How do I handle this?

[Lamentsong]

This might be a long post, so I apologize in advance. I'm just a little confused as to what's going on here. It's left me feeling lost. I've tried searching for similar situations but haven't found one just like mine. But certain ones close enough I found here, so I decided I might try to open up about it.

 

For just a little background information. I'm 25, she's 41. (People may see the age difference as weird or wrong, but I didn't and haven't. She didn't have a problem with it either.) We're also co-workers. We started off as really close friends for about 14 months, and then we had our relationship for about 2 months. We both work the same shift and same hours. Our only free time is Fri/Sat.

 

It started off with going out and doing things as friends a few times. We flirted a lot and even joked about being together. Ultimately lead up to going out together for New Years. We talked... a lot. She told me she wasn't ready for a relationship, because she was dealing with paying off her bills that her ex left her and also getting the house from her mother. She had been in a relationship for 3 years with someone before me, and they split up, and it had been about 8 months since and not being with anyone. So we just kept it fun and danced and sang, had a good time. I get a kiss which she said is tradition. Then as we are leaving and going our separate ways, she gives me another kiss.

 

Over the next 2 weeks we're talking, and she's saying how close we've gotten since New Years. How she's looking to maybe take a step forward and start with maybe FWB. Just see how things go. I was interested and we agreed. We agreed that we'd be open and honest about anything. That we'd always be on the same page about things. So by mid January, we had gone out about 2 times and she said she wanted to sleep with me. We got together and had sex. Ended up staying the night because she wanted me to and so did I. In the morning we talked about our decision and agreed that we were both happy about it. How it felt right to both of us.

 

Time goes on and we're still meeting each other on the weekends and doing things. Even if it's just staying at her place and relaxing. She's saying how right this feels and that she's glad she found someone like me. How it's like the puzzle pieces are falling into place.

 

By now it's getting close to the end of January. She has her monthly, so she doesn't want to do anything special during this time. But we talk and text. She's calling me baby and I to her as well. Saying that she's always thinking of me at work, that she misses me all the time, and that she wishes I was there with her. How she's glad we decided to take this step. I agreed and told her things about her that make me care for her so much and how I miss her a lot. ( I said care and not love, because it's far too early to call it that. This is still the feeling things out time). I didn't say it because I thought she wanted to hear it. I said it because I did truly care for her. I could feel that maybe we were both feeling the same way.

 

Also around this time. She lets me know that people at work are asking about us. That she doesn't want to say we are together because she wants to keep our private life outside of the work place and that she doesn't want all the drama and bs that comes with people at work talking. I could see her point of view, even though I didn't mind if they knew, but I agreed to not say anything. I also told her that sooner or later they would find out, and she agreed, but let it be once we really figure out where we're going with this.

 

Her monthly ends, and we meet up and get together again. Every time we get together, she wants me staying with her. I was even there all weekend. We're still talking and texting a lot. Saying how we miss each other so much when we're at work. Every time we're together it just feels right. Like we're connecting very strongly. Every time I need to leave, she keeps me there just a bit longer. I'm doing things like rubbing her feet, back, and neck when they hurt. We cuddled and snuggled a lot. She said it was so relaxing with me being there. She told me it was weird waking up with me not being by her. That she misses me keeping her warm. She tells me that she cares for me a lot.

 

We start planning for Valentine's Day. Everything is still as it's been. But it keeps feeling like our connection is growing stronger. I take Valentine's Day off work to buy and prepare the things I wanted to do for our weekend. Every break I would send her a loving little text. Something that she said made her blush and she really liked them. I came over Thursday night after work. I got her a card with a little personal message. She did the same, and told me she hopes this was the first of many to come. I cooked for her on Friday. Made steaks, little appetizers, and a chocolate mousse for dessert. She loved every bit of it. Our intimate times that weekend were downright amazing. Nothing that I've ever felt before, and one she hasn't felt since she was in her 20s. Stay the whole weekend with her and even left to work together that Sunday. Even got to meet her mom who stopped by to pick up a few things before leaving. She liked me and I liked her. My girl was so happy about that.

 

Time is still going forward and everything is the same. Texting and calling each almost every day. It's now starting to get to about the 20-21st of February. She says she's feeling cramps, and that she's feeling a little moody. That her monthly will be soon. But that she still misses me and can't wait for her monthly to be done. She tells me on the 23rd that it's started. So hopefully it's done by the next weekend. Then we can pick up where we left off. Her mom's birthday party is on the first of March. Her sister asks if she's bringing a boyfriend, she asks me to go and I say yes, so she tells her sister yes.

 

Then the 26th of February hits. We're at work and we go out to our cars at second break. Coming back I ask if she wants me to call her tonight, and she says yes, but then it all goes south. She tells me to call because she wants to talk. She thinks that she can't continue with this. This was like it came out of left field! Like I just got sucker punched. It tore me up the last section of work. We get home and I call.

 

She tells me that while she still deeply cares for me and misses me so much, that she's just not ready for a relationship. She said it was for 2 reasons:

 

1) She said that she still needs to focus on getting the house, paying off the bills her ex left her with, etc. That because of this, even though she wanted to focus on me, she felt that was slipping away from her because of it. That she couldn't devote the time to me that she felt I deserved.

 

2) That more people were asking about us at work. She felt like they were becoming invasive of her privacy. She said it made her feel uncomfortable. That she likes keeping her private life outside of work. That she knew this problem would arise. She tells me that she wanted to make it work.

 

That she had been thinking about this for about a week, but didn't say anything because she didn't know if it was hormones or not, so she wanted to get her thoughts collected. That she feels bad that she couldn't be with me. She said that down the line if things fell into place with her goals, that she hoped she could be with me again. I told her I was willing to wait. This entire time we're both crying.

 

I went to work the next day and left by lunch. I couldn't stand to see her without feeling my heart being ripped out. It was just too much. I tried saying hello, but it came out emotionless. I got home and texted her. Told her I was sorry if I came off cold to her, that I was still hurting. She said she understood and it was fine. That she still cares for me and misses me. That she's having to deal with these issues too. I take Thursday and Sunday off to just take time to myself. To cry it out. To heal.

 

So Sunday comes and she texts me. Saying that she's thought about things over the weekend. And doesn't think she can be with me again. That she doesn't feel we're perfect for each other. That while we have like ALMOST all of the things we want in each other, there's some things we probably don't find in each other. This is like driving the blade in my heart deeper. I had dealt with the pain and hurt by believing that it was just a matter of timing. That bad timings happen, and that we'd be together because she had left that hope. I don't go to work Sunday, even though I planned to be there anyways. But then I was just like it's too much again. She texts me later and tells me that she's worried because I wasn't at work. That she didn't know it was THIS serious to me. That she wants me to call her after work that night.

 

I do and we talk for hours. I tell her to be completely honest with me. That don't spare my feelings. We talk about her reasons for leaving and she says they were true. There wasn't another man or no one told her to drop the relationship. That she just wasn't ready for a relationship right now. I told her that for those 2 months, her words and actions were showing different. She starts crying and so do I.

 

We talk about the things she was saying, like that we could get through any thing that got in our way, that she was planning for a trip for us in a few months, etc and how could it go from that to absolutely nothing in such a short time? She tells me that part about not being perfect for each other was just a general thing she was thinking. That maybe it didn't apply to me, that maybe her feelings were still just running wild like mine. However, she still wanted to not be in a relationship right now. I told her that I knew if we waited that long, that I knew she would move on without me, and that it hurt me. She said that I don't know the future, that maybe she be with me. That we don't know where this will end up. That it's not my fault.

 

So we end it with agreeing that we can't be together now. That we should try to move on. But that if either of us find someone, that we tell the other person. It will hurt, but we'd rather hear it from each other than from a friend or a co-worker. And that if neither of us has moved on when these things are figured out, that we should try again.

 

So now here I am. Still heartbroken. Having to see her every day at work and still seeing the things we had and what we were heading towards. Part of me feels like there's still hope, and other parts say to just give up and move on. But I truly and deeply cared for this woman. I never thought she would break it since we felt so right for each other. She's now sitting at another table at breaks and lunches (and she used to sit by me every day ever since we first started being friends).

 

It hurts me knowing that either there's hope and I must endure this pain for our future. Or that I see her move on with another man. Knowing that everything she was saying to me and giving to me was now to another man. It would open the wound up all over again. I just... don't know what to think, do, or say. I'm lost. People think 2 months is rather quick to be at this point, and I can kind of agree, but I really thought that since we were both clicking so well that it was right. That it was going to be something that could last a whole lot longer than just 2 months.

 

I got through work yesterday without breaking down, I stayed friendly and joking with everyone at work. But by the end of the night, the pain and emotions started wearing me down. I got home last night and cried. I had a dream about her leaving me. Woke up and cried a little. But then had another dream before waking up for the day, this one about us getting back together and being happy.

 

What do I do? I just don't know how to heal or move on when there's still a chance for hope. Or is that hope a false sense? What is she thinking or feeling now? Does she still want to be with me in the future? Or is she trying to let me down gently? I've been NC since the last phone call, and plan on keeping it that way until she contacts me, if she ever does. But is that the right thing to do in this situation? Or will she think that I'm moving on and give up? Does anyone have any advice?

Edited March 5, 2013 by Lamentsong