can't resist flirting

[lavenderlove]

Soooo, I just moved out after my break up.

 

night number 5 with no contact no news no nothing from my ex.

 

I have a problem. I am 27. I had my first relationship at 16 and since then I haven't spent a continuous 2 months in my whole life being single. I just don't know how to do it. I always meet someone, and I just can't resist a funny charming person who is smart and sexy. Don't assume that I think every second person fits that description, it just happens to be, that I moved in with one already 5 days ago.

 

But this time around I decided I want some knock-out amazing deep love relationship. And I decided to wait as long as it takes....

 

This guy however just really interests me. And ever so subtly I have started weaving my thread, it's like some sort of irresistible way of being for me.

 

I know deep down this is a sign of weakness. I want to go with the flow, but I feel this way I will never make it to where I want to be.

 

Does any of you have this problem? What do you think I should do?

 

It is so hard, because flirting comes so naturally, I don't even realise that I am doing it. And I started thinking about him, and from my experience it is just a matter of time before it all gets out of hand. I mean it is not even flirting, it is more like an energy based thing, but it always works.

 

Please help...

[Mack05]

You were 8 years with a guy. You need time to work through all that. Plenty of time. I had a 8 year relationship fail as well and it took me forever to get back on track. In fact I don't think I have ever have. I invested so much into it, that it's left me with an emptiness inside that has been hard to fill. I have had girlfriends since, but bar one nothing has come remotely close to what I had my with long term ex.

 

If you proceed this guy you are heading straight for a train crash. You will wake up one day feeling incredible sadness and you won't understand where it is all coming from. You will look to blame the new guy, but he won't be the issue. The issue will be undealt with and unresolved grief.

 

You have no idea what is happening under the surface right now. What you are doing is the equivalent of putting a plaster over a gaping wound. Feelings are like weeds, if you ignore them they end up running wild. You don't want to have to do the hard work/grieving (who does?) so you want to almost skip past all of it. These tactics will hurt you SOOOOO much worse in the longrun. Believe me...

 

Not only that, you are dragging an innocent party into your rebound mess..I would thread VERY carefully if I were you. Personally I see the train wreck ahead and you are hurtling straight towards it at heavy speed.

[lavenderlove]

I know what I am going through. I have worked through much harder things in my life than an 8 year rs breakup. I am in full knowledge of the nature of grief, pain guilt and the others and never have in my life covered up an issue with makeup. I actually I dive in there nice and deep and dig until I find the answers.

 

This is how I see it. Everything that happens to us happens for a reason, we must learn something from it....otherwise it keeps happening over and over.

I spent the last couple of years trying to figure out what I was doing wrong in this relationship, and the breakup was me finding the answer.

 

I guess what just happened to me was that I just naturally went back to being the person I am when I am outside of a relationship. I am open. I can't help it.

 

So I am not about to "drag" anyone, but you must agree, that when there is a chemistry between two people it is quite challenging to resist going with the flow.

 

Anyhow my point is, that this is the big one for me. I must learn not to just bounce from one man to the other. And the reason why I started this thread is to find out how is it possible to do that. To see if there is anyone else out there struggling with the same problem, or who could give me some advice on how to keep it together. Because isn't this search for love, warmth and the chance to give and look after someone one of our most basic instincts?

[Mack05]

I have turned down 2-3 potential relationships in the past 12 months. One where there was very obvious chemistry. It's not easy, it goes against all human instincts but I now understand that doing the same things over and over and expecting different results just doesn't work. I have learnt the hard way and when you have these tough experiences you learn discipline and eventually emotional maturity. I am 10 years older then you, made the exact same mistake that you are about to. On more than one occasion.

 

You are going to do what you want to do, irrespective of my opinion. If you are being honest with yourself, you posted here looking for a "go for it, life is short". You should get a few of those..When it fails ( IMO there is a 9/10 chance it will) come back to this thread and hopefully learn from what is going to be a very harsh lesson. The real question is how much months and potentially years, will be lost on this endeavour. At 27 these are CRUCIAL years..

 

This is classic rebound behaviour. A rebound is what an emotionally immature (in denial) person does to negatively fill an emotional gap within them.

 

Some people think the basic dating rules don't apply to them. They make excuses, have theories, etc etc. "Fooling others is a serious business but when you fool yourself it becomes fatal". It is my opinion you are total denial. I know if I were your ex, I find it so hurtful how easily I am replaced. Is that what 8 years of love means to you? "Ah well it is what it is. NEXT!!". I mean how would you feel if you found out, that you were so easily disposable/replaceable after 8 years?

 

Listen Lavender I have been wrong before. I've seen a mate leave a 10 year relationship, get married six months later to another woman. I thought oh boy. 7-8 years down the line they are one of the most happiest couples I know. There are exceptions to the rules that sometimes happens in life, but I would be stunned if this doesn't end in utter devastation and precious wasted time. You end up in your early 30's further away from 'mr right' than ever, with more grief to deal with it. You then probably end up 'settling'. This is going to be a train wreck..

 

Sometimes people have to learn the hard way..

Edited March 16, 2013 by Mack05

[lavenderlove]

I arrived to the turning point.

 

I had a close look at my life, and counted the countless sacrifices I made for my relationship. These big decisions landed me in place where I am basically alone without a life, friends and family, since I moved to where I am now because of him.

It also appears that I can't leave because of money and visa reasons, so I have to stick it out for a few years. Now I am saying all this because this made me very upset, and made me analyse my relationships of the past.

 

Boyfriend #1: crazy intense love on my behalf, he dumps me

 

Boyfriend #2, #3,#4,#5 young and fun relationships lasting around 6 moths to a year. I don't love them truly and deeply, and once I admit that to myself I dump them.

 

Boyfriend #6 current Ex, 8 years together I love him to bits, and we break up.

 

So this is how it goes, when I love someone, they hurt me. When they love me, I hurt them. It just never works out.

I guess the reason why I run into these affairs is because my parents divorced when I was 13 and my dad left, then my mum left this dimension on her own accord. So my first love at 16 saved me from a world of pain and loneliness. And this aching space of not being important to anyone was filled by men I liked to be with.

 

And so my prev 8 year long relationship has turned out to be an illusion I created. I so wanted to believe that this is IT, that I turned my back on all the signs of my heart and his.

 

So yes, back to the topic of this thread, my recent crush on my housemate is the most stupid thing. Lucky this realisation came nice and early.

 

Until this turn -even though I never admitted that to myself- I could never imagine being alone for a minute and I am so used to being with someone, that I don't even know how life goes without having a partner.

 

So now, I am set for the challenge. And it is not just an ideology I force upon myself based on rational thinking, it comes from my heart.

I really want to have some rest, and some peace to find out who I am and grow strong. I am not interested in having sex with someone, and I am not interested in having one of those easy breezy relationships I have been in before meeting Ex.

 

At this stage, I am content with the idea of not being with anyone for the rest of my life unless we both love each other truly.

 

It is Saturday afternoon. This IS hard.