Jump to content

I loved a guy a shouldn't have loved, now I'm stuck


Recommended Posts

hi everyone. i need some perspective on a train wreck of a relationship i was in. it's complicated, but i'll try to keep it as simple and clear as possible. firstly, it was pretty dysfunctional to start with. but i was young and by the time i realized what kind of person my partner was, i was already in love and being treated worse than poorly. we were "together" 3 years. he cheated on me off and on, but i just learned to rationalize everything, saying well maybe i wanted an open relationship anyway (to be truthful, my first and previous boyfriend had been pretty stifling). anyway, this guy is one who can possibly be described as a sociopath. yet i only saw in the beginning how openly and freely he loved me. let me add, he is also a really good looking guy who could honestly have just about any girl he liked. me, i'm pretty, and so i have to say one major reason it's hard to get over him is his skill in bed. he also has the personality that "gets the ladies lining up". somehow this has a lot to do with the control he has over me. another is his large character. i keep focusing on all of the good things he did...was there for me when others weren't, opened and broadened my horizons (looking back i was so sheltered, and he introduced me to people and places i never might otherwise have seen). he is very much a people person, helpful and kind and i am a happy recluse.

 

in those three years we were together he did cheat on me a lot, but never "left" me so to speak. no one else ever really threatened our relationship, only made me insanely jealous and at times yes it caused a lot of drama. he is a dramatic type himself, so my jealousy turned everything into large dramatic fights. he took care of my emotions and though at time i had to wait because of his work or "being busy", he always made time to see me at least a couple of times a week. . so, finally during year 3 together he met a woman i was threatened by, i felt like he loved her in the same way he had loved me. slowly he lost contact with me. after their honeymoon period was over, we started seeing each other again.

 

i can't say why i didn't end all contact earlier. he has an emotional control over me that infuriates me. i don't know what this urge is, i feel as though three years of being together affected him in no way, though we were both vulnerable and really "got to know" each other. i tolerated his dramatic rages and outbursts. i was faithful, and reasonable in my opinion. he said and did such horrible things at times. at the same time, and this is probably the thing that is stopping me from ceasing contact, i'm dreading the feeling where if i do cease all contact with him....it won't make a difference and i'll realize he never really loved me. i fail to understand how someone can be think in that way. he declared in public and private that he loved me. i met all of his family and close friends. there may have been other girls, but i know for a fact i got most of his time. he worked a lot and otherwise saw me and like i mentioned, at times met up with other women but i usually knew about it and even sometimes would share with me more about his time with other women, when i was in a position to be curious and not all jealous. it all probably sounds typical i know. let me say that being fairly jealous, i knew he cheated on me with other girls, but it wasn't the same to me as emotional cheating (i know this might look backwards, but it's how i rationalize it). i felt like i had someone who had a rough childhood and some emotional problems that i was willing to deal with.

 

anyhow, he met this new girl who won over his emotions, and she also happened to be a drug addict. well long story as short as possible, he's now hooked on drugs and we simply sort of lost contact because he turned into a completely different person, isolating himself. he has adopted a pretty dangerous way of life, and has hurt himself, gone to jail etc. he refuses to talk to me, and when i text or email him it's hit or miss, either and "i love you" or "you ruined my life" (he was always emotionally manipulative but never to these extremes), but mostly apathy toward me. it pains me to see him in pain and in harms way, even though he could honestly give less than a care about my own safety and situation. i can't help but offer help where i can, here's where i fail. i know he's going to do what he is doing whether or not i help him, but i simply fear he's going to be alone with no one to help him, though i know he probably has many other friends and it may be my imagination that causes these beliefs. i may be a little obsessive too, to begin with. Please help! Could I say anything to him that would make a difference? Will he ever value my love or offer me closure? We never formally broke up, he said he "doesn't believe" in breaking up...I argued a lot and later he became angry and said it "had been over for years" (just another emotional outburst, anger seems to be his only way to get any words from him)...It's been over a year, I've dated but can't get over him, I fear that I never will...any insight anyone can give, I would treasure. I would be happy to clarify anything if only for the advice. Thanks again.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Coping Vortex
hi everyone. i need some perspective on a train wreck of a relationship i was in. it's complicated, but i'll try to keep it as simple and clear as possible. firstly, it was pretty dysfunctional to start with. but i was young and by the time i realized what kind of person my partner was, i was already in love and being treated worse than poorly. we were "together" 3 years. he cheated on me off and on, but i just learned to rationalize everything, saying well maybe i wanted an open relationship anyway (to be truthful, my first and previous boyfriend had been pretty stifling). anyway, this guy is one who can possibly be described as a sociopath. yet i only saw in the beginning how openly and freely he loved me. let me add, he is also a really good looking guy who could honestly have just about any girl he liked. me, i'm pretty, and so i have to say one major reason it's hard to get over him is his skill in bed. he also has the personality that "gets the ladies lining up". somehow this has a lot to do with the control he has over me. another is his large character. i keep focusing on all of the good things he did...was there for me when others weren't, opened and broadened my horizons (looking back i was so sheltered, and he introduced me to people and places i never might otherwise have seen). he is very much a people person, helpful and kind and i am a happy recluse.

 

in those three years we were together he did cheat on me a lot, but never "left" me so to speak. no one else ever really threatened our relationship, only made me insanely jealous and at times yes it caused a lot of drama. he is a dramatic type himself, so my jealousy turned everything into large dramatic fights. he took care of my emotions and though at time i had to wait because of his work or "being busy", he always made time to see me at least a couple of times a week. . so, finally during year 3 together he met a woman i was threatened by, i felt like he loved her in the same way he had loved me. slowly he lost contact with me. after their honeymoon period was over, we started seeing each other again.

 

i can't say why i didn't end all contact earlier. he has an emotional control over me that infuriates me. i don't know what this urge is, i feel as though three years of being together affected him in no way, though we were both vulnerable and really "got to know" each other. i tolerated his dramatic rages and outbursts. i was faithful, and reasonable in my opinion. he said and did such horrible things at times. at the same time, and this is probably the thing that is stopping me from ceasing contact, i'm dreading the feeling where if i do cease all contact with him....it won't make a difference and i'll realize he never really loved me. i fail to understand how someone can be think in that way. he declared in public and private that he loved me. i met all of his family and close friends. there may have been other girls, but i know for a fact i got most of his time. he worked a lot and otherwise saw me and like i mentioned, at times met up with other women but i usually knew about it and even sometimes would share with me more about his time with other women, when i was in a position to be curious and not all jealous. it all probably sounds typical i know. let me say that being fairly jealous, i knew he cheated on me with other girls, but it wasn't the same to me as emotional cheating (i know this might look backwards, but it's how i rationalize it). i felt like i had someone who had a rough childhood and some emotional problems that i was willing to deal with.

 

anyhow, he met this new girl who won over his emotions, and she also happened to be a drug addict. well long story as short as possible, he's now hooked on drugs and we simply sort of lost contact because he turned into a completely different person, isolating himself. he has adopted a pretty dangerous way of life, and has hurt himself, gone to jail etc. he refuses to talk to me, and when i text or email him it's hit or miss, either and "i love you" or "you ruined my life" (he was always emotionally manipulative but never to these extremes), but mostly apathy toward me. it pains me to see him in pain and in harms way, even though he could honestly give less than a care about my own safety and situation. i can't help but offer help where i can, here's where i fail. i know he's going to do what he is doing whether or not i help him, but i simply fear he's going to be alone with no one to help him, though i know he probably has many other friends and it may be my imagination that causes these beliefs. i may be a little obsessive too, to begin with. Please help! Could I say anything to him that would make a difference? Will he ever value my love or offer me closure? We never formally broke up, he said he "doesn't believe" in breaking up...I argued a lot and later he became angry and said it "had been over for years" (just another emotional outburst, anger seems to be his only way to get any words from him)...It's been over a year, I've dated but can't get over him, I fear that I never will...any insight anyone can give, I would treasure. I would be happy to clarify anything if only for the advice. Thanks again.

 

I just gave this same advice to someone else. A Psychologist friend of mine told me "you can't make their problems your problems". All you can do is recommend them to get help, maybe have intervention but barring that you have to move on. do you really want to date a drug addict? really? If you didn't know this guy to begin with and knew he was a drug addict, would you have dated him? Hell no!!!! Your mind is clouded because you fell in love with a person that no longer exists. Take a step back and see who he is now. Ask yourself, do you want to take on drug abuse? do you need that in your life? Once you can answer that you have your answer.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's sad to read your post. You've settled for absolutely nothing. The only reason I believe you are still pining for this man is because you have absolutely zero self-esteem and self-respect for yourself.

 

How does one continue to beg for the love of a man when he has consistently displayed behaviors that contradict the act of love. At this point, I can safely say that it's probably your ego that's clinging on because you just can't stand the fact that this gorgeous man will not validate your worth. Who gives a crap if he is handsome and good in bed? Superficial needs. Who cares if he is kind to others? He isn't kind and respectful to you.

 

Forcing and begging someone to love you not only diminishes who you are but also creates a negative view of yourself to others. If you don't have any self-respect for yourslef, why would you believe he would? Why would you believe he would even love you when you don't even have the capacity to love yourself. And if you loved yourself, you would have up and gone a long time ago. But here you are, trying to pick up scraps hoping it's a sign of love.

 

Men do not respect women that have zero boundaries, and they do not view you in a positive manner when you willingly and blindly accept bad treatment. You are showing them that you will tolerate anything and everything for the sake of their love. And when you do that, they know they have you under control, hence you will receive absolutely nothing because you do not require any effort on their part to sustain you.

 

Rather than focus on his problems, as Coping mentioned, it's time you start focusing on what about you has taken such a turn that you deem yourself worthy of such deplorable treatment. The problem doesn't lie with him anymore. He is fairly secure and happy with who he is. The problem lies with you.

Edited by geegirl
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
The Tallest One

I have to second the above reply! I do sympathize with you cause I am kinda in the same boat as you! We both need to take a good look at ourselves and find out why out self esteem is so poorr and we cling to a relationship that is so beneath us! Be strong, focus on you and move on to a better life with better people in it!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh boy lived it and learned it! Its ok to love him you probably always will but its time to see the true picture. He has nothing to offer you. as hard as it is to walk away it is a reality. Youre better off alone and will eventually be happier. hugz

 

 

It's sad to read your post. You've settled for absolutely nothing. The only reason I believe you are still pining for this m an is because you have absolutely zero self-esteem and self-respect for yourself.

 

How does one continue to beg for the love of a man when he has consistently displayed behaviors that contradict the act of love. At this point, I can safely say that it's probably your ego that's clinging on because you just can't stand the fact that this gorgeous man will not validate your worth. Who gives a crap if he is handsome and good in bed? Superficial needs. Who cares if he is kind to others? He isn't kind and respectful to you.

 

Forcing and begging someone to love you not only diminishes who you are but also creates a negative view of yourself to others. If you don't have any self-respect for yourslef, why would you believe he would? Why would you believe he would even love you when you don't even have the capacity to love yourself. And if you loved yourself, you would have up and gone a long time ago. But here you are, trying to pick up scraps hoping it's a sign of love.

 

Men do not respect women that have zero boundaries, and they do not view you in a positive manner when you willingly and blindly accept bad treatment. You are showing them that you will tolerate anything and everything for the sake of their love. And when you do that, they know they have you under control, hence you will receive absolutely nothing because you do not require any effort on their part to sustain you.

 

Rather than focus on his problems, as Coping mentioned, it's time you start focusing on what about you has taken such a turn that you deem yourself worthy of such deplorable treatment. The problem doesn't lie with him anymore. He is fairly secure and happy with who he is. The problem lies with you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I just gave this same advice to someone else. A Psychologist friend of mine told me "you can't make their problems your problems". All you can do is recommend them to get help, maybe have intervention but barring that you have to move on. do you really want to date a drug addict? really? If you didn't know this guy to begin with and knew he was a drug addict, would you have dated him? Hell no!!!! Your mind is clouded because you fell in love with a person that no longer exists. Take a step back and see who he is now. Ask yourself, do you want to take on drug abuse? do you need that in your life? Once you can answer that you have your answer.

 

that's a great point. i really don't, it would be a lot of pain...i've managed to separate myself for the most part, but still once in a while get this overwhelming urge to help him to safety...but like you said, i can' tmake their problems mine, that's the perfect way of putting it. thanks for your words i really needed them.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It's sad to read your post. You've settled for absolutely nothing. The only reason I believe you are still pining for this man is because you have absolutely zero self-esteem and self-respect for yourself.

 

How does one continue to beg for the love of a man when he has consistently displayed behaviors that contradict the act of love. At this point, I can safely say that it's probably your ego that's clinging on because you just can't stand the fact that this gorgeous man will not validate your worth. Who gives a crap if he is handsome and good in bed? Superficial needs. Who cares if he is kind to others? He isn't kind and respectful to you.

 

Forcing and begging someone to love you not only diminishes who you are but also creates a negative view of yourself to others. If you don't have any self-respect for yourslef, why would you believe he would? Why would you believe he would even love you when you don't even have the capacity to love yourself. And if you loved yourself, you would have up and gone a long time ago. But here you are, trying to pick up scraps hoping it's a sign of love.

 

Men do not respect women that have zero boundaries, and they do not view you in a positive manner when you willingly and blindly accept bad treatment. You are showing them that you will tolerate anything and everything for the sake of their love. And when you do that, they know they have you under control, hence you will receive absolutely nothing because you do not require any effort on their part to sustain you.

 

Rather than focus on his problems, as Coping mentioned, it's time you start focusing on what about you has taken such a turn that you deem yourself worthy of such deplorable treatment. The problem doesn't lie with him anymore. He is fairly secure and happy with who he is. The problem lies with you.

 

 

I don't know that I would say I have zero self-esteem or self respect. that made me pretty defensive to this response cause i am already suffering a ton from having loved him at all. i've managed to separate myself from him and gather my life together as a single person. i feel attractive, go out with guys, friends, and do the things i enjoyed before we became a couple. however, i would totally agree with you that it is probably my ego hanging on to him! that's a really great point and elucidated this struggle i'm having. i thought i did love myself, i guess i need to dig deeper and see why he is the only guy in my life who can leave me in such pain. it's like i keep going back, in complete disbelief that people so cruel can even exist, is there any recompense for all that i endured, instead of not so much as a goodbye? infuriating. i would love to just pack up and leave and don't know why it seems so difficult so many times. bad patterns i guess?I agree with you on boundaries, i used to have my boundaries, and he broke them down, i need to find how to build them up again. or maybe i still have them, i would never or have never (since then) let a guy trample on me. I am very intrigued by your response and am actually struggling a bit to completely see your viewpoint. If the problem is with me, then i really need to think...because i feel at ease with my new life, it's just love that i fail to feel. and also i am so weak that i will check in on him KNOWING he is perfectly fine (fine as he can be) without my doing so. I agree with you he probably has no respect for me, ugh i need to stop, the more i think on it, the more i think you're right. I hope you dont' mind if i private message you at some point? i just want to ask you if you can recommend any literature cause you seem to know what you're talking about. thanks for your response!!!!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I have to second the above reply! I do sympathize with you cause I am kinda in the same boat as you! We both need to take a good look at ourselves and find out why out self esteem is so poorr and we cling to a relationship that is so beneath us! Be strong, focus on you and move on to a better life with better people in it!

 

 

Thanks for sympathizing, i felt like crying upon first reading this knowing that other people felt the same way. It's just torture. Why do we cling? I date a lot and just keep waiting for the next guy who will spark the butterflies again. Hasn't happened, I feel at times like this will be the main thing that will get me all the way over him. Thanks for the response and I wish the same for you!! The saying I've been using is "living well is the best revenge".

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Oh boy lived it and learned it! Its ok to love him you probably always will but its time to see the true picture. He has nothing to offer you. as hard as it is to walk away it is a reality. Youre better off alone and will eventually be happier. hugz

 

 

It is so hard to walk away! He has nothing to offer me and this is hard to accept, impossibly hard. I keep believing something will change. Maybe I can deal with it more reasonably if he ever gets off of his drug trip. Thank you for your words, lots of hugs to you as well!!!! Question, did you cut your significant other out of your life completely? How do you cope with that feeling of "does he miss me"? Do you think your significant other has since moved on to love someone else as well? It's these emotional weak spots that are such a nuisance to trying to live completely without him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...