Breakup after 3 months and Devasted ......was it my fault ?

[ConfusedPrincess]

Hello people ....

 

I am 28 ......and man i was seeing was also 28....

I am going through a painful breakup and my days and nights are going into figure out was it my fault .....it may sound usual question to you guys but please help me....

 

I lived out of my country for 5 yrs and worked my ass off to make my career is US .......i had only flings there not real love after i got divorced ...Ex was my first love and he cheated on me since then i never felt real love ...

 

Then i met this man after 5 yrs and got huge crush on him ... i didnt expect nything out of it just whenever i get chance i will stare at him hiddenly.......

then he asked me out one day

he noticed very soon in 2-3 dates that i am very much attracted to him he also attracted and only in initial one month he said "I love you" like 10 times .....

he took me to his childhood frd's wedding and he made me met all of his best frds ... i was still conscious about going to wedding and all but he took me there and he was very proud of me being beautiful and mentioning that i came from US ....but we were in love ...... when we met i told him very clearly look i am not looking for casual date or fling here .....i want to settle down and get married so i am looking for serious relation only .....no fun dates .......and he said he is not looking for fling either n very happy to have him....

but somehow i had his impression as playboy but his actions were serious towards me .......and taking me to frd's wedding and all made me believe he is serious about me ....but for Sex i told him to take it slowly and he never insisted.....but we cuddled /smooched/hugged/kissed a lot for initial one month....

it was all new for me coz i usually take time to know a person before getting into relation but with this guy i was just going with flow and i was too much into him like i was flying on 7th sky......he will also talk about future / children / his family but i was always insecure because of his past.....

he mentioned me that "He gets bored easily" and "he couldnt stay in past relation for more 2-3 months coz understanding didnt not match"

i was hell scared of my relation will become same ..... and i was taking every step carefully to not to mess it in nyways and to make it work coz i seriously wanted marriage .....he was the one for me......

 

just to mention he is big businessman and very angry/dominant person with his employes and family ...always take lead and dont tolerate being dominant or entertaining nyone entering his space......i was ok to take him lead and tried and tried my bestest to give him his space with frds/work/social circle etc etc....though he wudnt see me sometimes for more than week......

 

then here come some minor issues i believe.....we planned to go out of town but he cudnt go because of his work load and he cancelled plan at last moment ....when i was waiting for him to call and tell me when to leave in evening ....i didnt react and said thats fine he is busy .....then in night i just so wanted to talk to him was missing him badly so i called him at 11 in night and he didnt pick up...i called 4 times he didnt pick up n texted he is out with frds for drinks n i was little mad n texted him that i am angry ....he got even more mad and said i am not giving him space and he needs time with frds too ....i said sure i am not against it but atleast answer my call.....its was just childish argument.....

which i forgot by next day but he said today you were rude to me in texts tomorrow u will insult me in front of other ppl .....i said what Noooooooo ....

nyways i forgot the incident completely ......but he didnt come to see me 6 days ...he became little distant and he was busy too .....i didnt mind......

then he called me on sunday n asked me to meet .......i was unwell that day and wanted to rest but when he asks i go all gogo-gaga and run to see him.....

he said meet me at 7 in eve ..i said sure .....i went to mall first n said pick me up from there...he came at 8...said he was stuck in business meeting .....i didnt mind .....but i went to mall coz i wanted to buy something for him......i bought wrist watch ......

he came to mall and i got inside the car......he said i have been waiting here from 10 mins if u were already in mall y did u took 10 mins to come downstairs .....i said i went to loo ....i am little unwell ....he said ok then y did u come to meet me today u shd have stayed home .......i said coz i wanted to see you n i know u are busy n we r metting after week so i didnt wanted to miss the chance .....

then i gave him this watch .......he saw it n said nice choice then he said " why would you buy it for me" i said "excusme?" he repeated y wud u but it for me then i said coz i wanted to buy something for you....he said "i dont accept gifts and dont give gifts to nyone" and i will accept after an year or so of our dating .......i didnt say nything and immediately took it from his hand and put it back in my bag....... i said "i never bought nything for ny guy yet n it was first time i bought something for someone but now i vl never buy" !!

i was upset and didnt say nything for 10 mins then i thot of keeping it aside n not to ruin time ...... then while we were making love he pushed me little and suddenly said you cant control me and u are using ur female power to dominate me ......all i was doing was teasing him then he said he knows i cant live with him n he doesnt think marriage is something which can not be broken if its not working ......i didnt say nything and he dropped me back home......

next day very politely i told him my views on marriage are different .....i dont think i can break marriage n it is something really special in life.....he said thats ur view n my views are different .......n u cant force me to change my views.....i said i am not forcing you only telling you how i feel abt marriage.....

i also told him you have hurt my feelings by not accpeting my watch yesterday...did u know i was unwell n went to mall specially to buy it for you but rather than appreciating you denied it ......he didnt say anything

then again he didnt meet for 10 days and became cold .....i cud feel it on phone and text.......

but i forgot this inccident too .......but he didnt he usually holds things...i told him why you are not giving me time its been 10 days......he said all your fault....i said u denied my gift....u said i am being controlling in bed and said negative things n how come it is my fault n trust me i did not use ny female power n i dont have such thing in mind to dominate you .....you were getting me wrong.... I loved him to core that i was ready to ignore everything n make him happy n content being it emotionally/sexually etc ......

then we met after 10 days on valentine's and i was all dressed up n excited to see him ..... but he was lost in some business problem ... i told him then why did u come not in bad way....he didnt wish me valentine ...didnt bring me nything it was fine coz i dont expect ny gifts n he said he doesnt give gifts..but i was expecting love atleast......

he took me to his frd's store ....he wanted to make love so do i .....i was craving for him since 10 days....his frd was there with his GF ......he asked so how did u guys celebrate valentine ......he looked at me like what the hell is valentine.......

but nyways then his frd mentioned they r going to Thailand n i asked him what ? u are going u never told me.....he didnt say nything......then we made love in his showroom.......after everyone left.......i was upset he sensed it.....he said he is not going nywhere........nyways that day ended too......

he became distant again.......i dont know what is my fault here.......am i not even supposed to react if i dont like something .......

 

he could even feel i am being distant now......though i still loved him to death ......he called n we met after week again n he took me to his new place.....

that day i didnt wanted to make love ......but he was insisting but i was not in mood.....i did interrupt him again while he was on top of me by holding his face n said listen to me......

he got angry n said ....... i am dominant and controlling ......i said how ? he said i am making love but u dont want to......u want to talk right now so u are pushing me for it ......i am in lovey dovey mood today and u r sitting serious n quiet .......i was like broken inside ......it was enough to take......

he dropped me back home again.......

i sill dont know how i was dominating.......

then he called me next day n day after too n i was so upset that i ignored his calls n text....then he finally texted ok so u dont want to respond.......goodbye then !

i texted back ....its not like that .....i love you but i dont know why u are misunderstanding me .... i even kept my career aside for him.. he knows it......i told him i wanted to go back to US but since he came into my life i stayed here n not going back for him only......

i called back next day n couple of times but no reponse........

i knew it must have hurt his ego ........

so i went to his workplace n waited for him outside....... we met i wanted to see him/love him but i knew he was angry so went there make up.....

he said lets talk ......

then he told me he read all my texts .....then he said i think u are expecting a future with me but let me tell you .....i dont want to be relation .......i feel scared i am too independent .....but if u r thinking abt marriage n all ....u shd see other guys......i am not good for you !

I was like WTF ......thats wht i told him initially ......i m not looking for casualdating n he said we r on same page ......

but guess what i ignored this n thought he is saying it out of anger......we made love that day too ......

then i was the one who was calling most the time .....he wud call too casual calls only ...nomore love talks....no more late night calls....

i went to his workplace again to meet him after week........we met made love .....but it started feeling like Sex only .....not love n i was not liking it..then he asked me will you do "Anal sex with me " .......i didnt respond.......i guess he turned his mind to Sex only ....n no feelings nymore.....

but i was still trying to make it work ......following week i showed up again.....

and he went to long drive......while we were talking he said something in conversation he wants Freedom ......

i said you have Freedom .....then he wants Freedom of Sex***

Iwas like WTF......

i didnt say nything ..he dropped me back......but that was it for me......

but he was calling me every day n talking to me as i was his GF .....

he said i know i am mad at something ....he doesnt know what i didnt like.....

 

then my bthday came n he asked me to come next day to celebrate ....this time i decided i am not going to make love .....i am not going for dinner with him n i will tell him politely that i cant take this Freedom of S** thing ....

n i want a commitment of GF/BF otherwise i wont see him ......its been 3 months already.......

he promised he wud come n he said he is tired n slept ....

by that time i was all red in anger.....i texted him abt how i feel and all........he called me person of narrow thinking ? i still dont know how i am narrowed thinking person.....

he said noone has right to talk to him in such language and thats a goodbye !!

dont come to my workplace......i wont see u or speak to you ever coz i made things very clear last time abt relationship n his independence.......

 

i sent some more texts after that how he is playboy n wants more flings ......but i am not someone who will do that..

 

But WTH ......when we met i made it clear i am looking for serious relation only at this age .....he said we r on same page.......

and i did fee love n he was serious but some incidences i mentioned above made him distant n he changed his mind so quickly !!

 

Its been 2 weeks n no calls/texts...... i sent him text on this festival we celebrate in our country but he didnt respond ......infact after this text argument he went on Trip (idk with whom) very next day n uploaded pic on FB to show me .......

 

People pls tell me i do love him n he was love of my life .......was i being clingy ? was i being dominating ? i never tried to .......what was my fault that i lost him?

 

i am thinking to goto his workplace again but he told me clearly in text dont want to see me nymore n not to come to his workplace.....

 

Thanks in adance though it is long post

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Tl;dr

 

(10)

[SilverInkheart99]

Run like hell!

[Cutiepie1976]

He broke up with you. He told you not to come to his place of business or to contact him. That he never wants to speak to you again. That's all that matters. It's irrelevant who's at fault for what, or who did what to whom when. It's over. You're going to have to move on.

[KatZee]

I could read all of this but I'll just comment on what I did read.

 

1. Slow down in relationships. It was a huge red flag he's telling you he loves you over and over after like a month. No one truly falls in love with anyone in 30 days or less. You don't even know them.

 

2. Don't tell a new romantic interest that you're not looking for fun, that you want to be serious and be married. OK that's good that you have YOUR expectations and desires, but it was way too soon to be voicing them out loud. Talk about pressure!

 

3. A three month relationship is nothing but a trial period. Think of it as being a job. The first few months are where the boss evaluates you, sees how you work etc. If the fit isn't right, they let you go. Same concept there. You guys were getting to know each other, and in the end it wasn't working for him. Better that he ends it now than to lead you on for years.

 

Take relationships slower, let them evolve, don't force them. Also, WAY too much drama for a 3 month relationship. WAY too much. This is why people emphasize having your own life, your own friends, and your own things going on outside the relationship.

[SJC2008]

If someone hits that emotional chord it's possible to get hurt rather early. I've been hurt over a courtship that ended after three dates as "weak" as that sounds and was hurt over a month and a half courship that ened. OTOH I've been dumped after 3 dates and didn't bat an eye so like I said it depends if the get their hooks into you so to speak.

[ConfusedPrincess]

Thanks people .......... but i think something must be wrong on my part .......expecting too early .......or reacting too much on him not accpeting my gift and on his different views of marriage than me ?

Him calling me dominating which i still dont know why but should have had more patience to ask him politely rather than ignoring his calls......

I got to pay the price now by dealing with breakup.......

He was just beyond my expectations ........a perfect one ......the way i wanted.....

it is big loss to me.....i am just in pain of loss ......it took me 5 years to meet potential guy like him.....i dont know when i will find someone i love again...

i am seriously looking for marriage .....nomore complication of dating games......

Ahh ......i am being frustated now!!

[Am4Real]

For OP:

 

4. Please write in paragraphs with cohesive thoughts (where possible)

 

It sure makes reading your posts easier!

 

 

I could read all of this but I'll just comment on what I did read.

 

1. Slow down in relationships. It was a huge red flag he's telling you he loves you over and over after like a month. No one truly falls in love with anyone in 30 days or less. You don't even know them.

 

2. Don't tell a new romantic interest that you're not looking for fun, that you want to be serious and be married. OK that's good that you have YOUR expectations and desires, but it was way too soon to be voicing them out loud. Talk about pressure!

 

3. A three month relationship is nothing but a trial period. Think of it as being a job. The first few months are where the boss evaluates you, sees how you work etc. If the fit isn't right, they let you go. Same concept there. You guys were getting to know each other, and in the end it wasn't working for him. Better that he ends it now than to lead you on for years.

 

Take relationships slower, let them evolve, don't force them. Also, WAY too much drama for a 3 month relationship. WAY too much. This is why people emphasize having your own life, your own friends, and your own things going on outside the relationship.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

Wait, when did he tell you that he gets bored easily and that he could never stay in a relationship past 2 to 3 months? Not to be disrespectful, but I wanted to stop reading your post after that. The thing you did wrong was you heard him but did not listen to him. I am not berating you, but this is the case with friends, family, lovers, co-workers, business partners, etc.

 

When somebody shows me or tells me who they are, I believe them. Often times, they tell you that you're "not like the others" or "different" or "special" and blah blah blah. People RARELY change over night.

 

It's not that I'm bitter, but it's just I have beat myself up so many times over things like this. Trust me, we all have expectations. When you go to a grocery store and pay with cash, isn't it EXPECTED that you get your leftover change back? This is a lesson for you to learn that you need to gain people's trust and people need to gain yours. It's a gradual progression. Falling in love too fast and ending up with a fairy tale ending is pretty rare but possible.

 

I "connect" with a lot of people, but it's a blessing and a curse because my definition of "connecting" is being able to tune into their energy and read what kind of person they are. It doesn't mean I want to keep them around lol. BUT I am human and I have had my issues with living in La La land.

 

I've learned to just step into a space of open possibility. The possibility that things could go amazing or turn into hell--at least until I build up enough level of some type of trust but it has to be gradual. Too many people are just willing to put all their trust into men/women the moment he or she tells them what they want to hear.

 

The only reason he called you dominating and controlling is because YOU TOOK CONTROL of the situation and decided not to let him use solely for sex. He had no problem DOMINATING AND CONTROL the time factors of meeting up. You notice how everything revolved around HIS schedule? There was no compromise.

 

You have every right to be distant. You are guarding your heart and your energy from a psychic vampire.

 

 

Know your worth and run like hell baby. Never chase or run into the direction of a guy who doesn't value. Stop making these guys making it think that you are 100% to blame.

 

He will come around again. But this is where you have control over the situation. The hardest part is making things right because you hurt so much and you feel like if you walk away that the pain is more unbearable. Deal with the minimal pain now because it will save you from the major pain that you could face in the future.

 

I am done with my rant. ;-)

Edited March 29, 2013 by RhapsodyinBlue

[ConfusedPrincess]

Thanks again for replies guys....

just to mention i decided to not to go back to US and stay here for him only ....

I had awesome career and job/money there and i decided to give up on that and find some OK job here just to be with him.......he didnt appreciate that ??

How can you be so cruel ? he knew it and in beginning he used to say he knows it and it is big decision but then he denied it he said "it is ur decision only" and it doesnt have to do anything with me ?

Things change and so do people ? but my love/dedication/sacrifices meant nothing and it all went to vein in 3 months only??

[ConfusedPrincess]

[quote=

When somebody shows me or tells me who they are, I believe them. Often times, they tell you that you're "not like the others" or "different" or "special" and blah blah blah. People RARELY change over night.

 

It's not that I'm bitter, but it's just I have beat myself up so many times over things like this. Trust me, we all have expectations. When you go to a grocery store and pay with cash, isn't it EXPECTED that you get your leftover change back? This is a lesson for you to learn that you need to gain people's trust and people need to gain yours. It's a gradual progression. Falling in love too fast and ending up with a fairy tale ending is pretty rare but possible.

 

 

You said it all !!! I will listen and believe to what guy says next time but when he said he cudnt keep up for more than 2-3 months but he also said he had 2 serious relations too .....i just hoped that ours will be final relation and we will nd up together ......thats why i didnt bother abt him saying he cudnt keep up for more than 3 months ......at some point you feel that she is the one and he did introduce me to his childhood frds ....took me to wedding ?? it doesnt mean anything? he was serious abt me then he changed......

[RhapsodyinBlue]

You said it all !!! I will listen and believe to what guy says next time but when he said he cudnt keep up for more than 2-3 months but he also said he had 2 serious relations too .....i just hoped that ours will be final relation and we will nd up together ......thats why i didnt bother abt him saying he cudnt keep up for more than 3 months ......at some point you feel that she is the one and he did introduce me to his childhood frds ....took me to wedding ?? it doesnt mean anything? he was serious abt me then he changed......

 

And trust me, those two "serious" relationships ended because remember, he gets bored easily LOL. Love is never uncertain. He kept telling you over and over he loved you. Yes it was too soon, which is kind of scary, BUT his actions were nowhere near a reflection of love.

[TaylorBe]

Wait, when did he tell you that he gets bored easily and that he could never stay in a relationship past 2 to 3 months? Not to be disrespectful, but I wanted to stop reading your post after that. The thing you did wrong was you heard him but did not listen to him. I am not berating you, but this is the case with friends, family, lovers, co-workers, business partners, etc.

 

When somebody shows me or tells me who they are, I believe them. Often times, they tell you that you're "not like the others" or "different" or "special" and blah blah blah. People RARELY change over night.

 

It's not that I'm bitter, but it's just I have beat myself up so many times over things like this. Trust me, we all have expectations. When you go to a grocery store and pay with cash, isn't it EXPECTED that you get your leftover change back? This is a lesson for you to learn that you need to gain people's trust and people need to gain yours. It's a gradual progression. Falling in love too fast and ending up with a fairy tale ending is pretty rare but possible.

 

I "connect" with a lot of people, but it's a blessing and a curse because my definition of "connecting" is being able to tune into their energy and read what kind of person they are. It doesn't mean I want to keep them around lol. BUT I am human and I have had my issues with living in La La land.

 

I've learned to just step into a space of open possibility. The possibility that things could go amazing or turn into hell--at least until I build up enough level of some type of trust but it has to be gradual. Too many people are just willing to put all their trust into men/women the moment he or she tells them what they want to hear.

 

The only reason he called you dominating and controlling is because YOU TOOK CONTROL of the situation and decided not to let him use solely for sex. He had no problem DOMINATING AND CONTROL the time factors of meeting up. You notice how everything revolved around HIS schedule? There was no compromise.

 

You have every right to be distant. You are guarding your heart and your energy from a psychic vampire.

 

 

Know your worth and run like hell baby. Never chase or run into the direction of a guy who doesn't value. Stop making these guys making it think that you are 100% to blame.

 

He will come around again. But this is where you have control over the situation. The hardest part is making things right because you hurt so much and you feel like if you walk away that the pain is more unbearable. Deal with the minimal pain now because it will save you from the major pain that you could face in the future.

 

I am done with my rant. ;-)

 

I know this is not my post but I so needed to hear this...Thank You!

[Cutiepie1976]

The point of dating is to learn about the other person. Unless, someone proposes and gives you an engagement ring and you accept, there is no promise of marriage. Certainly at three months (which is when he ended things), there can be no reasonable expectation of marriage. No one put a gun to your head and forced you to stay in a country that was suboptimal for you. That was entirely your choice. Own it and learn from it, otherwise you will repeat the same mistakes.

 

Again, instead of trying to assign blame, please focus on where you are today. The 3-month relationship is definitively over. He ended it and has clearly moved on with his life. Your agreement isn't needed for the relationship to end. It's done. You will not heal and move on with your life until you accept this. Until you do that, you are only torturing yourself, prolonging the agony unnecessarily, and tossing aside the last shreds of your dignity as you beg, plead, cry, argue, berate, cajole, guilt trip, and reason in an attempt to get him back. Please accept that he no longer cares and focus on yourself instead.

 

From your OP:

...

he said noone has right to talk to him in such language and thats a goodbye !!

dont come to my workplace......i wont see u or speak to you ever coz i made things very clear last time abt relationship n his independence.......

 

i sent some more texts after that how he is playboy n wants more flings ......but i am not someone who will do that..

 

But WTH ......when we met i made it clear i am looking for serious relation only at this age .....he said we r on same page.......

and i did fee love n he was serious but some incidences i mentioned above made him distant n he changed his mind so quickly !!

 

Its been 2 weeks n no calls/texts...... i sent him text on this festival we celebrate in our country but he didnt respond ......infact after this text argument he went on Trip (idk with whom) very next day n uploaded pic on FB to show me .......

 

People pls tell me i do love him n he was love of my life .......was i being clingy ? was i being dominating ? i never tried to .......what was my fault that i lost him?

 

i am thinking to goto his workplace again but he told me clearly in text dont want to see me nymore n not to come to his workplace.....

Thanks in adance though it is long post

[ConfusedPrincess]

He did move on ......i called yesterday (i knew i shouldnt have but i did) and he said he will call back but he never did .......

He used to say he gets bored easily and come out of relation very quick so did he .....and i am hanging in here hurt ......

my problem is still i believe ......he changed his mind he was serious about me ....it wasnt fling for him...initial 1 month went so well like me flying on 7th sky ....

then normal small issue created which were not created intentionally by him or me and he escaped........ ? where is LOVE now ? let me tell u incidences again :

 

1) i called 4 times on his cell while he was out with his frds , i was feeling really lonely n wanted to speak ...that day we planned to go out of town and he cancelled it at last moment then he went out with frds in night for drinks -

My mistake i shdnt have called 4 times - He became distant for 1 week

 

2) We met after above incidence and i bought him a wrist watch despite i was unwell that day i went out and met him - he said why would you buy something for me ? i dont take gifts neither i give - i said ok and took it back from his hand - I was hurt Big time but didnt react much

 

3) he said marriage is something which can be reversible if its not working - I told him that i have different view on this and for me marriage is life long and special ......it can't be easily broken - He said i am being controlling n trying to force him to believe what i believe - I said no i am not - He became distant and didnt meet me for 10 days !

 

4) He met me after above incidence on valentine's ....no gift no flower nothing .....took me to some place to make love ....we met his frds first and his frd blubbered that they r going to Thailand n i was upset abt him not telling me -

I didnt wanted to make love that day but did to please him only - while we were coming back his frd called and asked him abt how was S**/Date or i dont know and i didnt like that -

He became more distant and said you have problem with everything ......

 

 

These were issues and i totally regret that all these also shdnt have happened.......i was taking each step carefully so i dont lose him ....he was Love of my Life.......dont know i will not find anyone like him again ........

I am broken at heart and devastated and he already moved on......

[siankat]

Honey i feel for you i really do..and it's the not knowing what the hell...!!! that keeps us playing in our heads over and over 'what happened, why, ..what if i...' etc etc

 

Bottom line is it is very simple: he didn't give you what u want. He won't change, like you are not going to change, (and this doesn't sound like a case of compromise to reach a happy medium). If you stayed together...you would likely still love him like you do now, and you would also still likely feel as you do now....years down the line ...

 

If that is what u want, keep playing the game with him!