Terms Of "a break" not a break up

[MESO]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for about a year and a half now and she has just said about 2 days ago that she needs to be free and wants to go on a break...

 

I love her and still wanna be with but we both have been kind of unhappy for a while so i repect her wishes and can give it some time.

 

The conversation occured over the phone and although i dint want it to happen that way it did. Now she says we need to talk face to face about it. Im not really sure what there is to talk about but i know we should establish some boundries.

 

So my question is what should i request, demand from her when i still wanna stay together? Right now she has most of the upper hand( from which maybe i will explain in a future post) so what can i do to make sure its not just her calling all the shots and i just have to obey?

 

I realize that we are young and most the time a break usually ends up to be a break up but, any advice that someone can tell me would be appreciated...

Thanks

[hurtingandconfused]

Tell her how you feel.

 

If she breaks up with you tell her that you respect her decision. If you want to be her friend tell her. But I suggest that you don't. Give her the time she requested and leave her alone.

 

If she made the wrong decision she will contact you. And if she does not miss you ...it was not meant to be.

 

Sorry but she has control over this whole situation. She's calling the shots. If you wish you can tell her that you don't want to be her friend, then you will take something away from her.

 

Don't try to change things that you have no control over. Let it be and time will tell.

 

Things not to do: Don't tell her that you will be waiting for her when she's ready. Don't beg to her. Don't cry infront of her. And for God's sake don't tell her that you will change. (You don't sound heartbroken, but who knows how you will react at the moment.)

 

Hopefully she will want to work things out instead.

[aroseInLove]

Originally posted by MESO

So my question is what should i request, demand from her when i still wanna stay together? Right now she has most of the upper hand( from which maybe i will explain in a future post) so what can i do to make sure its not just her calling all the shots and i just have to obey?

 

If you and her have a shot at being together, you need to tell her there is NO upper/lower hand to be had/accepted..

 

Your human heart and soul carries NO LESSER VALUE than does hers.. Tell her it HAS-TO-BE 50/50 .. *even-Steven* as the phrase goes.. or it DOESN'T work.. period!

 

I'm older.. I'm supposed to be wiser.. but as bad as what I have going on in my world may be, it's still 50/50..

 

Now, as might apply to your scenario as well, MY 50 is NOT in sync. w/HIS 50.. BUT no domination in humanism.. The dealing with acceptance of his actions is at hand for me to contemplate, but it's still 50/50..

 

I wish you well, Sweetie...

 

Rose

[lovesongssuck]

Originally posted by aroseInLove

If you and her have a shot at being together, you need to tell her there is NO upper/lower hand to be had/accepted..

 

Your human heart and soul carries NO LESSER VALUE than does hers.. Tell her it HAS-TO-BE 50/50 .. *even-Steven* as the phrase goes.. or it DOESN'T work.. period!

 

 

Rose

 

I don't understand that. If one person wants to be together and the other person doesn't, it's not 50/50. The matter has nothing to do with personal worth. The difference can and will be used as leverage in talking about whether they will stay together. I agree with hurting, be honest and upfront. Try not to appear desperate even though you may be (though I think that whole "not crying in front of her thing" is pretty macho and harsh). Better than not appearing desperate, don't BE desperate about it. Relationships can't arise from desperation. Fear is not fertile ground for love.

[Becks84]

Although I never believed in "breaks" and I still think they suck, I myself decided to take a break some time ago from my current boyfriend. I needed "time and space", I was "confused"....bla bla bla. Today, I can tell you I don't know now why I did that, and it was stupid. Never again. I think I had personal issues. I have since worked on my own happiness and well-being, which made me better in so many ways, esp in this relationship. My advice is that you should give her the time she is asking for. Talk to her about it though; you deserve to know why she wants this space. You two need to look at the issues at hand, together. You said you've both been unhappy for some time. Figure out why and if you can work on it together, and if you both want to. WHen you talk in person I think you should talk about the things I mentioned above. Just speak from your heart, be honest, even if there are tears.

 

WHat have you got to lose from being honest? As far as what you should "demand"...that's all your call. What do you want? Tell her exactly what you want, but also let her know that you are willing to give her time - that is if you understand why she wants the time, and you are okay with it. People may disagree with my advice, but I've been through this. My bf was supportive although he didnt agree. We remained honest with each other. I took time from him, and when I realized what an idiot I was being, he glady took me back. Here we are going on our second year together, happy as can be.

[MESO]

Thanks a lot guys you really help....

 

Here is to delve further into our story....

 

Im very shy and it took about three months of us talking on the internet for me to go on a date with her. Mean while I had one friend hes my best and only friend.

 

Well me and her started dating and we became really close, over time spending almost everyday together. It was great at first but now i think that is what hurt us.

 

Well about a month ago my friend left for the Military so all i had was her. Well of Course i was feeling really lonely and at a time when i needed her it seemed like she was tryiing to distance herself more. She says im trying to replace hiim with her but in actuality i was with him maybe once every two weeks or once a week...every other day was with her

 

So that led to our break because its like i wanna spend time together but she believes im being to clingy.

 

Thats where she gets the upperhand she knows im sitting home feeling sad with nothing. I kno i need to go out try and meet people , get new hobbies but its just really hard. Im shy.

 

Its also tough because some of you said cry some said dont cry...I get pretty emotional with this stuff, but i wanna appear strong. I know she is expecting me to cry because i have our last couple convos, so if i dont i think she would take notice.

[faux]

I wish that I could say something more encouraging, but a break is always a break up. Explain to her how you feel. I think that if she needs more freedom, she can have more freedom while remaining in a relationship with you. She can explain to you what amount of contact she is comfortable with. If this can't be arranged, then perhaps it is best for her to move on. Ultimately it is her decision.

[Becks84]

Well then maybe you should try a different approach. Maybe let her see that you are a strong person and you are going to be fine. You could use the old "hard to get" tactic! Let her come to you. As far as your shyness, there are many things you can do by yourself to keep yourself busy and your mind on other things! I read a lot, do yoga, scrapbooking, working out, volunteering etc. and I rely a great deal on my faith and religion. Yea I may sound like a total dork but before I got into all of this stuff, I was miserable with my old high school friends who were all on a downward spiral with drugs and things...anyways, start taking care of yourself! That's first and foremost.