i initiated no contact, a month later he deleted me on facebook!

[my body is a cage]

i know, i know. a post about facebook. but i am really hurt about this.

 

my ex and i broke up about a month ago. another state w him so he could be near his son, but not in the context of a committed, intimate, relationship, because he is not ready for that (even though we had been in one for 9 months). he said he was afraid of intimacy. he does not really have his life together job wise / financially, and smokes too much weed, and struggles to support his son. regardless, we are very compatible, and loved / cared about each other deeply. i know he does not sound like a great catch, but we had a strong emotional bond and attraction and i am not over him.

 

i was very hurt by the selfishness / illogic of him asking me to move with him but not in the form of a serious relationship. i told him i did not want to move with him, did not want to speak with him, and did not want to be his best friend, because i was hurt and needed space.

 

he was very upset that i did not want to be his best friend anymore, and i know i was his closest emotional connection and rationally i believe that is why he feared intimacy with me. still, i felt rejected and hurt, and as though he did not love me the way i loved him, and therefore could not speak with him.

 

he tried calling me a couple of times and i did not answer. he wrote me a message on fb saying "are you still trying to not talk to me not have anything to do with with me not even be friends with me like our whole relationship was pointless? just asking." i was taken aback that he was accusing me of acting as though our time together was pointless, when he was the one who screwed me over in the end. i found his message to be very selfish and manipulative, nonetheless i still love him so i responded, "the time we spent together was not pointless, but im still not ready to talk yet. hope you're doing well.' he responded 'ok, hope youre doing well as well.'

 

fast forward a couple of weeks, yesterday i noticed that he deleted me! i was shocked, i know fb deletion does not mean much in the scheme of things but he was the one who hurt me, was pressing for contact, so why would he delete me?! i felt like he hated me or was thinking '**** her, i never want to speak to her again.' i was really upset, so i caved and called him.

 

when i talked to him, i told him taht i was planning on moving in a week (which is true) and that i had wanted to tell him that, but noticed he deleted me on facebook. i asked why and he said because i said i didnt want to talk to him, so he figured he should do the same. i said i didnt want to not talk forever or not be friends forever (as i had stated before!). he said he thought i didnt want to be friends forever blah blah and i was like no i care about you and i do want to be friends. he said oh ok good! friends! ill freind you back then! then we chit chatted for a bit...

 

at the end of the convo he said actually i thought, she probably looks at my facebook so maybe she will call me if she sees i deleted her and IT WORKED! ahhahah BABY GOT YOU YOU CALLED ME! and i was like yeah, yeah, yeah.

 

he also talked about how he wantd to hang out etc (yeah, right).

 

anyway, im still profoundly hurt and upset by this. he hasn't friended me back on facebook yet, and i feel like he doesn't want to friend me and just said that because he didn't know what to say. im worried he cares way less than i do, thinks our relationship was pointless, wants to move on / doesnt want to talk to me anymore, when im not over him.

 

i dont understand if he actually did this so that i would call him, in which case he was being manipulative and childish again. or if he wanted attention and succeeded in getting it. but if thats the case, why hasnt he friended me again since he said he would?

 

im feeling very rejected, as usual, and as though i am much more invested in this than him and he doesnt care about me or my feelings much at all

[Cogee]

Stop playing into his hands. He didn't even have to tell you he was trying to be manipulative with the deletion because it is obvious that's what he does. When he said to you "are you still trying to not talk to me not have anything to do with with me not even be friends with me like our whole relationship was pointless? just asking" he is obviously fishing for a reaction. You didn't give him the reaction he wanted so he went into even further manipulation mode by deleting you.

 

Do not let him play these mind games. He hasn't added you back because he wants YOU to ask him to be friends again. This is his way of gaining control over you and trying to manipulate you. There is a very good chance that if you now ignore him and go NC he will eventually add you back as a friend with some message, again as a way to get a reaction out of you.

 

This man does not have your interests at heart and is only going to hurt you. I understand what you are going through and it hurts me even reading what you have to go through. Take control of this situation by not responding to him any more. If he adds you back as a friend do not accept and do not respond. It's hard but I think this is what you will have to do.

[Damsel in Distress]

He hasn't added you back because he wants YOU to ask him to be friends again. This is his way of gaining control over you and trying to manipulate you.

 

I agree with Cogee completely!

 

This man is incredibly manipulative, but not even slick at it. His games are about as sophisticated as a pre-teen.

 

I'm sure it hurt a lot to see yourself deleted on Facebook. I didn't delete my ex and (because I'm a wuss with NC. I'm not contacting him but I'm a sucker for information). But every day I kind of hold my breath when I check Facebook and I'm just waiting for the day that I'm deleted. And I know it's gonna be a sucker punch when it happens

 

But anyway, I know you love this man, but he is playing all kinds of games with you, and the only way to protect yourself is to go NC. It's hard as heck, but it does help your heart start to recover enough to at least be able to get through the day. My emotions are much less raw.

 

So sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself and stay strong with the NC!

[BeenAround]

I broke up with my bf of two years recently. I won't get into too much detail but he was (knowingly or unknowingly) manipulating me and was very immature.

 

He immediately unfriended me and blocked me on Facebook. Since then, he unblocked me once and now I am blocked again. Yes, I have checked and I realize I am still allowing him to manipulate me to a degree. It does take time, regardless of who did the breaking up, to move on and forget another person that was a huge part of your life.

 

I don't know for sure why he is blocking and unblocking me. Maybe because he is hurt or maybe because he is trying to move on.......not really sure. But judging by his personality I would say it is because he is looking for attention.

 

In your case, I think the same is true. Your ex sounds immature and even admitted that he did it to get you to call him and it worked. Ignore the Facebook drama!! Even when you notice, and I will be the first to admit it is hard not to take a peek now and then, continue to ignore it and don't play his game. Don't let him continue to manipulate you.

[my body is a cage]

Thank you Cogee and Damsel for your support. I know my ex is manipulative - this is partially why we broke up - and maybe he knows that I'm an easy target / a nice person so he can get away with this behavior, to a degree. I think maybe that's why he's been so indignant that I haven't wanted to be in touch with him at all.

 

I agree that he is very uncouth about his manipulation. I mean, he even said to me " i figured you checked my page and thought you would call me and you did! " I wish I could take that at face value, but he also said he would friend me again and hasn't, so I'm worried he is just moving on and doesn't want to have anything to do with me and didn't know what to say. And the fact that he talked about hanging out etc - it was sort of like when he wanted me to move w him but not in a serious relationship, like what does he even think? The conversation was so awkward and weird.

 

Rationally part of me knows he is manipulating me, but I just don't understand to WHAT end???? WHAT does he want from me? He doesn't want a serious relationship, he wanted me to move with him , then he wanted me to "talk" and "be friends" so then he deletes me on facebook so that we can "talk"? He already hurt me deeply, why is he trying to hurt me for? If he doesn't want to be with me, why does he have to manipulate and hurt me on top of that?

 

I'm hurt because I love him and don't want to lose him, but I just can't talk to him right now. He was insensitive to the fact that he hurt me and acted selfishly and hurt me more, and now I feel like the defriending was the ultimate "**** you" I don't want you in my life whatsover anymore. I guess I haven't let go and I'm worried he has, forever, and in a way it feels like HE is the one negating our relationship. HE wrote me accusing of acting as if the relationship was pointless, but then HE showed me he wanted nothing to do with my life, not even to know what I am doing or possibly talk in the future just because I don't want to talk right after we broke up. It makes me feel as though he never loved me or never cared

 

 

I'm sure it hurt a lot to see yourself deleted on Facebook. I didn't delete my ex and (because I'm a wuss with NC. I'm not contacting him but I'm a sucker for information). But every day I kind of hold my breath when I check Facebook and I'm just waiting for the day that I'm deleted. And I know it's gonna be a sucker punch when it happens

 

Ugh, maybe that's where I went wrong, with being an NC sucker. I should have just unfriended him myself probably, but I wanted that last connection and pieces of information, as I do worry and care about him, but then he used that to hurt me. Has your ex been trying to contact you? I also constantly would check to see if he had deleted me and held my breath, and then lo and behold he did and it felt like my worst fears came true. I know it sounds dramatic, but its really such a low blow, and maybe part of NC is removing the possibility of that happening by consciously choosing to remove yourself from contact.

 

I know I'm being very negative about my relationship w my ex, but he really hurt me and my mind always goes to "he doesn't / didn't care at all." It's so sad, and so hard for me not to negate the good that we did have in our relationship. It's depressing to think that he never had my best interests at heart, and is just jerking me around, for what reason I have NO clue.

 

Part of me wants to take the higher road and just friend him with a message saying "friends? :)" since thats what we agreed on in our convo and I don't want to think everything else he said was fake too. But then what? Either he doesn't friend me and I'm upset, or he does and I have access to his facebook, which in all truth maybe isn't the best thing anyway. I WANT to keep tabs, and I'm having a hard time letting go, but I know that I should.

 

Also, he approached the situation as if I was being cold and heartless, and that I would never want to talk to him again. I don't want to come across as cold and heartless, because I do care for him and I know he's a good person at heart. I love him and want him to know he means something to me, but on the other hand it was so mean of him to just delete me as if I meant nothing. I guess the other alternative is to write him a message explaining that maybe its for the best that he deleted me on facebook, but then again maybe I'm jumping the gun since he doesn't even seem to care to friend me.

 

Also, I'm embarrassed I called him so quickly and bought into his game. I felt like I showed way too much vulnerability and weakness, and I'm worried he thinks he has me back in his hands. But then if I don't stick to my word that I want to be friends on some level at least in the future, he has every right to think I'm cold and heartless.

 

 

Idk. This is the way my brain works. I paint these no win situations for myself where either way I come up losing.

[my body is a cage]

 

I don't know for sure why he is blocking and unblocking me. Maybe because he is hurt or maybe because he is trying to move on.......not really sure. But judging by his personality I would say it is because he is looking for attention.

 

In your case, I think the same is true. Your ex sounds immature and even admitted that he did it to get you to call him and it worked. Ignore the Facebook drama!! Even when you notice, and I will be the first to admit it is hard not to take a peek now and then, continue to ignore it and don't play his game. Don't let him continue to manipulate you.

 

That sounds pretty dead on. Attention seeking narcissistic ex boyfriends blow.

 

What was the time span of him blocking and unblocking you ie how long have you been broken up? Do you speak at all or call him out on it?

 

I guess blocking and deleting are different, since w blocking you can just unblock them and they're there (or no?) Did he re friend you? Did he have an explanation for his behavior?

 

arrrrghhhh facebook drama is so dumb feeling like i'm losing the mind game struggle right now :confused::confused:

[BeenAround]

It sounds like he has you exactly where he wants you......doubting yourself.

 

Please read about "emotional manipulation" it helped me understand so much as to how a person like him operates. It's actually quite scary to think someone can gain control of you that way but it happens.

[BeenAround]

That sounds pretty dead on. Attention seeking narcissistic ex boyfriends blow.

 

What was the time span of him blocking and unblocking you ie how long have you been broken up? Do you speak at all or call him out on it?

 

I guess blocking and deleting are different, since w blocking you can just unblock them and they're there (or no?) Did he re friend you? Did he have an explanation for his behavior?

 

arrrrghhhh facebook drama is so dumb feeling like i'm losing the mind game struggle right now :confused::confused:

 

We have been broke up and in NC now for almost two months. He defriended and blocked me as soon as we broke up (within a day or two I think) probably because he was angry or hurt.

 

He unblocked me again about a month later (not sure why) he never tried to contact me. I think it was an attention thing so that I would contact him or block him. (Knowing the way he thinks, if I would have done either it would have played right into his game.)

 

He left me unblocked for a few weeks I guess and now I noticed that I'm blocked again.

 

Crazy facebook drama I know.....but still a manipulation tactic as far as I'm concerned. Yes, I still look.......maybe once a week or less so to a degree I am still suckered into it but I also know it takes time.

[Damsel in Distress]

Ugh, maybe that's where I went wrong, with being an NC sucker. I should have just unfriended him myself probably, but I wanted that last connection and pieces of information, as I do worry and care about him, but then he used that to hurt me. Has your ex been trying to contact you?

 

To do NC the right way, see Tara Maiden's guide. Not contacting them is just one part of it. The other part is to eliminate exposure to them (blocking and deleting them on everything). Total absence. I admire people who can do it. I'm not there yet. My initial post on here had a subject line "desperate for information!" and I still feel that way, although I'm making some progress. Maybe not desperate, but still checking daily, lol. And will take it very hard if he deletes me on Facebook.

 

And no, my ex has not tried to contact me, I've had no contact with him for a month, and the few times I've tried to contact him he hasn't answeréd (even though he told me to call any time!) But in my case there's a new girl in the picture.

 

I think even though you have instituted NC for your own sanity (essential when dealing with a manipulator like him!) it sounds like you are leaving the door to this relationship wide open. It seems impossible, but if you maintain strict NC you will eventually become strong enough to start closing the door, and hopefully we will both get strong enough to eventually close the door on the relationship.

 

I don't understand Facebook enough to know the difference between blocking and deleting. I do know there's a way to put them on restriction - you can still see their page, but they can't see yours. Might be a start.

 

This man is not offering you what you want or need in a relationship. One exercise I've found very helpful is getting together with girlfriends and letting them point out my ex's many flaws and the many reasons he's not good for me. Because he has hurt you, your girlfriends will be happy to do this and very good at it!

 

So sorry you were deleted on Facebook today I think it's for the best, but I can imagine how painful

[my body is a cage]

I think even though you have instituted NC for your own sanity (essential when dealing with a manipulator like him!) it sounds like you are leaving the door to this relationship wide open. It seems impossible, but if you maintain strict NC you will eventually become strong enough to start closing the door, and hopefully we will both get strong enough to eventually close the door on the relationship.

 

Thank so much for your kind words of encouragement. As far as venting with my girlfriends, well, I mean, they've have no trouble pointing out his flaws since the beginning of the relationship To be fair, they loved him and loved that we were happy together, but objectively there were always quite a few circumstantial issues. I guess I'm fully aware of his flaws, but love him anyway even though we broke up. sucker-central.

 

You're totally right in that I'm not ready to close the door on the relationship. I'm having a hard time getting there, because he meant so much to me and I thought I did to him.

 

And this is where the mind games get tricky: I instigated NC to "close the door" but kept tabs on him via FB bc I didn't actually want to "close the door." Is THAT a mind game? Was I using NC to manipulate, not get over him?

 

AND THEN, in response, HE deletes ME! When he was the one who hurt me and ruined (really, it couldn't have continued) the relationship. Now I'm upset because I'm worried that means he actually IS "closing the door" on me bc I "closed the door on him." Although he SAID he did it to get me to call him and bc he was pissed I hadn't called after a month. So he thought I never wanted to talk to him ever. But was happy to talk to me and said he wanted to chill, as if we never broke up. And TOLD me he was manipulating, but was he really just moving on?

 

Ok even I can tell that last sentence isn't even logical . I'm losing it

[my body is a cage]

i can tell this thread is so ridiculous is reading as if him and i are in high school i'm not sure if i stated that he is 27 (almost 28) and i am 23.

 

HE HAS A 5 YEAR OLD CHILD AND IS BEHAVING ON THE SAME MATURITY LEVEL AS A 5 YEAR OLD CHILD

[robaday]

You told him not to contact you and that you couldnt talk to him, then ignored him....so probably to help him NOT contact you, he deleted you. Granted he didnt want a serious relationship, but it probably stung his ego you werent playing his game and that you were moving on with your life.

 

Egos a powerful thing. Theres girls Ive not been into, who once they are not interested in me, I actually feel rejected! think thats all this is - he probably cares about you, but thinks you were a pushover and youve shown him your not, and hes panicking and making an idiot of himself.

 

Dont stress or be upset about it, its him whos freaking out, and if he has something important to say, he will find a way of saying it......good luck;)

[my body is a cage]

Egos a powerful thing. Theres girls Ive not been into, who once they are not interested in me, I actually feel rejected! think thats all this is - he probably cares about you, but thinks you were a pushover and youve shown him your not, and hes panicking and making an idiot of himself.

 

I KNOW! he needs to get over his ego. i know hes actually pretty self loathing so i dont know where this incongruous colossal sized ego is coming from. some sort of compensation i guess. but yeah, i think he took me for granted and is now panicking bc im no longer doting on him.

 

i mean, there IS no way we can be together, as things are. our lives are too different, his esp is kind of a mess w his son etc and im not going to be his "companion" to help sort the mess he created. i love him, and i wish things were different, but theyre not. so we cannot be in a relationship, its impossible. and devastating.

 

i dont think he wants a relationship either / knows he is incapable of it (thats what he said, at least) but now i have this awkward facebook scenario looming over me. so dumb. i guess i should just forget about it, but its sad that what was once a loving functional relationship and support system is currently reduced to this

[my body is a cage]

You told him not to contact you and that you couldnt talk to him, then ignored him....so probably to help him NOT contact you, he deleted you. Granted he didnt want a serious relationship, but it probably stung his ego you werent playing his game and that you were moving on with your life.

 

yeah, i think this is definitely true. i think he partially deleted me to prevent himself from seeing / contacting me and also as a low blow to make a dig at me and get my attention. both of which he explicitly cited as reasons for unfriending me. childish mind games.

 

i cant believe he had the nerve to say "now i got you to call me HAHA"

[my body is a cage]

idk what to do. i am still very upset about this. he means a lot to me and i dont want him out of my life forever - do i take the higher road and just friend him? i feel like not friending him would come off as callous / negate what he said in the conversation, proving that he doesn't care about me at all

[robaday]

Dont friend him - no good can come from it, hell use facebook as a platform to keep you moving on. Let the request sit there until you feel ready to be friends, if he doesnt respect that its his problem.

 

Regarding relationship being reduced to this. Sometimes things have to turn ugly before they are finally over for good. When things end but both people still love each other, theres possibilities of reconciliation etc etc. But truth is, in those situations its never fully over. Sometimes you need things to reach the worst they can get to know that you tried every avenue to work it out and it wasnt meant to be.

 

Dont stress, remain cool and calm, and walk away with your dignity intact

[my body is a cage]

Dont friend him - no good can come from it, hell use facebook as a platform to keep you moving on. Let the request sit there until you feel ready to be friends, if he doesnt respect that its his problem.

 

Regarding relationship being reduced to this. Sometimes things have to turn ugly before they are finally over for good. When things end but both people still love each other, theres possibilities of reconciliation etc etc. But truth is, in those situations its never fully over. Sometimes you need things to reach the worst they can get to know that you tried every avenue to work it out and it wasnt meant to be.

 

Dont stress, remain cool and calm, and walk away with your dignity intact

 

thank you for this advice, it is very rational. i do believe both love or did love each other (i still love him, at least) but there is no way it can work out right now, so moving on is probably best.

 

i just want to clarify one point - he still hasn't friended me. this makes me feel like wasn't even emotionally manipulating me, just didn't want me in his life anymore bc i refused to speak to him for a month after he deeply hurt me. its almost as if it would be better if he were manipulating me, because at least then it show that he cared, but now im beginning to think he does not care at all. i'm worried he didn't even want to speak to me on the phone an just said these things because he didn't know what to say, but i guess i have no reason not to take them at face value - i can feel myself overanalyzing. then again, maybe that's just what he wants to manipulate me into thinking.

 

i feel like im losing all rational perspective, and need objective sources to tell me if im being totally illogical or not. also, i feel like i already lost my dignity by calling him and demanding an explanation for why he defriended me, and for stating that i cared about him and suddenly wanted to be friends.

 

i just feel very rejected, unwanted, and hurt

[robaday]

I understand, we all think illogically when it comes to love. But, remember that the way your feeling now, overthinking, analyzing, is because you spoke with him, because u allowed him to have power over you. So it stands to reason not talking and continuing not to talk is the best for you, and possibly him.