My story- 2 weeks since BU of 2.5 year relationship, 2 weeks NC

[Bigcitydreamer]

Hello All,

 

I'm new to this forum and came across it shortly after my BU. I was with my bf for 2.5 years and I really thought I had found the one. I'd like to give a bit of my background story and share my thoughts on the whole breakup process in hopes of getting feedback/ helping someone else in a similar situation.

 

When I first met my bf he was the man of my dreams. I fell head over heels because he was such a sweet, gentle, caring person when we first met. About a year in we started having major problems and fights over pretty much everything from what we were going to do on the weekend to flaws we saw within eachother. (ex. I didn't cook or clean enough or wasn't domesticated enough or him being selfish in my eyes etc.)

 

I blamed myself for most of our problems because I have a tendency to do that! So I stayed in my relationship hoping for him to return to the guy I first met. We started getting in bigger explosive fights that were clearly not normal or ok. He would disrespect me more and more by not acknowledging my feelings and walking out of our apartment when we got into fights.

 

To make a long story short the fighting became worse and worse and instead of looking at things objectively, I still blamed myself for our problems. Thinking that maybe if I tried harder he would love me like he did originally. He ended up breaking up with my 2 weeks ago mid fight. I was shocked because I thought that even thought we had these problems that we were somehow meant to be. I'm 25 and ready to settle down and was willing to do anything to make us work. He is older than me so he was also ready to do the same but it seems that he wasn't willing to try to make changes within himself and stop trying to change my personality. I never felt good enough for him.

 

When he dumped me I went straight NC even before I read about it on this site I knew in my heart begging and crying would get me nowhere. I was devastated beyond belief because I never thought he would actually leave me and I had to make many life changes (move cities, drop school) and it stressed me out beyond belief.

 

I'm at the 2 week NC marker (he contacted me the day after the BU by calling me a few times and texting me but I chose not to answer because I didn't think anything he had to say would've been positive anyway..). I just wanted to say that NC has helped me tremendously. I am now able to see our relationship for what it was- not what I wanted it to be. And it turns out that in every area that one should be compatible in, we were not. We have different intelligence levels, interest, goals, morals, social habits etc! I realize now that our relationship was probably doomed to fail because of these things. Sure we probably could have made it last a little longer but eventually we probably would have broken up or one of us would always have to be settling and doing things we didn't want to do. I still feel sad from time to time but I am surprised by how different I feel now from how I felt at day one of the BU. I still care for him greatly and have a glimmer of hope that maybe one day years down the road he will realize that his expectations of me and a relationship were all wrong but I am doubtful of that.

 

So to summarize I really think that NC has helped me by taking me out of the situation and allowing me to see things for what they truly are not what I imagine in my head! I think everyone on this site is capable of finding the one and that we should try not to dwell on someone leaving us high and dry because in time u do feel better. I also have a new puppy that the ex bought for me a few weeks ago while we were still together and it really helps take my mind off things! I suggest to anyone that can afford the money and commitment to get a pet because they are such a wonderful distraction. Don't worry people, there is hope for us all and I truly believe that I will find someone who is better suited to me and who loves me like I love them! thank you for reading!

[Logan oO]

For someone so fresh from a relationship you have taken to the No Contact rule brilliantly, i struggle daily, and believe me, i KNOW my ex girlfriend doesn't care about me, the last time i spoke on the phone with her was a few nights ago, she said she'd been crying because she felt down (i asked her if she had a cold as she sounded like she was sniffling). I know it isn't about me, as she can't even stand being on the phone to me, so since yesterday i've gone NC as well. It's hard as hell, but what choice do i have, keep bothering her until i happen to find out shes moved on and my healing process takes a nose dive..

 

I'm starting to see my relationship for what it was too, i just got finished posting my story too, and after writing it you can see that YOU aren't the bad person, you bend over backwards so much for someone you care about so much, yet get nothing but hatred or ignorance in return..

Well someone like that does not deserve my heart!

 

I wish you all the best, and you are doing fantastic, just stick to it, and if you are sure that you have no intention of any kind of fixing things, maybe change your phone number, and start afresh i am thinking of doing that.

[Minneloa]

Welcome to LS! Your post was inspirational. I think a lot of people here will benefit from your perspective. I wish you the best in your healing process.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Thank you so much for the kind words! It means a lot to me to hear someone say that they think I am doing well with things! I have been the dumper before and tried calling and crying and I wouldn't go so far as to say I begged for them back, but I did make an a** of myself and swore I would never do that again.. So for me I learned from my mistakes last BU!

 

I was in the same position as you when you say that you bent over backwards and got a lot of disrespect in return. I felt the same way! I always had to give give give and got very little in return (except $, he was wealthy and paid for a lot of things for us like a car for me, we lived in his house so I was rent free, gave me $ when I ran out.. Let's just say I'll never make that mistake again!) but because of that over time he felt he didn't have to do anything for me emotionally wise, he thought that because he provided he should get to make all the decisions when it came to our relationship. He was NOT like that at all in the beginning and that's the hard part, people portray themselves differently in the beginning!

 

Don't feel bad about keeping in contact with your ex. We all make that mistake at some point I think. Hopefully this experience of yours will teach you that NC is actually the easiest on you in the long run! Is it you contacting her or does she still contact you? I feel bad for those who are receiving breadcrumbs because that would definitely make things harder for me. Luckily he doesn't try to contact me and as the dumpee I know I can't be the one to make contact. If I hadn't gone NC I highly doubt I would be feeling like I am. I'd probably still feel like I did at day 1- extremely heartbroken and terrified of the future without him. Don't give up hope! You will get there and I wish you the best as well! Please keep us updated on your NC progress if you do decide to take that route!

[Bigcitydreamer]

Welcome to LS! Your post was inspirational. I think a lot of people here will benefit from your perspective. I wish you the best in your healing process.

 

Thank you so much I'm not over things yet, but I'm well on my way I hope! I do hope this helps others!

[KatZee]

You are doing very well. I myself did the exact same thing.

 

I myself had the exact same kind of relationship. 2.5 years in which I thought we had something we didn't. Turns out when I went NC (from the second he dumped me) I really started to see what kind of relationship I was in. A completely unhealthy one. One that didn't contribute anything to my life.

 

I too had my self-esteem crushed and I thought I was the reason for all our problems. I bent myself into a pretzel trying to be what my ex wanted me to be. Meanwhile he lied, cheated, acted however he wanted to. Took me for granted, emotionally abused me, treated me like garbage, and STILL I thought it was my fault.

 

The second I walked away from that I saw clearly. How self absorbed he is. How narcissistic, how selfish, how cruel, and how phony he truly is. Keep at it. I'm 10 months post break up and I couldn't be happier in my life. I'm so much better without him. I'm confident, my life is back on track. New friends, new experiences, and soon I'm going to get back into dating. There are days where I don't even think of him at all. Nothing. Its as if he never existed. And that, is WONDERFUL.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Thank you for that KatZee! Your story sounds shockingly similar to mine! I would consider how he treated me to be emotional abuse as well.. Everyone who knows him said he was not the type to be emotionally abusive but then I wider why he couldn't man up and break up with me with a bit of decency instead of calling me down to the dirt over very small things! I felt taken for granted every day for at least a year. I always had this nagging feeling like maybe there is a very good reason as to why I felt so let down all the time! And right I was because clearly he didn't have the same love for me that I had for him!

 

The way that I'm trying to look at it is that altho I lost my relationship and sense of security (albeit a false sense of security), someone who didn't truly love me is now out of my life which is better than spending my time conforming to someone who didn't truly love me! He lost someone who almost unconditionally loved me and I lost someone who treated me like crap! I'm at rock bottom ATM living with my dad for a short time, so my life can only go up from here! Thank you again for sharing your story, its nice to know I'm not alone!