LDR Breakup- Any chance of getting back together?

[castroadis]

Hello All!

I wrote before, asking for some guidance for my bf of 3 years asked for a 'break'. We were on a LDR. I reluctantly agreed and gave him 2 weeks, a couple of days later he calls and says he wants to end it.

For some background, we met in our early 20's, we were good friends for many years before getting into a relationship. He liked me very early on. 5 months ago, he moved to NYC to study, he just finished his studies and says he wants to focus on his career, so he dumped me. We were having some difficult times, fights were getting more frequent. But, Overall I think we had a solid relationship, just that the distance was getting to us. I was supposed to move in next month! I am beyond crushed, we planned for this for over a year, the finality being me moving in with him. He broke up with me on sunday and talked to me via facebook on Wednesday, he said he still loved me and misses me but wants time to be alone and work (his profession is very time demanding). He also said our relationship wasn't currently working, I agree and want to work on it. He spoke to a mutual friend and mentioned the possibility of getting back in a future, he hasn't changed his facebook status yet. With the risk of sounding sappy or even psycho, I want to get back with him. I have considered:

1-Calling his mom or brother for some insight on the situation

2-Going along with the plan and moving to NYC on my own

3-My return flight for a congress I was scheduled to attend was set to NY (it was booked before the breakup). I could take this opportunity (2 days before his birthday) to meet with him and either get some closure finality on the situation or make him reconsider me.

I know I have to work on myself, I'm going to the psychologist, exercising, being with friends. Every morning that I wake, I end up in tears. I feel as if I lost a true partner.

Any thoughts or opinions? Do you think I stand a chance?

Thanks in advance.

[castroadis]

Any opinions would be beneficial at this point.

[Compromize]

I feel for you castroadis. I have went through a break before and feel that breaks are a cowardly way out of a relationship. They want to leave the door open while they put one foot out. You are in an LDR, isn't that kind of like a break in and of itself? I know how much work it is being in a LDR and a break will not help it in any way. It will increase the distance.

 

Do not contact his family. They will tell him details of the conversation and it may make you appear stalker-ish. Work on yourself. I too am battling the mornings and the nights during the time that we would always talk (was in a quasi LDR myself but we only lived 30 miles from each other). It sucks no matter how you look at it and I am realizing that you have to kill hope. Just spear that sucker and let it float to the bottom of the ocean. Hope kills if you let it fester because 98% of the time it doesn't work after you get to the "I want to take a break" phase. Something has already broken in them to want that break. The only way you can work on a relationship is together. What happens when you take a "break" from cleaning the bathroom for a couple months? Does it suddenly get better at a magical point in time? No. The same is true for relationships. I know if someone ever tells me again that they need a break I will give it to them. And shut the door on their foot.

 

Go NC now. If he wants you he knows where to find you. Let him do the chasing, do not chase him. Do not contact him, let him initiate contact. I am trying to do the same things myself so lets be strong for each other.

 

Keep the faith. The right person will never even fathom taking a break from you.

[castroadis]

Thank you for the kind words, Compromize.

I agree, in theory being in a LDR is sort of a break. I keep running through everything in my mind, maybe I was too dependent on him, demanded too much time over the phone.

I am going NC for a month, I could possibly be in NY during april so it will be difficult to not contact him if I am in his home state around the time of his birthday. I'm trying to stay strong and focus on myself, my career, my health and nurturing friendships that tend to get sidetracked so often.

Best of luck to you!

[Compromize]

I did the dependent thing too and it hurts to feel that you want time with them more then they want time with you. Made me feel like there was something wrong with me for wanting to spend the very little amount of time together that we could but there wasn't anything wrong with me. I just picked the wrong woman. The funny thing is I knew it long ago, I just didn't accept it. Have you ever felt the same way?

 

Maybe you haven't but either way do not initiate contact with him!! I am doing the same with her and if she chooses to reach out to me I know I shouldn't respond and won't. I need to find the strength inside of me to not accept breadcrumbs and nothing less than an "I cannot live without you, please lets work on this together and take me back, I will do whatever it takes!" will get me to respond. At least this is what I am trying to instill in myself and I am sending you the same strength.

 

I don't have a big support group and really now that we are back to not contacting or speaking to each other I miss her texts and our talks and especially the evenings together, miss the closeness and intimacy we did have but it's not worth the pain we have to go through if they want to take a break or breakup or make up their confused mind!!

 

We deserve better! You deserve better!! I hope you are holding your head high and having a great night

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this. You must be feeling pretty abandoned right now, and wondering why you put so much time/effort for someone who doesn't return the feelings. I know how difficult that is.

 

Do NOT contact his family; that - in my opinion - would severely compromise any chance of reuniting. He has told you in so many words that he wants time alone and space. Talking to mom/brother would probably just solidify (in his mind) that he was justified in ending things.

 

Give him breathing room. I know that seems like the hardest thing in the world right now, but would you really want to get back together only because he felt pressured to do so?

 

His reasoning sounds a little off to me, given you were supposed to move in next month. Cold feet?

[castroadis]

Thank you ExpatInItaly and Compromize.

I won't contact his family, It's true it might be uncomfortable and come across wrong. I won't initiate contact with him, I figure I've got to keep my head held high, but I also long for him to call me and tell me he is regretting what he's done.

He just posted on fb a song that says:

'Let this be the epitaph for my heart Cupid put too much poison in the dart

This is the epitaph for my heart because it's gone, gone gone

and life goes on and on anon and death goes on, world without end

and you're not my friend'

 

I just don't understand, HE was the one that left me. I was willing to do anything to be with him, move across the country, work on ourselves.

I don't have an idea if he is having cold feet, I feel so confused and lost. He was my center, my companion.

My support system is also limited, I've only got a few friends in close proximity, most of my good friends moved out of the country.

I would love to be there for him once I'm healed.

It hurts tremendously.

What can I do?