He Turned Into Gollum....(Sad)

[DoveHeart]

I broke up with my B/F of 5.5 years a little over a month ago..

 

The first 4 years were beyond fantastic...we never fought, we had the best times and our relationship was like a dream come true for me. Personality wise- he was funny, outgoing, laid back Type B kinda guy. I really thought he was "the one"....but then "it" happened....

 

What exactly happened, I will never know. He used to be into mountain biking and extreme sports. He went to train for a bike race, fell off of his bike and sustained a head injury (concussion I think) that he was never hospitalized for. In the weeks that followed, his personality changed dramatically....At first he was depressed, not talking then suddenly he began obsessing about the economic collapse of this country. He would spend all of his time visiting conspiracy websites and watching cnbc for any signs of collapse. This consumed all of his time and energy. This began in December of 2011....

 

Up until Feb 2012, he focused on hoarding food, he purchased a biodome and talked about growing his own food. Then in March 2012, he became obsessed with organic gardening. Again, reading and online all the time....I actually encouraged this because it seemed healthier than obsessing about the "end of the world".....

 

However, around May 2012 everything changed, for the worse. He had a new neighbor move next door and even before this guy moved in, T. decided he hated him. T. got into a huge confrontation with his new neighbor when the man chopped down some trees. T. insisted they were on his property when they were not. T. became enraged at this man and started obsessing about getting revenge on him. He even cut out two small windows in his walls to install security cameras to spy on him day and night! When the other neighbors in the neighborhood talked to the new neighbor, T. cut off all contact with them, THEN he began plotting revenge on them as well....how he would break up their marriages, etc. T. let his yard go to complete poop just to get revenge on the whole neighborhood. He called the fire department, police department and even the EPA on his neighbor just to harass this poor old guy....When the old man filed a harassment claim, T. went nuts!! He began hoarding guns....

 

Up until this point I had been watching and waiting to see if this was a temporary change or what, but by August, it had become apparent he was starting to pull away from me too. Small things - he stopped calling me by my nickname, never wanted to go out anymore (he said - We cant spend ANY money!! ) started criticizing me more and my kids too, I felt like I was walking on eggshells around him.

 

ARound September or October, he got this new obsession: To move into a trailer in the middle of nowhere. He was still obsessing about the world ending and his neighbor, but now he decided he had to move away because he hated his neighbor so much. I tried to gently point out how difficult it would be for him to be so isolated and he just got mad and yelled at me. He was making a new future for himself and it was obvious he was not thinking about me anymore in that future, which made me sad.

 

So in December he cashed in his 401K and netted 25K, along with that...another new obsession: buying an old 25K crack house downtown, renovating it , renting it out and becoming a slumlord. "I am going to get rich and retire in Ecuador and say F everyone!" he would say...So again, he would spend all his time driving around neighborhoods downtown, looking at houses online, etc. completely CONSUMED with this idea of buying a crappy house and eventually being a slumlord.

 

At the end of Feb. I tried to point out to him some logic....that any house he buys for 25 K was going to require a LOT of renovations (money he didnt have and the bank probably wouldnt lend him) . This is MY RETIREMENT he would shout at me. He refused to sell the house he owns because as a part of his plan of getting even with his neighbors, he said he would only rent it to a bunch of college kids or drug dealers to "make their lives hell"....

He called me selfish for me not wanting him to move away " It;s all about YOU, you selfish bitch!" he would yell...and " I don't want to hurt you anymore since you want to get married and move in...I cant live with anyone or marry anyone so there you go!" We broke up but not before he said that I "insulted his ideas for the last time" of his dreams

 

So here we are.....It is almost April. Last week I heard - He is still spending all his time driving around neighborhoods downtown looking for that perfect crack house to renovate. Rarely bikes anymore or does any fun things we used to do like rollerblade...and Getting more frustrated daily because he will probably never find that house that will make his life perfect in his mind. He has isolated himself from his friends, neighbors and now me.....

 

The guy who used to be carefree, fun and happy is now an angry, obsessive, paranoid, raging lunatic....It is sad. I miss the old T. so so so much and it has been VERY hard to move on because the old T. was such an amazing guy- caring, fun, empathetic, carefree.... but I know he will never come back. It is sad watching someone morph into some deranged individual I no longer know.... People DO change...

 

I still have dreams about me and the old T. , laughing , having fun and I miss that so very much. I miss doing things with him and his friendship more than anything in the world. It just tears me apart when I think about how wonderful things were before his accident....

 

I have tried to move on...been on a couple of dates but both of the guys were weirdos.....one was a complete narcissist and could only talk about himself constantly...So it doesn't give me much hope for the future at this point. Losing the Old T. was like a death that I am just coming to grips with (like he will never come back). I have tried to remain friends with him, but the last time I had a conversation with him he was mad and quiet. When I asked him what was wrong he said "nothing!" I then asked if he was mad at me "You You You - it's all about you! You are so selfish!" was his retort....so I can't even be his friend it looks like.

 

This is so painful, I hate being alone again especially now that I am older. It is painful because right up until Feb. 22nd he was telling me he loved me. Then he tells me a week later he never loved me and has lied to me for all these years, which I find hard to believe! But it still hurts! There is no other woman (i confirmed this with his neighbors and friends) He has just turned into another person....

 

I am so sad and feel like I can't go on some days...especially thinking about the Old T. I am trying so hard to move on, going to the gym, taking a trip next week, going on dates, but when I am alone I get VERY sad and depressed....

[Hermeister]

Hey there,

 

That's such a tragic story! You and T. seemed like you had the perfect relationship - something I hope one day to find. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of one year and that's painful enough, I can't imagine what you're going through! But nothing that's worth having in this world comes easy. You fought for your relationship for one and a half years, and nothing came of it. I'm not saying T. is a lost cause, but maybe some space will do you good. Who knows, maybe in a years time, he would've recovered and you guys will be as good as back in the old days! I know you feel depressed right now but that is completely normal in this situation. In fact, if you weren't feeling under the weather I would be concerned about you haha. The first step is to just admit to yourself that it isn't going to work out and just make the effort to get out of bed and go out with friends / do exercise / do anything to keep you busy. At first, it might seem extremely painful and difficult and the only thing you think about is the old T., but as time passes your pain will heal. In the meantime, you SHOULD date. I know you've had a couple of bad experiences trying to get back into the dating scene, but you're just unlucky. Give it a few more goes, and trust me, you'll find love again .

Edited April 1, 2013 by Hermeister

[CompleteFailure]

Do you know who his regular doctor is? Maybe you could talk to them about the symptoms and changes you've noticed after the accident. They might be able to persuade him into doing some tests.

[KraftDinner]

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. To have to watch the man you love morph into an unrecognizable, paranoid and possibly dellusional shell of who he once was...I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

 

I guess I KIND of went through something similar with my ex of nine years, who went from a fun, social, funny, sweet guy to a paranoid druggie, with me having no clue why he was acting so strangely. But no two situations are alike, obviously.

 

I have no advice. Just sending an e-hug.

[Lost Fish]

A traumatic brain injury like he sustained can cause dramatic personality changes.

 

But beyond all that, if you have kids you absolutely have to do what is best for their interests - and having a relationship with a man who holds delusional resentments and rage while hording guns is definitely not.

 

Look to your kids for strength. And your post shows you are a wonderful caring person, DoveHeart. Don't ever give up on love. Your guy is out there.

 

You have my strongest sympathies. I hope posting here gives you strength.

[Seachelle1]

I am so very sorry DoveHeart!

 

You are doing the right thing. Growing up my family was VERY close to a couple where this happened. They had kids my age and I saw what it did to the kids. The husband was in a car accident and sustained significant brain trauma, almost died. He lost his fantastic job and the family had to move and live on a shoestring where before they'd been very well off. There were five kids, three of them adopted and from really abusive previous homes. (The couple had originally taken them because they'd wanted to share their love and give them the best life possible.)

 

The husband began to beat the wife and became verbally abusive to the kids. She tried to stay with him for many years but finally left him. He would stalk her everywhere. The kids were very hurt by staying and it did nobody any good. He finally killed himself when I was 18. His youngest child was my age and I saw his pain and the pain of the whole family very closely. Before his death I remember her coming over and my mom tending her bruises and trying to convince her to leave him. Four of the kids managed to troop through but one of the kids who'd been adopted/abused previously went hardcore into meth and she has now disappeared, perhaps she is dead. For this reason alone I know you are doing the right thing. I don't know how much the staying with him contributed but it had to contribute to her going into drugs in some way.

 

The mother did eventually remarry. I hear she lives in a beautiful rural area and has a big flower garden. I see pictures of it on facebook. She seems happy. There is hope on the other side. And she was older just like you are.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are doing the right thing. Take care of your kids. Take care of your self. Give yourself time to mourn and heal what is lost.

[Seachelle1]

I am sorry! I re-read (I had skimmed before and I have been pretty off today) and realize you didn't mention kids, someone else did.

 

I've had a tough day. My mom actually has pretty bad brain damage and I had to take care of her this weekend. I'm at home now trying to take care of myself and cuddling my cat.

 

Life is hard sometimes. We'll get through it. You are strong. You had the strength to leave him. That's one of the biggest steps.

[Sugarkane]

So it is caused by a brain injury? Maybe tell his parents they need to take him to their GP.

[destroyed4sho]

Sounds like something happened to him caused by the accident. The symptoms sound like schizophrenia. Possibly the accident/depression triggered something. He should get that checked out for his own good.

[ThatJustHappened]

It sounds like he's sustained serious brain damage from his accident. He needs help..please get him to the doctor as soon as possible..he should have gone to the hospital the minute he hurt his head.

 

Normal break up rules do not apply in this case. He is a danger to himself and possibly to other people, especially if he's hoarding guns!! Call the police if you have to.

Edited April 1, 2013 by ThatJustHappened

[DoveHeart]

Thank you all so much for your kind words .

 

I have tried numerous times to get him to see counselors, doctors etc. to no avail. The sad thing is that he admitted he changed but thinks it is all due his new neighbor making him miserable.... His family is the type where they believe if u just ignore something it will go away so I have gotten no help or support from them.

 

I have a friend that is a counselor. I described what is going on and he believes

That T is in a state of mental decline...

 

The local police have T on their "nutter alert" list because he has

Called them so many times reporting his neighbor.

 

I am still occasionally in contact with T. Sometimes he is nice and other times he is mean as a snake. I never know which one it will be.

 

I appreciated everyone's input and stories and I know that our relationship

Could not survive his bizarre behavior and it will proabaly get worse with time.

 

I am currently trying to get back into shape. I walk everyday now . I am still sad but everyday it gets a little better and I try to be hopeful about the future.

[dreamingoftigers]

It sounds like a left frontal lobe injury.

 

Paranoia, aggression etc. Following a concussion.

 

Amen Brain Clinics do scans and have remarkable recoveries, even with such and injury.

 

My sympathies to you. My brother is severely brain injured. It's almost Luke watching the person die and this weird ghost that looks and sounds like them lives with you.

[dreamingoftigers]

I almost forgot.

 

I had a roommate I was very close friends with for six years that got hit by a car and developed similar symptoms. It was just impossible to maintain a friendship with him.

 

Weird when he (a 5'4" guy) kept pushing our other room mate who was over 7' and worked out like crazy to try and fight him. Dude would've been knocked out flat in one punch. But he wouldn't stop pushing. Even yelling at the guy over the way he ate his soup. Jeez.

[ThatJustHappened]

Thank you all so much for your kind words .

 

I have tried numerous times to get him to see counselors, doctors etc. to no avail. The sad thing is that he admitted he changed but thinks it is all due his new neighbor making him miserable.... His family is the type where they believe if u just ignore something it will go away so I have gotten no help or support from them.

 

I have a friend that is a counselor. I described what is going on and he believes

That T is in a state of mental decline...

 

The local police have T on their "nutter alert" list because he has

Called them so many times reporting his neighbor.

 

I am still occasionally in contact with T. Sometimes he is nice and other times he is mean as a snake. I never know which one it will be.

 

I appreciated everyone's input and stories and I know that our relationship

Could not survive his bizarre behavior and it will proabaly get worse with time.

 

I am currently trying to get back into shape. I walk everyday now . I am still sad but everyday it gets a little better and I try to be hopeful about the future.

 

You could try to 5150 him.

[Seachelle1]

What is 5150?

[Seachelle1]

My brother is severely brain injured. It's almost Luke watching the person die and this weird ghost that looks and sounds like them lives with you.

 

My mother was affected in the hypothalamus. (sp?) She's almost autistic now. I do feel like I've lost her. I love her SO much, ALWAYS but she is very very hard to deal with. My sister is amazing taking care of her.

 

My dad died and now my sis and I are trying to make the ends meet with no money in helping mom. My sis has had to quit her job. My mom can be infuriating.

 

I am so sorry about your brother. I understand some (everyone's story is different).

 

@Doveheart,

My heart is with you. There are support groups for stuff like this. People who have been through the exact same thing. I'm sure we'll all continue to listen and try to help here but maybe you should look for some further help offline and in person. I know there are very specific support groups in various religious hospitals.

 

I'm glad you're going out walking and that you're working for yourself. You need that, I imagine. I only wish I could do more for you.

 

I know the mother of the family I told you about had her church. I think they were ill-prepared to deal with that specific situation but it did give her friendship that she really needed and a constant community.

[DoveHeart]

Unfortunately in the state I reside in only a family member can request a 5150. They can do a temp psych hold if the person presents a imminent danger to themselves or another. I have consulted with a psychiatrist and they can only do a "duty to warn " if the person has made a specific threat . Even then it has to be witnessed. I was going to school for counseling and it was really surprising to me to find out how hard it is to get in this state...

[Damsel in Distress]

DoveHeart your story is so incredibly sad. You have lost this man not because he chose to leave you, but because he is no longer the same person post traumatic brain injury. A terribly sad and difficult situation.

He absolutely needs evaluation and treatment, but it sounds like you are powerless in this situation. I'm so so sorry

Hugs.

[DoveHeart]

I do feel powerless and for the past year I was incredibly confused. The last I heard he is still obsessing about becoming a slumlord and still trying to find that perfect crack house to fix up and rent out. He literally puts all his time and energy into it. It's sad. He has no life except for this obsession now. I sometimes call him just to check on him. But he Never calls me anymore to see how I am doing. It's like 5 years meant nothing to him!

I know he is not trying to date anyone and I have been on a couple of dates but I just feel like no one can measure up to the person that T was which was the most fun and loving person before his concussion ....

It's like the old T died. It's been a year and a half almost since it happened. I am pretty sure the old T won't be coming back. I held out hope for so long..:-(

Thank you all for your kind words.

I need to look into one of those support groups that was mentioned...

[Seachelle1]

Doveheart,

 

You'll come back and tell us how you are, right?

 

In grieving my father's death and the big change in my mother I've had to seek extreme help with counseling. It took my breakup and me watching me hurt someone I love to see that I needed help.

 

I go to counseling twice a week.

 

I'm going to a meetup this weekend for a mountain hike! Next weekend I'm going camping/book scouting with an acquaintance. Just trying to keep my life full of the new and lovely things ahead of me and at the same time giving myself time to really grieve what is gone.

 

I miss my Dad so much. I kept dialing his cancelled number frantically yesterday, trying to get him to respond. All I get is Sprint. My sister keeps having dreams of him. I'm writing a novel in which dad is a ghost and mom is mute, just staring at us.

 

I think (and I feel evil admitting this) I used my ex as a rebound after Dad died. I was using him. I am sorry. I didn't mean to but I did. If you've ever watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I feel like this relationship was Spike and Buffy after Joyce died. Except, you know, minus the superpowers and great Whedon dialogue.