

[crustyjojo]

Thanks for sharing. It's a horrid feeling to go through but yeah, you're right, it's always nice to know you're not the only one (not that I'd wish this upon others). I guess what I'm learning from this is that not everyone wants a good relationship and as one of the people above pointed out... He's made his choice. And now moving on! Lol

 

Oh and I'm 38, so nearly the same age as you... Not to knock teenage romances but this is.. Well... Different.

 

 

Hi

 

Not to knock the younger ones on here, but yes when you reach an older age and have had other relationships in the past, you know better what you are looking for and what works and clicks. This is what is making my situation all the more harder for me. I have had a number of LTR's including 11 years with my ex husband. I finally thought I had found the 'real one' and thought he had too. He even said himself he had told everyone how wonderful I was and how glad he was he met me.

 

Then to have that rug pulled from under you is soul destroying.

 

Like I said, I'm just trying to rebuild my life (again!). I know I can do it. What is making me feel better is that I know I did no wrong - even his father has cried to me over the whole situation.

 

Just keep telling yourself, that you were true to your soul in your relationship and that he really is the fool for losing you.

[ChristinaB]

Hi

 

Not to knock the younger ones on here, but yes when you reach an older age and have had other relationships in the past, you know better what you are looking for and what works and clicks. This is what is making my situation all the more harder for me. I have had a number of LTR's including 11 years with my ex husband. I finally thought I had found the 'real one' and thought he had too. He even said himself he had told everyone how wonderful I was and how glad he was he met me.

 

 

Yeah, that's exactly it. Same thing happened to me... We clicked amazingly well. We both thought this was perfect.... "the one". His friends and family liked me (and the ones that suspect he's back with the ex now are really upset). What gets me is that he still calls, still acts like he cares and still seems to be part of my life. I just can't do that. It's destroying me and now My friends want me to stay away from him because they see how miserable I am. Ugh.

 

Like you, I figure I was true to myself and acted like a decent person so I have no regrets. Just sadness... Which will pass with time.

[crustyjojo]

What gets me is that he still calls, still acts like he cares and still seems to be part of my life. I just can't do that. It's destroying me and now My friends want me to stay away from him because they see how miserable I am. Ugh.

.

 

This is really difficult to deal with. I still see my ex and his father regularly at a local sports club - there is no way of avoiding it. A couple of weeks ago I decided to go no contact although he said he still wanted us to be in touch and play sport together. I did this for me to heal.

 

I also went to see his father after i decided to go NC, to explain that if I did not talk to him at the club, it was not because I did not want to, but that it hurt too much and that I needed to move on. I did not want him to feel that I was just ignoring him. He cried again about the situation which was very hard for me to deal with, but in some ways is nice as it shows how much I meant to the family.

 

Your friends are right, and you need to stay away as much as is practically possible. He needs to sort his head out, but allow you to move on and do the same. No cake and eating it!

 

Since you and I are in such a similar situation and point in our lives ( and not many others on LS that I have found), feel free to keep in touch and I dont mind sharing how I am dealing with situations that arise.

 

Take Care

[ChristinaB]

This is really difficult to deal with. I still see my ex and his father regularly at a local sports club - there is no way of avoiding it. A couple of weeks ago I decided to go no contact although he said he still wanted us to be in touch and play sport together. I did this for me to heal.

 

I also went to see his father after i decided to go NC, to explain that if I did not talk to him at the club, it was not because I did not want to, but that it hurt too much and that I needed to move on. I did not want him to feel that I was just ignoring him. He cried again about the situation which was very hard for me to deal with, but in some ways is nice as it shows how much I meant to the family.

 

Your friends are right, and you need to stay away as much as is practically possible. He needs to sort his head out, but allow you to move on and do the same. No cake and eating it!

 

Since you and I are in such a similar situation and point in our lives ( and not many others on LS that I have found), feel free to keep in touch and I dont mind sharing how I am dealing with situations that arise.

 

Take Care

 

So how are things going with you? Are you in contact with your ex?

 

My guy finally decided to get the abusive woman out of the picture. Him and I have started "casually dating". Fair enough but this past weekend he saw his ex. He says they fought again (as usual) and now his mood is all off. Again. Ah, it's so frustrating. We get along so well and I love hanging out with him. He says he feels incredibly close to me but he doesn't want a relationship (but that I'm more than just a casual shag buddy) that he wants to take things really slow with me. Oh and that he's sorry he can't be more physical with me. I can see he's really trying but I'm starting to wonder if I should even hang around - I wonder if he actually sees me as relationship material or just a really good buddy (and my patience isn't infinite so at some point, I'm going to want/need someone who can meet my needs). Argh.