Feeling ashamed

[KS11]

I know many on here are familiar with my story by now. These past few days i've been really trying to force myself to not think about her and what was, which actually is beginning to work. Im not sure whether that's because im just trying to block it out whilst I have finals to do..

 

Anyway, the thing I cant seem to move past is something im so embarrassed and ashamed that there are only two people in my life that know, I just think maybe the anonymity of LS might help me in some way.

 

Basically, one of the reasons im finding the relationship so hard to let go of is because at 24 i still haven't had sex, which even just writing it on makes me feel so sh*t. This is something that has bothered me for years and years and in some way I believe it was responsible for the relationship ending. The problem was/is I felt so comfortable with her that i actually told her the situation, which I was so afraid to do. I feel like its just this massive red flag now, and I really thought being able to confide that in her, and for her to still want to be with me was unreal! But now she's gone and the thought of even trying to build that trust up with someone again is just something I cant imagine doing.

 

I've always had anxiety issues from a young age, but kinda managed to keep them in check these past few years, except when it came to intimacy. One of the big things she said was she didnt feel the 'chemistry' and needed me to be more forward. But I just felt crippled out of fear. The hardest thing was that it wasn't a lack of wanting too, I wanted it more than anything, especially with someone as beautiful as she is and considering how much i love her. I duno where im going with this really, I guess i just feel that if I hadn't been so 'reserved' things might have been different. Im just petrified that here was a situation where I was with someone that I was comfortable with, could talk about anything etc..and i was still afraid. Its just pathetic. And on reflection, it makes sense that she felt no chemistry...why would she. I've really messed everything up..

[Chi townD]

Dude, do NOT be ashamed that you're still a virgin. That is nothing to be ashamed about. As a matter of fact, that should make you look even more appealing to girls! Because, If she's a good and understanding person, she'll realize that you aren't going to jump in bed with anyone. You're waiting for the right girl. That you value getting to know her and not what she can give you. That you're not entering into a relationship with her for the sole purpose of taking advanage of them. You know, hit it and quit it kind of situation.

 

A girl will understand and respect your decision to wait until you're ready to take that step. You have to put a little trust into them. HOWEVER!!! A girl still needs to feel loved and that you find her desirable. You need to open up and touch them a little. A girl loves to cuddle with her boyfriend on the couch and have him steal kisses from her. Making out, some petting. You wouldn't be doing anything wrong. And believe me, if she doesn't want you to do something, she'll tell you. And you respect her wishes. So, you can explore her boundries and she tell you where those boundries are. Just remember to respect them.

 

Physical intimacy is something to be enjoyed by two consenting adults, not something to be afraid of. And don't worry. When the time is right, you'll know. So, until that time, just remember to at least let them know that you do find them desirable.

[jagdude14]

Alright man let me break this down for you.

 

Do not and I mean do not put that up on yourself.

 

It is better to lose a girl and not know sex then to love the sex and still lose her. You didn't give yourself to someone who does not care for you. The world media social media friends and everything else in the world puts so much importance on sex and that is such a small thin in a relationship. Trust me find the right person and it will be there for you. Do not dive into a sex depression because you have the v card. Dude a woman will appreciate you have not slept around. You are not a jerk or a one night stander. Think about how much more meaningful sex will be when you finally do it with a wife. Hold on out. Be in a relationship for the right reasons. If you are in it for sex there is no doubt the relationship will fall apart in time.

 

Have confidence man. Smile attract girls. Don't let this bother you. It is only an issue to you not am issue to a potential mate therefore don't make it am issue for yourself.

[KatZee]

If you have such crippling anxiety, to the point of it affecting your personal relationships, why haven't you sought some sort of therapy?

 

While I'm not going to say it's your fault the relationship is over, I'm sure the way you behave in romantic relationships is part of the reason for it failing.

 

Someone can't get emotionally close to you if you're so closed off. It's kind of like hitting a brick wall and unless you're willing to take the risk and open up, it kind of stops the other person from getting close to you and their emotional growth with you stops.

 

It's kind of what differentiates a friendship, from a lover. You can only be so ashamed and so upset at this anxiety before you decide to do something about it. If you want to have successful relationships in the future you need to do something about it.

 

Being a virgin isn't something to be ashamed of at all, but you're going to need to address the underlying issues behind your fear of relationships.

[KS11]

Hmmm....I duno its really hard to think of it not as something to be ashamed of. Its just difficult because I was and still am so certain this girl was the right person. The problem was I think the fact that we had been such close friends for 2 and a bit years, also the fact that throughout most of that time she knew how i felt about her but not until the last few months did she say she felt the same. So there was always this element in my mind that didnt feel I was enough for her, like she wouldnt want me getting close etc..

 

The other thing was, after she had said she wanted to give the relationship a try that she found it awkward, which I think was due to my own self-doubts about her she felt towards me.

 

The thing you say about letting them know you find them desirable, I definitely did, well as far as I aware anyway. I mean she knew how much I loved her, how beautiful I thought she was.

 

As far as seeking help for the anxiety thing goes...I did when I was younger for a while and overcame it. But in terms of coping with it in regard to intimacy, I guess I thought the best way to try and get over it was to tackle it head on..I thought just by putting myself in the situation, over time i would become more comfortable.

 

I just feel like i ruined the chance of having this amazing relationship with someone because of it.

[cavalier99]

Dude she wasn't the right one and you shouldn't hang around like a chump if your needs aren't being met.

 

You might need to look at this site. I don't buy into everything here at all but you sound like you need a lot more alpha male. Take the red pill lol

 

And YES you should get out there and look for some meaningless sex from multiple women. Forget all this special relationship BS. That will come with time. My thoughts. Cav

 

http://rationalmale.wordpress.com/

Edited March 1, 2013 by cavalier99

[lovnlost]

Men not having sex in a relationship....so Honorable men do exist! Be proud of that and save it for the one who is willing to be with you and understand this positive concept.

[cavalier99]

Men not having sex in a relationship....so Honorable men do exist! Be proud of that and save it for the one who is willing to be with you and understand this positive concept.

 

We all have our opinions. We can choose to take what we want and leave the rest. And the fact that some of us like to hookup etcetera doesn't mean where not honorable at all.

[jagdude14]

Men not having sex in a relationship....so Honorable men do exist! Be proud of that and save it for the one who is willing to be with you and understand this positive concept.

 

Qft

 

100000% correct

 

As a man I choose not do indulge myself in sex because I want to make sure I am with the right person

 

You should too

[cavalier99]

Qft

 

100000% correct

 

As a man I choose not do indulge myself in sex because I want to make sure I am with the right person

 

You should too

 

Anything in excess is bad. But to not honor our natural desires seems ridiculous to me. I'm not advocating becoming a PUA or anything like that. But young men need to get out hookup a few times etcetera. It is part of growing up. This also help us get ready for a normal RS. Not one where you accept being friends for years hoping that the girl eventually see you as something other than a friend like what happened with the OP.

[Sexy Teddy Bear]

Being a virgin is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm about your age - 23 - and I'm a virgin as well. Both me and my ex were virgins (I use past tense here because I'm not so sure if she still is). And I'm glad that I didn't lose it to her. I might have regretted it now that I know how she is really like. I have always thought it would be super romantic to lose my virginity to another virgin. I could have done that with my ex, sure. But in the end she would have just left me for another guy.

 

I'm proud to be a virgin. And I'm not afraid to admit that. One day I will meet the perfect girl for me and I can finally give her everything. And have one, and only one, woman in my life from then on.

 

So don't be ashamed! Be proud! But don't be like those Jesus freaks...they cherish their chastity a bit too much. Not saying that's bad, just a little extreme.

[cavalier99]

Im not saying being a virgin is something to be ashamed about. And if you want to save it for someone special great. I'm just not of that opinion and most guys aren't.

 

If it works out that way great but it seems to be a strange goal to me. And I'm not a super duper alpha type. Just normal guy. I needed to hookup some in my younger years. Then have some relationships etcetera. I was a total stereo typical nice guy before this and that is no way to live.. nice guys really aren't that nice.

 

Now i am a nice guy but have overcome that lack of self esteem i had in my early 20's that made me thing being such a nice guy would get me somewhere with women and put then on a pedestal.

 

Doesn't mean you cant be nice and confident. There is a difference between this and "nice guy"

 

Man can anyone help me out here? The OP needs to get over being so nice IMO and accepting rejection by being friends with a girl who doesn't want a RS with him while he continues to pine after this. This is a horrible way to live and he should never accept this again trying for a future RS.

Edited March 1, 2013 by cavalier99

[aussie sam]

Hey man own it! I was a "late" in that department too, but if you are confident about it and don't seemed ashamed of it, then a lot of girls actually find it attractive (and many take it as a challenge too). It shows that you aren't just driven by basic instincts and that you want more than just sex from from a girl. Of course some girls don't understand it, but in my experience these are almost always girls who see sex as a tool to either manipulate, or gratify themselves by feeling wanted.

 

Anyways you should start seeing this as a commodity that adds value to you. Just work on becoming confident with it and you'll be fine. I hope your doing ok!

[singme2sleep]

I don't think you should feel anything but proud. When I was still a virgin I wanted to wait for the right person and I'm proud to say I was truly in love when it happened. Unfortunately we are no longer together, but I don't regret it because he was everything to me.

 

Also you should not feel awkward about having anxiety, I have an anxiety disorder and you should know it can be overcomed. Maybe if you're comfortable, talk to a therapist. Trust me it helps. Good luck and always stay true to yourself.

[KS11]

Thanks for the replies..I've tried to keep off here last few days but I feel like im rapidly sliding downhill. Just over 2 weeks NC. I thought I was doing ok, but now with each day thats passing its just reaffirming that we're moving further apart. Although I've removed her off Facebook, I did something stupid the other day and looked (even though its mostly private), I just saw that she seemed to be coping fine, which just makes me feel so worthless. Makes it so clear that it must have been such a relief for her that we're no longer together.

 

Sorry, i know this thread wasn't about that.

 

As far as 'going out looking for meaningless sex' goes. I know Im probably placing too much emphasis on waiting for the 'right person' and really I should just do that. But the thing is, I honestly don't feel confident with how I look to do that. I have no trouble in making conversation etc, but the chances of me going into a club and hooking up with someone, for example are so low. And moreover I duno, I just dont feel thats me.

 

Maybe because i havent experienced it yet, or Im just using it as an excuse to hide my fear, but the thing I enjoyed most with her was just hanging out, going to cool places, doing nice things for her..just making her feel special...of course I loved making out with her...and like i've said before I wish we had eventually slept with eachother..but thats the thing I loved..it was that there was so much more. I know that having sex is a massive part of a relationship, and trust me I blame myself everyday for screwing it up...but the thing that hurts most is losing all the other stuff.

 

Im not really sure where Im going with this. I guess im just confused/terrified between the idea of waiting and finding someone I have a 'connection with again..